Saturday, July 30, 2011

Lazy day

Yep, that is what today is going to be. A nice lazy day. Going to read, or watch some movies. Just completely veg out and do absolutely nothing!

I did actually sleep really well last night which I'm SO thankful for, but I do not want to exercise today.
I did 15mins on the rowing machine yesterday and that was it.

Today.. honestly, I just don't want to do anything. Just sit around and relax.
Aaaaaah sounds good to me!

My right ovary has been aching these last 2 days. Today is a bit worse than yesterday, but I think that's only b/c I was favoring that side for most of the night.
Not sure what is going on in there but I hope it's not a cyst.
I dunno... it doesn't really feel like a cyst, at least not like I remember cysts feeling. Just feels achy whenever I lay on it.
I hope it's nothing, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't have me a little concerned.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Going to gorge myself

Yep, I am. Tonight. I am totally going to gorge on chocolate chip cookies and milk.
I've been craving it since seeing a character on Arrested Development eat some.
And I am not going to feel guilty about it AT ALL. I will eat that whole damn bag and have a huge crumb covered smile on my face after lol.

Weigh in today. Still at 194.
Kinda disappointing but not surprising considering that I've only just started to exercise again.
Have to give my body some time to start building muscle.
Next week I'm going to start exercising before lunch. Even if I am tired... I think that will help w/ the weight loss as well since hopefully my body will be using my own fat instead of whatever I ate for lunch.

194 isn't bad though. My weight for a while has been stuck at 197. Going up and down up and down, and this week, it has been pretty consistantly down. So I know I'm doing something right.

AF is almost gone FINALLY. Spotting still, but it should completely stop by tonight I hope lol.

I did finally get a good sleep last night. YAY! I still feel like I need more though, so hopefully it continues.
I keep forgetting to take my temp though. I remembered right after I got up to use the bathroom. heh
Oh well.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Aches and pains and all of that junk

Bad night sleep last night as well. I dunno what the hell is going on, but it's so frustrating! I just want to SLEEP!
Slow start today as well. Just woke up not feeling good at all. I wasn't sore or anything, just felt so fuzzy-headed b/c of the lack of good sleep.
Still feeling that way, but whatever.

I did exercise though. YAY :D

I did 25min on the treadmill.
Jump rope
wall pushups
attempted to do planks as well, but I have too much body weight support or something b/c it hurts my wrists.

I attempted to do a girly pushup on the ground. Could actually get down almost halfway lol. I know that's not great, but hopefully I'll be able to do a regular girly one soon :)

Feeling strange down in the ladybits today.
Achey and twinges and just kinda sore and weird.

That's about it.... still waiting for AF to finally leave. SIGH. Damn AF :P

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Punch, Kick, It's all in the mind!

10 points if you knew where the title was from lol.

So today started off, meh.
Still didn't sleep well last night. I had a couple of awful nightmares as well. Only remember one of them and that's bad enough.
Just some weird lab experiment Resident Evil mutant zombie things that didn't want to die lol.

Anywho, I had to run a few errands this morning. So pretty much got out of bed, took a shower and I was off.
Came back home, ate lunch, let it settle, then I exercised :)
YAY! heh

Lets see... I did 15min on the treadmill.
18min on the eliptical
Around 25 squats
Attempted to do proper jackknife pushups, but pfft, those are TOUGH lol
15 wall pushups
Some punching and jumping around.
Mostly did the punching to work out the midsection.
Jumping meh, just b/c I felt like it heh.

And yep, feel good. Hoping I won't be sore tomorrow. I did stretch some after I was done, so I hope that helps.

In other news. I bought some B-complex tablets. Hoping it will help lengthen my luteal phase naturally.
I don't have many progesterone sups left. If I do ovulate again, I'm either just not going to take them or take only one a day. I could always call in a refill but I'm not sure how much it would be.
We'll see what happens.
I'm also going to be starting OPKs around cd12. These past 2 times, it looks like I ovulated around cd21. Hoping it happens sooner. If not that's ok too, just so long as it does happen again :D

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Stupid celebrity

Ok, so I enjoy watching paranormal tv shows. Such as Ghost Hunters, My Ghost Story, etc.
Well, I'm currently watching Celebrity Ghost Stories.
One of them had the girl from Growing Pains on there. The older daughter.
She starts telling her story and how her and her husband keep seeing a bright white image of a little boy.
One day, she tells her husband that they NEED to have another baby RIGHT NOW.
Guess what... bitch finds out she's pregnant frickin 2 weeks later (her tww).
And she thinks what they were seeing was the spirit of their unborn child, blahblah, STFU.

MAN I wish it was that easy for all of us.

"Hey hun... we need to have a baby right now!"
*xrated fun & two weeks later*

sigh..... if only.....

Sore and sleepy!

Bad combination!
No exercise today. I figured I'd probably end up sore.
Thankfully it's not that bad so I should be able to pick it back up tomorrow.
I don't think I'd even be this sore if I had slept well, but I slept like complete crap last night.
Just tossing and turning, having to get up to use the bathroom, etc. Just a bad night.
I slept in this morning if you want to call it that.
I could've probably have stayed in bed until noon trying to catch up on some sleep.

I haven't been napping, but feels like I'm going to today. Going to try not to so hopefully my sleep tonight will be great.

Monday, July 25, 2011

DH got a call

For some reason the RE calls DH's cell and not our home phone. Sigh, whatever.
Anywho, both of our chromosome tests came back NORMAL! WOOOO!
MAN that is a relief!! We certainly did not need something else to make this harder!

We pretty much have to call them back with whatever we want to do.
Damn.... too bad he couldn't hve called like 2 days ago. This could've been a medicated cycle! BOOOOO
Means that we have to wait ANOTHER MONTH! BLEH!
That's IF I ovulate again. If I don't it means another 40 days!!!! BLEEEEEEEH
Either way, we're not going to be trying with meds again until September!
Good lord that seems like such a long time to wait!! What a shitty B-day present that would be to me.

Anyway, hopefully I will ovulate on my own again and we'll catch a nice sticky egg this time!


It took a while to actually get my ass up to do something, BUT I DID! YAY! lol
I was going to do something before I ate lunch (which I'm going to do from now on hopefully), but I swear, I kept distracting myself with other things just to delay it a little longer.

I ate some lunch and just said I'd do it at 1. Would give my lunch a little bit to settle and just do it.
1 came around and boy, I was not moving quickly to get started! rofl. I did it though.

Walked on the treadmill for about 30mins. Jogged twice for about 40sec each time. I couldn't do any longer than that. Boy am I out of shape!!

