Monday, January 31, 2011

I'm so pathetic

I caved and took an hpt......and opk. SIGH.
I totally torture myself and I can't help it!
Think it's b/c I'm just so afraid that I'm never going to experience motherhood.
Sure we could adopt, MAYBE.... but I still don't even know if that's something I'd want. I'm not a person that enjoys children. I know that's awful to say, but it's true.
Most of the time, I don't like other people's children. they're annoying, and loud, and damnit NO they're not all cute!
Doesn't mean I don't want my own kids though. Doesn't mean I wouldn't love my own children.
BUT this dislike of other people's children makes me wonder if I would/could ever love an adopted child as I would a bio-child. Ya know? Right now, I'm still hoping we'll have a little me and a little DH running around being loud and annoying to everyone else lol. Maybe if we've exhausted all of our options and adoption is our last hope, then my opinion/fears about it would change. Until then though.....
But yeah, the fear has definitely taken hold of my heart & thoughts at the moment. I'm going to try to distract myself by working on the nursery mural some more.
I know that's not really a great idea... working on the NURSERY lol, but it's something to keep me busy. I'll start posting photos of what I've done so far soon. Maybe tomorrow depending on what I've done tonight.

FF makes me feel better

I'm so glad they have the chart gallery option at fertilityfriend. It usually makes me feel better looking at the various charts.
I searched through them for negative hpts before positive and that eased my mind a little. Just nice to see that a lot of women didn't get their BFPs until a few days later or even a day later after a negative test.
Gives me a little hope back.
I wish I was one of the lucky ones to feel some implantation cramping. It's like right now, I think I could be feeling something, but then it's probably just me being hypersensitive and wishing I was.


Not even a question. Def BFN. Honestly, I was kind of crushed when nothing showed up.
I know I'm still early, but doesn't mean I wasn't hoping for an early surprise lol.
Just have to keep reminding myself that most women don't test positive until a little later. Even that doesn't comfort me much though.
That good feeling is now being replaced with worry and anxiety. I totally suck at keeping my mind off of this! lol

Oh another symptom I forgot.... Weird dreams.
The other night, I had an Inception type. I was napping on the love seat. And in the dream, I was on the loveseat about to take a nap. I'd go to sleep, and wake up in another dream where I would be about to take a nap on the loveseat. It did this about 3 or 4 times. Then all of a sudden, I started waking up from the dreams within a dream within a dream. It was very bizarre.
And last night, I had one of those non-nightmare dreams. One where it feels like a nightmare, but nothing in the dream is nightmare related. All it was was me walking through our house, but for some reason, I was panicked.
I did have an actual zombie nightmare though. I dreamt that I was flying around a huge helicopter looking for survivors in the zombie apocolypse. We come across an area with a lot of survivors, but the zombies were slowly approaching. We're trying to get a plan of action, but people start wandering off or being idiots.
Then out of nowhere this renegade army troop led by Samuel L. Jackson comes in and starts threatening people and threatening to take my chopper.
I tried waking from the dream, but my body did NOT want to wake up. It was a very weird feeling.

Anywho, there's my ramblings for now......until I think of some other nonsense to blog about :P

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Symptoms? Probably not

I've been debating all day if I should post this or not. I don't want to feel like a fool later if this is a bust, but who cares. I'll post it. Might as well!

So here are some things that have been going on with my body so far. I think all of them could be written off, but it doesn't hurt anything to post it anyway.

Woke up with a very dull headache today. It disappeared on its own. After dinner, I experienced the same dull ache. It didn't last long though.

Restless/light sleep. DH's snoring will wake me up sometimes, but last night and the night before was AWFUL.

My bewbs are still sore. Nipples aren't though. They're also feeling a bit more full. Don't notice if they feel heavier since I've been supporting them w/ bras.

The mystery pains in my O areas. I haven't felt the left side that much. It's mainly been on the right. It's a sharp pain that lasts for maybe 10-20seconds and then will go away.

Erm, feels like there's something I'm missing but I can't think of it right now.

Hmm... I really need to jazz up my layout. Give it a more personal look. Eh, I'll see if I can think of anything to do.

Perfect table

I found the perfect table for the nursery yesterday. It's expensive as hell though, but I want it!

AND apparently, googling it up, you can even get little mushroom stools to go with it!! SO adorable!



So much for the boobs staying sore. Went back to bed and woke up to them feeling fine. Deep down sore, but you have to press quite a bit.
I have been wearing bras for the past 4 days so I'm hoping that's the reason, but who am I kidding lol.
Ok, so now lets hope that the sore bewbies return!

HPT is dry, it still has that shadow/ghost line on it, but I only see it b/c I know where to look. I'm sure if I gave it to DH to look at, he wouldn't see anything.

Took a shower and I started getting more right O area sharp pains. I hope it's just a cyst. Yep... JUST a cyst heh


Still negative. I'm having some serious line-o-vision though. I think you can see it in the photo. What's the term they use now for the faulty FRERs... ghost line? I'll start using that for what happens w/ ICs sometimes as well.
I think that's all it is. Just a ghost line.

About to head back to bed. Or well, go sleep on the couch. DH's snoring keeps waking me up and I feel bad constantly telling him to roll over. He's a light sleeper and has trouble sleeping well on his own. He doesn't need me to make it worse. Need to invest in some ear plugs.

Oh and last night while laying in bed. I was getting some pretty strong sharp pains on my right O area. Dunno what was going on there, but thankfully it didn't last too long.
OO just felt them a second ago. Is it sad that I'm hoping it's just cysts? lol

Oh and my bewbs still hurt. I'm taking that as a great sign. I can't remember when they started to not hurt last injection cycle. I just remember that the aching did start to fade. That was my first indication that it was a bust cycle. I hope that won't happen this time. At least stay sore to keep my hopes up lol.
Come on bewbies! Don't fail me now!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Something is def going on...

