Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Better today

Feeling better today. Not as worn out and weak feeling today as I was yesterday, so woot for that.
Did Power90 cardio workout. I did the entire first set of jumping jacks, yay :D I couldn't do the 2nd set except for a couple of jumps, but I can feel that I'm not as weak as I was when I first started.
I mean I'm still out of shape, but not as much.
I did try to do that thigh blaster workout but nuh uh. That workout is too hard for me right now. I couldn't even do the first 5mins. My body just isn't up to doing that yet.
I may try some of the others. See if they're just as hard or what. May try the butt one tomorrow see how that is heh.

Feeling good though. I ended up taking a nap yesterday, and I don't have that urge or want to today. :)

Booo bad sleep!

Damnit, I was hoping I'd sleep like the dead last night since I was so worn out, but I didn't.
Our dog that sleeps with us decided he wanted to snuggle up right next to me, which is aww adorable, except that I was right on the edge of the bed and couldn't move much. So I kept waking up sore from laying in one position for too long.

I weighed myself today, and it read 222.4. Erm ok.Hell, I'll take it though if it's not just some weird fluctuation.

I am feeling a bit better today though. Not so run down. We'll see if I'm still feeling weak after my workout though.
I'm going to try to add in this other workout for my thighs. Figure since they're easy muscles to work out, and they're big, then if I can build up those muscles, then it'll help everywhere else.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Away We Go


Just got it from Netflix and watched it tonight.
Man, when they go to Montreal to visit their friends. The part where they're in the bar. First, when the wife of the friend starts talking to the pregnant chick. And just that all to knowing look she gives.
And then when she starts performing on stage, and her husband mentions that she just had her 5th miscarriage and he starts talking about it.
Man, just broke my heart.
I've never had a m/c that I know of, but just the infertility part. Not being able to have a baby.... just rips you up inside.

I really want to get back to trying again. I'm beginning to get jealous of the ladies on the forums that I go to. Not anyone that I'm in a buddy group with. I actually enjoy reading their experiences.
I'm talking about the rest of them. I'm just feeling so jealous and left out. Like I'm in a race and being left behind.
I want to try again. I want there to be a chance... I want my ovaries to fucking work already.
I thought exercising would help keep my mind off of TTC, which is kind of has, but as the year quickly comes to an end.... my impatience is growing once again.


My hormones must be causing my low looooow energy level. I just have no strength to do anything.
I did Power 90 sculpt, and about 5 mins of the stretch workout, and that was it. I wanted to do more, but my body just couldn't.
I kept gagging whenever I breathed in deeply for some strange reason.
And my muscles seriously felt like they were going to collapse at any second.
Usually I feel great after working out, this time, I just feel so weak.

Sucks b/c I can't do anything about it, other than what I'm trying to do. I think exercise will help eventually, but not going to help much now if I can't really get that intesity to get a good workout in, ya know? It's really frustrating when you're TRYING to do well, only to have your body betray you.


SO I went ahead and weighed myself officially for the end of week 2. Also took my measurements and got some weird results.
Here are my weekly photos. Still no noticeable change... specially in that damn belly area.

Here are my measurements.. hopefully what I've gained is muscle....
First number will be from last week, 2nd will be from today

Weight 224, 223

Left Upper Arm 16, 15.5
Right Upper Arm 17, 16.5
Bust 43, 43.2
Below Bust 39, 39.5
Belly (above bellybutton) 41.5, 42
Waist 40.5, 40.75
Hips + Pooch 48.5, 48
Right Mid Thigh 24.1, 23.5
Left Mid Thigh 23, 22.25

So as you can see.... I've gained in a lot of areas, and lost in a few. Really pissed about gaining in my mid section. Not sure what's going on there, but *shrugs*
Don't feel like exercising today. SO tired. Damn hormones are just draining me to laziness. I woke up an hour ago, but I could seriously go lay down on the couch and go back to sleep for a few more hours.
I won't, but damn, it's so tempting when your body just doesn't want to cooperate.


This is going to be such a lovely post.
I'm not looking too much in to it. MOre like, oh maybe the Evening Primrose crap is working.

Past 2 nights when I've had a BM (that's bowel movement if you must know), I've noticed some EWCM on the tp when I wipe.
Now that's kind of normal. I get that a BM would help to move things down some in the vagina since well, everything is right beside eachother down there.
But I haven't gotten this on 2 consecutive nights.
Also tonights CM was a bit strange. Really snotty. Wiped the first time, and there was a visible string of CM on the tp.
So I checked w/ my fingers, and pulled out a tiny little glob of snotty CM. Didn't stretch too much and was like really loose jelly. So yeah... maybe the EPO is actually working. Who knows.

I really need to use these opks. Maybe I'll get a miracle... Pffffffft

Monday, June 28, 2010

Booo, no license today!

Stupid truck. It couldn't stop working while we were still at home. Oh no, it had to wait until the damn road tester was standing outside of the damn truck about to test me to NOT WORK!
I mean just absolutely nothing wrong with the truck bfore to indicate that things were about to go pear shaped.
Anyway, so there's that. Thankfully it was just the battery that had died. Still cost almost $200 though.

And I haven't exercised in 2 days. I feel so guilty about that but nothing I can do about that now.
AND I ate horribly these past 2 days. Just awful stuff with a ton of calories. Damn you Papa Johns! Why must you be so tasty!!