After my walk on the treadmill, I did about 30 squats. Those really got my thighs burning and legs wobbling rofl. I had to stop b/c it started to make me feel nauseous.
I also did some wall push-ups along with these push up things on a tv stand. I'm not sure what they're called.
Lemme see if I can find the vid on youtube *runs off.... well.. sorta*

-Few mins later-
Here we go. It's called an incline jackknife press

I don't think I did it quite correctly lol. I'll have to practice it.

Exercising felt good once I actually got started and it feels good now, just knowing that I did something and cooling off afterwards.
But I know I'm still going to struggle actually getting started.

Now, go away!

AF that is.
BLEH! Still have at least 3 more days of it though.
My right ovary is really sore for some reason.
Ah the mysteries of my body... how there are many.

So since it's a bit of a lull right now waiting for things to happen or not. Might as well chat about losing weight since that's another big issue here.
I just took my measurements and everything looks great :D
Last time I took measurements was back in March, so things could be a lot better if I had bothered to exercise any. I am starting today. I already have my exercise stuff on. Just trying to drink some liquids and wake up a bit more before I start.

Ok so measurements. First and in green will be from March, 2nd in red is from today.

Bust:    42.25 - 41
Underbust:    37.5 - 37
Top Stomach (above waist):    39.5 - 38.5
Waist:    38 - 36.75
Pooch (below waist):    43.5 - 41.25
Hips:    43.25 - 42.25
R Thigh:    26 - 24.5
L Thigh:    26.5 - 24.25
R Upper Arm:    17 - 15.75
L Upper Arm:    16.5 - 15

Total:      330 - 316.25

Not too shabby for just changing my diet.
But yeah, I know it could've been A LOT better by now if I would just exercise. It's just SO difficult doing something that you REALLY don't want to do though lol.
I MUST start though. It's just not going to happen if I rely on motivation to do it. I just have to start it for myself and for DH.
I know he hasn't been doing anything either b/c I haven't. I know if I start back up, he will as well.
Already told him that we are exercising today. No excuses!

Our eating has been better, but I'm struggling w/ snacking right now. I've boiled up some eggs for snacks so I'm sure that will help. I know I'm so snacky b/c of 1: AF, and 2: b/c my body had gotten used to the carbs and sugar for fuel again.
Gotta get it back in to burning fat for it's fuel and hopefully back to not feeling hungry.

Alrighty, have to do a few things before I start working out. I'll be back afterwards to share how it went and what I did. It's not gonna be much, but it's gonna be something!

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Ok, just one bitch today.... hopefully.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this, but I have to say it.

Just read a thread where someone has gotten their BFP w/ #2.
They're obviously happy of course... and then they say this
Praise God! He answers prayers!
Now I am not religious and have no problem if others are.
But that comment just irked the every living shit out of me.
I'm not going to get in to why, just that... I dunno... that really upset me. I guess HER prayers were just better than everyone elses.
I'm not upset with this particular person at all, just that certain comment just felt so wrong to me.
I understand wanting to praise God when something wonderful happens, but what about the women still struggling.
Are their prayers just not as good? Is their faith not as strong? Why are they still waiting?

I dunno.... this is why I'm not religious. lol
I'm not saying there isn't a God, and I don't want to get in to a big discussion over this or anything.... I just felt the need to just say something.


So, AF finally did start showing up yesterday afternoon. Oh and she showed up PISSED.
Awful bloating. I mean just AWFUL.
I'm really not sure what to categorize it. Cramps? Eh.. maybe? I dunno if I'm really cramping or not b/c there aren't any obvious cramps.
So yeah, I'll just call it really bad bloating.
It was SO bad yesterday it moved to my back and gave me that constant feeling like I REALLY had to poop even though I didn't. That is not a pleasant feeling b/c it doesn't go away.
I'm sure I could've taken ibuprofin for it, but with the possibility of ovulating again on my own, I don't want to screw any potential ovulation up lol.
So i'll suffer these few days.

I just need something to do now. Think I'm going to try to jazz up my blog some. I know I've said that before and well, nothing ever happened lol.
Just tired of the blindingly bright pink baby thing in the background there.
Damnit, I'm an artist! I should be able to come up with something!..... maybe! :P lol

I have other art projects I want to do as well.
I'm totally not going to do the Halloween thing. After actually working with foam... it SUCKS and honestly I don't want to do it rofl.
It's just such a pain in the ass, makes a HUGE mess and I just suck at it.
I dunno, I may finish the head I was working on, but that's it.

Have to find something to do to preoccupy my time.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Any day now....

Ok so apparently I overestimated my uterus's desire to expel my lining :P lol
Nothing yet. Just there when I use the bathroom and not really a lot. Just peachy color right now.
I'm sure it will start, just wish it would've started sooner! UGH.

Oh and it was just DH and I for dinner thank goodness!!!
Preggo SiL was in the hospital (as usual b/c she needs an IV and blahblah I don't give a shit)...
So we went out without them.
Oh I'm sure we'll be going out with the family some time this weekend. UGH.

Anywho, over dinner, I asked DH what he wanted to do TTC/medication.
Of course HE wants to wait until NEXT FRICKIN YEAR to try with meds. I swear, just when I think he gets this whole PCOS thing... he says something stupid like that.
He knows that's just not going to fly with me though b/c well.. I told him so rofl.
There is just no way in hell I'm going to wait that long.
I know his reasons are good ones. We could be healthier by then, we could have more money saved up (yeah right), but just no way. HELL NO. I am NOT waiting that long to try again with meds.
Hell it's probably going to be September before we actually do get to try again!

Not gonna waste time

AF could start tonight.
I'm not officially spotting yet, but I checked up ther an there's already blood. It's only brown but it's there.
I've been feeling wet since this morning and that's a def sign of AF for me.
Kind bummed b/c was hoping to get in some xrated action before it started. Progest sups just suck the libido right out of you UGH.
Oh well.. looks like I'm going to have to wait a week. SIGH
That's fine... just get this show on the road already!

Got in my box of 100 ICs heh. At least I have plenty for next cycle! YAY :D
Not sure if I'm going to have enough ICs though. Since I don't know when I could ovulate (if I even do), going to have to start using them kinda early.
We'll see. These ICs didn't take that long to get here, so I'll order more if it looks like I'll run out before I get a surge (if I do).

UGH..... Friday again! Yay for the weekend, but BOO for these damn family outtings!!!

EDIT: Went to the bathroom and wiped away AFish looking blood. A good bit, but not a whole lot yet. Yeah, AF is going to arrive tonight for sure.


No, still BFN. I just wanted to take one just to be sure.
Went out and bought another pack and took one when I got home.
It had the line thing going on like the other tests. Damn things. Least they're not as bad as Answer though.

So yep, now the wait is on. Hopefully I'll start spotting tonight and AF will arrive tomorrow.