... on my left side. Keep feeling a weird twangy cramping sensation. It's not really painful, more of an uncomfortable feeling. It doesn't last for long. It could be bowel though I guess.
I did skip my metformin yesterday b/c of the bowling thing. Didn't want to get the shits in a bowling alley bathroom... BLEH. Bad enough I have to do that at home lol.
Usually when I skip the met, I poop like a normal person.
Well I started back up the met today and really, still nothing much going on. Had a normal BM earlier but nothing since.
AND I ate spicy pickles AND the spicy soup for dinner. The pickles alone should've flared up my met IBS, but nope.
I'm sure I'll be paying for it tomorrow though lol.

My bad for talking about my crap so much this post lol. I'm about to head to bed and I always get chatty around this time.

Mmmmmm soooooouuuuup

There's this Vietnamese restaurant close to where we used to live. It's about a 15minute drive.
We went there once before... I got this awesome spicy soup. OMG I was craving more as soon as we were done.
DH finally took me back there tonight. YYYYUUUUUMMMMMYYYYY. It's like the perfect balance of spicy, savory, salty, and just awesome! I love it so much. It's called Bun Bo Hue. I found a youtube video of someone making it. Need to go to the Asian Market to pick up some of the ingredients, which won't be for at least a week, but it will be worth it hopefully! hehe
I wish the restaurant was closer. I'd want to eat there all the time lol.

And in other news.... I had some weird twangy cramps on my left O area. I'm pretty sure it wasn't bowel b/c it didn't feel like anything that had happened before. So could be cysts.

Still imagining that I'm feeling a slight poking down in the uterus. I'm sure that's just wishful thinking though heh.


HPT is finally negative. Now the loooong loooong wait is on to see if I'll get a positive again or not. MAN I hope so! According to FF I'm only 6po so still have plenty of time to get a BFP. It's going to feel like forever.
If I am 6dpo, then AF is due for next thursday (3rd).

I've been feeling some twinging going on down there on my left side. Def a cyst. My right side hasn't been recently, but I'm sure it will probably start back up.
Would be great if we could feel implantation. I want some light cramping or something dernit! lol My eggbert(s) should be in the uterus by now :P

Ok so bowling wasn't that bad. DH's coworkers were all really nice. I still don't like meeting new people though. I felt so out of place. They all knew eachother and were laughing it up and I just felt like dead weight.
I did end up bowling though. That was fun and I totally suck at it, BUT I beat DH! MUAHAHAHAHA
We played 3 games and I beat him every time. Poor guy just can't throw that ball straight to save his life lol.
So yeah, it was fun but not really something I'd want to do often.
They're talking about going paintballing though. Now THAT is something I'd want to do. I'd be the easy slow moving target, but it would be fun lol.

Friday, January 28, 2011

My insensitive moment of the day...

I want to strangle (not really), fertile women that are for some reason shocked that they got pregnant once again. The women who already have 3, 4, 5, however many children that had absolutely NO problems conceiving that exclaim as if their newly gotten BFP is really such a shocker.
I'm sure my frustration with them comes from jealousy, but damnit, you can't help how you feel sometimes. I don't enjoy feeling like this towards someone. I'm not wishing them to m/c or anything awful like that, but I still want to yell at them that their new BFP isn't anything special b/c they already knew they could get pregnant at the drop of a hat!!

I'm not very proud of these feelings, but I had to post them anyway. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way before.

Starting to get my hopes up.... damnit

I used to like getting my hopes up, but after so many failed attempts, it's tiring to go through that cycle of emotions over and over again. Especially since in my case, it always leads to such heartache and disappointment.

But here I am, getting my hopes up once again. I just looked at possible due dates if we're successful this time. If going by first day of this cycle, then I'd be due around Sept 28th.
If going by possible conception (just going by ovulation), then my due date is Oct 15th or 16th. Would be AMAZING if it was the 15th or 16th. DH's birthday is on the 15th. Would be the best present ever lol.

Hopefully there's an eggbert or 2 floating their way to my uterus right at this moment, making themselves comfy for their 9 month stay. I keep visualizing it just hoping that doing that will somehow help heh.


Blurry photo! WOO!
IRL the line is barely a shadow. It's still there though. With the way it looks, I say def tomorrow it will be gone.

Had some aching on my right O last night. Def think I have cysts developing once again. Oh well. We could be on an extended break anyway so not like it really matters.
I am still feeling good though. Nervous, but good. Now that's not to say I'm positive I'm going to get pregnant this time, but I'm just not stressing over it as I have before.

My temp went back up this morning. I had to take it an hour earlier though. My sleep schedule getts so screwed up so easily lol. I woke up having to pee so I went ahead and took my temp.
Thankfully that was the only time I did wake to PP though, so woot :) I'll take waking up every hour or whatever if it means I'm pregnant though.


Offtopic. UGH DH is making me go out bowling with coworkers tonight. This is going to be the first time I'm meeting them. I am NOT excited about it. I am super shy irl and have absolutely nothing to talk to with other adults. Mainly b/c I just don't do anything and the stuff that I do isn't very relateable to most people.
Oh well... DH really wanted to go, I said no to him in the past and I just can't be the downer all the time. So I'll suck it up and go out tonight.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


The line is barely there. I think you can still sorta see it in the photo. I really think it would be darker if it had been taken w/ a better PP sample, but oh well. I think the trigger will be undetectable by tomorrow or the next day anyway.

I had a slight temp dip. I don't think it's IB. I'm only 4 or 5 dpo so probably just an estrogen surge or maybe the thermometer was still slightly cool or something. Who knows.

Bewbs and nipples are still sore. Felt achey in uterus and my right side when I tried laying on my stomach last night. The right side is probably due to cysts or something. I've been feeling some aches coming from the left as well, but that could be b/c of bowels.

