Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Damn you emotions!

I actually made myself depressed last night.
Told DH that we could possibly have a 15yo right now if my body worked.
Then I started joking with him about the type of baby we should adopt and why is it illegal to 'buy' a baby, when that's exactly what adoption is :P lol
Anyway, it all still made me depressed.
I really hate infertility. It's just so unfair and too fucking expensive!!
I wish people would think before they commented that IF couples should just adopt.
Uh huh, b/c all of us IF have twenty thousand plus dollars just laying around to use for adoption. NM that adoption isn't for everyone for various reasons.

Before, honestly, adoption wasn't for me. But as the cycles go on, with each passing m/c.... the idea of it doesn't concern me as much any longer.
I still want bio children, but now I feel like I'd be able to love an adopted child equally.
The idea of adoption scares me though. Being scrutinized so harshly, the money, the possibility of the bio mother wanting her child back. Very scary.
I don't think we're quite there yet though, but it's definitely a real option now.
DH and I will have to have a long discussion on what we want to do.


Diet has been ok. Since for the past few weeks, we've been SO awful during weekends, our weight loss is going the other way.
DH has gained back a few pounds and I'm back up to 197. I think it was only natural for my weight to go back up since the m/c probably had something to do with it before, but DH's weight shouldn't be.
We're going to try to be a bit more strict these next couple of weeks before our trip and then afterwards, continue to be stricter.
We'll still have our cheats, but not AS bad.

My dreams have been pretty funky these past few days.
Like the one I had right before I woke up.
Dreamt that for some reason the world was flooded. Not all of it, but where he was. He was some kind of water sprite thing that wanted to get it on and of course, I complied lol.
We're trying to figure out some positions, but it gets awkward, and we feel like things could get better if we find some solid land.
So we swim over to this trailor home that's about a foot in the water. We go up on to the porch, try DTD there, but there's still too much water.
So he breaks in to the home. I get nervous b/c I dunno who lives there, but he seems like he's done this before.
We go in, and it's obvious someone is currently living there. Helps that there are 2 giant rottweilers in the home and they're mean.
Suddenly, the woman that lives there comes barging in and chases us out of the house. BUT weird thing is is that she has the face of a rottweiler.
Anyway, we run for it, and it's a cheesy romantic com moment where we're laughing while we run away w/ this woman screaming at us that she'll kick our butts if she sees us again.
DH mentions that he knows of another place that he def knows is abandoned, so we head over there, and I wake up as we make our way.

I've had weirder ones than that, but that's the only one I remember.
I don't think these dreams mean anything, but wanted to mention them anyway.

Tested again today. Still BFN :P
Honestly, I dunno what I'm expecting to see lol
Part of me of course hopes for a miracle, but I know that's just not going to happen.


Ericka said...

Next time someone tells me to "just adopt" I'm going to ask them to give up their baby...or to have one for me...see if they still have the same thoughts.

Diana said...

"just adopt"... Easier said than done people!!! Grrrr!!

I'm sorry you are going throughout alot of emotions. I will pray that you find some peace soon and have a clear head of what your next step should be. Sending you lots of virtual hugs!

SLESE1014 said...

I have always hated the "WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT" people out there. It really sucked when my aunt brought it up and she adopted all 3 of her children. Things have changed quite a bit since 1968. It's not as simple. And with the whole open adoption thing and everything else that goes in to it, it's just as emotionally wrenching as IF treatments.

I hope you feel better soon and your trip is a wonderful getaway!!!

As for the wacky dreams....you're definitely not alone there! Been having some wacky ones myself!