I'm done

I just can't put any more energy in to this cycle any longer.
My temp dropped to 98.37 today.
That is still well above my coverline, but it's low enough for me to tell me that there's no bean in there.
BFN this morning as well. Lord am I tired of seeing those lol.
I'm just done and tired and just want to move on.

Not going to bother with my progesterone any longer. Let AF show up whenever.
Hell, the progest dragged this out until 14dpo. That's damn impressive. I'm sure it could have gone longer as well if I were willing... which I'm not.

If I had even an inkling of pregnancy symptoms, other than what I already have, I'd probably still stick this out for at least another day, but I don't have any.
My biggest indicator that there's nothing there? My nipples. They're still the same color as they always are and haven't gotten any larger.
I've done the trigger shot enough to know how my body is going to react to HCG and my nipples getting darker and larger is a sign.

So yeah....... onwards to a new cycle. Hopefully another natural cycle... a success this time so we won't have to do injections again.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Back to bitching

Ok so remember the other post where I complained about the unhelpful posts that women just insist on doing.
I'm looking up 13dpo BFN then BFP.
All of the questions are from women trying to hold on to some hope that maybe they're not out and looking for others who have gotten a BFP even after getting a BFN at 13-14dpo.

And what do I come across? Multiple responses like this one
I got VERY faint lines at 10dpo (I thought my mind was playing tricks on me) and a definite line at 11dpo. I confirmed with a positive digital this morning at 13dpo.
Really bitch? How is THAT supposed to make them feel better?? You got your BFP 3 days before this woman is asking, and you thought you'd share this little nugget of information b/c it's helpful? WTF?

This one is even worse!!

This is the question that was asked.
 Anyone have a BFN 14 DPO, then get BFP later??
 And THIS is an actual response
 No, but my BFP didn't come until DPO 12.....after negatives 8, 9, 10 and 11.
WTF???  How is that shit helping anyone except for making YOU feel better and the poor woman asking the question feel like shit? UUUUUUGH

On a different note

A bit offtopic.
I'm so excited!! I got a peach pit (seed) to grow!!! YAY!
DH was eating a peach and the pit was split and the little seed inside looked like it was already trying to sprout. So I filled a pot w/ some soil and planted it.
It's been about a week and nothing until today :D

So excited! I still want to buy a peach tree though just in case this one doesn't make it.

Also, DH's uncle and aunt gave everyone plants for something (can't remember what). I picked a bellpepper plant. Been too lazy to plant it outside, but apparently that doesn't matter b/c it's growing a cute little pepper on it now!
It's SO cute!

Sigh.... not bragging, but it seems like I can grow anything... except for a baby

Should just throw in the towel

.13dpo.... there should be something by now.

Anyway, here are the afternoon tests.
OPK and a tweaked HPT

OPK looks lighter than yesterday's

HPT actually looked like it may have something there. Another shadow/antibody line more than likely.
Tried tweaking it to get it to show up

It's super super super faint so pffft....

I should probably give up on this cycle already, but I dunno.. I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe b/c it was the first natural cycle that we really had a chance. Last cycle was natural as well, but I wasn't expecting to ovulate so didn't do anything.
I just had my hopes up SO high for this time. Just don't like to throw that all away, ya know?

Oh well, going to have to give up sooner or later. I'll wait until Saturday or Sunday. If no AF by then and no BFP, then I'll stop the progesterone and let this end. Get my hopes up for the next cycle and hope that I ovulate again.


So, here I am. 13dpo and no closer to any answers it seems.

The spotting last night really never amounted to anything. When I put in the 2nd progest, there wasn't a lot of blood up there and it looked pretty orange or peach colored. Nothing fresh.
That's not to say that it can't turn in to the bright red stuff though.

My temp was still up this morning. Not really sure what's going on there. I hope it's not just the progest alone keeping it up, but meh... it probably is.

Test this morning has a shadow line. That's not really saying much though since I've been getting those since I started testing lol.
Here are photos anyway. First is original within time limit. 2nd is tweaked and well after the time limit to hopefully show what I saw.
Total BFN imo.

I'll give this a couple more days if nothing else occurs that says that AF wants to start.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


So, I'm having some spotting.
It's not bright red, but it's not old brown either.
It's what I usually get before AF shows up. That kind of salmon color.

I think it's over, but I'm going to take the progest tonight and probably tomorrow morning depending on what my temp does.

EDIT: Def feels like AF wants to start.
Getting mild pulling cramps and my lower back is starting to ache. Almost like I have to poop REALLY bad feeling.
Oh well... sigh.
I guess if this is AF wanting to show, I can just keep my FX that I'll continue to ovulate on my own... preferably sooner rather than cd20something :P lol


Alrighty.... so I'm on the progesterone suppositories. I know they raise your BBT.
BUT will it keep it raised as much as it has been even if I'm not pregnant?
In past cycles, even on my chemical ones... my BBT always dropped even while taking the sups. It would delay AF, but my BBT would still have dropped indicated that it was probably just the sups keeping the bbt slightly elevated.

I ask b/c I don't want to be sitting here at 16+ DPO still wondering if I am pregnant (when I'm not) just b/c my temp is high from the progest sups.

Make sense?


Ok a quick rant....

So I'm looking up stories of women that had BFNs at 12dpo but still ended up getting a BFP later.
A lot of women out there just like myself trying to keep hope alive and a lot of women sharing their own stories trying to help.

You know what doesn't help? The ones that come in and say things like

"I didn't even test until 14dpo, and I got a dark BFP!"

Uhm... ok... good for you, but that's NOT helping the woman who asked if anyone has tested BFN then gotten a BFP later.

Then you have the ones that just want to brag..

"I got my BFP at 12dpo. Good luck!"

Really bitch? Just b/c you add in a good luck there doesn't mean you're being supportive! You basically just rubbed your good fortune all up in someone's face.

And it's ALWAYS like this too. Now there are more helpful than annoying posts but still... UGH.

BAM, look at that tweak!

MUAHAHA. Sorry proud of myself that I finally managed a half way decent tweak! rofl.
Just had to crank that contrast up up up and up some more and finally got something faint to show.

I'm about 95% sure that it's an indent (still 100% positive it's BFN)....
It dried up just like an indent would, but it doesn't look like an indent if that makes sense. I think it's just a really really really shallow and thin one so it's difficult to see.

12DPO Afternoon tests

BF......... Negative.

I took my last FRER for the hell of it.
Wasn't sure if the OPK was darker since I haven't really been keeping track and figured, WTH.

FRER could have something super super super faint there, but I dont think it has color. 100% think it's BFN.
But just for obsession sake.. I'm waiting to see how it dries lol.
Not going to buy any more to be tempted by unless I get something on an IC. Like an obvious something not these stank shadow lines.