I had another weird dream. I dreamt myself, DH, and the 2 main characters from Grey's Anatomy (Christina & Meredith) were stuck in this kind of video game Silent Hill type of creepy death maze. It was more like a building, but there were puzzles everywhere and just a ton of different ways to die.
We're going through it, and suddenly a wind-up chattering teeth toy starts to follow us. The teeth turns in to a little maybe 3 or 4yo Asian boy and he sort of starts telling us where to go, what not to do etc.
Everyone ignores him though or does the opposite.
We come upon various creepy rooms. Like old hospital rooms w/ curtains drawn to hide the beds behind them. Dark walkin closets filled with clothes, abandoned offices etc.
We eventually get to a stairwell that the little boy told us NOT to go in. We head in to it anyway. I lag behind and end up hearing the boy saying to himself or someone that he's going to kill us all eventually. O_O
I woke up as I started to go down the stairs.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Random moment....

I sauted up some asparagus for lunch today w/ some leftover ham.
Yummy, but damn does my pee stink now! lol What's in asparagus that makes you PP smell just like it and SO strongly??


My boobs are still sore, nipples still feeling raw. I know it's still early but taking it as a good sign so far.
Last time, my bewbies gradually stopped being sore. I knew that was a bad sign then.
Other than that I'm trying not to obsess and think I'm doing an OK job of it. Of course I'm going to obsess about everything some, but I'm not stressed out about it like I would've been before.


May be hard to see in the photo, but the line is still there. Just very very light.
I've been having to use the bathroom quite often at night so the line could've been darker if the urine had been a bit more concentrated. Oh well. No biggie.

How am I supposed to get it on w/ DH w/ this nasty waxy progesterone stuff coming out of my hooha?
Not that I feel like doing it right now b/c of that, but still, what if he wants to. BLEH. I think we still have some few year old condoms we could use I guess.
Hopefully I am pregnant, but if so, that means I'll be taking the suppositories until what... week 10?? Gotta figure out some way to get it on without being grossed out lol.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Line is getting super light now and the OPK is just under being a positive. Even though the line is getting lighter, I'm sure it'll stick around for a few more days.

Woke up early this morning and inserted my first progesterone suppository. BLEH. I hate these things so much. Specially since I have to use a preseed applicator thing to push it up in there good enough to where it's not going to come out. Not fun, but I will endure it if it helps.

My nipples are still pretty sore. Thankfully it's just when I or DH touches them though.

Started feeling nauseous last night. It could be from the trigger, but I think it's from the metformin b/c I've experienced that a few times now. Not sure why all of a sudden the metformin wants to make my life more miserable, but whatever!

Just sitting here waiting waiting waiting. Feeling good, but getting so impatient!

Monday, January 24, 2011


Hmm maybe the line yesterday wasn't b/cit was too diluted.
There but light. The OPK is still obviously positive. I think that will start fading tomorrow.
My temp was also up this morning finally. I still think I O'd the day before yesterday, but one day here or there isn't going to change much of anything.

We BD'd one more time last night. I think we have all of our bases covered this time around plus I think DH needs a rest hehe. Ok this is going to be some sex TMI, just a warning if anyone is a bit sensitive to this stuff.
There was a post on the forums that I go to that mentioned orgasming after the guy to help. I've heard this before. I read that the orgasm is supposed to help suck in more sperm in to the cervix, or position the cervix better or something like that. Either way it is supposed to help.
So being reminded of it, I thought we could try.
Now I don't O every time we DTD, but when I do, it's usually before he finishes. So decided to try it the other way. The last 2 times, held up a bit and finished after he did. There def wasn't as much leaking afterwards. Not sure if it's going to help at all but we'll see I guess.

Oh and I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt we had gone in to the store. I was standing there looking at something and this fiery curly redheaded flowerchild hippy chick that is extremely pregnant comes up to me. I admire her belly and she says I can touch it if I want. I hesitate, but decide WTH and touch it. I don't feel anything at first, but after a pause I guess to feel what the baby is doing, she guides my hand to feel the baby moving.
I take my hand off and say that's awesome and a group of people gather around her b/c she starts telling a story. I have no idea what she's saying b/c her baby starts to move like crazy. It's like this woman's skin was paper thin b/c you could see every detail of the baby when it moved. It was pretty freaky. And then all of a sudden, her dress flutters up and the baby's head is sticking out of her vajay. She says something along the lines of "No you don't" and proceeds to push the baby's head back in to her. O_O
The dream kind of fast forwards 20 years, and this woman is in a hospital w/ a grown man's head sticking out of her vajay. It's the baby she refused to birth! The son starts arguing w/ the crazy ass mother about something and yeah that's all I remember.
Frickin WEIRD and disturbing!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Just thinking

About the what ifs and trying to plan it out.
More negative right now than positive I'm afraid.
Such as what if this doesn't work and our insurance won't pay for anything else.
As I said before, I will go at losing weight with a vengeance. There is someone on the forums that I go to that used to be in the same buddy group. She stopped posting there, but I've seen her posts around the forums.
Just saw yesterday that she was pregnant and had lost a phenomenal 77lbs! Read a little bit more, and saw that for the past I think it was 6? months, her cycles had returned to normal (she suffers from PCOS).
That was really encouraging to see.
I just hope that my weight comes off quickly. I know it takes a lot of effort and time, but I can still hope for it. I'm sure I'll have to end up living with losing 1-2lbs per week though lol.
At the end of June we're supposed to be taking a road trip with some of DH's friends that are visiting. Hopefully I'll be pregnant, but if not, then going by the 2lbs per week thing... then I'll just hope to be 40lbs lighter.... FX for being pregnant or FX for being skinnier.

As for my plan to lose weight. I want to try to eliminate a lot of processed foods and reduce my carbs a considerable amount. SO much easier said than done though. Damn I wish fruit was less expensive and kept for longer.
Other than that though, really just watching what I eat a bit more but not putting things as off limits.
I really don't eat THAT badly now, but I'm sure some of the things I eat aren't great and is keeping the weight on.
Also of course I'll start exercising again. Probably start alternating between P90, and Turbo Jam. If we decide to spend the money on one, then add in some rowing on a rowing machine as well. DH wants one very badly, but MAN are they expensive for the good ones!
He really needs to start exercising as well. I love every single inch of him, but I know he's so unhappy with his current weight. I think if I started to work out, it would give him the motivation to start up again.