So yeah, I have a lot of making up to do this week. I think I'm going to start incooperating some of the other workouts that cme with the P90. There are different ones that target different areas. One is a stretch, another is for thighs, another for butt, etc etc. If I'm feeling up to it, I may try to add in those.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

So, no exercise today

Just took today as my rest as usual.
Wasn't feeling up to it since we go grocery shopping early, and my brother was coming over to go with us.
I'll have to do some tomorrow after my driving test though I guess. Or probably will just take that day off as well. I'll make it up one of the other days.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Done.... bleh

I didn't want to exercise today... at all!! Woke up just wanting to sleep some more, and then got up and just feel like crap.
I wasn't going to exercise. I was going to take today as my rest day, but I did it anyway.
I don't think I pushed myself enough though. At least it didn't feel like it.
I tried the crunches on the floor today. I could do the leg lifts and the in-n-outs better on the floor, but I can't do the regular crunches better.
Think we may be going to that fitness place today. Doubt we'll buy anything. It's just to look around mainly I think.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I will shit bricks

Just learned tonight, that DH's spoiled ass entitled piece of shit bratty cousin is engaged.
Can ya tell I don't like her?
She's 19yo, and just god awful.
Well I will go bat shit crazy if this bitch gets pregnant before I do. I mean I will be seriously pissed off.
But of course since his cousin is like that. Totally irresponsible and blahblah.. that means she'll be fertile as hell and should be pregnant in oh.... a month if that long.


I admit it, I half assed some of the workout today. Not a lot but some of it I did.
I did the lunges again, but couldn't keep them up. My legs just don't have the strength in them yet to complete all of the reps they do.
I did use the 5lb weights today with most of the lifting. Couldn't or well... honestly, didn't want to do all the reps for some of them. There are some that they do where they heavily lean on their legs and bend over to work on back lifting exercises, and with my legs feeling the way they did, I couldn't stay down low for long.
And I skipped the end pushups. Even if I am only doing wall ones for now. I just wasn't up for it.
I did most of it though and felt I got a really good workout in even with the things I didn't do.
Not going to beat myself up about it. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to be able to do everything right now. I just started and I'm extremely out of shape.
I'll be able to do all of these things eventually with no problem :)

Don't wanna!!!

I don't want to exercise today. My sleep was better, but I still feel so drained and limp right now.
It's probably my hormones making me feel this way. Since I'm not on any kind of fertility med this cycle, my hormones are just running wild and it's causing me to feel this way, not get a good rest, etc etc.

I may have to exercise on Sunday. DH is off on Monday and wants to take me to get my license... yippee... :\ Still haven't found anywhere to practice parallel parking. Hopefully this means I'll have my own car soon whenever we can afford that. It'll be nice not having to have DH drive me around anywhere and to not be stuck in the house all day if I want to go out somewhere. Where? No idea... I do like staying at home lol.

As for the exercising... I'll be doing weight training today. Going to try to keep using the 5lbers for most of the stuff, but if I start struggling I'll switch to the 3lbers.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Day 8 Done

I have to admit.... I really.... REALLY didn't want to exercise today.
I just felt so beat down b/c of the poor sleep and my back and arm area still being slightly sore.
But I exercised anyway. I did the cardio. Not as much jumping around as yesterday but still some in there.
I still couldn't do all of the abs. Did about 55 and then those same abs as yesterday started to charlie horse again so I had to stop.
I'm glad I did do it all though. Feels great that I pushed myself even though I really didn't want to.

Thursday already?

I'm surprised actually. Just doesn't seem like it should be Thursday already.
So no weight training today. My back and side where it's sore are still feeling a little bit blah today. I just don't want it to get worse by trying to do some weight lifting or anything.
So I'll do cardio again today. My body just isn't ready for more than twice a week weight lifting heh.

Sleeping last night was still crappy. I dunno what the hell is wrong. I get tired around 11:30, go to bed at midnight, and I lay in bed for an hour and a half trying to get to sleep. And then I kept waking up, and just.. UGH so frustrating b/c I wake up in the morning not wanting to get up, but not wanting to sleep all day. And then I'm left feeling low energy for the rest of the day. So annoying!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

P90 done..

Took my shower and ate my lunch. Now I just want to go die on the couch.
The exercising was good, but I slept like shit last night. Just could not stay asleep for anything and couldn't get to sleep even though I was dozing off at the computer.
My head just feels so fuzzy right now from lack of sleep.

I had to ease up a little the first part of the workout. Felt a headache coming on before I started, so took some tylenol about 10mins before. Felt like the headache was going to get worse, but it went away thankfully so I didn't have to stop.
Tried out a few more moves. I still can't do a lot of the stretching or te power yoga, but I did some more jumping jacks, and did these other hopping around things. Really gets your heart going.

I could only do about 54 crunches. The regular ones were ok, but dropping the legs to the sides, it started hurting. Then when I started doing another one, it felt like my abs, the ones kinda in the middle, but more towards my boobs... felt like I was getting a charlie horse when doing the crunches. I stretched out and the feeling went away, but when I started to do more, the feeling came back so I decided not to press my luck.

I really do like the feeling exercise brings. Just an overall good feeling. And I'm happy I'm sticking with it. I just wish I enjoyed exercising. I still don't. I'm more tolerant of doing it now lol, but I still don't like it... at all.

Day 1 for DH!

I guess I inspired DH to start exercising, b/c he started back up on Sunday :)
Here are his day 1 photos. Well, actually Day 3 but we'll just say day 1 :P
Not sure what his weight is. I'll get him to take it in the morning one of these days.