Here's a photo of the OPK just for future comparisons.

Been trying to look up as many late BFPs as I can. I mean I know I'm not technically in the "late" category since I'm only 12dpo, but it sure as hell feels like it.
Bombarded from all sides by 8-10dpo BFPs... those sure as hell make 12 DPO feel like it's a world away.

Haven't talked about diet in a while.
Weighed myself this morning and came in at 195. Could go back up so just going to wait until Friday.
Diet has been ok. DH is really struggling to get back on this, but we don't have anymore bad food in the house so it should be easier for him now. He's SO easily tempted by bad food, which I totally get.
I know he's looking forward to losing weight again as am I.


BFN this morning.
Tired of saying that! lol
Think after I take a shower, gonna go out and buy more FRERs.
Should just get Answers, but no... I vowed never to buy those tests again! lol

My temp was at 98.63 so that's still high. It's been staying pretty steady in the 98.6 range for the past 4 days (including this one).
Not sure what that means but at least it didn't drop which gives me at least a little bit of hope.

I haven't had any spotting either which will usually happen even on progest so yeah *knocks on wood*... lets hope it stays like that.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Darn these addictive tests!!

Darn them and their little pink handles and their ambiguous results!!
Just took another test, and I swear, there's a faint something.
Could just be another shadow line though which makes this all even more frustrating! lol
It came up within 2-3mins, but it's SO SO SO faint like every other test that had a shadow line on it. SIGH!

Tried getting a photo, but that's like trying to pull an elephant through a pinhole... just not gonna happen.
I think it's just another shadow line.
Did boost my hope up some, but that didn't last very long.....

11dpo afternoon test

Big Fat Nothing.
Took an IC too, hoping that maybe it would be darker, but nope... it's just the same light line on it.
The HPT looks like it may have a shadow line... a super duper faint shadow line, but I honestly think it's just my eyes playing tricks on me.
I'm watching it dry right now, and it looks like something is there.
I'm SO SO SO tempted to use my last FRER but I'm not going to! I must resist!!!!
If my OPK had been darker, I probably would have, but since it's light, then nope. I'm waiting.

Still can't help but feel like I'm out.
Not sure if I'd start spotting today or not since I'm on the progest. I hope I don't.
Hope it delays things at least until I can get to 14dpo.


Ever have that feeling like EVERYONE is getting pregnant except for you?
I frickin swear, both forums that I go to.. there are SO many women getting their BFPs this month!!
Yay for them, but gawd damn does that make me feel even shittier!!
And yes, the "surprise" ones just piss me off!

Sigh.... when is it going to be my F-ing turn already??


Symptoms are playing tricks on me.
Boobs are getting more sore now. Still just to the touch, but not as sore as they were before. Boobs don't feel as full either.

Forgot to mention, I had weird pain last night and early this morning.
That kind of shooting ache that started in low uterus, and radiated towards vag.
This morning when it happened, it was when I was using the bathroom (#1). Whenever I pushed to pee, it would kind of cramp.

Nothing since then.

I ordered more HPTs... 100 more to be exact :P lol
That should last me 1 cycle :P hehe

11 DPO

And BFN.

And I'm pretty sure a lot of my symptoms are disappearing as well.
Still getting odd dreams, but they're not as apparent, and my boobs aren't as sore any longer. I know they were probably only caused by the progesterone, but still... it's discouraging.

I am still getting hot flashes and getting some twinges and things down in my ovaries.
My right one is mildly sore constantly it seems and my left one is twinging every one in a while.

My temp was still up this morning, but I didn't sleep well at all and just hope that's not the reason why the temp was high.

Really nothing to report on right now. Just waiting waiting waiting and hoping for something.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Still getting

Those weird ladybits aches.
Not really sure how to describe them.
It reminds me of my last m/c. That radiating feeling, but not as bad.
It's def starting in the uterus, and the feeling sort of radiates down towards the vag.

Pretty sure it's not bowel this time b/c I've already had 2 normal bms today.

Sigh.... just have to see what my temp does.
If it goes down tomorrow then I'm more than likely out.
I'll remain on the progest for a few more days to see what my temp does and if it goes down and stays down, I'll stop it.

Afternoon test

BFN. I think my eyes are playing tricks on me.
I don't think there's anything on the test, not even a shadow line, but my eyes still want to see something.

Ok, feeling out now.

Yes 10dpo, early, blahblahblah.... but come on. Those of you out there that start to test early. Honestly, don't you feel out when you get BFNs at 9 and 10dpo?
We see so many women on the various forums and such that we go to get their early BFPs or talk about getting something early. And then when nothing shows for us.... we get depressed.

I know I could easily just put the tests away and wait, but PFFFFFFT whatever.
I'd rather test now. Get myself prepared for the worst to occur than sitting here and waiting and wondering. Getting my hopes up and up only to have them dashed at the last moment. No thank you.
I know most women are totally fine with that scenerio but not I.

So yep.. here I sit, feeling like it's over already.
I guess I could start hoping that I'll ovulate again next month.
Going to have to talk to DH and see what he wants to do with TTC with meds and whatnot.

10dpo and...

BFNs so far. Boooooo
Took a test early this am at 5:40. One had a shadow line, so took another and nothing.

Went back to sleep.... woke up at 9. Took another test. Whadyaknow... another shadow line. Took another test, and the 2nd actually had a 2nd line too, except that it's too close to the control.

So yeah, pretty confident I'm just having bad luck with these tests right now.
I also took an opk, but it's very negative.

Symptoms are pretty much the same.

Bewby tenderness varies. Sometimes it's more sore than others.
Still having weird dreams.
Still getting hot flashes.
I had bad nausea last night along with burping up vomit/food. It was when I was trying to get to sleep. I couldn't lay on my side or stomach without the nausea getting worse. I actually gagged once. BLEH.

Erm, I think that's about it.

My temp went up just a little today. 98.6 to 98.67. Not a huge different or anything, but just so SO glad it didn't go down.
I was terrified that I'd wake up to my temp down in the 97's. I'm still scared that that is going to happen.

I'm having such conflicting emotions right now.
The hopeful side of me really feels like this is it.
But then the other side feels like I'm already out and that my symptoms are fading, and blahblahblah. SIGH

Sunday, July 17, 2011

In other non-moody news

I was talking to DH about dinner. He leans over and grabs my boob and his eyes get huge.
He looks at the boob (I'm wearing a shirt and a bra, fyi....) and asks what I've been doing b/c my boob feels bigger. lol
I dunno.. they don't really feel any bigger to me, but meh.

Also while sitting there, I started to feel a tiny ache almost like a slight burning sensation in the uterus area, more towards the left.

Couldn't just been nothing, but FX that it was a little bitty something!

