Friday, October 28, 2011

Good night turned to shit

This is going to be ranting and venting if you couldn't tell.... with a lot of cussing.
I knew this night would come sooner or later. The night when SiL would finally go out again with family. I just can't deal with it yet.
I will eventually but right now, I can't and well, DH doesn't get it.
As soon as I found out that she was going to be out as well.... I told him I wasn't going. I guess he thought I was joking or that he could convince me but no.
So what does he say to me?
"You have to get over this eventually."
Yeah, no fucking shit sherlock.
That just really hurt. I know I have to overcome this bitterness, jealousy and loathing of this entire situation, but god damn... I'm still fucking bleeding from the last damn m/c. Give me some fucking time.
Excuse me if I don't want to see the baby... or possibly see DH holding the baby. That breaks my heart to even think about. I know it's kinda crazy, but I don't want to see him holding a baby unless it's ours. Having to see him holding a baby, the adoration and love in his eyes for a baby that isn't our own.... that kills me.
I know I'll have to get over that too since this is his neice, but come on..... I need time. Does he not understand that this is our 4th time failing... MY 4th time failing? Would he be so quick to get over it if it was HIS body that failed us every time?
I know he said it out of frustration b/c he really wanted me to just go, but I'm not strong right now. Or well.. I am most of the time but that was when I knew I wouldn't have to face SiL & the baby.

Sigh.... is it so wrong of me to not want to see them? I mean damn, I think I've been doing pretty fucking awesome up to this point.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Results came back an 8 so might as well be a negative.
For some reason they want me back in TWO weeks to recheck it. WTH? Why so long?
I'd rather get it checked sooner so I can get the other tests sooner, but whatever. At least now I can finally hope to ovulate.
Focus my energy on something more positive instead of the m/c.

Now to just get this damn spotting to stop. It is SO damn annoying!

BFN hopefully

Tested this morning with actual FMU and I'm pretty sure it's BFN. I thought maybe there could be a shadow line, but looking at the tests now that they're dried, the HPT doesn't look like there's anything on it other than one of those annoying dot indents.
I dunno... I think my beta will still come back positive, but very low.

I also THOUGHT that this bleeding may be lightening up but nope. Went to the bathroom when I got home this morning from getting a beta draw and there was a good bit of AF looking blood on the tp w/ a tiny stringy clot. Could be another AF type of bleed starting. Shouldn't be very heavy though since the last one only ended not that long ago.
Hopefully it's not. I'm so tired of bleeding!

In other news.. I didn't exercise yesterday and don't plan to today either. I really should though, but I'm not. I just don't like exercising after I've taken a shower. Sure I could take another shower after I'm done, but meh, I'm lazy. I'd rather just not exercise lol.

I did do something semi-productive yesterday though. I carved the pumpkin MiL gave to us. She was going to give it to SiL but she figured SiL wouldn't want it for obvious reasons.

I saw a photo of a jack-o-lantern while googling and wanted to try out that same type of design. It looked easy and I'm sure it would've been if I had the right tools to do it, but yeah, I didn't and almost stabbed myself multiple times :P

Think today I'll work on the nursery mural that I've been slacking off on for a year now.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I am such an idiot

So..... I'm bad with dates and our anniversary is no exception.
I thought it was yesterday, but NOPE, it's actually today. Sigh....
DH laughed and laughed and laughed at me last night b/c of that :P lol I don't blame him.
Seriously, I don't understand why I don't remember! I at first thought 26th.... then 24th.... I go AROUND the date but don't actually settle on the real date. Oh well... now I know..... for now hehe

We're still not doing anything special today. He's grilling so basically he's fixing dinner which will be nice.

In other news... tests today are lighter. HPT is still showing a faint + but it's faint. So yay for that.
Ever since exercising yesterday, my right ovary has been aching. Not sure what that is about, but I hope it's a follicle wanting to ovulate.

I'm not as sore as I thought I would be. A couple of places are sore, but not enough to cause problems with exercising today. Think I'm going to mostly walk or do eliptical with a little bit of weight lifting for my arms.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Eggs mostly..