I'm going to post up his photos weekly as well because he really needs to keep motivated. He's lost a lot fo weight before when he was exercising and never thought he lost anything. Even though his stomach was completely gone. So I'm doing this for him so a couple of weeks from now, I can show him his progression photos to prove that he's getting in to better shape.

 I know he'll kick butt though. He's done it before and I know he can do it again. just have to keep him motivated!

Week 1!

So, today is officially the end of week 1. Here are my weekly photos. I don't see much of any difference, but it's not like I lost 20lbs already or anything lol. I probably won't actually start noticing results until a month from now.

Also, my weigh in today is 224!! WOOO That means I lost 3lbs in 1 week. That's insane. Specially since my eating really wasn't good those first few days.

Here are my measurements. I took them about a month ago, but I'm not going to count those. These will be my official day 1 of measurements

Left Upper Arm 16in
Right Upper Arm 17
Bust 43
Below Bust 39
Belly (above bellybutton/waist) 41.5
Waist 40.5
Hips + Pooch 48.5
Right mid Upper thigh 24.1
Left mid Upper thigh 23

Oh and also, my right side, like my back side/shoulder blade area is sore! It's not that bad, but it's not comfy either lol. Thankfully it's just cardio today so don't have to worry about making it worse.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Wow, shaky!

I used 5lb weights for a lot of the lifting and man, you can really tell a difference. I was struggling.
Also, I did the lunges. They weren't deep or pretty and they were done half-assed, but I did them rofl. Still made my legs feel like jello afterwards hehe

I like exercising in the morning. Started kind of late today, but around 10 sounds good. Don't get me wrong, I still hate exercising lol, but exercising in the morning at least leaves the rest of the day open to do whatever.
I'm not sitting here constantly thinking about when I'm going to exercise in the afternoon, ya know.
Just do it and get it out of the way.

Day whatever

I did not want to wake up this morning! Maybe the exercises really are making me more tired. I'll have to be sure to get to bed sooner tonight. See if an extra hour will help that feeling in the morning.

Going to do P90 Sculpt today. Figure I'd try to do it every other day. Someone on a forum I go to mentioned that doing weight training helps with insulin resistance which should help with the bad belly fat. So def going to try to push myself some with the weight training.
I'm still not doing those damn lunges though. At least not any time soon. Same with the pushups. It hurts my wrists even trying to attempt it. I'll try doing them off a kitchen counter though (another suggestion I read on a forum). Get more of an angle and more resistance than the wall.

I really need to stop weighing myself every day. It's going to drive me crazy. Before putting on my workout clothes... I weighed myself, and it was another pound less. Now this I def don't trust.. although it was nice seeing 224 lol.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Day 4?

Day 4 of Power 90 down..... a ton more to go.
I'm really pooped out today. Took a while to get to sleep.
I went to bed, got up 10mins later b/c I finally remembered the song I wanted to get to get on itunes so had to get it before I forgot again.
Then I went back to bed, and our dog that sleeps in the bed with us had awful dog farts and with the way we have the fans set up in the room, it all gets blown straight up my nose. So I had to turn the other way so my head is now where my feet usually are. It's comfy though and I did fall asleep quickly.

I had a big lunch today. It was a korean dish called soondubu jigae. It's a spicy soft tofu stew. A lot of calories, but all from good healthy stuff. I was really craving it so had to make some lol. Lunches for the rest of the week will probably just consist of yogurt and maybe a granola bar or something.

Exercise today was good. I did the cardio stuff again. Felt good doing it. Those knee lifts though man... they kill my hip/thigh area.
I also did most of the abs. I still can't do the really hard ones, like the bicycle, full body crunch etc. I did about 60 various crunches though so yay.
I did do them on the couch. Laying on the floor really hurts my back, so I thought maybe try it on the couch and it worked. I could do the crunches a lot better and it hurt like hell, but in that good exercise kind of way lol.


2lbs down. How did that happen??
I wasn't even eating well. Hell, I'll take it though.

Going to start drinking milk in the morning, then exercising about an hour later, then eat lunch.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Maybe? Hopefully!

I weighed myself this morning before taking a shower, and it showed 225.8. So I may have lost 2lbs already!!
Would be insane if so b/c hell, I've only been exercising for real for 3 days. AND my eating hasn't exactly been fantastic.
I'm going to wait until tomorrow to change my ticker, but hell, I'd take a pound too.

Kinda makes me want to kick myself in the butt for not getting my lazy ass off the couch sooner. Hell, if I had, by now I could be well in to the 100's and happy with how I look.

Rest Day

No exercise today. Going to use Sundays as my rest day.
I hate doing anything when we have to go grocery shopping. And I also woke up with my back feeling sore and stiff. So going to take it easy today and kick some booty tomorrow.

This is the first time I'm actually looking forward to going grocery shopping. I hate it with a passion, but I'm excited to get some healthier stuff.
I still need to clean out the fridge though. I'll go do that now.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Just did my workout. Did it a bit earlier b/c DH is home on most weekends and I don't like working out in front of him. He's outside mowing the lawn so thought I'd use that oppurtunity to get it done lol.

I can't help it, I get embarassed and feel even more awkward if I know someone is watching.