So yeah, that's my big negative thought What If.
Just want to be prepared if the worst scenerio occurs.

Now if the best one happens. Well then I'll have to get my butt in to gear and start working on the nursery collage again. DH thinks what I have up there is scary lol. Eh it's a little weird, but not scary I don't think :P And with everything else that's going to go up, it'll be less weird. I'll eventually post photos of that once I have more done.
And I have this pattern of a dragon plushie that I want to make. And if I can't do it myself ask DH's mother or aunt to make it for me & eventually ask them to make our baby a baby quilt in the design that I want that matches the fantasy theme of the nursery.
I have so much planned to do if we get pregnant and stay pregnant. So much that I hope we get to start doing soon.


It's rearing its ugly head.
I try to avoid the Pee stick section of the forums that I go to. I just really can't deal with seeing the various BFP threads that are posted by the excited women. Or the ones where the woman just wants to see the 2nd line get really dark.
Don't get me wrong, I would want to as well whenever my time comes, but seeing it right now just leaves me feeling so jealous and empty.
I don't wish that I was there and they weren't or anything cruel like that.
I'm just envious of their newly gotten BFPs.
I want to join their ranks. I want to post on the pregnant boards and actually stay there. I want to go through a pregnancy with a bunch of other ladies and share what is going on with our bodies.
And seeing all of those BFPs just reminds me that I'm not there yet and they are.
I dunno... I'm still optimistic about this cycle, but the negative feelings, especially fear, are starting to take over.
It's going to be a long TWW. Well..... 11 days for me since my LP is kind of short. BLEH!


Pee wasn't ass concentrated this morning. I think that's why the hpt isn't very dark. Not like it matters much right now anyway.
I feel like I probably ovulated yesterday/last night. My temp this morning doesn't reflect that though. Or maybe it did and the temp drop before the rise thing occurred or something. I dunno. Hopefully I sleep well tonight and am able to take my temp again. My right side seems to have stopped aching, but that could pick up again, who knows.

I had 2 very tiny spots of blood on the tp last night. Which is another reason why I think O happened. It could've been from the BDing though, but I'm doubting that.
Erm, and yeah, that's about it going on here. :D

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Possibly O spotting?

Just used the bathroom and saw 2 tiny little spots of bright red blood on the tp when I wiped.
That worries me a little bit even though it's probably just ovulation happening.
I haven't had much more O pains tonight so O may have happened, or is still happening.
Got in 2 more BDs today.
The worry is creeping in slowly lol.

Oh and my nipples hurt like hell and my boobs are sore. I will take every bad s/e though. Bring it! Can't wait for a week to go by already!


Getting a little anxious, I started to wonder if DH and I are having too much sex. We've done it 3 times so far, so I'm sure he still has some left lol, but you still can't help but wonder about these things.
I googled up some info and just think it's really interesting.
If you don't want to click the link, it pretty much explains everything about sperm. I thought these parts were really interesting.
They swim about 8 inches in one hour. To do this they need to wave their tail about 16,000 times!
Sperm swim vigorously in the direction of various female hormones. This is what guides them to the egg. The attraction is called "Chemotaxis".
The chemotaxis attraction is extremely strong. In lab tests, even when the extract of these female hormones was diluted 100,000 times, the sperm still swam toward it!

I thought the chemotaxis thing was super interesting. Always wondered how the sperm knew where to go lol.
I wonder if scientists are trying to determine if that still happens w/ maybe women whose ovaries don't work? Or well, aren't working as they should.
Another link that talks about it some

1 day past trigger

And it begins! muahahaha
I have a ton of wondfo peesticks and I plan on using them damnit! hehe
Yeah really nothing special. What the tests should be looking like at this point.
DH and I have been humping like teenagers & I've been keeping my bum up afterwards so hopefully there are some making it in there lol.
Going to stop drinking the grapefruit juice tomorrow probably. Maybe start w/ the baby aspirin again Not sure.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Insurance BS

So we finally got the letter in the mail from the insurance company explaining why I wasn't covered.
According to THEM... I'm apparently doing "Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART)". Which pretty much means IVF or donating eggs, or surrogate type of thing etc. Anything where they're handling the eggs and the sperm basically. We've NEVER done any of those. UUUUUUUUUGH that pisses me off so much.
The RE's office has to have on file that we've just been doing timed intercourse.. no IUI or anything.
UGH such a load of shit.
Not sure if DH or I have to write a letter to them. UGH ticks me off so much.

4mm a day!

So much for the 2mm a day rule!
My appointment went fantastic.
I was wrong about the smaller size follicle. The nurse mentioned that it was 13mm.
Anywho, got my u/s and it showed that both follicles were measuring at 21mm, the larger being almost 22. WOOOOOO *happy dance*
Got the trigger shot there.
Got my progest prescrip, dropped that off (they didn't have any made so we have to go back later to pick it up)... I start those on tuesday.
We got home a little while ago, I used the bathroom, and felt super slick down there. Thought it might just be the goop they use, but nope, it was mostly me. There was a thick string of EWCM hanging off the tp lol. Ewww I know, but it was still exciting to see as weird as that is rofl.

But yeah, really excited and scared! I'm still feeling really positive, but that fear of this not working is creeping in a little.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

And a not so nerdy moment.

Getting lots of EWCM.
I got some weird stuff last night. It was right before I went to bed. I used the bathroom and on the TP, it was like vaseline. I dunno what the hell it was. It was slick and felt greasy just like vaseline. Not sure if it came out of me, or maybe it was on the tp b/c it was the last little bit on the roll or what.
I know it wasn't the stuff the RE's office uses to lube up the dildo cam. That stuff is like preseed.