Not my own, but chicken eggs.
Just felt like posting this since this is supposed to be a blog about losing weight AND ttc :)

Did you know that some chickens can actually lay green and blue tinted eggs? Yeah, I didn't either until DH's parents and uncle/aunt started getting in to buying chickens.
It's pretty neat. I dunno what type of chicken in particular is supposed to lay the colored eggs, and even if you get that chicken, it may only lay cream or brown. I think his uncle likes calling them Easter Eggers for obvious reason.

Also, if you or friends/family are vegetarian/vegan, blahblah and don't like eating animal products for moral reasons, there is NOTHING wrong with eating chicken eggs. You're not killing anything. Chickens will lay eggs even if they're not fertilized! So you can eat the eggs without feeling like you're killing something b/c you're really not. Awesome right? Just find a local farmer that raises the chickens in a humane way (not in little cages) and get those eggs!

The other week DH's parents gave us 72 eggs.... what is that... 6 dozen? We're just now getting to the 2nd carton of 18.
Just to show ya.... here are the eggs and their various colors.
Their chickens are def free range... actually wild would be a better way to describe them. They just let them roam the property and go pick up the eggs every day. They get about 13 eggs daily from just the chickens.
They also have ducks that are laying, but I really have no interest in duck eggs.

OOO I made homemade mayo today! I LOVE mayo and missed it so much so finally just stopped being lazy and made some.

I got the recipe from marksdailyapple.
I did change a few things though.
I didn't bother cooking the egg yolks. If I were pregnant, I would be a bit more cautious, but since I'm not, I didn't want to do the slow cook thing. Anyway, the risk of getting sick from eating raw eggs is VERY slim anyway.
I also didn't have fresh lemons, so just used the juice stuff that comes in the lemon shaped squeeze thing.
And finally, I used light flavor olive oil b/c I'm just not fond of the taste of olive oil.
The teaspoon of salt IMO is a bit too much for this, but other than that, AWESOME! Tastes just like mayo you can buy in the store except this one is obviously healthier for you w/ less additives and such :D

I boiled up some eggs and made myself some egg salad. YUMMY! I have cans of tuna in the pantry I've been wanting to dive in to and now w/ my mayo, I'll have an awesome lunch for one of these days :)

Restart, day 1

All of you ladies that are naturally thin, count yourselves lucky! lol
Man I hate exercising!

So as you can see, today was my first day back to torturing myself w/ exercise.
I really didn't do all that much. Tried some new stuff that I'll be doing more of.
I've sat in the living room and watched the P90X stuff while DH is doing it, and on the shoulder stuff, this one woman uses those elastic exercise bands instead of doing pullups. She sits on the floor which I can't do (b/c the bands are too short and I'm afraid of tearing down the pullup bar that I wrap them around), so I just stood there and did the stuff. It was pretty good. Not sure how well it's exercising anything, but I'll keep with it.
I also did a lot of kettlebell stuff. Tried out some new moves that are supposed to help workout the abs. It def does something. OUCH.
I'll have a nice flat stomach.....underneath all of this fat.....

Also did a few other things like squats and jogged on the treadmill for a minute lol.
Like I said, not a ton of stuff, but it's a start and I worked up a pretty good sweat doing it.

In other news, I'm still spotting. Nothing really new there.
Feeling some slight but sharp aches on my right ovary. I think it's whatever follicles/cysts are over there. Is it even possible to ovulate when you have a small amount of HCG in your system?
I mean the doc does make me do the micro-dose shots that are supposed to help, but I'm sure that's only a very very small amount w/ each shot.
Googling up some info, some women say no, some say yes. I dunno, I think it has to be a possibility if your HCG is low enough. I'm not saying someone would if their HCG was at 100+ or something, but low, maybe 50< maybe. *shrugs*

Our 3rd Anniversary is today. Man that sucks. Getting to this point and still not having a baby or pregnant.
Wish I knew when we actually started dating. I'm terrible with dates. I think it was June or July... and gosh, that was about 15 or so years ago. Good lord....
We weren't exactly careful every time we had sex when we started... we could have a frickin teenager by now if my body worked. Yikes. I can't imagine what my life would be like if that was the case. It's so weird to even think about. Hell, I have a hard enough time now thinking about having a baby in my life. I want that more than anything, but it is such a big change, ya know?