Anywho, tried to do more of the stuff today like they do it. Like the jumping jacks and these lunge jump things. Hard to do them when you have big boobs and a stomach that flops around all over the place when you're jumping.
I couldn't keep it up, but I did some, so that's something at least.
I also couldn't do all of the abs today. Felt like I did the regular crunch better, but my abs are still feeling it from the other day and I just didn't have the strength for it.
I mean come on, even if I could do them all, all the time, not like you'd be able to see my 4 pack or whatever through the keg I'm carrying :P lol
It was rough today though trying to do more. Def sweating a whole lot more and got out of breath a lot quicker.

Oh and I still didn't sleep well. Didn't help that DH fell asleep on the couch. For some reason, I get really paranoid when he's not in bed before me. I was super tired when I went to bed, but still laid there awake. Fricking 30yo woman afraid of the things that go bump in the night if DH isn't laying next to me. SIGH.
He did eventually come to bed about an hour later and I fell right to sleep. Didn't want to wake up though.

Weird dream

Just have to get this down before I forget.

The dream was set in modern times,  but it was fantasy. Like a Jason and the Arganauts.
There was a guy that could disappear, and there was a cyclops that kicked ass.
Well, I was with the hero (I'm a teenage black chick). Can't remember who it was, some black dude. We were chasing after the guy that could disappear b/c he stole something from us. We're in this old run down building, chasing him up stairs, and right before he could disappear, the hero snatches back the item we wanted back.
We start rushing up the stairs b/c we're also getting chased.
We reach this big studio like space. And that's when the cyclops gets to us. He's hell bent on getting back the item and just starts wailing on the hero. The hero is doing a great job defending himself though.
And for some reason, I find a huge bag of dog food to protect myself with lol.
Well the cyclops sees that he's not really getting anywhere beating on the hero. So he says something about doing something to what he loves, and then starts to beat the snot out of me.
I'm the typical weakling damsel so I can't really defend myself against the barrage of punches.
The hero finally gets the cyclops guy off of me and beats him up some and makes him run away.
But I'm already traumitized from the beating and sobbing like crazy.

There might've been more but that's all I can remember.

I had a few other strange dreams too. Like dreaming that I was on a school field trip in New York. We were all crammed in to this tiny little hotel room but we were all having a blast just looking out the window at the great view we had. Then something happened that I don't remember, but we came back to the room and it was already morning and none of the kids had gotten any rest. Guess that wasn't so strange lol.

Also had another dream where DH and I were with my brother and his family, and we were telling them that we were going to Disney World that weekend b/c during a certain time, admission was only going to be $7. And we told them that they were coming lol.

Friday, June 18, 2010


I just totally erased all that good I did eating dinner and then having some dessert lol.
I was doing so well with my food, and then BAM, here comes the take out Chinese food.
Sigh... it was so good though damnit. Can I help it if I enjoy food??
I hate those people that say to eat only for energy and blahblah bullshit. There's no reason not to enjoy what you're eating, and to eat what you want... ya just have to learn how to moderate, which well I obviously haven't learned yet lol.

Hrmm...... do I post too much? I mean I really don't have anything to talk about, but it seems like I post a hellava lot. That's what blogs are for though right? heh

Just went to a site called You put in your stats and then it tells you how many calories you should be eating a day. Mine is 1700 cals a day. I think I can do that. Maybe even less. Going to have to look up some foods that I like that I'll be able to eat. It also said that I could be losing up to 2lbs a week. That's awesome if I could do that. Of course I'd love to lose more but I'll take what I can get heh.
Going to have to clean out the fridge though. Have a feeling I'm going to be eating a lot more fruits and veggies and we just don't have a lot of room in the fridge for all of that.
I'm sure there's plenty in there that I can toss in the trash though and free up some room.

Day 2 Power 90

Just got done taking my shower after power 90.
Did the 1-2 Sculpt. Kicked my butt but it feels good.
I get why people like exercising, but nope, still not for me.

I didn't do the lunges. Just did some extra squats instead. I just don't have the form or balance to do lunges.
Also did wall pushups. Obviously not as hard, but you start far enough away, it starts to get difficult pushing yourself back off the wall.
I also couldn't do the chair dips. It works out the back of the arms and there's just no way. At least not yet.

My lazy self was trying to get out of working out, but I did it. Woot :)

Feeling a bit bleh

Woke up feeling fine. Watered the plants, sat down at the computer and now my abs are aching. It's not bad enough to keep me from exercising though thankfully.

Feeling tired again though. I slept better, but I'm starting to sleep longer and not feeling as rested. Not sure why but I don't like this at all.

Going to do Power 90 weight training today. There are a lot of lunges and pushups in that shit though. I'm not doing the lunges. Going to do squats instead, and pushups, I'll do wall pushups. I can't do a regular or girly style.

Joined a site called Calorie Count. Want to keep track of what I'm eating better.
Had 2 boiled eggs and a can of tuna fish w/ a tablespoon of mayo. All of that equaled to about 365 calories. Not bad. Would've been under 300 if I hadn't had the mayo. That tbs was 90 calories! Crazy.. and I love mayo too damnit. SIGH.
If I have this again, I'll leave out the mayo. Just sprinkle it all with some salt and pepper.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Ok so today feels like the first official first day since I actually got in a really good workout.
I did Power 90 Sweat + Ab Ripper.
There are 2 parts to Power 90, the 1-2 circuit, and then the 3-4... of course I'm starting off with the 1-2.

I still can't do some of the stretches and the power yoga. I'm just not flexible and with my T-Rex arms, I just don't have reach either so that doesn't help. Hopefully one day, but right now... no way.

