Tuesday, May 31, 2011


So, I finally got a call back from the RE's office lol.
Said that he probably called the wrong number.
Meh, whatever.
Anywho... my beta has actually gone up to 60 on Thursday. Still not a lot obviously, but no real reason to worry about that now since my tests have been getting super faint. Which reminds me that I need to take tests today.

But anywho, I go back in tomorrow for another beta and I think he wants to test my thyroid again.
He mentioned something called Thyroid Antibodies. The few links that I've looked at so far seem to basically say that this is tested to check for an autoimmune disease. Hashimotos or Graves.

RE really didn't go in to much detail. Basically just said he's been reading something and wants to test this thyroid antibody thing.
I honestly don't know if I've already been tested or not. All my obgyn ever told me was that my TSH levels were only slightly elevated which is hypothyroidism. So *shrugs*
I'm sure my RE will go more in to it.

EDIT: Just took a test. Definite BFN. Sad that that's a relief to see. I hope the RE has more ideas other than the thyroid thing. I'm already on synthroid dude. Not much more can be done unless I need to be on a higher dose.

Alrighty, off to go torture myself and try out this sugar wax stuff.... OUCH.


I dunno what the hell my body is doing.
My temp was 97.81 today. That's higher than usual, but is it post-O temp? Pfft, who the hell knows.
I'm not even going to worry about it any more. Just... nope.

Food this weekend was frickin AWFUL. It started on Thursday w/ the whole sharp cramping freakout. Didn't want to cook that day obviously, and haven't since.
Just terrible terrible food.
I never believed those people from the paleo or primal sites that said they felt awful after eating something bad. But it's frickin true. your body just goes in to sick mode and everything makes you want to puke and you feel absolutely terrible.
Gotta at least maintain my weight right now since we're going on vacation in 2 weeks.

Monday, May 30, 2011


My body is doing what it should. I mean it sucks that it's a natural m/c, but at least I didn't have to take anything or get anything done to eliminate the non-viable.
Here are the tests from this afternoon. Pretty much the same as the ones from this morning. There's one of those dot indents on the hpt which makes the 2nd line look darker than it actually is. It's super super faint once again IRL.

Having doubts that I may have O'd or will. Getting nothing when I check up there except for my usual creamy white CM. I mean I guess it's possible that some EW is way up there that I can't reach, but sigh.
I dunno.. that ole negative Nelly is creeping in causing doubt.
Like I said, will have to wait and see what my temp does, but that's not going to tell me much if it's like last cycle.

Doing something...

Both of my ovaries are aching... like ovulating aching. Right one did it a little bit, and just a second ago, my left one had a quick ache/cramp.
Going to hve to really remember to keep an eye on my temps. Not sure what my post O temp should be now but we'll see hopefully.
I must say, even though I'm guarded about this, I'm getting hopeful.
It would be nice to ovulate on my own.

Hmmm... could it be?

Alrighty, so last night wasn't fun. We got pizza last night for dinner, and I put a packet of crushed red pepper on my pizza. Sigh... peppers are def a trigger for my gut to go in to emergency diarrhea mode.
I was in and out of the bathroom for 2 hrs.
Well anywho.... w/ the BMs I was also getting A LOT of EWCM.
WTH right?
I mean I've gotten a little bit w/ BMs before. Only just a little though, but this was different.
The first time, it completely covered the tp, and the rest of the times was still there in a good quantity.
But, when I checked with my fingers....or well tried to anyway... nothing but creamy cm.
So yeah... my BMs were definitely pushing this stuff out, but it was too high up to get to with my fingers.
Maybe it was getting pushed out from the cervix? Who knows, but it gave me some hope.

Maybe if I am going to ovulate on my own, that's the reason why my OPKs have still been coming back with decent lines even though the HPTs have been getting lighter.
Today's tests are REALLY light. Woke up just a little earlier than usual so that could be why, but fmu was a really good hold.
I'll try to remember to take another test this afternoon.
HPT is super super faint. Still something there, but only just a shadow. OPK is obviously a lot lighter.

So yeah.... I guess we'll BD just in case. I'll keep an eye on my temps, but it's going to be difficult since my temps have kind of been all over the place b/c of the m/c. I guess I'll know for sure if AF arrives on its own.
I'm not holding my breath that I'll ovulate on my own. I haven't probably since I was a teenager.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Bleh... slight hangover

Ok, first up... here are this mornings tests.
There's still a line on the HPT, but it's very very slowly getting fainter. OPK is surpringly still dark though. Sigh, wouldn't it be some shit if I O'd on my own.
I can still hope for something at least.

Left O still aches a little, not much thankfully. Makes me wonder why though. Why did it get SO sore from this?

Did drink last night. Drank too much. I always end up forgetting to let the alcohol kick in before I drink more. BLEH! Paid for it last night and with the slight hangover this morning. It was still fun though heh.
I do NOT recommend Skittles Vodka. WAY too much work for not even a good payoff. Sure it looks pretty w/ the vibrant colored vodka, but there is barely any skittles taste to cover the vodka/alcohol burn and as I said, just way too much work having to filter out the nasty white skittles gunk.
Want to try Jolly Rancher vodka whenever we decide to drink again, but UGH, even thinking about that is making me want to hurl.