Attention whoring

SiL is a master at it.. lemme tell ya.
We didn't go out with family this Friday b/c they had something to do.
So we went out to lunch with them.
SiL showed up 20mins late even though she lives 5mins away from the place.
As soon as she sees us, she puts on her attention whore face and hams it up as much as she can.

She's still sick in her pregnancy (HA), and just milks it for all it's worth.
Her husband eats that shit up. She has him wrapped around her bitch fingers. Seriously, she snaps, and he does whatever she wants.
Anyway, she sits down and puts on the most pathetic FAKE sick look and starts to pout. Yes.. POUT.
Her family is used to her shit, so she starts to lean all over her husband, practically laying on him. When she thinks she can get attention from her family, she starts to lean on her father. He ignores her though, so she goes back to leaning on her DH.
She then kept trying to do different thing to get attention. Such as pretending to fall asleep sitting up. Looking even more pathetic with the pout and leaning on anyone that got near.

She finally realized at the end of the meal that no one gave a rats ass and instantly... not gradually, not subtly... no.. I mean like someone just turned a light switch on, instantly became chatty and perky and laughing.

Such a crock of shit.
Her family, minus DH, sees her all the time so they've become masters at ignoring her dumbass.

And phew...... ok that ends my bitching for the day.

Well.... other than these stupid tests not giving me a BFP already! Grrrr lol

Noon test

Still BFN I think.
Looks like there's a faint shadow line, but pfft, who am I kidding... total BFN.

Letting the bitch out for a second here.

I am so sick and tired of seeing BFPs. Right now. I swear, everyone and their damn mother are getting BFPs this month.
I especially can't stand the "Surprise!" ones. The ones where the woman has to brag that "We weren't even trying!" Oh STFU you lucky ass bitch.

Super thin

FRER dried and yep.... it's a super super thin barely there indent.
Difficult to see unless you put the test against a colored background.

This is how pathetic I am...

I went back to sleep.
Woke up about an hour and a half later.
Had to pee.
Figured, ok I'll just take another test. No biggie.
Took an IC... saw something come up on it within about 2-3min.
That POASaholic brain starts pumping and I go and grab a FRER and dip that sucker in the remaining pee.
BFNs both of them.
The IC does look like a super faint shadow line appeared once again, but nothing more than that.
The FRER was stark white. I did take it apart and it looks like there's something really faint on it, but I think it's just a really slight indent. Hope it dries darker so I can see what it is.

Ok, no more using the good tests unless an obviously there line appears on multiple ICs!!


No 9dpo BFP for me. At least not with FMU.
Oh well. I was hoping for it, but hope isn't gonna make a 2nd line pop up.

My temp dropped just a little this morning as well. It's still well above coverline though.
Yesterday it was 98.77, today is 98.6.
Concerned that my temp may drop even more in the coming days. Sigh, I hope not.

FX for something to show up this afternoon I guess.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Before I head to bed

I am really getting my hopes up here.
I don't want to, not with all of the failures, but I can't help it.

Dinner made me nauseous tonight. We went to a Mexican restaraunt. Really good food. Not greasy at all, but nausea kept coming and going all throughout and right now I'm feeling nauseous again.
I hope with everything that is me, that it's a little bean in there causing it and not just the progesterone wreaking havok.

Come on BFP. Would love something to pop up tomorrow, but I'll settle for 10dpo as well ;) hehe

Going to make myself cry...

Just torturing myself. Don't mind me.

I have a habit of looking up my due date over and over and over again. Not sure why since it doesn't change at all lol.
Anyway... looking at the rest of the time line and it's just making me sad.

For instance... We could be announcing our pregnancy on my birthday. I'd be almost in to the 2nd tri by then.

Fast forward.... DH's birthday... we could be finding out the gender. How awesome would that be... and just a few days before SiL gave birth (if she actually delivered on her DD). That sure would make dealing with HER a bit easier as well. Good god, I don't even want to think what kind of nightmare she's going to be during her labor.
Think her whining and need for attention is bad now..... UUUUUUGH.

Anyway... yeah.. how awesome would that be? Being able to have 2 momentous occurrences happen on both of our birthdays. I don't really care about my own, but I would SO love to be able to make it to DH's. Give him a wonderful gift of finding out if we're having a Daddy's little girl or boy.

And then the sadness kicks in b/c hell... what are the chances that we're even pregnant, and then the chances of it being sticky if I am? Sigh......

Oh yeah... the craziness has started.....

8dpo noon tests

Still BFN but pissing me off.
WTH is up with these indents?
And really? Why do they always seem to be RIGHT where the 2nd line should pop up, so your eyes just keep going back to that area over and over again thinking that you may see something? It's such a frickin tease!

Anyway, the one on the bottom is the 2nd one I opened. I'm seeing a super super faint line on it to the right of the indent irl, but I'm sure it's just another shadow bfn line. I'll try to get a photo of it if it darkens enough for the camera.

Ok NOW the negative Nelly is starting to creep in. 8dpo and I'm already feeling out. SIGH, how sad.


So tests this morning are BFN.
I took one at 5:30, and then 2 at 9.
The one at 5:30 had a very fain shadow line. I know it's not BFP... just a faulty one.
Tests at 9, one had an indent right where the 2nd line should be, so I took another.
Both BFNs.
Meh.... I'm only 8dpo. Not really a shocker that I'm testing BFN lol.
Although I will say... I was kind of expecting something to have showed up. I think it's just that my hopes are high, but I dunno.. it just felt like something should've shown. *shrugs* I'm sure I'll end up with another failed cycle under my belt.

I haven't completely lost hope.. not yet at least. I'm still in positive mode right now :P

I think if this is a failed cycle, my temp should probably drop tomorrow... maybe. We'll see.
My temps have been pretty damn high though. Just keep going up and up and up.
I think I'll know this is a failed cycle if I start feeling cool again. Right now I'm hot all the time :P

Symptoms... boobs are slightly more sore today. Was noticably more tender when I took my bra off last night. They're ok right now, just tender to the touch. This is my only big symptom. It's the only thing that can't really be explained away by something else.
Still having funky dreams.
Was nauseated during bed last night, but pretty sure that's b/c of greasy dinner.

Will test again later. FX for something!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Must've been faulty

Took 2 more hpts. One of them had a small indent about where the 2nd line should be so wanted to use another since I know that would keep drawing my eye to that area.
Both tests look BFN.

Well honestly, I can see something, but it's not like the test from earlier. I think I'm just SO used to seeing where the 2nd line should be, I can make out where it is even if there's no color whatsoever. Hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound crazy lol.

It's all good though. I'm only 7dpo so still a lot of time to get a BFP. Wish it was 7 more days like a normal TWW, but whatever. Gotta take what is given right?


