Friday, June 10, 2011

BLEH!

I had a feeling... I just knew.
I left a message to set up the consult appointment.
I knew before they called back what was gonna be said.
RE isn't going to be in all next week. UUUUUUUUUUUGH.
So yeah, consult isn't going to be until July 7th. Which means I'll probably get provera then, which means we're probably not going to be trying again until close to the end of July.
Frickin sucks, but nothing much that can be done about it. SIGH.

My temp was at 98 this morning. It was taken a bit earlier though, so not sure if I was actually asleep long enough for this temp to be trusthworthy.
fert friend gave me dotted xhairs. I still don't think I ovulated, but whatever.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I feel like a grown up!

Took my car in for its first oil change and tire rotation. First time I've ever had to do it, how sad.
Oh well....

I slept like shit last night. Woke up, took my temp, used the bathroom, and then it started to thunder storm.
That kept me up until it passed.
Then I just could not stay asleep.
Kept waking up ever 30mins.
I was going to take the car in super early, but I was dead to the world this morning. I needed those extra hours of sleep. I could've used more, but didn't want to wait too long.
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My temp actually went up to 98.34 this morning. Not sure what that's about.
I dunno, of course part of me hopes I ovulated on my own, but then another part hopes not b/c we didn't BD.
Well we did, but I got up right after and used the bathroom. So yeah....
I don't think I did though. I had no O type of symptoms. I know you don't have to to actually do it though.
We'll see what my temp continues to do I guess.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Someone slap me

I need to stop testing! I really do lol.
Using up all of my tests. I only have hmm... probably 40 more now :P lol
Took an afternoon test and it's the same thing as the morning one.
Total BFN, but my eyes catch where the line should be. It's not even a shadow line.. just like a really slight difference in the way it looks.
I'm soooo staring at the tests too hard :P
I need to remind myself that willpower alone is not going to make that 2nd line appear! lol

I laugh now, but it feels like I'm a few steps away from being an emotional wreck. I'm not crying at the drop of a hat or anything, but thinking about it makes me want to. Seeing pregnancy on tv, makes me jealous and angry.
Our vacation isn't going to be really any better b/c DH's friends are fertile. So fertile in fact that both of their kids were accidents and she willingly got her tubes tied after their last one b/c she gets knocked up so easily (she has a daughter from another guy).
So yeah... seeing them isn't going to help. Seeing their perfectly adorable, well behaved children is just going to remind me of what we don't have.
And don't even get me started on Friday nights. I am DREADING this friday's dinner b/c I know the gender is going to come up and I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to hold it together.
Sigh......
Have I mentioned how much infertility sucks? Yeah? Well.... yeah.......

Oh the joy

... of owning dogs.
Woke up at about 2:30 this morning. Took my temp, and got up to use the bathroom. When I hit the door to our bathroom, I smell poo.
At first I thought our little dog may have just had some bad gas, but no... I realize this isn't alpo farts I'm smelling, this is poo.
So I start looking around the house w/ all the lights off, at the dogs' usual poo spots (the few times they've done it), and nada. WHEW, but I'm still smelling it.
Head to the kitchen and scratch my head b/c I dunno where this smell is coming from.
My eyes finally get used to the dark a bit better, and there it is. The giant lake of liquefied crap on the kitchen floor.
UUUUUUUUGH
I seriously debated just going back to bed and letting DH clean it, but finally reason came to me and I cleaned it up. It took 2 whole rolls of paper towels, mopping, and a ton of air freshener to clean it up... and I still want to spray the area down more.
BLEH
I know who it was. Our oldest dog Bing.
She doesn't tell either of us if she needs to go out when she has an upset stomach. Oh no... she just sneaks off and does this. Thank goodness she did it on linoleum this time though instead of the carpet.
Was still gross and a pain in the ass to get up, but at least it won't leave a gross stain.
I hate not feeding her, but it's the only way to insure she won't do this again until whatever is upsetting her bowels settles down.
So yeah.... I just ended up staying up until DH woke. Told him to not feed her and leave her outside until I woke back up and then I went back to bed at 6.
SO yeah, have that weird off balanced didn't get enough sleep feeling right now.
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Weird dreams continue. Dream right before I woke, I dreamt I was one of the contestants on So You Think You Can Dance. lol
Dreamt that we had just gotten to Vegas (didn't look like it though), and we were all given a piece of paper w/ our living options. Whether if we wanted to stay in a hotel that was a bit far to drive to, or we could stay in this huge luxury bus that was like right outside so we'd be able to get to bed quickly etc etc.
Myself and 2 other people picked the bus.
Then there was a different option on how you wanted to be transported to the hotel.. and "Elephant" was a choice, but only during certain hours of the day o_O
There was more to it but yeah...
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My temp was up this morning to 98.11. That's a post-O temp, but I think it's just a fluke. I'm sure it will be back down tomorrow.
HPT is of course BFN heh.
Pretty sure I can see where the 2nd line should be. There's no color or anything like that, it's just a slight difference from the rest of the test. It's total BFN though.
Feel like such a tool testing like this, but I dunno... I just want to.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Damn you emotions!