Oh and I'm sorry I haven't been a very good blogger buddy. I promise to catch up with everyone soon :)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Feeling better

Not really emotionally.. not yet at least, but physically I'm feeling better.

Here's FMU tests
Getting lighter I think?
The FMU PP was really good, so yeah, I'd say getting lighter.

Not really bleeding anymore. With FMU, there was a slight peachy tint when I used the bathroom, but that's about it.

I'm still a bit sore down there. Specially my left ovary, but it's getting better. Not as bad as it was yesterday thankfully.

RE's office forgot to call with beta results. I don't care though. I would if my tests were still getting darker, but now that they're getting lighter, I know that this is ending and beta results don't really matter right now. Well, at least not until they reach 0.

Plan to get my drink on tonight if DH is up for it. Feel like a total lush saying that lol. Oh well. I want some skittles vodka. Never had it before but it's so purdy and sounds good.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Def lightening

Test for this afternoon.
Def slowly lightening up thank goodness.
Those other pink tests were wondfo right? These don't have the HCG on the pink handle part. They look the same though except for that... *shrugs*
Either way, the OPK is def getting lighter.

Pain is ok. Tender bloated sore feeling if I move too much, but other than that I'm ok. After I get done making lunch going to go lay on the couch and read or watch a movie.

Long post....

Couldn't frickin log on.
Lets just say, a lot has happened.

So yesterday, I got up to fix breakfast. About 10 minutes later, I started getting shooting pains in my vajay. They slowly got a little worse to where the pain would radiate up to my uterus and cause it to cramp.
It concerned me, but honestly didn't think much of it.
Went back to sleep, woke up, and pain is still there.
Uhm ok.
I took my morning test.
Crap... it's darker!
Sit at the computer to do my usual stuff.
Start feeling gushes down there. Not big ones, just really slight ones. I've been feeling really wet down there the past few days and just thought it was cm as it was before.
Right in the comp room though, I stood up, and pulled down my shorts and saw that there was blood on the panty liner. Cue the freak out!

Seriously, I started shaking and pacing the house. I tried getting in touch with DH, but where he's located in the hospital, he gets absolutely no reception on his phone.
So I call the hospital trying to get in touch with him, and the frickin operators don't pick up until the 5th time I call!
I finally get his extention number and call him and as soon as I hear his voice, I completely break down. I tell him that I'm bleeding and he needs to get home right now to take me to the hospital.
He says he needs to tell someone but he'll be home ASAP.
He calls a little later to tell me he's coming home and to call my RE's office to tell them what's going on.
This is at about noon. So I call, leave a message for the nurse. Get a call back about 30mins later. The nurse tells me to come in to there at 2:30 b/c the RE is currently in surgery.
That's a bit of a relief since I really didn't want to go in to the ER and have some stranger looking at my lady junk.

DH gets home finally, and he comforts me. Just his presence is a comfort and I really calm down. I'm still freaking out but it's not crying constantly freak out.
We finally go and get to the RE's office, and they do an u/s. RE first tells us that b/c my beta levels have been so low, that we're probably not going to see anything, but we'd check just in case.
He was right though. Nothing looked out of the ordinary... except for my right ovary. RE didn't say anything about it... I'll come back to that in a min.

Everything else looked normal though. That was a big relief.
Afterwards, he mentioned that usually with ectopics, the woman usually won't be in any pain until beta levels are a lot higher, so he thinks this is just my body finally continuing the m/c and flushing it out.
He also mentions that he still thinks we'll get and stay pregnant. It's just a matter of luck and not giving up. I wish there was more he could do for us though. I know he doesn't like all of those tests that are done. Like the clotting ones and such. He's been doing this for a while now and I do trust his judgement. I'll ask if there's anything I could take for egg quality or something. I'm already taking royal jelly, but maybe there are other things.
Oh and they also took blood for a beta, but since it was so late, won't get results until today. They may have gone up again, but I think the next one done whenever they want me in again will finally be at 0 or close to it.

Anyway.... last night was ok. Pain was pretty bad. I couldn't strain at all or move my stomach around b/c it caused the aching to get worse.

Today has been a little better. Bleeding is still a light to heavy spotting. It's turned really mucousy like my AFs can get.
Uterus doesn't ache, it's my ovaries right now. The whole area down there is really tender and sore feeling when pressed.
I took a test this morning, and it is A LOT lighter than the one from yesterday morning.
Actually a really huge relief to see that. It means this is going to happen naturally, so hopefully the RE will be fine with us trying again in July.

Oh and about my right ovary. The RE really only glanced at it for a sec, but it was obvious something was happening to it. It was covered in follicles and I mean completely covered and some of them actually looked big... as in mature size. I mentioned it to DH last night and even he noticed it. The RE didn't seem concerned about it but I thought that was weird.
WTH is my ovary doing?
Wouldn't it be some shit if it ovulated on it's own. I guess we'll know if I get AF on my own.

So yeah... that's where I'm at right now. In a little bit of pain still, but feeling ok. Sucks that this is happening of course though, and I haven't finished mourning this loss yet.
I already told DH that I am def not going out tonight. I don't give a damn if he tells everyone what is happening... I'm just not going out. I don't have the emotional energy right now to hear about her pregnancy and I need to rest physically.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tests and.... yeah

Here are noon tests. Could only manage about a 2.5hr hold, but meh, whatever.
Here are the wondfos.... sigh, pretty sure the hpt is getting darker.....