But yeah, no weirdness today, just feeling lots of CM down there. Went to the bathroom and checked and there is A LOT of it. I think the grapefruit juice is really helping.

Weapons (nerdy moment ahead) Edit: Added what they look like in the game

So here are the 2 that I made for the contest.
I have absolutely no chance of winning, but this was fun to do.

I don't really like this one too much. In the game it looks fantastic and it looks simple enough, but creating it was a pain in the ass. The colors just aren't great on it and bleh. I don't like it, but oh well.

Here's what it looks like in the game

And the other one that I made. I like this one much much better although it's not exactly how it looks in the game. Even though this one looks a bit more detailed, it was much easier. Probably b/c it's flat compared to the other so not as much to have to worry about.

And here's the game image. I couldn't do the nice detail stuff on the blue part. I tried but acrylics do NOT like to blend well. At least I don't have the skill level to do it heh.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


That's what my E2 came back as. And what I heard was correct. My follicles are 16 and 11.
I do 200 follistim today and tomorrow, go back in on friday for just an u/s and get the trigger then :D
Hopefully the smaller follicle will catch up some and will be mature by then.

2... maybe!

My u/s went pretty well this morning.
My left ovary was hiding so that took a while to find. When she did finally find it, it was hard to see but didn't look like it had any large follicles. So I guess all of those twinges on that side have all been bowel.
On my right, it showed 2 pretty good size follicles.
I'm not sure on the size. DH says 18 and 14 but if one was 18 I think she would've told me to trigger.
I think DH was just seeing one of the measurements that was taken and not the overall size.
I think I heard her say 16 and 11, but I'm not sure on that either.
Either way, I'm hoping both follicles are going to release a mature egg. Double our chances this time :)
We'll see what my E2 comes back this time, and if I'll have to take the follistim that they gave me. I hope not and we can just return it to them.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


On a more positive note... I seem to be getting a lot of EWCM. I've been feeling wet down there all day long but didn't really check to see what was going on.
Had a BM, and I will sometimes get some EW type of CM that doesn't mean anything, but I had a BM tonight and there was a TON of it.
It was really slick, thin and stretchy.
Could be from the grapefruit juice, or the EPO, or who the hell knows. Just glad it's there :D
I've been drinking about a cup of grapefruit juice a day since getting some last Sunday. I've been taking the EPO since the start of the break... however long ago that was. 2 a day. It's the Now brand Super Primrose 1300mg softgels I purchased from

Even with the insurance mess going on, I'm still feeling really positive about this cycle. I mean I'm obviously stressed about the insurance problem, but when it just comes to this cycle I dunno... my spirits just haven't been dampened at all which is very weird for me b/c I'm so pessimistic most of the time.
And with the appearance of so much great fertile EWCM, that helps as well. I had loads of it during my BFP cycle, so I'm taking it as a great sign.

I remember last cycle I didn't have any EW. It was all watery. Seriously, it felt like I was lubed with tap water. Really uncomfy BDing.

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Damn my body.....

First, my E2 came back at 140 thank goodness. I stay on the 200 follistim and go back in Wed for my first u/s and bloodwork again.

Now for the bad news, our insurance is refusing to pay for my follistim.
We're supposed to be getting a letter in the mail explaining why the prior approval was denied. I don't see any good reason other than they just don't want to pay. Even in the book that explains all the coverage, I SHOULD be covered.
We'll see in a couple of days why they're being assholes. And then we're going to have to send them a letter explaining why we should be covered. Seriously?? So insurance companies make people beg to be covered now? Awesome......

I just feel so useless right now. If my body just frickin worked like it should, none of this would even be a problem. Hell, even if my body just worked slightly, or with less meds, like on clomid or something. But oh no! My body has to be damn stubborn and broken.

So yeah, this could be our last cycle for a long time. Hopefully because we're pregnant, but if not....

Obviously I've been taking my weight loss lightly, but if we're not pregnant this cycle, then I'm going at it hard core. I can't just sit around and do nothing while we wait ya know? Of course that's going to take forever to lose weight with as much as I have to lose, but what else will I have to do.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

Random thoughts

Boy.... last night was painful. I wanted a drink SO bad (alcohol that is). DH went ahead and did drink and boy is he annoying when he's buzzed lol. Thank goodness he doesn't drink a lot to begin with b/c I don't think I could deal with that often rofl.

Still working on the weapons for the contest. I need to hurry up and stop procrastinating. One is done, but the other I just started. The deadline is this friday so I really need to get it done already. I'll post photos of them both when I'm finished.

I highly recommend everyone start using flushable wipes. They're pretty much just baby wipes you can flush. If you aren't using them, DO. It's a bit weird at first, but once you get used to them, you'll feel SO much cleaner after using the bathroom.

Photo of my new betta

I hate my boobs when I'm not on meds. They deflate. Now, they're just starting to get back to being nice and full, but during any of the breaks we've had to take, BLEH. Like a partially deflated balloon.

Oh DH told me that the prior approval thing lasts for a year. YAY! I had no idea. I thought that they would have to do it for each new prescription. Thank goodness I was wrong. Hopefully the pharmacy will have some answers for us tomorrow about what our insurance is going to do or not do. Already told DH he better call up the insurance if they refuse.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Offtpic for another obsession of mine

I got another betta today! YAY!
If ya didn't know, I'm crazy for fish. We have a 125, 29, 10, and now a 5 gallon tank. I have another 10 gallon and a 3 gallon that aren't being used atm.

Anywho, I LOVE betta fish, or siamese fighting fish as some people know them. I haven't had one for about a year though.
We took a road trip to a Petco. It was around 40mins away. I only wanted to go b/c I knew they had fancier betta fish.
Betta fish are categorized by their tails.
The common ones that most petstores have are
Veil Tails
Their tails are really long and drape like a piece of cloth even when the betta is flared (showing off basically)

Next more common one is the Crown tail.
This refers to when the betta's rays on their fins grow in to long spikey looking extentions. I guess rays = veins?