I actually made myself depressed last night.
Told DH that we could possibly have a 15yo right now if my body worked.
Then I started joking with him about the type of baby we should adopt and why is it illegal to 'buy' a baby, when that's exactly what adoption is :P lol
Anyway, it all still made me depressed.
I really hate infertility. It's just so unfair and too fucking expensive!!
I wish people would think before they commented that IF couples should just adopt.
Uh huh, b/c all of us IF have twenty thousand plus dollars just laying around to use for adoption. NM that adoption isn't for everyone for various reasons.

Before, honestly, adoption wasn't for me. But as the cycles go on, with each passing m/c.... the idea of it doesn't concern me as much any longer.
I still want bio children, but now I feel like I'd be able to love an adopted child equally.
The idea of adoption scares me though. Being scrutinized so harshly, the money, the possibility of the bio mother wanting her child back. Very scary.
I don't think we're quite there yet though, but it's definitely a real option now.
DH and I will have to have a long discussion on what we want to do.

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Diet has been ok. Since for the past few weeks, we've been SO awful during weekends, our weight loss is going the other way.
DH has gained back a few pounds and I'm back up to 197. I think it was only natural for my weight to go back up since the m/c probably had something to do with it before, but DH's weight shouldn't be.
We're going to try to be a bit more strict these next couple of weeks before our trip and then afterwards, continue to be stricter.
We'll still have our cheats, but not AS bad.
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My dreams have been pretty funky these past few days.
Like the one I had right before I woke up.
Dreamt that for some reason the world was flooded. Not all of it, but where he was. He was some kind of water sprite thing that wanted to get it on and of course, I complied lol.
We're trying to figure out some positions, but it gets awkward, and we feel like things could get better if we find some solid land.
So we swim over to this trailor home that's about a foot in the water. We go up on to the porch, try DTD there, but there's still too much water.
So he breaks in to the home. I get nervous b/c I dunno who lives there, but he seems like he's done this before.
We go in, and it's obvious someone is currently living there. Helps that there are 2 giant rottweilers in the home and they're mean.
Suddenly, the woman that lives there comes barging in and chases us out of the house. BUT weird thing is is that she has the face of a rottweiler.
Anyway, we run for it, and it's a cheesy romantic com moment where we're laughing while we run away w/ this woman screaming at us that she'll kick our butts if she sees us again.
DH mentions that he knows of another place that he def knows is abandoned, so we head over there, and I wake up as we make our way.

I've had weirder ones than that, but that's the only one I remember.
I don't think these dreams mean anything, but wanted to mention them anyway.
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Tested again today. Still BFN :P
Honestly, I dunno what I'm expecting to see lol
Part of me of course hopes for a miracle, but I know that's just not going to happen.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Meh...

Wish there was more to report on but there isn't.
Both ovaries are still feeling achy whenever I lay on them.
It must just be PCOS cysts.
My temps are still confusing. Not sure if I'm back at my usual pre-O temps, or if these are new post-O ones. I don't think I ovulated though. Not with the m/c taking as long to finish as it did.
Makes me wonder though.
Since the trigger shot is supposed to help finish maturing eggs before they ovulate, AND the microdose HCG is supposed to help the follicles mature as well... then maybe that happened for me naturally? I know it probably doesn't work that way at all when things are going on naturally, but still... I thought it was a good thing to ponder about.

Feeling just... there. In limbo.
We may not be able to start trying again so soon.
With this trip coming up, we are going to be spending A LOT of money on it and may have to wait to start again.
I hope not.

As for the trip.... it's quickly approaching. Lots of stress right now trying to get everything we need for it.
I know DH is excited, but me... meh. I mean I'll have fun, but I am not looking forward to standing in the heat waiting to ride rollarcoasters.
My body just does not function well in heat. I instantly start to sweat, which causes me to dehydrate b/c I never drink enough, so that gives me a headache and just makes me feel like crap.
Going to have to remember to drink my fluids!