And here's the last answer.
I dunno, guess I was expecting it to be a lot darker by now? The line did darken up after the time limit, but meh.... it's after the time limit...

Here's the answer from 2 days ago. Not the best comparison since the lighting is different.

The one from today is just SLIGHTLY darker, but if my hcg was doubling as it should.... like I said... wouldn't it be darker by now?

My digi test battery has finally faded. No more YES+ to taunt me. Only have a paper plate full of pink dyes to do that now.

I guess I have a very few set of symptoms. Dull headaches constantly. Most of them come and go, but there have been a few that I need to take tylenol for and then others that just won't go away at all and eventually cause my stomach to get upset.
Acne in places I haven't gotten it in since I was a teenager.

And yeah... that's it.

Been googling as much stuff as I can. Recently looked up negative blood tests but still pregnant.
Not a lot of info but it seems to happen to quite a few women.
That's not really my situation since my blood tests are coming up with something, but I thought it was interesting to read the experiences.
I just wish the women that did experience it would go in to more detail. Like what was their HCG number when they got the negative, what was it when they got the positive? What did their HPTs look like when they finally got a positive? Was it dark? Light?
Nope.. it's usually just vague responses.

But yeah, all of the other worst case scenerios sound a lot more like what I'm experiencing now. SIGH! I need to just push myself away from the computer for a while....

Dang tests

Confusing much? Looks like the opk is lighter but the HPT looks darker.
Sigh, whatever!
Not MUCH darker or anything, but it's def darkr than yesterday's fmu.
Guess it's not technically fmu.... more like... 3rdmu.
I still just want it to go away already.... sigh.
If it's not viable, why still hold on to it body???
Spotting has FINALLY stopped.
Didn't think it would ever end.
Guess I should be thankful it wasn't still an actual flow though.
Yeah.... just here in limbo. May go ahead and take that answer test. It's been 2 days... it should be even darker if my hcg is rising right? Pfft, we'll see.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Still spotting. That's not normal for my recent normal AF's. Maybe whatever is in there is going to come out.

Here is afternoon tests.
HPT looks lighter to me. Not saying too much though, but I'm hoping it is lighter.

I hate that I even have to say that now. Hoping that my tests get lighter. After all of this wishing and hoping with everything I have, now wishing and hoping that this will just go away on its own.
I don't want to have to get a D&C or surgery or anything. Just go away so my body can rest and so we can start back when we want.
If I have to take that pill to end a possible ectopic, we probably wouldn't be able to try again for months! And no telling how long they would want me to wait after a D&C.
So yeah.... it breaks my heart, but I want this to go away...... just do something right for a change body and make this go away.

Welp, another day... another test

Here are this morning's tests.
Blahblah fmu, blahblah.

My face is breaking out like crazy and boy is that not attractive!
Getting a lot of pimples by my jaw/ears. Also getting them on my cheeks and forehead.
Still spotting a teeny little bit. It's just there when I use the bathroom and not even all the time. When it is, it's just a barely there tint.
Left ovary started aching some, then the right one started, and now, nothing.
Temp went back up to 97.76. I think changing my diet has lowered my temp. I read that it can do something w/ people with hypothyroidism and I think it has done that to me and lowered my body temp.
I'm not positive obviously but the few times before when I did take my temp pre-O, they were lower than they have been.

I'm saving the remaining answer test for Thursday. Figure if HCG continues to rise, by then there should be an obvious darkening.

I think my HCG is going to continue to rise though and I don't think it's going to be a good thing.
I know everyone is hoping for the best, but come on... when has this ever happened to someone and it end well? Seriously, I can't find ANYTHING on google.
Whenever I look for low betas at 21dpo, pfft, they're still reporting betas of 1000+.
I do greatly appreciate everyone that is hopeful for me though. Very sweet and very touching.
I just don't have any hope. 

Monday, May 23, 2011


This makes me wonder if this is how I'd actually feel if I ever got a regular BFP. Hard to say really though since my beta is so low.
I think whenever I do get a healthy BFP... I'm gonna be sick as a dog. Combo of the hormones along with just nerves.

I do still believe I will get pregnant one day, but good gawd is it hard to really believe that right now.
Just feel so.... hopeless and numb.


FINALLY got a call back.
Actually the RE called DH's cell phone for some reason so I had to call back.

So outlook not so good.
My beta only came back at 39.
That's obviously not where it should be at this point.
RE basically said it's abnormal. Could be ectopic, could be tissue that hasn't passed yet.
Going back in on Friday for another beta.

Sigh, this sucks.

I'll still be taking my tests though...... We'll see what happens with these and if they get darker or not.

I've actually been having some weird uterine aches. Thought it was b/c I was so nervous getting a call back but I'm ok now and it's still here.
Guess the tissue is making itself comfy in there *smirk*

Afternoon test while I wait

Stupid test looks the same as it did yesterday.
Not sure what I'm expecting to happen here.
The likelihood of this being viable is very VERY low.
But here I am, my hopes are up and they'll probably be crushed in to dust once again.


Means the RE's office is on their hour long lunch break.
Feels like my heart is pounding and my stomach is in my throat. If I think about it, makes me feel like I'm gonna puke.
I'm so anxious and nervous to hear what they have to say and what my beta is.