Also there's this move that they start off with. You just bring your knees up one at a time. Sounds and looks easy enough, that is until you're actually doing them!
My upper thighs right by my hips start to ache like crazy. It is SO difficult to keep going when your body is screaming at you to stop.

Thankfully the end of the sweat routine is punching stuff. That stuff makes you sweat, but doesn't make you ache so it's a nice rest.

The ab ripper. I tried doing them all but I can not do that bicycle move or the full body one. Hell, I can barely do a regular crunch. I don't think I'm doing a lot of them quite right b/c I didn't feel that ache like I was supposed to. Just hoping that will get better with time as well.

I still hate exercising, but finishing it and knowing I did it feels fantastic.

Tired... so tired....

So lets try this again shall we!
ZGoing to do some Power 90 today. Need to look up something motivating though b/c I'm feeling tired and pretty low right now.
I didn't sleep well at all last night and that lack of a restful sleep is hitting me right now.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mushroom lit

DH found some batteries for the little mushroom light.
It's really cute lit up. I think I will buy more. Not right now, but def later.


I started buying stuff for the nursery. Well, the eventual nursery.
Not sure if I mentioned this or not, but it's going to be like a forest fantasy theme.
I plan on making a quilt with a little castle on it, and painting a huge mural on the walls and decorating it all in fantasy stuff.

My first purchase was this little mushroom light. It's one that needs batteries, and turns on when you press down on it. I thought it would go great with the theme.

I found this photo while looking for something. I can't remember what. But I REALLY like the faux tree bookshelf. I just absolutely love that it has a little hidey hole at the bottom of it and it's amazing. I would love to do something like this for the room as well and think it would really help to bring everything alive.

I bought a piggy bank last night. It's not exactly fantasy, but I thought it was super cute anyway and think it'll look just fine with the theme.
I won't spoil what it is. It's being sent from Taiwan so probably won't be here for a while.

Day 1 photos..... UUUUGH

So, I figured since I was going to start this seriously... I'd take and post up day 1 photos. BLEH. I hate having my photo taken, nm ones showing how fat I am!
Here they are though.

My ass actually looks like it has gotten smaller. Still pops out which I don't mind. But that stomach. Good lord that is the bane of my existance! It's a fairly new development. I always had a pooch, that area right below your belly button but right above your pubic area... that part has always been kinda pudgy, but everything else was ok... and then it just slowly but surely started to get bigger. I read that that's common with PCOS. Sigh, I remember when my boobs stuck out more than my stomach... oh to be back to that....
And I hate my arms as well. They're HUGE and I hate it b/c I don't feel comfortable wearing women's tees. ALL women's tees have these short little sleeves, and yeah that's just not happening.

Anywho, here it is.... pls ignore the smudged up spotted mirror.... and I just noticed that I forgot to put my rings back on.

UUUUUUUGH... headache from hell!!

It snuck up on me too. I was on the treadmill and could feel a headache coming on. Usually it takes headdaches to build up but this one is like someone struck me with a damn baseball bat.
I only managed to do a little bit of weight lifting and about 17mins on the treadmill before I had to stop.
This headache is piercing and just fucking awful.

Damnit, it figures, as soon as I start, I have to fucking stop.
Just took some tylenol and am about to go lay down. I'll start back up as soon as it's gone.

Day #1 of losing the fat

Just ate lunch of 4 (yes 4) boiled eggs and I'm drinking a cup of milk and took my plethora of pills.
Red Clover- 2 tablets twice a day. It's supposed to help cysts rupture sooner.
Vitex- 1 pill twice a day.
Evening Primrose Oil- 1 pill a day
Hoodia- 2 pills an hour before meals
Omega-3 Fish Oil- 1 pill a day.

along with my metformin, B6, prenatal, and synthroid. That's a lot of shit. AND I have even more stuff coming in the mail. The milk thistle and estrotone or whatever it's called.

I weighed myself this morning and it was 227.8.
I can look in the mirror and see that skinny bitch waiting to climb out of this fat suit.

So my goal is to be down at least 27 lbs in a month. Can I do it? I'm sure going to try. That's a lot of weight to lose in a relatively short amount of time.

Exercise today is going to be tough though. I can already feel it. I'm really not tryng to psych myself out or anything.
AF is on her way out but she's totally draining me of energy right now. I even got a really restful sleep, but woke up feeling like I could've slept at least a few more hours.
So it's going to be tough to get things going.

So yeah that's it so far. While I'm waiting about an hour for my food to digest a bit... looking up some inspirational shit to get me pumped up.
These 27lbs better ALL come from my face, stomach and arms lol. I an deal with having a big badonkadonk for now, I just want to get the top half of me looking better.
I HATE having this stomach. Hate hate hate hate hate it! I mean hell, I see so many overweight women, and I get jealous of them b/c they don't have the belly fat. Or well, as much belly fat. Wish I was so lucky.

There ya go

Man... I have a lot of weight to lose.
Hrmm.. should've probably made a short term goal one first.. oh well..

Whew... ok

So I'm feeling better now that I've cried it all out. I'm still really bummed, but I don't feel like ripping DH's face off any longer and don't feel like crying in a corner.