It has begun! The craziness! Well... it started a couple days ago, but meh :P

Test this morning is interesting. It had a super super super faint line show up within the time limit. I mean extremely almost can't see it faint.
I don't think it's an early BFP though. Think it's just where the 2nd line should be showing up.
Tried everything I could to get it to show in a photo, but it's not gonna happen.
It's dried now, and it dried just slightly darker, but it's still WAY too light for our camera to pick up.

Oh well... maybe an afternoon test will show something too.. and be darker :D

How crazy would that be though. I'm only 7dpo! That egg would've had to have flown through my tube lol.
Sigh, I shouldn't get my hopes up but I am, can't help it.

I'll be back later with the afternoon test.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


In the wrong spot... boo lol.
It's not even really an evap, just a really really really faint nothing. Not sure what's up with the test. Could've sworn I actually saw 3 lines on the test.
Meh. Going to call it faulty.
Tried to get a photo of it and tweak it so you could see.

And then saturated and marked where the funky line is. It's way too close to the control line. I also saw a 3rd line on the far left, but that one didn't show up in the photo... hell.. the one I marked barely did :P lol

I'm only 6dpo so yeah... not too worried about BFNs just yet ;) hehe I'll worry about that once I'm 9dpo and so on.

Frequent peeing has stopped thankfully. Was actually able to hold it for about 3 hours before I took the noon test.
Must've been the lemon from last night.

Having some sharpish right O twinges. Nothing bad, but noticeable.

EDIT: The test does have 3 lines on it! As it's starting to dry, you can see them a little better. Will try to get a photo of it if they come up better.

EDIT2: Alrighty here's the test dried. Lines didn't show up as well as I hoped they would, but oh well. Made the photo smaller here b/c I think that makes it easier to see faint lines. I'm sure it would be the same for the other 2 I just posted but meh...


So took a test with VERY diluted pee.
I swear I see something, but I'm fairly confident that it's just where the 2nd line is supposed to show instead of there being an actual line there, if that makes sense.
So yeah... BFN this morning.

I've been peeing like crazy since 4am this morning. I'm surprised I'm not dying of dehydration here b/c I've been having to go every hour.
Was trying to figure out why, and I think I've solved it.
I had a lemon drop slushie yesterday. Yes, I had an awful sugary delicious slushie and it was goooood lol.
They put half a lemon in each of them and I sucked on it for a bit along w/ DH's. That probably sounded very pervy, but oh well lol.
Lemons make you pee, so yeah... here I am peeing like crazy.

Thankfully I still slept ok though.

Talked with DH last night when he finally got home.
We'll be starting back on a strict paleo diet next week. Well, everything except for salad dressing. Vinegarettes are just so tiring after a while. Figured if we're ok with everything else, then some salad dressing isn't going to be a problem.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Random vacation photos goodness

Not going to be in order of when we went to these places lol.

And no, unfortunatly, you're not going to see my lovely face in any of them :P lol

Kinda had an obsession with them after this little fella went in to a Busch Gardens trashcan and started to munch on a french fry at first, and then a cheese stick after.

This little squirrel was in D.C. The squirrels there are definitely used to people. This one was trying to sneak up on the backpack that was laying on the ground. They had a trail mix in there and decided to share a few of the nuts with the local squirrels.

We love the show Man vs Food, and he ended up going to this place called Chick & Ruths in Maryland. It took forever to get to this place and forever to find a damn parking spot. It's a cruising area (where people like to drive through slowly), has a lot of bars and such and ugh... it was just a pain.
Anyway. At this deli... they have a 6lb milkshake and DH was determined to get it. He had pissed me off by the time we got there, so I didn't have any of it.
Him along with his friend and son finished it off though.
They combined chery vanilla, mint chocolate chip, and some other flavor I can't remember... maybe chocolate.
And FYI.... the place was expensive, but the crab cakes here were AWESOME. Almost all crab with very little filler.

Few beachy photos....
Morning stroll on the beach. It was really smoky for a couple of days though for some reason. *shrugs*

Love looking at the things washed up on the morning shore. Was shocked to see part of a squid!

And other misc dead sea creatures. A few jellyfish. Not as many as I thought there would be (probably b/c we got out there a little late). Touched one with my shoe and was surprised that it was hard. Guess I was expecting more of a soft jello consistancy.

We also went to Medieval Times while we were at the beach for friend's children. It was fun.

We were on the evil Green Knights team. Here's the Blue Knight though that DH and his friend kept calling Orlando (as in Orlando Bloom)..... sigh...

There's also this place called Barefoot Landing at the beach. It's basically just a bunch of shops on a manmade? pond lake thing. Was hot as hell that day.
Anywho... look... it's the Back to the Future car!

We bought fudge and some nifty candles while there.
My candle is the one with the ladybug. DH picked out the jack-o-lantern one. I was going to get that one but decided to go more girly heh.
Think DH wants to give the jack-o-lantern candle to his uncle for his birthday.

And yeah... that's it. Not gonna bother posting too many of Washington. Just wasn't all that interesting.

In that spot

... where it's too soon to test, but I want to anyway (and I did :P)
Yep. I took a test this afternoon and I am not ashamed of it! lol

It's obviously BFN, but it was nice to pee on something again. Ah.... it's a good fix until next time.... ;) lol

No temp this morning. Woke up at 12:40 last night which is an hour before I take my temp. Was going to just take my temp, but my stomach was not having it.
Had a seriously bad stomach ache that wasn't going to wait for me to temp lol.
Finally got back to sleep. Was hoping to wake up around 3 or 4 to temp then, but woke up at 2 and just said screw it. One temp missing isn't a bit deal right now.

Alright.... about to edit some vacation photos finally!! Yes it's late but... yeah......... *cough*

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

So far so good

Looks like the progesterone may have caused my temp to go up even more. It's either that or the crap sleep I had last night. Never felt like I was in a deep sleep and always on the verge of waking up.
Oh well.

I'm starting to have some strange dreams. Started yesterday w/ a weird Friday the 13th meets the kids from The Middle meets this one Indian actor I've seen in a few movies (who ended up being Jason). It was a strange one.
And last night's and this morning's.... I can't even tell you what any of those were about b/c they jumped around so much.

I guess progesterone causes funky dreams too. Hope they get more vivid, I know then it could be from HCG in my system. FX.

DH was off yesterday so that was a big distraction from everything.
No exercise done. Helps that we were out for a lot of the day.
We had to go to the bank first to get something straightened out. Then grocery shopping. Then Petsmart. Came home for a little while, then it was off to see a movie, bookstore after it to waste some time until dinner, then dinner.
Sure I could've done something when we finally got home... but meh.