There's obviously HCG floating around in there, but is it from a viable sticky bean or not.

Sigh.. going to be a long hour+ waiting for their call.

I hate my pee!!

Bet you'll never see that title post ever again! lol

But yeah, SO frustrating! I wish it would just give me the same results no matter what. Stop making my fmu sucky and making anything after it ok or sucky to or whtever. GRRRR
Would make comparing tests SO much easier!

Anyway... I took an answer test and more wondfos. Wondfos look about the same as this mornings tests.

I also took an answer test and it is MUCH darker than the one from yesterday. BUT as I've said, my FMU isn't the greatest, so if it's really darker, or if it's just b/c my pee was better, who the hell knows.
So frustrating!

Today's test

Yesterday's test for comparing

Morning tests and Appointment Disappointment

First... here is my morning pee sticks. Technically taken with FMU. I woke up at 3am needing to PP.

Appointment was today, and unfortunatly, it was just a beta draw. SIGH!
Only person I got to talk to was the lab tech. She's so sweet, but she said something that really rubbed me wrong.
SHE wasn't trying to insinuate anything, but it makes me think that others might have been.
I told her that I was still testing positive.
She asked what sort of tests I was taking at home, so I told her all of the different ones.
She then tells me that she was told that an hcg lower than 20 wouldn't show up on a test.
Come on... we all know by now that that is a load of horseshit.
Now I have no way of knowing who told her that or even when, but I dunno... of course paranoid me keeps thinking it was someone there.
Maybe they don't believe that I've gotten positive tests which is why they were so quick to tell me to stop the progesterone without even doing a proper follow-up beta test.
It upsets me but of course... I have no way of knowing if what I'm thinking is even true.
I hope they don't think I'm a liar or some delusioned psycho.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

More and more paranoid

Here is my noon test
Photo doesn't show it too well, but I THINK the hpt may be darker than the ones from yesterday. Difficult to say for sure though.
Maybe once it dries it will be easier to compare the 2.

Anyway... left ovary is still aching. Right one is aching very slightly now too.
AF is still winding down. Taking her sweat ass time to get!
Blood has turned to that rusty, not-so-fresh color now though which eases my mind a little.

I'm growing more and more worried now though. Just scared that this is ectopic and they're going to have to do surgery and take an ovary or tube. I already have enough problems conceiving, I don't need THAT too.
Pfft, tell them while they're in there to scoop some stomach fat out while they're at it :P Or tell them to do ovarian drilling.
Sigh....... tomorrow is gonna get here, and I'll have some answers hopefully.
Eagerly awaiting.

Not looking good IMO

Here are this mornings tests.
Took an answer.
Figured since I took the other one in the morning, I should take this one in the morning as well.
I think that was a mistake but whatever lol.
There's pretty much no progression. Now whether if that's b/c there actually isn't, or b/c my FMU sucks... *shrugs* I'm not taking another answer today.

And here are my wondfos.
They look about the same as yesterday morning tests.
HPT actually looks slightly lighter in the photo but darkened up a little after I took it.

I don't think this is going to end well. Just not enough progression IMO for where things SHOULD be.
I mean I've read the women that said they had period like bleeding.
They'd test and test, and nothing. Then a month or hell, even 5 months later, after getting their "period" each month, they would test again, and all of a sudden get a positive. Some of them actually claim to get blood tests done as well, and those also came back negative. No idea how that would happen.
They'd think they were just a little pregnant and u/s shows that BAM, 2 months, 3 months, 5 months.. whatever.
I think that's pretty crazy. Is that happening to me? Most doubtful.

Left ovary is still aching. Feels like my right one has joined in. Just a barely there poke feeling.
AF is still here. Mostly just there when I use the bathroom. Some reaches a pad, but just a spot or 2. Still a good bit comes out when I use the bathroom though. Clots seem to have gone.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


We went out to dinner. Started feeling sharp left ovary pains. Nothing bad. Just uncomfortable sharp pokey aches.
That has lasted pretty much up until now.
We went to Walmart and I got a 3 pack of FRER, and a 3 pack of Answers.
The ONLY reason I got Answer tests again is b/c I wanted the same test to compare with the Thursday test I took. Obviously I wasn't expecting my last answer test to show a positive, but since it did, here I am with more of the tests.
So yeah.. for comparisons only and after this, no more.
FRER I'm just going to save for whenever.

We came home, I sat down at my desk, started to look at my pee sticks from earlier and started to feel dizzy. Thought it was in my head, but it slowly got worse.
I wasn't falling down or anything. It didn't get bad, just an off balance feeling without being off balance.
It got worse, got better, and I'm still feeling it now. Not sure what's going on, but hopefully nothing bad.

Afternoon tests

First, here are the wondfos. HPTs and OPK.
OPK is darker. Meh... HPTs, I can't tell. They're darker from this morning, but darker from yesterday? *shrugs*

And I said I wasn't going to, but I lied. I took one of my remaining Equates.
We were gonna get more tests at Walmart, but the one we go to sucks and they have the HPTs stashed away with the cigarettes behind that one register. BLEH.
We may go back out later when we go to dinner and get some. We'll see.
Anyway... here's the Equate

It's def a lot darker than the squinter I had before, but still pretty light.