Oh and I tested this morning for the hell of it lol.
If by some miracle I did ovulate, I could potentially be 9-10dpo. I doubt I did ovulate, but I have a crapload of tests so taking a few won't hurt.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Much Better

Jolly rancher vodka is MUCH better than skittles vodka. Mix 2 shots of the JR stuff with some sierra mist or sprite and it tastes fantastic! I really liked the blue rasberry.
Didn't get sloppy drunk either. Yay responsibility! :P lol
It was a fun night.
Didn't have to go out to eat with the inlaws (thank goodness), so we went out to a steak house, just the 2 of us.
Came home, started drinking, got freaky, and *nodnod*

Friday, June 3, 2011

Holy frickin hell!!!

Chemical BURN!!!!!!
Lets just say where the sun don't shine. OUUUUUCH!!!
Bought some hair removal cream. And yes, I have a hairy ass crack. Wanted to try some of this, so slathered that shit on. Instantly it started to burn and I tried wiping it off quickly. Not quickly enough though. Holy shit my ass hurts! lol I thought I'd at least have some time if the skin was too sensitive, not an instantanious reaction!
Oh god I will be in a world of pain if my stomach gets upset tonight. PLEASE body, don't punish me even further!!! rofl
I have aloe.... put that on it, and good gawd, the pain was excruciating! rofl I'm laughing now but seriously, it felt terrible.
I have no doubt it will heal up just fine, but sheesh. I've learned my lesson *cry*
It's feeling better now... going to slicken it up some more w/ more aloe a little later.

I also used some of the stuff on my nether region. Meh... some of the hair came out, but most of it is still intact.
I'm not even going to worry about this crap any longer. DH is just going to have to be happy with my prickly pear.
Be happy that I even bother to keep it trimmed damnit :P
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Not looking forward to going out to dinner tonight with family.
DH had only told his mom that I wasn't feeling well last week. Not a lie, but not the full truth either.
I dunno... I'd just be seriously tempted to tell her the truth if she asks why I wasn't feeling well. Sigh.
Plus, not sure when his sister is supposed to be finding out the gender. UGH. She SHOULD be showing by now. She's a big girl like myself though and wears baggy clothes, so she could still be hiding it well. I'm just so over her.
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Making jolly rancher vodka for tonight! Woot Woot!
Lot of good reviews for it, so hopefully it's better than that skittles grossness.
Def not drinking like I did last time. No more hangovers, thanks!
Actually control myself some and let whatever I drink kick in before drinking more or not *nodnod* Be an adult damnit! heh
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I didn't sleep for shit last night. Pretty sure it was b/c I had some chocolate and either the sugar or maybe even the little bit of caffeine in it kept my mind racing. I went to bed at 10... didn't get to sleep until after midnight.
Then I woke up to take my temp at 3, so I know it wasn't very accurate. Meh... I'm feeling ok now though.
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My body is just being weird right now. A LOT of cm down there. A lot of creamy stuff that just gushes out. I guess it may have something to do w/ my increased libido as well. So I'm sure that's not helping matters down there.
Seriously, thank goodness for panty liners.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Normal

So, got a call back from the RE's office today and my thyroid stuff came back normal. No antibodies or whatever, and my level is A-OK (thanks to the synthroid).
So yeah... was told to call back in a few weeks to set up a time for a consult. I dunno WHY we have to go in once again. Maybe to give blood or something for more tests? *shrugs*
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On a random note... I really wish I could dance! Dancers have the most amazing bodies! Fit but still feminine. And NM the male dancers that are all cut and fit and buffed.
My rhythm consists of me workin it in my desk chair. As soon as my feet enter the picture I turn in to the stereotypical no rhythm white girl.
Wish I could at least do that booty pop thing. Or twerk I think it's called? Just looks so naughty. I'm sure a lot of strippers probably do it lol, but it still looks really fun and I'm sure DH would frickin LOVE it. I'll try to practice it if I can figure out how to pop my booty out fast. It's slooooow right now. heh.
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I must've done something to my back yesterday. My mid-back is frickin killing me! Well, it's not that bad right now, but it was awful this morning. Feels like I pulled a muscle somehow but I have no idea what I did.
Frickin hate getting old! lol

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Definition of bittersweet

Welp, that's the end of that. My beta came back at 0.
Happy, but still immensely sad.
Whatever it was tried to stick around, but it just wasn't meant to be for some reason.
Sigh...

No results for the thyroid thing yet. Not sure when that will be ready, but I'm really not even worried about it.
Ok, so what if I have Hashimoto or Graves... it's still the same med I'm on now to treat the hypo. Big whoop.

And that's about it.
Exciting!