I'm trying to get myself pumped up to start exercising. I'm starting tomorrow.
Read that with large cysts, it's best not to do really vigorous exercises b/c it can cause your ovary to twist or something? *shrugs*
Not sure how big they meant, but I'm going to keep that in mind and mainly do the eliptical and treadmill along with weight training.
Going to really try to do better on the treadmill. I tend to really slack off and only walk on it. Which did work for a while, but I never really saw any weight loss from that.. My leg muscles got really toned though.

I've slacked off with this weight issue long enough. I guess this forced break has kind of opened my eyes.
I'm also going to be dieting as well. Going to try to cut down on my red meat intake.
I'm going to try to reduce my carbs, but I gotta have my white rice. I know brown or wild is better for you, but hell, all of those Asian people are skinny as hell and white rice is a main part of their diets, so can't be that damn bad lol.
I'm also going to reduce my diet soda intake and up my water consumption. I hate plain water, but well, gotta do what ya gotta do. I know Aspartame is bad for you but damn if I don't love carbinated drinks!
I'll try to reduce my diet sodas to once or twice a day.

I'm also going to try out Hoodia. I bought the pills about a month ago and haven't opened them yet.
Did tonight though and took 2 of them.
We'll see how they work. I mean I really don't have a problem with snacking, or anything like that. If I do snack, it's usually on applesauce, or baby dill pickles or something. So nothing bad, but maybe the hoodia will help with me reducing how much I eat during my meals. If I don't feel hungry when I usually eat, maybe I'll eat less.

My goal is to be at 200 by my cd35. So a little over a month from now, I want to be down around 30lbs.
I weighed myself today before my shower and it read 229. We'll see what it's at tomorrow morning before I eat anything.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Well.... I WAS ok...

Today has just been awful.
I was worried all day about my appointment. I was hoping everything would be ok, but I knew deep down that I'd have cysts.
And I was right.
I have 4 large cysts. 1 on my left, 3 on my right. 2 of them on the right are HUGE. And I mean over 50mm big.

I'm pretty much devastated, defeated, angry, everything in the book emotion-wise.
I can't help but feel like nothing is ever going to work. I mean hell, the cycle that DID work, ended up doing THIS to me.

The PA told me we could keep trying, but damn woman, when I don't fucking ovulate on my own, what makes you think I will this time? And even if I do, with these monstrous things in the way, I doubt anything would happen. Hell, it would probably be yet another cyst that gets gigantic.
And who knows how long it's going to take for these behemoths to go away on their own. Could be one cycle, could be more than one. So we could be potentially waiting until August to start TTC again.

And my god damn husband hasn't helped one damn bit. He's so fucking clueless. I don't ask for much comforting b/c I know he's not really used to giving it... he's just a clueless typical guy when it comes to things like that.
But I REALLY needed it today. I mean just a hug, or some reassurances that everything would be ok would've been great, but nothing.
And I know he wanted this to happen. Maybe not THIS way, but I know he wanted to take a break. I know he was sick of taking off of work to take me to my appointments. I know he likes the money we're going to save not having to do injections, blahblahblah.
Plus he somehow thinks that if I lose weight I'll magically be cured of everything and will be normal and regular and all of that rainbow spewing out my ass bullshit. I've always told him that even when I was skinnier (around 150lbs), my cycles were STILL very irregular.
And I know he's happy, b/c he wants to visit his friend in Dec. And me not being hugely pregnant would make that a lot easier.

I am going to focus more on losing weight while we wait, but not for him. Fuck him and his clueless unsupportive ass.
I also bought some stuff called Estrotone. It has black cohosh and other shit in it. Says it's supposed to help w/ cysts or something. Also bought some milk thistle that is supposed to help with your liver, which should help with the cysts.

The PA said if nada by cd35 (July 17th), then call to get some provera. FUCK... so if nothing by then, 7 days of provera... then about 5 days to get AF....... It's going to be August, and even then, the cysts might not be gone.
Fucking monkey balls!

Ok so far

Just feeling a little anxious about my appointment later today. Really hope that there aren't any large cysts. GOD please let there not be any.

Really curious to know what dose of follistim they're going to start me on.

Also wish the appointment could've been done this morning, although it's super fricking hot out anyway. I'm gonna be sweating figurative balls during my appointment. Need to make sure to bring some flushable wipes so I don't gross anyone out with some sweat crotch.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Grrrr, stupid leaking!!!

Why can't the blood just stay on the damn pad where it belongs!!! Why must I be uncomfortable all night long b/c I have to stay in one position that might not even work to keep me from leaking (which it didn't this time).
Why can't they just make super extra long pads, longer than the overnights for big girls damnit!!! I need extra coverage!

Anywho, my appointment with the RE is tomorrow. Wel, the RE isn't there, so appointment with the PA.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Took a shower, put a pad on, went grocery shopping and AF started to flow.'

I am glad that I got her on my own, but damnit, I'm still angry that this cycle didn't work and we have to try again.


Well, I'm fairly certain AF is starting today. Spotting red and it's getting heavier.
Not really sure how to feel.
I'm disappointed obviously, but that's it.
I mean really nothing more I could've done to improve our chances. SO I can't be mad at myself.
No reason to be mad at DH.

Just... disappointed that we're back at square one. My LP isn't that long either which bothers me. I'll have to talk to the RE about it.

And I'm really wondering about those tests.
Maybe they were just faulty tests. I KNOW there was color, but with the FRER's being negative, I'm leaning towards faulty.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Starting spotting at a little before 7 tonight.
Was taking my multiple metformin bathroom trips, and when I wiped on the 2nd one, there was some spotting.
It was brown at first, but has quickly turned to an orange color. Doesn't seem to be getting heavier, but it did just start.