RE better have some answers on Monday. OOO would be nice if they decided to dildocam me. Well, not that I like getting probed with that thing, but it would be interesting to see if there was anything visible going on in there... ya know?

Holy frackin crap!

Dunno what the hell that just was, but thankfully it's gone now.
Just experienced some weird pain.
Started from what felt like my uterus and radiated down to my vag. Felt like a stabby raking kind of pain.
Not sure what it was, but it sure as hell wasn't pleasant. Didn't last very long but still... youch!


Actually had proper FMU this morning.
Didn't wake to use the bathroom during the night, and didn't have to fix breakfast so got to sleep in.
Yeah.... pesky line is still there. Well.. pesky if this isn't anything good....

I don't know what to think. I mean obviously, I'm still testing positive, but I have absolutely no symptoms. Boobs and nips don't hurt in the slightest. Not even when squeezed. Don't feel nauseous, tired, nada. I am getting a dull headache and have had that since I went to bed last night, but I usually get headaches during AF.

Only thing that is concerning me is that my right side is starting to get a little more achy. It's not bad or anything and not even there most of the time. Just when I lay on that side, and even then it takes a little bit for it to start aching, but still... there's a very real possibility of this being ectopic.

SIGH. Gonna be a long weekend.

I did go out with family last night to dinner.
I was hungry as hell so went out with them. My emotional state was ok though.
SiL was annoying along with her dumbass of a husband, but it wasn't that bad.

I did learn that I'm probably never gonna be able to eat jalapenos again. BOOOO
I put a couple on my salad (we went to a buffet), and those few... seriously, maybe 5 slices of pickled jalapeno, had me running for the bathroom an hour later and I'm still paying for it this morning.

Friday, May 20, 2011

No control

No, not a test.... that would've just made me take another. I'm talking about myself. I have absolutely NO control or willpower to speak of when it comes to POAS. SIGH

Here are tests I just took.... photo was taken before time limit. The lines darkened up a little more.
Yes, the OPK is a lot darker... HPT is darker as well, BUT, that's not really saying anything.
I guess my bladder just builds up all of the HCG in the afternoon.

I have to admit, I have been looking up information about heavy bleeding with BFPs.
Came across an interesting term called decidual bleeding.
Basically those women that say they had their periods during pregnancy, they had decidual bleeding.
For whatever reason, their body just gets confused and will shed part of their uterine lining except for wherever the baby is attached.
It can be lighter or appear just like the woman's normal period.

Could that be happening to me? Pfft, the hell if I know.
Do I think it is? No.
Do I hope so? Of course, but I'm not holding my breath.

Hopefully DH has a plan for us this weekend so I can take my mind off of this for a while. Just test, and then wait for Monday to come.

Don't mind me, just torturing myself again.

So I think we all know by now that I'm going to take tests if I have them. Just a fact.
I took a test with some noon PP. It was a really good sample. A good +3hr hold.

Wondfo test showed a line pretty quickly. No squinting needed for this one. AND this was taken before the time limit as well, so it got a little darker.

Seeing how dark the line came up..... oh those POAS juices started to flow! I NEEDED to use another test.
I didn't want to use my remaining Equates, and there wasn't a point in using another wondfo. I could've used an OPK but meh.
So... that only left one option.... the First Response digital test.
I was actually thinking about using it yesterday, but decided, NAH.
Well, my curiousity got the better of me today and I ripped that sucker open before I knew what I was doing.
Used up the remaining PP I saved and waited... and waited.
That damn little clock blinker seemed to blink for forever! It only did it for a little over a minute, and yep....

WHY do I do this to myself???

Let me say that I have no illusions that this is going to turn out with me having a baby 8-9 months from now and I did just take it out of pure curiousity.
But still... seeing it come up a yes... NOW of all times..... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Aaaand the bitterness is back

Right back to where I was earlier. Not wanting to see any new BFPs.
Specially from the "We weren't even trying!" or the "We JUST started!" crowd.
YAY good for you, you aren't infertile! Now please just shut the hell up and go away!
Nothing against the women personally... seriously, I have nothing against them, but screw their fertility! The hell if I want to read about how you accidently got frickin pregnant, or got pregnant only a few months of trying!!
Seeing you exclaim your newly gotten BFP and seeing how easy you got it only makes me feel more like a useless sack of shit!
So excuse me while I pretend that you don't exist.

Oh and to add some ice to my tall cool glass of Haterade...
Why the hell is EVERYTHING about pregnancy?? Seriously, every other damn commercial on tv is about someone having a baby. Whether if it's the ipad2 showing an ultrasound or an embryo's cell multiplying, or a damn Publix commercial about their bakery where someone is getting a "It's a Girl!" cake.
And don't get me started with Grey's Anatomy and their chars ending up pregnant.
NM that they totally just waxed over Meredith's struggles and just made her char adopt. NM that Christina is now pregnant and doesn't want to be.
And Private Practice, hell, all that show is about most of the time is some pregnant woman struggling.
The commercials though.... those are the ones that get me, b/c at least the shows are an hour long and that's it. But the commercials are ALL day reminders. Just UGH.