Then you start getting in to the fancier more expensive stuff.....
I think the next most common is the Delta then Super Delta. Not sure why they're called this, but it has to do w/ how wide their tail flares out.
This one is a Super Delta (not one I have owned, but boy do I wish)

Then one of the most expensive and most wanted is the Half Moon.
This means that when the tail is flared, the tail creates a half circle, or 'half moon'.
There are different variations. Some breeders have managed to create 'Half Suns' Which is just a crown tail betta that has a half moon flare. If that makes any sense heh.
My new little betta is supposed to be a Half Moon, but it looks more like a delta or super delta.
This one is just a half moon.

Then there is the Rose tail betta. These are usually half moons w/ a lot of extra membrane between each ray in the tail. This creates a very pretty tail that resembles rose petals

Then you have Plakats, which are just male bettas with smaller fins.
And also double tail. this one can be in any of the other tail variations. This is when the tail pretty much splits creating a double tail look. I personally don't like that one at all, but to each their own.

And yeah, that's my obsessing for now. I think I've made myself look like a crazy fish person enough for tonight :D
I'll post photos of my new betta after it has calmed down some.


My body is seriously resisting the meds this time around.
Sigh, if only the RE had just been super aggressive to begin with.
Even though I am frustrated with him, I'm still feeling really positive about this cycle.

My E2 only came back an 81 today. BOOOO
I was sure it would be over 100 by now, but I guess my body has other plans.
RE has finally bumped up my dose a good bit to 200.
I have 2 vials of follistim. Each one should give me 2 days, so 4 days total IF I stay on the 200 dose. If I get upped again, then we're going to have to buy more.
UGH I hope our insurance comes through. Going to have to tell the RE on Monday when we go in that they may need to go ahead and place another order for mre follstim for me b/c of the prior approval thing.

And yep... I'm still feeling twinges. Who the heck knows what my ovaries are doing. lol
Hopefully the 200 dose kicks my ovaries imaginary butts in to gear and gets some follicles growing!

And yet another one

Another celeb is pregnant, or at least just announced it.

Good for them and all but I HATE hearing about celebs getting pregnant, b/c you know damn well that as soon as the baby is born, some of them will whore out photos of the baby, and will then be on covers talking about how they miraculously lost ALL of the baby weight and then some as if it's totally normal and every woman should be back to their pre-baby weight RIGHT after giving birth.
It's such a load of shit.

Anywho, just up waiting to go for my appointment. I'll be back later w/ details.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Not that bad

Just wanted to say that the taste of grapefruit juice isn't that bad any longer. Yeah that first swig of it is a bit blah, but after that, it's ok. Not my favorite thing but it's not bad.

So yep, yet another celeb has announced that they are pregnant today. Whoopdifrickin do for them........................

I should probably have a warning

I complain a heck of a lot and can curse up a storm. I must come off sounding ungrateful sometimes, and I'm really not.
This is just the only place I can really get it all out and say what I want. Well, in my head there is usually more cursing but still :P hehe

So yeah, I guess consider this a warning for future posts... and previous ones if you're the type to go back and read past ones :D

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Oh and I have to complain about Grey's again

Tonight's episode was just such an eyeroller.
The whole story line w/ Meredith and Derrick trying to have a baby. UUUUGH
They're supposed to be doctors and this stupid bitch is already testing on day 10 of her cycle? REALLY??? Shouldn't these characters know how to make a damn baby???
And then she used up what was it, TEN hpts in a single day thinking that something was going to change???
What the hell???
ALL of the crap they research for the show and they couldn't even bother to research one of the most basic things out there?? Really?
I swear the entire episode, whenever it showed that storyline my eyes were on constant roll mode.

Oh and I'm going to have to stop going to some of my celeb gossip sites. I swear if I see one more damn celebrity announce their pregnancy, I'm going to scream.

Damn you BCBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd damn Blue Cross Blue Shield BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RE ordered more follistim. 2 more vials actually.
Got a call from the pharmacy to confirm and all that junk. Got a total of 520something dollars.
Tell them that our insurance requires prior approval (PA) now. Get told that it shows that our insurance DOESN'T cover the meds any longer but that they'll call the insurance and see what is going on.
Get another call from the pharmacy to confirm the order again, but it was just a mix up. I tell this girl as well that we need PA. She also tells me that our insurance says it doesn't cover it any longer, but she's going to give them a call about the PA.
I guess she looks up other cases of people with BCBS needing prior approval and she tells me that none of them were approved. She wasn't telling me this to be mean or anything like that, she was actually very nice and sympathetic. She just wanted to make sure that I knew that there was a chance that our insurance wasn't going to pay up.
There is absolutely NO reason for them to refuse to cover my stuff.
Anyway, we had to pay full price again, but she said that they're going to file a claim so we get reimbursed for this prescription and the $900 one as well.

Sigh... crying right now out of frustration and I'm scared that this could be our last chance. At least for a very long time. We just can't afford to pay $1500 every month for the meds alone, NM the doctor visits, or well, every other month. And it's not like I'm a wine, my full body doesn't get better with age.

I feel so helpless right now and angry. FINALLY when we have a chance, and our insurance could possibly screw us like this. They better not refuse to pay up b/c there is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't pay. I'm not doing injections w/ IUI or IVF. If they do refuse to pay, DH is going to call them.

Supposed to hear back from the pharmacy. The lady said probably next week.

Even in light of all of this crap, I'm still really hopeful for this cycle. Scared about all of this mess obviously, and scared that this won't work, but I'm just not feeling stressed about it if that makes sense. I just feel kind of at peace. Oh I'm sure I'll be devasted if it's a failed attempt again, but right now I'm ok.

Just wanted to gab some

Nothing really going on in the lady bits. Still trying to figure out if the Left O is producing anything or not. Dern you bowels! *shakes fist*

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy on netflix instant watch. I never really got in to the show until last year. I've seen some of the earlier seasons, but didn't watch it regularly.
I know everyone just loves Patrick Dempsey's character, but UGH what a DOUCHE. I'm at the part where he has gotten back together with Addison, trying to work on their marriage. NM that he still tries to hang all over Grey like a damn dog in heat.
I just don't understand why anyone, let alone women would be behind this character.