Going to do a little bit of exercising today. Just try to do some modified squats, push ups and stretch. I could try pull ups as well, but I don't trust my weight on the pull up bar. It's one of those that uses the door frame and ugh, it makes me so nervous lol.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Emotional junk

Pretty much what it is right now. Just feeling really emotional right now. Mostly jealous emotions unfortunatly.
Seems to hit me, then go, then come back, then go... BLEH!
Finding myself getting REALLY jealous of women that have recently gotten their BFPs, especially those who have struggled with infertility which is just weird.
You would think I'd be thrilled for those women, but I can't help but feel jealous and hurt that they got pregnant and well.. here I am.
Don't even get me started on the fertile ones... yeah, won't even go there lol.

Sigh, oh well. Just one of those moments I guess.

Men..... sigh

So, my temp was up this morning as well. Didn't go up much from yesterday, but 98.02 is still in my post-O range which is just unbelievable lol.
No BDing last night though.
DH pissed me off.
I mean how many times do I have to tell him that I may have ovulated? He knows the fertile window is small, yet he kept telling me no, or not right now, or after this or that.
Finally, by the time he was ready (which was when we were going to bed), I just told him no and went to sleep.
There's only so much rejection someone can take, ya know?
He wasn't trying to do it b/c he has performance issues, he's always been great in that area, he just didn't believe that there was even a small possibility of me ovulating.
I totally understand that since I never had before, but come on. Give me the benefit of the doubt here!
And it's not like I was asking for Gourmet sex.....SIGH

Anyway, I think we've done enough BDing to give us a chance though. It still would've been nice to get one more in yesterday afternoon when I had wanted to, but pfft, whatever.

I guess if my temps stay up, which I'm thinking they will, I'll be starting the progesterone tomorrow.

Gosh, it would be SO nice to get a BFP on my own. I hope so... I really really hope so.
Also would be nice to be pregnant during the winter months... and have a baby at the beginning of spring. How awesome would that be.... starting down a new life path with our little baby.
Sigh..... a girl can dream.....

Just one more day of being lazy. Honestly not looking forward to the exercising, but I'm excited to actually start something.
If my body is trying to work now, then it can only get better as I get healthier!
And I know I've been slack with the photos. I'm just being lazy with posting them!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Normal Weirdness

So, my temp jumped up to 97.98 this morning which is my post-O temp range.
Could it be? Maybe.
If my temp stays up for the next couple of days then it's possible that my body has worked once again which is frickin weird as well lol.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about it, since I was actually looking for it this time, but it's still weird.
Just got SO used to my body not working, and then all of a sudden this happens... twice!
Man, it would be nice to get pregnant on my own, free of frickin charge! lol

We've BD'd the past 3 days, so should be covered in that area. Didn't use preseed yesterday. DH was goofing off and distracted me. By the time I remembered, we were already going at it lol.

I don't think he thinks that I actually ovulated on my own. Hell, I'm still doubting it, but I told him that it's possible. All he could say was "I wish!" lol
Him and I both... him and I both.

Started feeling nauseated last night. Thought it was dinner, but still feeling it today as well. Maybe it's from ovulating?
I also have a dull headache that started last night along with the nauseous feeling.

Right ovary is aching a little.

My face is breaking out big time. So attractive... sigh.

And yeah, that's about it.
My shoulder has started to act up again. Not sure why. Maybe it's a pinched nerve or something?
I think I'm going to start the progesterone suppositories if my temps the next couple of days stays in the post-O range.

Friday, July 8, 2011


I have no idea if my body is doing something or not.
My temp did drop to 97.31, so hoping that that is an O dip and it goes up to a post-O temp tomorrow.
I've taken 2 OPKs today so far. One with FMU (more like 4th mu lol), and one at noon.
Early morning test was light, noon test was darker, but not positive.
Just took another test and it's like the noon one. Darker than the morning one, but not positive.

Here are the tests. Looking at them this way.... I think I actually believe I got a positive yesterday which blows my mind and I think the one from early evening that I wasn't sure about w/ the dark thin line was probably a positive as well (3rd test down).

I REALLY hope that my temp jumps up tomorrow.
I was feeling aching earlier this morning but not much now. Going to pounce on DH when he gets home. Get in some BDing before we go out to dinner.

We BD'd last night. Used the wedge, everything was great. After we were done and DH got up... I laid there with my hips elevated on the pillow, but didn't seem to do any good b/c I leaked all over the place. I know some sperm got to where they needed to go, but it was disappointing seeing so much had come out even though my hips were up.
Not sure what happened there.

That's about it.
Weight was 197 today. Going to do measurements on Monday. I know I could do them now, but it just feels better starting stuff at the beginning of the week.
My shoulder is feeling better. Not 100%, but should be once I start up everything. My foot is still tender feeling, but that should be ok once I start as well.

I've set a short term goal of being 189lbs by the time we get to start TTC w/ meds again. HOPEfully we won't even need to go back to meds, but if we do, I want to be in the 180's by then :)
Will be so nice never having to worry about seeing a 2 in front of my weight ever again!

And I know I know. I haven't posted vacation photos yet. I'm just being lazy right now, but I'm gonna do them this weekend.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Ok one more....

I took another opk.
Took it at around 6:20.
Not sure what to think.
Read on the POAS website that depending on the brand, a thin dark line could mean positive, but on other brands, it doesn't.
Not sure where wondfos fall so yeah.
Here's the test

The thin line is def as dark, and the test dried nice and dark as well, but... that's all it is a thin line.

Hmmm... ok maybe not

So, I took another test and this is what I got.
Clearly not a positive.
So yeah, not sure what to think.
Maybe the one from earlier was a fluke. It was taken with my super awesome afternoon PP and we all know how it affects tests :P lol

Oh well. If the other one wasn't a +.. meh. If it is, then yay, we'll BD just in case.

OPK... is it possible?

Do my eyes deceive me?
I just got in the new batch of OPKs and took one right away with the little bit of PP I could squeaze out.
This is what I have
IRL, the line looks just as dark as the control line... but in the photo, it's just a little bit lighter.

So yeah.... I mean obviously it's pretty damn close, but *shrugs*

Would be awesome if it is a + and means I'll ovulate on my own though! Gosh I hope this is the case!


So we had our consult today with the RE.
He basically said that he would like to do the chromasomal test.
Not that it would really change anything though.
Can't exactly do anything if there is a chromasomal problem ya know? But it would at least give us a reason for why the early losses keep happening.
I hope everything comes back ok.
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the frustration that title of "Unexplained" brings, but I'd rather have that than a chromasomal problem that we can't do anything about. Where we would have to rely on pure luck in having a baby.