Weigh in

Forgot that changed friday to my official WI day.
Coming in at 194. Not sure how long that will last, but I'll take it!
With the way I've been eating.... I'm glad it's not back up to 200.

cd4 saga continues

Here are this morning's tests. Wondfo opk and hpt

The line on the HPT took quite a while to even come up. About maybe 4 minutes. I thought it was going to be BFN, and was actually relieved (but still kind of disappointed funny enough), but then the line did finally start to show.
As you can see the OPK is def not anywhere near being a +. I know a lot of people don't trust OPKs with this, but they've always shown me accurate results. Means that whatever HCG is in my system, there isn't a lot of it.

Someone on one of the forums that I go to shared that when she had her m/c, her hpts were still showing BFPs for quite a while. Her doctor told her that it was b/c the tissue kept growing until ya know, finally it's flushed out.
Maybe that's what is happening here. I don't think mine was growing at all, but maybe it just hasn't been flushed completely out yet.

I still can't help but think though... what if I had continued with the progesterone. Would it have stuck around and grown as it should have? Would this have finally been my miracle?
I know, I shouldn't think that, but come on.... of course the thought is going to cross my mind as I'm sure it would anyone else's.

Sigh.... I'm ok though. Not freaking out over this like I was yesterday. I am confident that the tests will eventually just show nothing, or that there is a non-ectopic explanation for why this is going on.

Oh and I took my temp this morning. It's well below my post-O temp.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Finally had to use the bathroom so I took one of the pink handled wondfo tests.
Nothing right away, but a super faint line did finally appear. If these are the same sensitivity as the old blue handled ones, then this just shows that my HCG is not as high as it was before.

*shrugs* Not sure what to do.
I guess I'll talk to DH about it.
He called earlier about something else and I told him then that I was still testing positive. I think it may have gotten his hopes up, but mine aren't.
I don't know what this is, but I don't think it's anything good.
I'll see what DH thinks we should do. Wait to talk to the doc monday, or call tomorrow and go in if they can see me.

Equate tests

I don't think my noon pp was very good this time around. Probably b/c all of my liquids are going towards AF. Seriously when AF arrives, I barely have to pee at all.

Anyway, I took an equate and a wondfo opk. OPK was negative.
Equate has a faint line.
It's a lot fainter than the answer test though so yeah. Not sure what that means.
Took 2 photos in 2 diff lights to try to get the line to show up better.

I'm not getting my hopes up AT ALL. I'm more scared that this is ectopic.

EDIT: Got my wondfos. 20 of them. Thought it was just 10. Either way, YAY!
They're the pink handle ones. Think I read those are really sensitive?
Don't have to pee right now, but I'll take one later.

I don't think these tests mean anything. Not with all of the clots I've been passing. Trying to find stories about bleeding this much, but usually they're all just spotting or super light bleeding. No full on AF bleeding.

Ok seriously... WTF?

I wanted to use up the last Answer test. Get it out of the way. Plus, I just wanted to take a test. Yes, I'm still on AF, but what can I say...
I just wanted to make sure everything was BFN.
So, I took the last answer. I usually pee in to a cup and dip my tests. Easier that way and no chance of PP splashing off the test and back on to me.
But I just decided to pee on to the test. I wasn't going to test again, and there wouldn't be a point b/c it was gonna come up BFN right?
With a beta of only 8.... on monday, how the hell am I still getting a GD line? And yes, it's PINK. When I first saw the line, I thought, oh it must be an indent, no... it's PINK.
I'm freaking out if you couldn't tell.

I'm seriously worried that maybe I have an ectopic. I haven't felt any kind of aching from just one side though. Both of my ovaries have been aching, but that's it.
I haven't temped in 2 days b/c hell, I didn't think there was a need to.

And this AF, although not as achy as the last few, has been just like any other AF. It's the right color, it's been heavy, there have been lots of clots.
So yeah.... WTF?

I'm not calling the doc unless I start feeling aches coming from one side. I should be getting wondfo tests today, so I'll keep testing and seeing what happens.
Maybe this test was just a fluke some how and I'm freaking out over a faulty test or something. I dunno.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Damn AF

Is making me want to eat EVERYTHING.
Thank goodness we don't have bad food in the house b/c I would've eaten it all by now.
I want to just shovel everything in to my face.
It's not emotional eating. I know that... that is making me want donuts lol....
This is purely hormonal crap.
It should fade within another day or so hopefully.

AF is still heavy but not as many clots. Guess my body was in a rush to flush my lining out.
Thankfully still not as achy.

Thanks everyone

For the support. I really appreciate it. Since we really don't tell anyone in our real lives about this, online buddies are all I have right now so... seriously.. when I say I appreciate it, I really do.

AF is ok. I'm not as achy as previous AF's and m/c's which is good I guess.
Still hae what... probably 4 or 5 more days of bleeding though. SIGH.

No news from the RE yet. Not like there's a huge hurry though. I say take your time, do research and figure out some possible solutions we can try next time.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Right on time...unfortunatly

Woke up this morning. I knew as soon as I got up, it would start to flow and yep.
It's heavy and def AF.
Thankfully, I'm not in any pain though.
Just thinking about having to go out Friday and seeing her is making me upset. I may have to excuse myself from dinner again. I know they'll know something is wrong, but I don't give a shit. They can think whatever they want.
AF hasn't made it hit, but even thinking about her is.
I really hope the RE has a plan for the next medicated cycle. Something that may help.