I know I know, welcome to a few years ago when anyone cared! lol I just had to rant about it b/c watching the show back to back to back gets to you. :P

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Once again....

I was right! :P lol
Seriously though, I knew staying on 125 wasn't going to do anything, and yep, it didn't.
My E2 only went up to 73. I don't know why the hell the RE takes it SO slow with me. I mean damn, my previous cycles just shows that my body needs A LOT of stimulation to do what it should.
I could understand if this was just my 2nd injection cycle or something, and we were still learning what my body is going to do, but come on! Review my damn charts and finally realize that, hey, this chick could use a higher dose!
I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated. It's just my impatients getting the better of me I think. I am only on cd 8 right now :P heh
Oh well.... my dose has been raised to 150. I'm sure next time it will be raised again to 175 unless the RE just enjoys wasting our time and money.

DH can't get off Friday, so the nurse is asking the RE if going in Saturday is fine.

Oh and apparently, on Monday, the RE forgot to even schedule me to come in today. So we showed up and they had no record of us needing to come in. Awesome..... :\

I know I complain a lot but I'm ok with this place. Not going to like everything that happens ya know.

I am feeling twinges and aches in my right O area still.. even if apparently it's only just a little something that is happening. Still not sure if the left side was O or not. Guess we'll find out at my first u/s whenever that is.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Was just thinking to myself as I took a shower.
If gawd forbid, this is yet another failed cycle, and I just know I'm going to have cysts again so with the next month off, I'm going to give the weight loss a more serious effort. I should've done it before Christmas, but I let myself make excuses that it's the holidays, blahblahblah.
Just tired of seeing my weight fluctuate right now and not go down any longer. And it feels like I want to eat more and more.
So yeah, if nothing again (hopefully I will be preggers though), then I'm gonna really kick my big ass in to gear to lose as much weight in a healthy way as possible. Not that I could do it an unhealthy way. Hell, I don't have the willpower to be anorexic or bulemic. I love food too much and I hate throwing up.

I think something may be growing on the left O too. Like I said though, it's hard to tell, but I've been getting some aches over there. Hopefully my E2 tomorrow will come back higher.
Checked my CM before my shower. My T-rex arms and stubby sausage fingers prevent me from reaching far, but what I got was a lot of extremely creamy cm.

Erm feels like I wanted to post about something else but I forgot. Oh well, if it comes to me I'll just post again. Yay internet!

Sick? Maybe

I'm pretty warm blooded. I get hot very easily at night, so I end up sleeping with my feet sticking out from under the blanket, or may just end up kicking it all off of me.
Well it has been colder lately, and I think I'm paying for it. Have the sniffles that just don't want to go away. I feel fine other than that though, so hopefully it won't progress to anything worse.

I think I'm going to O from my right O again. I can feel some twinges, and aches if I lay on that side. I can feel something on the left as well, but that could just be bowel since I have some sitting right there where the ovary is.
I'm hoping for at least 2-3 follicles growing, but if it's just one, then I'll take that gladly as well.

AF has finally stopped. It was just barely there spotting whenever I used the bathroom yesterday. I was dreading that AF may try to drag out some, but thankfully it didn't.

Erm, what else..... still a bunch of snow outside. Well, it's not really snow anymore, more ice than anything. Really scary. I hate that DH had to drive in it this morning, and has to this afternoon, but he does have an important job at the hospital. Going to have to go out back to get the ice off the porch so the dogs will go out. So funny, and sad b/c they took a step out and start slipping everywhere :P

Oh and I learned that I shouldn't be drinking grapefruit juice w/ my synthroid. Only did that today, so shouldn't cause any problems.
I'll just drink some with lunch from now one and take swigs of it throughout the day.
No idea if it's helping yet or not.

Monday, January 10, 2011

First E2

Well, thankfully the RE's office called early w/ the results.
He called DH's cell phone for some reason, but whatever.

My E2 only came back at 59, but I'm supposed to stick with the 125 until Wed.
Not going to lie, it really pisses me off that I have to stay at 125 when my E2 is still only at 59, but what can I do, ya know?
I'm not one to disobey a dosage even though I want to lol
I just don't understand why I have to stay on such a low dose when my E2 is still so low.
Whatever though. Even though I'm frustrated and PO'd about that, I'm still feeling good about this cycle.

I had my first cup of grapefruit juice today. BLEH. It's SO just... BLEH. I LOVE the smell of grapefruits, but the taste... just not for me.
Oh well, hopefully it will help. I read some posts from women (googled), that said the same day they had some juice it helped, while others say it takes time. So I figured I might as well start now just in case.
Going to aim for about a cup every morning.

It's snowing!!!......again!!!

Frickin crazy. Seriously, this never happens. I mean we may get snow more than once, but usually it doesn't stick at all.
This is much much worse than what happened on Christmas. A lot more snow, and a lot more dangerous.
And of course our dumbasses went out in it first thing this morning for my dr's appointment. WOO!
Lemme tell ya, that shit was SCARY.
Everyone going super slow thankfully, but it was still scary. Couldn't even tell where the road was.
Our truck isn't 4 wheel drive apparently, so we fish tailed coming home a few times. Nothing major or anything but still scary as hell.

Here are some photos... first one DH took just after Christmas when it snowed.
That's all the lights we put up. There will be MUCH more next year! YAY!

Next 2 are ones I just took. Not great photos but hopefully you can see there is much more snow.
It's supposed to get worse later in the day b/c we're supposed to be getting sleet and/or icy rain so it's going to make the roads even slicker.
Thankfully DH doesn't have to go to work today.