Anyway, I'm rambling. Gotta go fix some lunch.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Tequila is so gross... lol. It's one of those things that to me sounds good, but then when you actually get some it's gross. You keep going back to it anyway thinking maybe your taste buds will start liking it, but nope.

So we got pretty buzzed last night. Actually DH got totally wasted and I got buzzed lol.
It was fun though. We did finally have sex. YAY!
No marathon sex though. Totally forgot that I get pretty sore afterwards when we don't have sex for a while. SO yeah.... I need a few days to heal up.
Not that DH will be in any hurry to do anything anyway since I am still spotting. SIGH
I don't think it's going to stop until hcg is back down to 0 or close to it. Annoying!

Dinner last night wasn't so bad. Just DH and I and his parents. We told them the names we picked out for a boy girl. MiL kept pestering us so DH finally told her lol.
Yeah, Ziggy got a few looks and laughs, but she really likes Zooey.
Sigh... now if we can just stay pregnant maybe we can use one of those names.....
If this miscarriage would ever just end already, I could start obsessing over ovulating and trying naturally.

Friday, October 21, 2011


Bought some alcohol for tonight and plan on getting wasted. Well, not totally wasted b/c hangovers are awful, but enough to just let everything go and have fun with DH (sex or no sex).
Knowing that the beta is coming down, even if it is slow was such a relief yesterday. I was so worried about it and now that I know... I'm just so done wasting energy worrying about this any longer. I'll keep testing probably every other day or so just to keep an eye on it, but that's it.

I bought some strawberry daiq mix & bacardi to go with it.
Also bought some limes and 1800 tequila. DH and I don't really like margaritas so I figured just doing shots would be ok lol.
I really don't like that alcohol burn though so may have to get buzzed on the strawberry stuff first and then do shots later :P That burn always makes me gag. I hope I don't come off as some big lush. We really don't drink often at all. I just think right now... I deserve this after all of the crap I've had to go through the last month.

Anywho, I am excited to start the strict 30 days! It's going to be hard getting back in to it and not cheating at all, but I'm super pumped b/c it means that the weight is going to start coming off again! I still have a lot of weight I need to lose. Every pound off is time I'm adding to my life. Can you tell I've been watching too much Biggest Loser on Netflix yet? hehe
I just started season 5. I think it's season 5. I watched some of it when it actually came on b/c I remember a lot of the couples. It was sad the first or 2nd episode when they're talking with the different doctors and the one woman talking with the gyn tells her that she had 3 m/c and 2 ectopic. UGH that made me start bawling b/c hell... that's me. I mean maybe not exactly but hell, close enough.
So yeah... I'm excited to get that started and actually start exercising again. Well, not actually exercising, but doing it b/c I know I'll lose weight quicker.

I'm feeling good. I still have my moments of feeling depressed, but for the most part, I'm good.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Rough start

I had a very rough start this morning. I usually get up at 5:40 to fix DH breakfast and go back to bed, or if I have a doc appointment, I get up and just stay up.
I woke up at frickin 4am and could not get back to sleep!!! BLEH!
So I'm frickin tired going to the doc office in morning rush hour traffic when everyone's brain shuts off apparently while driving.
So blahblah. After getting blood taken.
I have to go to the store before heading home to pick up some stuff to make another cheesecake for tomorrow.
Well, I'm going along, minding my own business. Not anywhere near the car in front of me. I always drive with at least 2 car lengths of space between me and the car in front of me. Well apparently that was almost not enough b/c all of a sudden, I'm rushing up on them and almost rear end them. Thank god there was no one behind me and thank god the brakes on my car are awesome!
I was seriously only 2 inches away from getting in to a wreck. I honestly don't know how it happened b/c I looked in the rearview mirror for a split second and that happened.
They must've had to brake suddenly as well *shrugs*
Anywho, that's not the end of it!
I get to the store, pick out what I need. Go to pay. Everything is fine. Well I slide my card in, do what I think I need to do, grab my bag and I'm heading out.
Well the cashier mumbles something to my back. I have trouble hearing if there's a lot of background noise so I don't understand her. I look at her and she repeats it and looks at the card sliding keypad. I look at it and look at her and tell her there's nothing on it. She finally speaks up and says that I actually cancelled the payment. DOH!!!
You know how for debit it asks if you want cash back. Well I forgot that I had already hit no, so when the total came up, I was thinking for some reason that it was asking if I wanted cash back so hit no again.
Yeah... that was bad. She looked at me like I was a total moron and I do not blame her.
So... I almost shop lifted........ awesome......