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's startng

Bleeding has slowly gotten heavier and is looking more like AF.
It hasn't turned in to a flow yet, but I expect it to either tonight while I'm sleeping, or tomorrow morning.
Still hasn't hit me hard yet.
I'm sure it will this Friday if we go out with family and I have to hear about SiL's pregnancy. Next month is going to suck... that's when she's finding out the gender..... sigh. Great for her (even though she's a bitch) and the family, but sad for myself..... it's gonna be rough.


Just wanted to say that my weight is doing some strange stuff.
So I weighed myself yesterday... 196.
Weighed myself earlier today before we went to the RE's office... 192 O_O
Weighed myself again after eating lunc (just an apple)... 194. WTH?

I don't get how I can go down THAT much. Sure I was peeing a lot, but I was drinking a lot as well, and I sure as heck didn't pee out 4lbs of liquid! Well maybe I did, but I was putting it right back in so it's not like I was dehydrated.
Just weird.

I'm still processing this loss. Although I was preparing myself, nothing really prepares you... ya know? I'm still crying, trying not to cry... etc.
I think once AF starts... this is gonna really hit me hard.
I can already feel my lower back starting to ache, so hopefully it will start soon.

I guess now... just going to have to hope for a March or April baby. Man... that's depressing to think about....

Single digit

Beta only came an 8. So yeah.... another chemical pregnancy.
I guess my tests earlier were flukes. Urine must still be holding on to some HCG which caused the darker tests.
Was told to go ahead and stop the progesterone.
Going to get a call from the RE later in the week, and I go back in Monday to get another beta done I think.

This really frickin sucks. 3rd time is a charm my ass.
What the hell is wrong with my body?
Sigh.... we'll see what the RE recommends I guess. Maybe he'll want to do all of those blood tests on DH and I.


Won't be able to try again until July. We're going on that trip the last 2 weeks of June. Was hoping I'd be pregnant so would have an excuse not to ride the rollarcoasters. I love rollarcoasters, but I would love being pregnant more........

I hate this... I really do.

Beta today, but BBT drop

Got a call back and went in at 10 to get blood drawn. The lab tech that took my blood was so sweet. When she heard that it was still just bleeding when I used the bathroom, she said there's still hope... even if it is fresh blood.
The RE and the nurse I usually see weren't very optimistic though and I don't blame them. I'm sure they've seen this same scenerio plenty to know what is going to stick and what isn't.
So in the meantime... I stay on the progesterone, and just wait to see what happens.

My temp dropped to 97.6something though. NOT good. BUT, I took tests today and they're def darker. So yeah, mixed signals.

I think this is going to end though. I hope I'm wrong... hope it's just maybe a twin or something that tried to implant but didn't make it and there's still another in there trying to hang on. I know that probably sounds awful.

Anyway... here are the tests from today

I'm still spotting. It did seem to let up some this morning, but has since picked back up. Still really only there when I use the bathroom, but there's a lot more than before and it's still fresh blood.
Feeling really wet down there like I usually do pre-AF.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Last post of the day

I think the BMs pushed out a good bit of the fresh blood that was pooling up. And there was quite a bit. Not as much as AF, but still.. too much IMO.
I'm still having bright red spotting though. It's watered down, but definitely fresh blood.
Looks to be more than what I've been getting the past few days. Can't tell if it has gotten any heavier though. Sigh, I hope not.

I decided to take another test tonight. I wanted to compare OPKs.
I think it's about as dark as the noon test. Maybe a little lighter.

I also decided to take an Answer test. I could care less about using these up.
New box and yep... still had a visible indent line. It wasn't as apparent as the last one though, so I trust this one a bit more.
Colored line is still there.

So yeah.... in limbo right now. Hoping this bleeding stops, goes back to brown blood, doesn't get heavier.
Hoping that my tests continue to get darker. Hoping that beta tomorrow is a good number. Hoping that they'll reassure me that this bleeding is nothing to worry about :(

I really am trying to remain positive. I've been googling all night looking up information about bright red implantation bleeding. Or just bright red bleeding in general.
Success stories, etc etc.
It's not really cheering me up though.

Gotta prepare

For the worst. Bleeding looks like it's starting to becomg fresh blood now. Still not a flow or anything, but I think it's just a matter of time to be honest.
There's still a lot of blood up there, and as I said, it's looking more and more fresh.
I hope I'm wrong... hope that everything is going to be ok, but I don't think it will be.

EDIT: Had another BM (diarrhea, probably caused by the gluten in the donuts that I ate).... and wiped away bright red blood.

It's not looking good folks. Not good at all.


Spotting stopped for a little bit.
Just used the bathroom and there was some pink on the tp again.
Got curious and stuck the applicator up there to see what came out, and it was a lot of blood.
I honestly can't tell if it's old or not.
I don't think it's fresh b/c it doesn't have that bright look. But still...... it can't be a good thing can it. It actually looked like what I had yesterday when I felt wet, and what reached the liner.

I freaked out obviously and stuck in my 2nd progest sup early.
If AF stays away, when I call tomorrow, I'll ask for a progesterone test. Not even sure they do it, but can't hurt to ask at least.

Why me.... why even give me a glimmer of hope if it's not going to happen.

Look at it!