RE started to go on about the extreme unproven measures that a lot take. He's one that doesn't believe a clotting disorder prevents pregnancy so doesn't think taking any kind of blood thinner med helps.
BUT he said that he's always willing to give his patients that if they want it.
DH mentioned to him an article he saw about a British study that gave women with recurrent m/c some kind of steroid that's used for asthma.
RE was interested in reading it and asked to be sent the link to it.
He said that if it looked promising, we could always try something like that if we wanted.
I thought that was very cool that he would be willing to try something different.

So, we went ahead and had some blood taken.
Poor DH's body did not like that at all.
It was only just a single vial of blood, but he almost passed out from it.
All of the color drained from his face. His lips and eyelids were blue. Not just slightly blue, but blue blue.
He started pouring sweat and shaking.
Once he was ok to walk, they made him lay down for a bit.
Just so weird how our bodies react sometimes.

So yeah, RE recommended that we take another month break as we wait for the results. That works out perfectly since we were going to wait anyway lol.

Erm what else.
Oh RE seemed to think IVF was more of an option for us now. I'm still on the fence about it. Just don't know if we NEED to go that far yet, ya know?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Just felt a gush down there so wanted to check my cm.
Inserted my finger and I think I felt my cervix for the first time. At least I'm pretty sure that's what I felt since I've never uh... felt that up there before lol.
It was pretty low considering that I could feel it and soft.
First time I had creamy and very stretchy creamy cm, but only a little bit of the stretchy stuff.
Checked again to see if there would be more, but nope... just more creamy lotiony type of stuff that I usually always have.
*shrugs* Not sure what that means, but hopefully DH is up for some BDing tonight just in case :)


So, we have an offer for a surrogate from DH's BF's wife (the ones we were vacationing with).
They already have 3 children, and with her last, she had her tubes tied b/c she's SO fertile and didn't want anymore blahblahblah.

It's a very touching offer, but damn does it make me feel like an even bigger failure.

I really had not even thought as far as doing IVF b/c it's SO much money. I just sort of blocked that option out of my mind. And then to have that offer come up..... it was like a slap in the face.
Not from HER, but just of our whole circumstance that would even bring up an offer like that to begin with.

DH asked how much longer I want to continue trying the way we are. I didn't even know how to answer that and told him so. When do you call it quits? HOW can you set a time like that?
I know a lot of people do, but I just don't want to get to that point b/c it feels like we're giving up.
I mean even though it would be just moving on to the more expensive step, it still feels like giving up to me.... sigh.

Also, we may be taking an extended break. We spent A LOT of money on this trip and our bank account is really hurting right now.
I mean of course, I would love to just jump right back in to things, but realistically, we NEED money.
DH wants to wait until at least August. I'm ok with it.
Damnit, how shitty is that though......
Everyone else can frickin TTC for FREE. Just bump uglies and TADA! BABY!
But oh no...... infertiles have to worry about how much GD money they have in the bank before they can even try.

I guess the only positive about waiting, other than more money, is that I WILL be lighter in weight.
No ifs ands or buts about that statement.
I'm still pumped about losing weight surprisingly enough lol.
My back still feels jacked up and my foot still needs to heal some, but hopefully in a couple of days I'll be able to start exercising.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Stupid blogger!!!

I'm sorry if I'm not posting comments right now. This was happening before we left on vacation and is apparently still occuring.
I can post my own blog stuff just fine, but I can't leave comments anywhere. Keeps making me login and then not leave the post... grrrrrrr.

Cat out of the bag

Forgot to mention that I've told a few people about our chemical pregnancies.

We were over at DH's family's land. He had to get the beach house key from his mom, and wanted me to go over to his uncle's house to get some eggs.
So I go over there, and they start talking to me about their fertility struggles and how they've basically just given up.
Well she (the uncle's wife), starts talking about how she's actually gotten a positive test result before, but blood tests came back inconclusive (which probably means she had a chemical pregnancy).
They didn't seem to think it was that though and thought the positive result was b/c of her PCOS.
Well, they asked me point blank if I had ever gotten a positive result b/c they know I have PCOS as well, and yeah, I just completely broke down, started to cry and told them.
Don't know if they'll tell anyone else, and honestly, I don't care if they do... not anymore.

I also told my SiL (brother's wife). I was taking her and her girls home from our house on one of the days we were back for a little while. We got on about preggo SiL and I started ranting about how much of a bitch she's been and finally just told her. AND of course, I broke down in the car, while driving lol.

So yeah, there it is.
I haven't told DH that I told anyone, but meh... whatever.

I'm just so tired of all of this right now. There's just so much despair whenever I think about this. I seriously can not think about it without wanting to burst in to tears and coming close to doing it. I dunno.... it just feels like I'm close to my breaking point emotionally. Like I'm just on the right side of the line from being full on depressed about all of this.
I sure don't want to feel that way and I'm not sure how to prevent it from happening.
I can't just NOT think about it. That is not ever going to happen. How can you relax and forget about something that you want with every fiber of your being, ya know?
Sure I could throw myself in to my hobbies, but I can't do that for 24/7.
Sigh.... *shrugs*
Just not sure what to do right now.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Back in to the swing of things

Well, not quite yet.
Friends are still here and won't be leaving until Monday morning.
So yeah, still relaxing and eating awful delicious food.

The beach was really fun although my right foot got tore up.
The giant blister on the bottom got sand all up in it so I had to rip the skin away to get the sand out. BUT that exposed the tender skin underneath it and made it totally sore and bruised so it was difficult to walk on.
That's ok though. The beachhouse we stayed in was only like 2 houses and a hotel away from the beach. Short short walk.
We did however walk to this icecream place (that was totally worth it). It was only a half a mile away, but man, my foot made it feel like 10miles.

Anywho, enough about that. Had fun, got some sun, yay.

I'll post some photos taken during the trip.

Erm what else. I ordered more opks and hpts today. Have the consult with the RE on thursday. Will be interesting to hear what he has to say.
No idea if my body is going to try to ovulate on its own again. Doubting it though. My boobs aren't sore at all like they were last time. Not having any kind of O type of pains.
Think all of the bad food is causing problems down in the ladybits.

BUT with the mention of bad food... I've gained no weight during this trip. WOO. Weighed myself this morning and I'm at 197. Think that's what I was at at the beginning of this trip.
Could be 196... we did have a big dinner last night of oh-so-healthy pizza heh.
But still.. YAY for still being under 200 :D Hope to get that number WAY down so 200 won't even be an issue any longer. That will be AWESOME.

Hrm... looks like I've lost a couple of followers. Boo :(
It's all good though. I know I've been a bad blogger buddy. Not commenting and reading others blogs like I should be. I swear I'll catch up though!
And I know I'm really not interesting or witty....... or really anything lol.
Oh welp.... different strokes, different folks or however that saying goes :D