I thought the day was going to get worse, but it hasn't been so bad since I've just been at home being lazy and trying to get warm.
Finally got a call back with my beta results and it's at 63. So it is down thankfully, but it's going down sooooooo sloooooowly.
No mention of having to get the metho shot so yay for that at least.
Go back in on Thursday for a recheck.

Also, I think maybe my spotting is going away. At least I really really hope so!! Thought I was just going to be spotting like I have been, but it seems to actually be going away. It could start back up though so we'll see.
If it is gone, I am going to get SO drunk this weekend and DH better be prepared for A LOT of sex!!! We haven't had sex in over a damn month and I needs it! lol

And not to leave you on that lovely note heh... Here's a photo of the cheesecake! I'm sure I could've gotten a better photo but oh well!
It's the same one I made for DH's birthday. A white chocolate raspberry cheesecake.
Made a few changes from the recipe after reading some reviews. Like I used oreos for the crust. Less sugar in the crust since I used oreos.
Used heavy cream instead of half & half.
And I used seedless raspberry jam instead of making it. You just microwave it for about 20sec or until it gets a bit more liquidy and use it as instructed.
DH wanted me to make it for a work thing tomorrow.
It's SO rich and dense but so delicious. It doesn't need anything else on it. Maybe fresh raspberries if you want, but really, it's good just the way it is.

Love baking. Too bad it's all awful delicious sugar stuff heh.

OH and finally, DH and I talked last night and we're going to do another strict 30 days. We've both been slacking off with our diets and we both need to get things going down the weight loss path again. So we're starting that on Sunday/Monday.
Mark Sisson... the guy that wrote the Primal Blueprint and runs brought out a new book. From what it sounds like it basically tells you what you need to do for the next 21 days. Bought it today and hope to get it early next week. That will make the next month easier if the book holds your hand through it heh.

So yeah... that's it for now. Looks like trying naturally is still on thank goodness and trying to lose some weight again.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Yep... still dark

Took some tests not too long ago.

Took one of the FRERs b/c I wanted to compare it to the last one.
It's not as dark as before, but it's still pretty damn dark.
First photo is the beta 77 FRER test, 2nd is the test from today. Just wanted to post them both up for comparison.

So as you can see, a very slight lightening, but not much.
Not as much as there should be.

I also took wondfo tests. OPK is a little lighter, but the HPT is A LOT darker than it has been.
I trust the OPKs though since that is what they're designed for. Well, not to test HCG but to test how much LH is there.
I think the HPT was just one with a lot of dye.

I'm still worried that they're going to want to give me the shot though since my numbers probably won't be down that much. I dunno.. I think I'm just tired of waiting for my body to resolve itself, but then I don't want to get the shot b/c I don't want to miss a chance to try naturally either.
We'll just have to wait and see what happens and what they suggest.
No shot, yay we get to try naturally, with a shot, we'll have to wait however long they say to try naturally.
With the bills piling up and no idea how much the other blood tests are going to run, we're really tight on cash. Oh sure, we could keep charging the credit card, but we REALLY shouldn't.
So yeah... even if we get the go ahead to try in say.. Dec... it will probably be a few more months after that before we try again with meds.
It sucks having to make grown up decisions.... it really does suck.
But then I get to hope that hey, maybe we won't need meds any longer other than whatever may be wrong with me.

Bleeding has lightened up. Heavy spotting right now. Heavier than the spotting I had though. This very much looks like how my AFs go except not as long.

Oh and I've also been getting some aches on my right side. It was only late last night and early this morning. Nothing since. I think it was my actual ovary. Maybe the cysts/follicles causing it. At least that's what I'm hoping and not ectopic.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Ok so... yeah, this isn't good. By now, my tests should be almost negative if not negative already.
Just took a test and it is still VERY positive and looks to have darkened back up again.

Sigh, not good at all. :(
I'm totally going to have to get the methotrexate shot... I just know it unless some miracle happens by Thursday.

It's bad enough that I miscarry, but why this too. WTH????