It does hasve color, but good frickin lord.... how deep is that indent?? SIGH!
I have one more pack of Answer tests. It's a 3 pack, or well 2, w/ a bonus.. whatever.
Hopefully there will be a reason to use them up.

Oh and going to call the RE's office tomorrow. Talked to DH and he had a great suggestion.
Since AF is due today, just wait until tomorrow to call. See what happens basically.
It's not like I'd be talking to someone even if I called today anyway, so waiting until tomorrow isn't a big deal.

The wait

Alrighty, so here are my noonish tests.
It was a 2.5hr hold, but apparently that was enough.

Took a wondfo hpt and OPK.
OPK is still meh.... Makes me wonder why the one from last night was so dark.
Can't tell if the HPT is darker or the same or what. Just know that the line is there.

Took an Answer test. And the POS once again had a visible 2nd line right out of the wrapper. I know it's an indent.
Used it anyway though. A 2nd line of course popped up. Now it does look like it has color, BUT I can't trust it obviously.
I'm sure when I pop it open, there will be a huge indent like the last one that I used.

So b/c of the answer test, I used an Equate. The plastic window on the case was scratched up and looked kind of warped, so I popped it open and took a better look. There is a super SUPER faint line on it. Of course the camera didn't pick it up, but here are the photos anyway.

I do think I have the real deal here. There's something in there trying to implant. I'm scared though. I can't even be happy right now b/c I'm too scared to get my hopes up.

I'm not really having any symptoms. I'm getting nauseous every once in a while, but I'm fairly certain it's my nerves causing it.
Only thing that is probably a symptom are my nipples. They're not really sore unless I squeeze the hell out of them lol, but the right one is darker than the left. It's not just the nipple that is darker on the right one, it's the whole aereola.
Oh and also been having some weird dreams. I know that's not a great sign though.

Grr, stupid BM!

I was all set to test at noon. Get in a good 4hr hold, but oh no... I needed to have a BM!
I could've waited, but pfft, come on.. I tested anyway lol.

Looking back at the photos of the previous tests. The OPK is def darker than the noon test from yesterday, but lighter than the night time test. The HPT actually looks lighter than the noon test, but from what I remember, may be about the same as the night test. SO hard to tell from just photos. Specially ones taken in different lighting.

Maybe that noon test just had a lot more dye in it or something. *shrugs*
I don't want to think about losing another right now, even though that is still a possibility. AF still has time to arrive.......
Going to distract myself until about 1.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I caved!

Raise your hand if you actually thought I would make it until tomorrow before I tested again. Pfft yeah, that's what I thought :P lol Hell, I didn't even raise my hand hehe

The test def has a line on it. It's lighter than the noon test, but I'm not really worried about that since it has only been a few hours.
I only have 5 more wondfo tests, so need to conserve what I have now. I'll probably start using up the Answer tests if there's still something there tomorrow.
Here are the photos. Oh and I also took an opk. It's getting darker as well. Not a +, but hopefully on its way.

I'm starting to believe there is something in there trying to stick around, but if it does or not... we'll see.
Just this damn spotting has me SO worried. Specially now with these tests. If AF starts, it means once again, something went wrong and I lost another.
I would find it very difficult to believe that it was another chromasomal supposed problem that caused it, ya know?

And it's back

The spotting did stop for a little while.
DH came home from work. We went out to Kohl's so he could get some pants and use these coupon things we have.
I started feeling wet.
We finally came home, I used the bathroom, and there was a good size spot of blood on the panty liner. About the size of a dime and a half.
It didn't look like fresh blood, but it didn't look all that old either.
Put in my progesterone sup, and the applicator had brown, peach, and a tiny spot of red.

Honestly not thinking this is going to end well and AF is going to show tomorrow. I REALLY hope not.
Hope that I get a darker more obvious test. Hope the spotting stops, or at the very least doesn't get any worse.
Hopefully I'll stay asleep long enough tonight to get a good temp. I think that will tell me everything. If it's still up, then maybe.... but if it has fallen, then no.

I just like torturing myself.

I took a noon test. Now from past experiences, I know my PP for whatever reason on noon tests is better than my FMU, yet I still take tests w/ FMU. You would think by now, I would've stopped with the FMU and just waited, but oh no.... not me.

Anyway.... back to the torture.
There's a line on my noon HPT. A pretty apparent, visible, yet faint line. Absolutely no squinting needed to see it... not like yesterday's tests where it could've gone either way. No, this test HAS a line.
What does it mean? I dunno. Is it faulty? I sure as hell hope not.
I tried getting a few photos of it. Sigh, I really want a new camera. How sad is it that I only want a new one so it picks up faint pee stick lines.

OPK and HPT together.

Just the HPT taken w/ different camera settings. Hopefully you can kinda see it?

I'll get a better photo later if it starts to darken when it dries.

Spotting hasn't gotten any heavier, but I know it is still early in the day and things can change quickly.
I had a BM though, and usually w/ a BM it pushes whatever is in the vag out. Still not a lot of spotting and it was brownish.

UGH. I hope my body isn't just F-ing with me b/c my hopes are going up. Feeling really fragile right now and I although I know I can handle bad news as I have before... there are going to be a lot more tears this time. Hell, I'm crying right now just thinking about getting heartbroken again.

EDIT: Here's the test at that drying point where the line shows up well. I upped the lighting which is why it looks kind of funky.