Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Oh come on already!!

So no dress.
The one I originally wanted was out of stock. I checked today again for the hell of it, and *gasp* It is in stock! And in my size! WOO!
So I rush to order it... few hours later.... email saying that my order has been cancelled. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.
Frickin websites.
So yeah, I'm still dressless. Thinking about just taking a trip tomorrow or Friday w/ DH and go dress shopping somewhere. There's a dressbarn right by our grocery store that I'll check out. So frustrating.

And my body is totally teasing me.
I woke up, used the bathroom and had an ever so slight discoloration when I wiped. Of course me being obsessive, I noticed it and checked up the hooha. Once again very slight discoloration. I figured it was probably just from DTD the night before.
Used the bathroom couple hours later... WOO there are 2 tiny tiny streaks of blood on the tp! YAY!
Now? Frickin nothing!! No discoloration, nada!!
So the tiny pinprick streaks must've either been from DTD or me checking up my nono region.
Hopefully I'm wrong and AF will start soon, but yeah... it's not looking too promising.

Bitter Betty at your service!!

It's about that time again for some bitching to occur! This no AF thing is just pissing me off even more.

So yeah... I'm SO damn tired of seeing women who have 3+ children all damn surprised when they get their BFPs.
I'm not talking about ones that have been trying for another for a while, I'm talking about the ones that have a few month old baby and most of their children are very close in age.
I just look at their newly gotten BFP tests and their excitement along w/ the bajillion children they list in their sigs and can't help but think "Really bitch??"
So the 3 or 4 or hell, even 5 other frickin kids you have, one being only a few months old wasn't proof enough that you're fucking fertile?? Why are you so damn surprised that you're knocked up again??
Good for you! But will you just shut up and go away with your super uterus already??

ANYWHO....... I have absolutely no news and it's pissing me off!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Nothing, Nothing, and more nothing!

I swear, I don't think I've ever wanted AF to show up more than I do right now. This is so frickin frustrating.
The more days that pass, the more I think that I really did take the provera at the beginning of a new cycle.
IF I did, then WTH is gonna happen? Will it just continue on as normal? Whatever the hell that is.

Anyone ever read of someone doing that?

I'm sure I'll be ringing up the doc's office tomorrow night w/ news of still no AF.

Other than that, everything is peachy............

Monday, August 29, 2011

Wanna look like a super model?

Then eat more coconut oil!
Ok so not really look like a model, but still.... apparently Miranda Kerr is a big fan of coconut oil, and for good reason!

Great article that briefly explains why coconut oil is so good for us.
Come on people.... time to get our heads out of the sand now and start realizing that not all fat is created equal. Eating good healthy fat such as coconut oil and animal fats are NOT going to make you fat.
You know what is? Those supposedly "healthy" whole grains/wheat you're shoving in to your mouth by the truckload.

WTF body? Get with the program!

No frickin AF yet!! WTH?
It should've started yesterday.
And trust me when I say... I am NOT pregnant.
If I ever got any kind of line on a test, this would be the first place I'd post it. I wouldn't hold out and not post it lol.
I even took an FRER. I can see a 2nd line but I'm 100% positive it's the slight indent that I'm seeing. Already taken it apart and yep, it's just the indent.

My nipples are still sore & larger, but they're not darker like they are on the trigger shot.
I think that will be one of my first pregnancy symptoms if I can ever manage to stay pregnant for longer than a few days. I think my nipples will remain nice and dark if I'm pregnant.

Also my temps are way too low to be pregnant.

So yeah.... I'm thinking maybe that spotting I was experiencing before could've been just a weird light AF. Which basically means that I took provera at the beginning of a cycle.

Going to wait until Wed (Thursday actually), and if nothing by then, I'll call up the RE and see what they want me to do.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Why is it so damn hard to find flattering big girl dresses that are trendy and don't look like something an 80yo school teacher should be wearing???
Trying to find a new dress for the upcoming wedding and it is a pain in the damn ass!
I have an awful body shape. Small boobs compared to the rest of my body, but EVERYTHING that is my size is for big boobed women! It just looks wrong on me.
Or things that could be ok look awful b/c of my big fat gut. UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
AND apprently plus size gals MUST have teeny tiny skinny girl arms. WTF dress makers? Last time I checked, a lot of fat girls also have fat arms that can't fit in to those tiny frickin tubes you call sleeves!
How about offering more dresses w/ wider pretty sleeves damnit! Not everything has to be frickin halter, spaghetti strapped, cap sleeve, whatever shit.
And don't get me started on the prices for some of this stuff.
There needs to be a store for women like myself. Priced to wear for only a few times b/c I don't like dressing up. lol


We actually went to Kohl's earlier to look for dresses. They're having an AMAZING sale, so if you have one near you, GO NOW.
Got myself 2 more capris. Think one was 13 and the other 6. Best part though, one was a size 14 and the other a size 12!!!!
Yes, the 12 is obviously a large 12, but still.... a frickin 12!!
I actually thought it was a size 14 at first b/c that was the number on the hanger and I forgot to check the size in the pants. They fit perfectly fine though. I had to straighten up just a tiny bit to button them, but it wasn't like sucking in my gut for dear life or anything and they felt perfect after zipping them.
So yeah, even though no dress.... getting those 2 pants in those sizes made my day heh.