Monday, October 17, 2011

Just going to say it is...

Might as well just call this another AF. Easier than trying to explain what else it could be.
I'm still testing positive though which is so damn frustrating!!! I just want it to end already!
Here are the tests from this morning FMU. They're that color b/c well... I'm bleeding so yeah...
But yeah, still obvious positive tests.
Just go away already damnit!!!!!

No exercise today like I wanted to start. I'm SO not exercising when I'm heavy bleeding. I wear pads so that is just a huge gross mess if I start to exercise and get sweaty with the pad shifting. Just no.
It will have to wait.

I dunno.. I'm feeling really alone right now and like I'm being left behind. It's like everyone is getting their BFPs, and while I am happy for them, I'm still sitting here hoping to finally have a BFN. It's awful and lonely.
And then I start thinking about SiL and how happy they must be and just UGH.... my heart aches.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


I think I may be getting AF again or well, AF has already appeared.
Woke up today and took a test with FMU. FMU was very dark w/ blood mixed in with it and it only got heavier throughout the day.
It hasn't turned in to an actual flow, but I am passing clots. And it certainly looks like AF when I use the bathroom.
Meh, whatever. Whatever my body has to do to get back to normal.
I'm just so tired of bleeding though.
If this is another AF, it shouldn't last nearly as long since my lining shouldn't be as thick as usual.
We'll see what happens within the next couple of days. If it remains like this then I'll say it's another AF, if it stops, then I'll say it was just my body finally flushing out what was left in there.

I did still test BFP this morning. OPK was still a + and there was a line on the hpt and not faint. Hopefully with this increase bleeding it means that things are spiralling down as it should.

I am still very sad about all of this, but my hopes are really up for the next BFP. Hopefully the next one will happen soon, but I dunno.. just for some reason I feel really good when I think about it.
Not sure if it's b/c maybe I'll have an answer and a fix by then or what.

Friday, October 14, 2011


It's a good thing I don't facebook b/c bitchface SiL has just joined it and friended me.
Took a look at what she has and yep... she just joined to show off her baby.
Baby is adorable but too bad it has to be part of HER.
Like I said though.... I don't go on anyway unless it's to confirm or decline something and that's it.

I can't go out to dinner tonight. I know everyone is going to be talking about the baby and I just can't deal with it right now.

Beta today

So went in this morning for a beta.
Just got a call back and beta is 77.
Bittersweet.... I'm glad that my body took care of it, but it's still sad to have lost yet another.
I'm still hopeful that we'll get our family eventually, but these losses just chip away at what hope is left.

Anyway.... I took some tests at around 10 this morning.
Bought some FRERs to use as well, but going to save the remaining 2 for whenever.
Surprised the wondfo HPTs aren't darker. Even when my hcg was at 288, they really weren't all that dark.
The OPKs seem to be very accurate though and def show a very obvious and easy to see progression.

And an FRER... it's pretty dang dark. Almost as dark as the control line, but not quite there.

Sigh.... I wish I could get a test that looks like that on 12dpo.... not when I'm miscarrying.

I go back in next Thursday for another beta. Hoping it will be 0 by then so I can go in Friday to get blood taken for the other tests they want to do.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I think my tests might be lighter.
Difficult to tell w/ the HPTs but I'm pretty sure the OPKs aren't as dark as they were before.
They're still blaring positives, but the test lines are only barely darker than the control now instead of being WAY darker. Hope that made sense.
The tests were taken with VERY good holds too.
I slept through the entire night so FMU was 7hrs and SMU was 3.5hrs.
I think if I had gone in Sunday for a beta, that would've been higher than monday. Just guessing obviously, but I remember Monday's tests looking not as dark.
Of course I'm just hoping that this is resolving itself.
We'll know for sure on Friday.
I just really do not want to get that damn shot.

I'll be ok having to wait so long as we get to still try, ya know?

Alrighty, gotta start getting ready. Have to pick up my neices from school today. They're getting off early for some reason. Think it's b/c the fair opened today and I guess letting kids out early is easier than a bunch skipping school? I dunno lol.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Just a small update

Took tests at around 5pm while I was fixing dinner.
OPK test line came up right away. The dye wasn't even finished going across the test before it was dark.
Could've been b/c there was a lot of blood in the urine that I used. HPT looks about the same I think.