Not a great luteal phase if I am only 11dpo. Right on the edge of being too short.

I hope it stops. Hope it's implantation bleeding. Or at the very least, hope that AF stays away until Monday. DH will be able to get off of work easier to take me to my appointments.

Sigh, this sucks. I thought waiting to test sucked, but this BLOWS.

11DPO test

The photo makes it look like there's possibly a line, but there isn't. Well there is but it's just a no color indent thing going on. 95% sure it's BFN. BOOOOOOOOOO

Just so damn discouraging. I know that this cycle was a HUGE step in the right direction since I ovulated, but it still sucks when it's not successful. I don't want to TRY any longer. I hate it. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions, I hate NOT having a family yet! It's so fucking frustrating!!!

Yeah there's still a chance I could still get a BFP this cycle, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much with that.

Also my temp dropped this morning. Could've been because I took it earlier but I doubt it.

If I'm not pregnant, then WTH is up with the lightheaded dizzy spells?

Friday, June 11, 2010


Stupid fucking tests.
Damnit... why do they have to tease me. It wouldn't be nearly as bad if BOTH tests just came up BFN.

And I'm feeling so completely and utterly alone right now. I have no one in my life that I can talk to about any of this, and the forums that I go to.. seems like everyone has been moving on.
Those forums are my only form of support right now and it just feels like I have none. I'm not saying that there actually isn't any, I'm just emphasizing how lonely I'm feeling atm. I think it would be better if I had SOMEONE in my real life to talk to about all of this.
I don't want to complain constantly to DH about any of this b/c I know he just won't get it and I just don't want to put my stress on to him.
I hate this feeling. Feeling like I want to scream, or just bawl my eyes out but I can't. Feeling like my heart is on the floor and I just can't pick it up. Feeling so damned trapped in infertility.
Damnit, I hate this so much. I just want the next step in our lives to start. I want this void in my heart to be filled finally. I hate feeling so fucking hopeless.
I'm so desperately trying to keep hope alive, but it's not working. That heartbreak when each day passes and nothing.
I'm so defeated right now.

Trigger progression

Got bored. Decided to paste all of the trigger progression photos together to show what it looked like compared to eachother.

10DPO tests

Here are this morning's tests.
I'm still getting a line on the IC. A COLORED line, but got nada on the FRER.
I'm very frustrated and losing hope right now b/c of it.

I'm trying not to lose too much hope since it is still a little early, but Sigh..... just sucks.  If there is a little eggbert in there... I hope it's just getting comfy right now and will make its presence known on tomorrow's test.
I can feel my heart dropping at the thought of NOT being pregnant.
Don't get me wrong, I love that we actually have a chance, but with how long we've been trying, I was just hoping that.. well... we wouldn't have to try any longer.
Damnit..... give me my BFP!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


So.... maybe it's just my body's way of dealing with the progesterone or something, but thought I might as well list the symptoms I've had today.

I've been light headed all day today with dizzy spells here and there.
Also getting hot flashes. It was ok mid-day, then it started back up again tonight.
I've also been feeling twinges down in uterus-ville all day long. Just really slight, but I'm positive it's from the lady bits and not intestinal.
Also speaking of intestines.... I've only pooed once today which is NOT normal for myself since starting metformin.
I take 1 met at lunch, and 2 at dinner.
I'll usually poop about an hour after taking them both times. The 2 at dinner really mess me up and ends up giving me diarrhea. It's like clockwork...
But not today. The poo was still in between diarrhea and soft serve, but it still only occurred once instead of 2-3 times in a row. I find it weird b/c I've eaten some spicy stuff and that usually does me in as well.
So *shrugs*
I just hope tomorrows test shows me something good!

Another test

I took another test with some better pee.
The line came up within 2 mins and it does have color.

BUT, I also took an FRER. I thought it was more sensitive, so it would really show the line well. Nope, it was a BFN. So I'm not sure what to think. Is the IC more sensitive? Is it just a faulty test? *shrugs*

I'm excited, but trying to keep it under control since if it's not faulty, then it could still be the trigger shot.

Symptoms so far today.
Lightheaded & I'm getting more frequent dizzy spells.
Was getting some hot flashes earlier, but those seem to have gone away.
Also getting some very slight cramps down there. Seem to be occuring in the middle towards the right. Yesterday the twinges and things I felt was more on my left side. Not really near the O area though.

Really can't wait for tomorrow to see what the test does next. Hopefully get darker!

9DPO Test

So, here's today's test. I swear I see a line (not in the photo, but IRL), but since it's so faint, I'm not sure if it has color or not.

Going to take another test later with a much better urine sample. I keep waking up at night having to go pee. Maybe it was the HCG shot that first caused it, but now my body has gotten used to it.
I would ignore it, but my bladder or something is pressing against my uterus and causing extreme discomfort so I can't just go back to sleep. Really annoying!

So yeah... another test coming later. Even if a line does show, I can't get too excited about it b/c it could still be the trigger shot. Never know.
Now if a test tomorrow came back darker, then I'd start getting excited hehe

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Feeling down right now.
I hate having pity parties for myself, but damnit, you can't help it sometimes.

Looking at one of the boards that I go to. Looking at all of the BFP threads, and then headed over to the Pregnant boards and reading labor stories.