We weren't the only crazy ones going in to the RE though, we were just the first to get there. They weren't sure if the lab results were going to be available later, so we'll see.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Soooo sleepy

Dern AF. Even though it's not heavy, still making me super sleepy.
Like right after dinner tonight, I could've just curled up and gone to bed for the rest of the night.

Hrmm... what else. Haven't felt any O action going on. Not really surprised by that or anything. Just hoping that my E2 lvl on Monday is good.
Ya know, those negative feelings haven't really shown up yet. I say yet, b/c who knows how I'll feel later, but I'm still feeling positive.
It was a bit depressing going over to the preg boards in the forums that I go to though. Someone in one of the threads that I manage gave birth so I wanted to update their status.
Sigh, just seeing all of the threads w/ the new moms got be down a little, but eh.

Going to get some grapefruit juice this Sunday. When are you supposed to start drinking it to help with CM?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Chicken satay & my RE visit

The 2 aren't related or anything lol
I was going to post about the chicken recipe last night but blogger was screwing up.

Anywho, my RE visit went well. Right O showed a bunch of follicles, Left O showed a few.
The RE did the exam, so I got to ask him about either starting on 125 or 150. He wants me to start on 125. I'm fine with it. Being impatient, I would've preferred 150, but right now I'm just happy to have this chance again.
 Hopefully my body will produce more than just a single follicle, but I'll take a single over nothing.
I'm still feeling really good about this cycle. Scared of course, but really positive for the most part.


And for the chicken satay. The local fast food chinese restaurants here sell these awesome chicken on a sticks. I always wanted to try to make them at home, but could never find the right recipes. The recipes that I usually found were for a peanut marinade which just sounds gross to me.
Anywho, finally realized that the chinese places here must be using Chinese 5 Spice. It's just 5 spices mixed together. Think it's cinammon, ginger, erm.... and other stuff I can't remember.
Anywho, that is def what they use. Mine was a bit saltier (I used bouillon as well in my marinade b/c it didn't taste salty enough... but it was apparently), but still tasted exactly the same.

Can't give exact measurements, but I'll try to list what I did.

Bought a pack of boneless, skinless chicken thighs. There were 5 in the pack.
Mixed together about
1.5tbs chinese 5 spice
1tsp garlic powder
1tsp black pepper
1/3 cup soy sauce
(I added about 1tsp of chicken bouillon as well, but this made it just a tad too salty)
I may have added in 1tsp-1tbs of white sugar. I honestly can't remember.
I plan on making this again, so we'll see if sugar or no sugar next time.

Stuck the chicken in a ziplock. Poured in the marinade, and marinated it overnight.
For cooking. I used hrmm... about 2-3 cups of veg oil to deep fry. I skewered the chicken thighs on bamboo skewers, and placed in the oil. DH wanted them really crispy so I cooked for about 10mins + on med/high heat. Not sure on the exact time.

Good stuff good stuff.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Stupid frickin insurance....

Anyways... Forgot to mention what else occurred.
So the RE actually called me back yesterday. Have I mentioned how awkward he is? I know I have, but damn.
Anywho, he starts telling me that there's no way of knowing how I'll react towards meds.. talking about how many follicles I've been producing and such.
I think he was trying to give me the option of either going up in dose from the start, or trying it the long way again where I produced more than 1 follicle (and got pregnant).
He didn't exactly word it as an option. Just asked if I got frustrated having to stim for so long, and I answered honestly. Hell yes I did! Ok so I didn't answer it quite like that, but you get the point heh.
So after telling him that, he said we'll go ahead and just try a higher dose from the start. He said 125u, which I'm not too happy about, but whatever.
I think he's forgetting that at the end of the long stim preggo cycle, I was on 250u for 7 days. I'm sure that was a huge reason why I produced the 3 follicles I did.

Oh well..... I'd be more than willing to stim that long again if it means I get pregnant and stay that way.

Oh and back to the insurance. In the letter they had sent us telling us about the change, they make it clear that if I wanted to even try IUI, that the fert meds would not be covered. I knew it! I knew those bastards wouldn't pay up for the meds even if we paid for the IUI OOP.
Have I mentioned how much I hate insurance? Grrrrrrr

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Holy Shit!

I had forgotten that our insurance changed. We need to get pre-approval for the fertility meds now and I just completely forgot to tell the RE about it.
Got a call from the pharmacy they use, and our bill is frickin 923 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAACK
I about fainted when I heard that.
Hopefully there won't be a problem getting anything next time, but DAMN. I hope it goes back to what it was... not that that was much cheaper.
If not, then we're not going to be able to keep doing this.


Still nada. Well I had a bit more spotting this morning. Actual red and not just a slight tinge. AF is just taking its sweet time starting.
I'll update later once it finally starts.

UPDATE 12:30- So it's still not a flow yet. Looks more like it does at the end. Old stuff. I know it will pick up later though. Going to call up the doc in just a little bit and get an appointment for Thursday hopefully.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Just wanted to update

Haven't posted in a while so just wanted to give a bit of an update.
No AF yet. Maybe the prolonged break screwed things up some. Who knows. I did have a very small smudgy barely there spot on the tp earlier, but that has been it so far.
I'm getting all of my typical pre-AF symptoms though, so I know she's coming. I'll probably take an HPT tomorrow morning just in case. HA yeah right, but I will anyway if nothing starts tonight.
So instead of going in Tuesday, or even Wednesday for that matter, it will probably be Thursday before we get in there. DH said he has some crap to do Wed so yep. That's ok though. Right now it doesn't look like AF will be coming until tomorrow, so Thursday would be cd3, so np at all.

Erm what else. Drove my car a bit more finally. Really fun little car to drive. I can see why DH likes going a bit fast around turns now heh.
I dunno, thinking DH should just take the car though. At least most of the time. I really don't plan on driving much and if I do need it, then I could just take the truck or take the car that day or something.
Still need to get used to the car though. The brakes on it on SO sensitive. Also need to take it in b/c I guess when they were installing the new rear view mirror, they screwed something up b/c the one push up/down window feature on the driver side isn't working.