I've been bleeding a bit more than usual ever since the u/s this afternoon. Not sure what that means.
Feels weird hoping once again that my body gets rid of this. It's so ass backwards to be wishing for that, but I am.

Just hope that we'll be able to at least try naturally until whenever. That's all I want. I know we're probably going to have to wait until next year no matter what happens, but to at least have the chance of conceiving naturally would be nice.

I guess this is my oppurtunity to lose more weight though. Actually focus on that instead of trying if I have to get the shot. Sigh..... this just better way to put it.

It's not bad enough that I've had 3 miscarriages.. oh no.... now my body has to one up that shit with this...... great :\

Well this sucks

So I had my RE appointment this afternoon.
Got sat down in the office, but then they came in and showed me to the u/s room.
Got undressed and the RE did my vag u/s.
First he looked at the uterus. Nothing but a thin lining there. Then he took a look at the right O, and it looks like there were a lot of follicles on it, some were decent size too.
Then over to the left. That big mystery blob thing is gone thankfully and left O looked I dunno... was difficult to tell.
He pressed in to that side looking for that mystery blob to make sure it wasn't there and it's aching now.

Afterwards, he basically told me that if my beta goes up, then they'll want to give me that shot b/c it's probably tubal.
He also mentioned D&C and said I would have to be knocked out for that. I go back in Friday to have another beta done and yeah... go from there.
He's going to be out of town most of next week so... it would be the shot.

At this point, I'm just really hoping that my body takes care of this. At least give us a shot naturally. If I have to get that shot done, then it's a definite forced break

Monday, October 10, 2011


So I left a message w/ RE last night before I went to bed.
Got a call back early this morning telling me that I needed to come in for a beta.
Went in, blahblahblah.
Just got a call back and it's not good news.
I thought my beta was going to be higher, but low.. like 30-40 low.
Nope... my beta came back at 288.
That's not good at all.
Afraid that it means that this could be ectopic. I haven't have any pain. MAYBE some mild cramping in my uterus area, but that has been it as far as I've noticed.
I go back in at 3:30 tomorrow to talk to the RE. I'm sure he'll tell me exactly that. I just hope he doesn't want me to do that one shot that will force us to wait however many months.
So yeah.... the saga continues apparently.

Here's what a 288 will show ya on a wondfo.
Yes the OPK is dark, but the HPT isn't THAT dark which is why I wasn't expecting such a high number.
These tests actually look lighter than yesterday's, but yesterday's urine was super duber concentrated. Nothing to drink all day long and went to the bathroom twice w/ nothing to drink. So yeah.... it was some REALLY dark pp.

Why the hell do I have to go through this???

Sunday, October 9, 2011


SiL gave birth today to a 5lb 15oz girl.
She's so adorable and so teeny tiny.
Everything was semi-ok until SiL opened her big fat mouth.

She gave birth, DH and I go in to her room. Inlaws are in there visiting blahblahblah.
I'm minding my own business and SiL informs me that we just need to adopt b/c labor is too painful.
Yeah, she fucking said that to me.
I was already on the verge of crying from seeing the baby (not in a googoo awwww, wook at the baby kind of cry, but a bitter sob), and then that comment......
I had to dig down deep to stay where I was and not leave and cry.

I just don't understand how anyone could be that ungrateful for the experience given to them. Sure, it's painful, but it's for the best thing ever. And then to say that to someone who you know is struggling to have a baby???? Sigh........

Anyway... the baby is really cute. It was surreal seeing a LO so tiny. I've never been around a newborn before. I saw my 2nd neice when she was really small, but not that "new".

And here are my afternoon tests.
Still spotting, tests still getting darker.
I'll leave a message for doc tonight probably.

Friday, October 7, 2011

cd9 blahblahblah

Yeah same thing except that my tests today are darker. Awesome :\
That's the afternoon test taken at about 2 and after only 4mins. It actually got darker before the time limit.
I also took a test this morning. Forgot to take a photo of it. The OPK test line was actually darker than the control. The HPT still looked light though.
I mean, I'm not too worried about it since I went through something sorta like this before, but it's still somewhat concerning.
I don't want to go through the pain I did before, that's for sure.
I'm still spotting which I'm going to take as a good sign that my body will do what it needs to do. It's frustrating though b/c I want sex!
It's just enough blood that I really don't want to do anything. BLEH!