I just can't help but feel so jealous and frustrated and completely and utterly hopeless that I'll never be able to join the women there.

There they are, enjoying their new BFPs, and getting SO excited. And all I can think about is how I may never experience that.

Or reading labor stories, which usually doesn't bother me, now it's making me feel so depressed that I may never get to go through that.
That I'll never have a baby bump, or have a little one that's a little bit of me and a little bit of DH.

Sigh, I want this so badly. I wish the days would fly by so I could test some more. So I wouldn't have to sit here and wonder what's going to happen. So I can mourn if this isn't our cycle once again.

I so want it to be though. More than anything, I want this.

DH's best friend will be visiting us next year probably. His family is taking a road trip, sounds like across the eastern coast and they'll be stopping here.
I want to introduce to them our new LO. I don't want to have to look at their family, feeling envy that they have their family and I still don't.
SIGH....... please... please...... I'm not a religious person (I'm agnostic), but if there is something out there listening to my pleas..... please give me what I want.

Day 11 Trigger shot

Finally, it seems that the hcg has left the building. Or at least enough to where I can't see it anymore.
At least now I'll know that whatever line I do it from here on out, it'll be the real thing.

Trigger shot Day 10 dried tests

Decided to take photos of the first test dried just to show that I'm not crazy and there was a line on it lol.

These I took a little later. I was just curious to see what the OPK would do and I wanted to see if more concentrated urine would give me a darker HPT line.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Day 10 Trigger shot

Still getting a line on the tests! This one I can see the color in it a lot easier than yesterdays. And I saw that the line came on it right away, so n doubt that it's an actual line and not an evap.
I think my tests would be darker if my urine was more concentrated. May test again just to see if that's true or not. That is if I can hold it in long enough to get a good sample.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Day 9 Trigger

Welp, here's day 9. There's a very faint line still. At first I wasn't sure if it was just an evap or HCG, but as the test dries, you can see that there was color. So I'm fairly certain it's still the HCG in my system.

My sports bra is back on! I took it off yesterday to take a shower, we went out and I wore a regular bra, took that off once we were home, and felt fine. My boobs weren't really sore anymore, so didn't think anything of it when I went to bed.
Every single time I turned, I woke up b/c my boobs were killing me! I finally had enough and got back up to put my sports bra back on (I need to find my other ones). And my boobs instantly felt better.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Funky feeling

Woke up today with a really weird kinf of painful feeling on my right hip area. Not sure where it is exactly, but in that general area.
Thinking maybe it could possibly be cysts that have gotten too big? I hope not though.

Hurts whenever I sit down or bend, but goes away if I don't move for a bit.
AND my lower back is starting to hurt. Greaaaaaaat.
I better be pregnant!

Trigger shot Day 8

There might be a super faint line still on the test. I'm not sure if it's just the cheapy always there line indent evap thing, or still the trigger. I think maybe still the trigger.

I've been getting some weird cramps down there. Last night, I had more ovary twinges from both sides, but mainly the right. Maybe it's not ovary twinges but twinges from the fallopian tubes?
Sigh, I just hope I start getting a nice BFP line that just keeps getting darker and darker :D

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Day 7 Trigger

This was taken with SMU. There's still a super faint positive so HCG still in my system :)
I think by day 9 it will be undetectable.

Also, I keep waking up an hour earlier than usual. I've even been trying to stay awake longer just so I'd sleep to my usual time, but NOPE, not working. BLEH.
My BBT was just over 98 at 8:30 this morning. I used one of those BBT adjuster things to get my possible temp for my usual time which bumped it up to 98.28.

Friday, June 4, 2010

6th day Trigger

Urine sample today wasn't very concentrated so the line on the test didn't show up very well.
there IS a line still though.
I may take another test later if I can get a good concentrated sample.

My temp rose today. I'm not fully trusting it though. I know, I shouldn't worry, but I just can't help myself.
I'm really not feeling stressed over it, just worried.
I think I'll feel better if my temp remains high tomorrow. I've been burned so many other cycles though so... we'll see.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Trigger day 5

So... as you can see by the tests, the trigger shot is on its way out of my system.

Wish I had some news about my temps, but nope. I woke up an hour and a half earlier than usual and couldn't get back to sleep. So my temp for today is a no-go.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Day 4 Trigger shot

So here's my day 4 photo. The line on this HPT is a little darker than the one yesterday. I had a better hold this time so that probably helped.
HCG still going strong in my system though. Kinda sucks that the HPT lines aren't darker. I mean it would've just been easier to see when they started to lighten up so I would know when the trigger was out.

Ok I admit it.... the TWW does suck. Well, any waiting while TTC sucks ass lol. This is going to be a looooong TWW. I can't wait, and I'm also dreading it :P
At least I hope I'm in the TWW now. My temp did go up a little bit, but not much. We'll see I guess.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Officially BD'd out!

No more BDing! My lady bits needs a rest!!!
I don't know how the hell we did it so much when we were younger and went at it multiple times a day, for days in a row rofl. Oh to be young again!

So... hoping that my BBT tomorrow will be up. So nervous that it won't be though. SIGH
If no temp rise, then... more BDing.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it, but I need a rest! lol

3rd Day Trigger shot

The HPT is starting to look lighter, but that could just be the test.

I'm a bit concerned that my BBTs haven't really changed though. They're pretty high to begin with, so hoping that since they've started off so high, I won't get a really good temp shift.
We'll see I guess. Just have to keep the BDing up just to cover our bases.