We FINALLY went to that steak place tonight. It was.. meh, kind of a let down. It was good, but some of the meat they served was SO salty it was almost inedible. Think it was just b/c we got the outside charred part.
It was so good though and the beef was so tender.
I didn't eat nearly as much as I thought I would. I filled up on water trying to combat the saltiness and they take a while to come around w/ some meat that you actually want.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Pregnant Primal

I was reading a blog entry from a woman who remained paleo while pregnant.
Here's a link to the article.
I found it so interesting, especially after reading a few other women's experiences while being primal as well.

If you don't want to click on the link. The basics.
She has PCOS (she's a thin-cyster). Didn't ovulate, didn't get her periods often at all. Didn't want kids, so PCOS was a bit of a blessing since she didn't have to worry about using birth control.
Well she went Paleo to help with her PCOS symptoms not thinking anything about her fertility.
3 months later, she became pregnant.
She remained paleo/primal throughout her pregnancy and experienced no morning sickness, no mood swings, great energy etc etc. Basically she had a fantastic pregnancy.
And her child is now one of those ideal children you admire and never think actually possible heh.

Her case doesn't seem to be all that rare for primal/paleo mommas either. A lot of them come to say that they had wonderful pregnancies and their babies are even tempered and well mannered as they grow.

I just found it all very interesting and think it's something to look in to if you are newly pregnant or hoping to be soon.

Meh.. not bad

I keep forgetting to update my blog! So many buddy groups and forums to update that I just end up forgetting.
Oh well, I'm here now!

I got MOST of my meds in yesterday. Seems the nurse forgot to put in my order for the trigger shot. That or she misheard me and thought I said I still had a trigger shot left over.
I got in 2 300u and 1 900u vial of follistim. Kinda pissed about the 900. All follistim vials are always overfilled by about 100u no matter what size. So if I had gotten 5 300u vials instead, that would've been an extra 500u of follistm.... that's almost 2 vials more worth of stuff!
Whatever though.
Hopefully this will be my last time needing to do injections. Get me my baby already!

I had some really bad ovary twinges yesterday. Could've been gas, but I doubt it. I've been gassy before and it has never had any effect on my right ovary.
I think it was a cyst. Maybe it rupturing or something, I dunno. I just hope there's nothing there to prevent us from trying.

I should be going in on Monday for the baseline if AF shows when I think it will. Hard to say though since my body is acting funky. My nipples are still pretty dang sore. Guess I can't use that as a possible preg symptom next time. Well, if they get sore AND darken, that will be a good sign.

Erm what else.... *shrugs* Feels like I wanted to mention something else but I can't remember. Oh welp!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

HA I remembered! I dunno how I forgot to mention my weigh in today! lol
I'm down 1 more pound which brings me to 190! YAY!
I was actually afraid it was going to be more but PHEW thankfully not.
Still hoping to see that 180something weight soon! I just hope the follistim doesn't cause me to blow up like a fat filled balloon lol.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Just one more!

One more provera tonight and that's it! WOO!
I'm SO pumped for this next cycle! Just have a good feeling about it. Hopefully that good feeling means something, but I'm just excited to get this going!
I am a little afraid that I'll have OHSS. No idea what my body is going to do on the large dose again and with how it reacted before w/ the gawd-awful bloating I experienced.... I dunno, that kind of scares me.

Other than that I'm just ready! Come on June baby or May... either or heh.

Had a bit of a snag earlier. Had a weird credit card charge so the card was frozen. Pharamcy called telling me that the card was declined. Had DH call the CC company up and it was all cleared. WHEW.
I should still be getting my meds tomorrow thankfully.