So yeah.... hopefully my body will work itself out, but if not, then I'll call RE next week w/ this news and we'll go from there.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


This is def not a normal AF. I mean it was for the first 6-7 days, but I'm still spotting which is not normal.
I'm sure it has everything to do with still testing positive. If this doesn't resolve itself by the middle of next week, I'll call the RE.
For now I'm not too worried about it. Although I am still testing positive, it's not getting any darker as far as I can tell.
I think my body is slowly trying to flush out what is left.

Morning tests

Afternoon tests

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Yeah.... still testing positive.
AF is just about gone. Had 1 incident of spotting today when I used the bathroom.
I'm sure there will be a little more spotting before it goes away completely, and then I'll probably spot more whenever whatever is left in there passes.
Not really worried about the tests being darker since they were taken in the afternoon.

Really nothing going on. Just working on Halloween stuff right now. Was going to experiment with my makeup today, but I learned that cheapo 99cent eyeliner isn't so great to use lol. It was WAY too hard and about tore up my skin trying to put it on.
Going to have to find some better quality stuff.

After Halloween stuff is done, going to start working on the nursery mural again aalong with actually exercising.
I've been slacking this week wanting to go everywhere so haven't been doing it. I def will though, it just takes forever to get myself motivated again.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Equate, cd6

It's a light line, but you can see that it's very much there. *groan*
It came up within a minute and yeah, it's pretty visible.
Going to keep an eye on this with wondfo tests and just hope that whatever is left in there passes.
I just don't see how whatever this is is holding on and for so long. My beta was only an EIGHT. EIGHT!!! That should've been a 0 even before AF arrived fully and I'm on cd 6 right now!
Please, no comments on how this could be a miracle. I know it's not.
There are times to remain hopeful, but this is not one of those times.
I do appreciate any support though :)

Simple? What's that?

I hate my body!!!!!!!!!!

So first off, I did eventually exercise yesterday. Waited until DH got home, put dinner in the oven and did my thing. It wasn't much.
I did do a sprint, or at least tried to. I had to stop short b/c I started to feel like I was going to throw up on myself.
Afterwards I started to feel woozy and just not right for another 10 or so minutes. Scary.

Well anywho, last night I had some bad stomach issues. Probably the few pickled jalapeno slices I put on my salad.
After that issue finally passed, I started to feel this kind of cramping in the uterus area.
I thought it was strange but put it off to the stomach issue from earlier.
Fast forward this morning, I wake up thinking about it a little bit and decide to test.
I was going to start OPKs anyway and I have a ton of HPTs so why not.
Well..... OPK is almost a + and HPT is still showing a damn line!!!
Line in the HPT photo is a lot more obvious and easier to see IRL

Why can't this just be simple? Why does my body always have to do something to screw whatever up??
If you're going to m/c, then just frickin DO IT.
I'm on my damn period. It's heavy, there have been clots, it's not lighter than normal..... so WTH?
I only have 1 equate left. I'll take that later today. At least to see if it is showing something too. If not, then I'll hope the wondfo is just faulty.
I guess at least it hasn't gotten darker..... *shrugs*

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Ok, so I retract one rant

So remember when I ranted about those evil fertiles who always bragged about just knowing they were pregnant.

I have to take back that rant.
This last time... I don't know what it was b/c other than the boobs being sore, there was nothing else... still, I just had a gut feeling that I was, which is why I burst in to tears before the FRER even showed any results on it. I knew it was going to be a positive.
Obviously I didn't know it was going to end the way it did, but I still just... knew.
It's hard to describe b/c there just wasn't anything to point me to that conclusion.

I wish that happened every time. Just knowing instead of all the wondering, stressing and obsessing b/c I sure as hell didn't feel that any of the other times. All of the other times, I could've sworn up and down that I was out. *shrugs* It's just weird is all.

Now to get that BFP that actually wants to stick.

Exercising tomorrow. I want to get to hopefully 185. Would be awesome if I could this week, but yeah... only in my dreams lol.

I'm doing ok right now but I know that's going to change so quickly when SiL has her baby.