Nipples are still sore. I'm not worried about it or anything, but it just makes me wonder why. Just one of the many mysteries of my body I guess.
It is a torture device though.
Me: Leave me the debit card so I can go to soandso.
DH: Why?
Me: So I can buy thisandthat.
DH: Hmmm... Nope *sneak nipple pinch attack!*
Me: ACK!! *runs away* or *smacks him a couple times*
DH: *Giggles like a school girl*

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Noooooo *shakes fist to the sky*

Damn provera is making me gain weight.
Sure we cheated a little this weekend w/ our food, but I was MUCH better about what I picked. Absolutely NO sugary cheats this time around.
But still, I know the provera is causing some weight to stick and that sucks. BLEH

No telling what the hell follistim is going to do to me. HOPING not to gain any weight from it but pfft, who knows.
A bit scared I may have some cysts. Both ovaries are feeling a bit sore whenever I lay on either side. It will be interesting to see what they look like during the baseline, but I'm terrified that giant cysts are going to show that's going to force us to wait once again.
MAN that would suckity suck suck!
Fixing myself some split pigs feet for lunch.
Now before you all run and puke lol, don't knock it until you've tried it.
It's a southern thing I guess heh.
I don't particularly like the skin that's still on the foot. I USED to, but after taking a bite out of one that still had some prickly hair attached? Uhm... yeah... NO THANKS. I cut it off and feed it to the dogs.
And don't get me started on what they feel like raw. It's just frickin weird feeling the skin b/c it feels like loose ppl skin. Creepy as hell.
Boy, I'm making them sound SO YUMMY huh? lol

While on the topic of weird food. Forgot to mention when we went on that trip a while back, we tried gator and frog legs for the first time.
Gator, meh, it was in these tiny little bites and I can't really remember the taste of them. I remember it being chewy though and very white. I'm sure it would've been better eating some at a place that knows how to cook them. Like somewhere in Florida or Louisiana.
The frogs leg were just.... weird. The meat, once you get past all of the veins def does LOOK like chicken, but do not be fooled by everyone that says it tastes like it! NO IT DOESN'T... or at least the ones we had didn't.
It tastes JUST like a VERY overcooked piece of fish.... same texture and that same kind of taste as well.

Friday, August 19, 2011

HCG diet craziness!!!

I'm sure we've probably all heard of this diet but don't know what exactly goes on with it other than taking HCG to help with weight loss.
I still don't understand it all, but it sounds SO dangerous.
Lemme explain from what I was told.
Basically, you go on an EXTREMELY limited calorie diet while taking HCG.
It's only something like 500 calories a day, and the food you're eating are basically primal/paleo food.
Come the Fuck on people. Seriously???
How on earth are you NOT going to lose weight only eating 500 calories a day??? It's not the damn HCG making you lose weight, you are STARVING yourself!!
I'm sorry but this fad diet just pisses me off.
SO many just swear by it and that they lost so much weight. Well no frickin shit sherlock! Who the hell isn't going to lose weight by basically starving themselves??
You don't need a damn HCG shot to lose weight when you're only eating the equivalent of one damn meal a day.... and not even a GOOD one at that!

Phew, ok rant over! Wish you could just shake some sense in to people sometimes. Just.. 500 a day.... uuuugh it seriously makes me groan. That is NOT safe.

189? Nope

No, I didn't see 189 this morning unfortunatly, but I did see 191 on the dot which is still down a pound from last week. YAY! :D
I'll take any loss at this point hehe.
I know I'll see that 189 soon so I'm not worried about not making that goal today.

It is still weird losing weight this way though. I mean come on, we're all taught that low fat low calorie is the way to go to lose weight! I mean duh of course low calorie will do something, but it always leaves you feeling hungry and deprived.
And low fat, EVERYTHING is low fat so at least that's easier to do.

But then doing what I'm doing... full fat this, big juicy steaks that... it just doesn't seem possible that anyone would lose weight and that they'd fall over dead rofl.
Just shows what kind of completely false information we've all been fed since we could understand it.
I mean seriously, I was eating heavy whipping cream last night. It's 50cal per tablespoon ALL of it is fat. And here I am, 1 pound lighter than before. Hell, I ate a pack of bacon for lunch yesterday! Yes, an entire pack of thick cut bacon, AND I have that at least once or twice a week depending on if it was on sale lol.
Even though I've adopted this lifestyle now, it's still hard to believe that it really works.
It really does make sense once you read everything about it though (which I do recommend to anyone struggling to lose weight).

No exercise today.... mostly b/c I'm feeling REALLY lazy. I'm gonna have to get out of this funk. I blame the provera, but not sure if it is actually the provera causing this.
Oh well, guess we'll see once I stop it.... er well, and after AF since AF always drains me as well.

1 weird note... usually provera will make my temps jump up to post-O range b/c it's progesterone. My temps have remained kind of low. I mean hell, yesterday's temp was 97.30something. That is WAY lower than where it should be. Today's was 97.82 which is closer but still not where my usual post-O temp is. I'll have to keep an eye on it next cycle. From the looks of it, my pre-O temp is going to be much lower than before.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


I did not have that craving tonight! WOO!
I think it's b/c of the whipped whey protein stuff.
I think the fat in the heavy cream and the sweetness of the whey really helped to calm any kind of craving I was having.
That heavy cream is pure fatty goodness. You have a spoonful of it and your lips are slickened. Really good stuff, but you can't eat a lot of it.
This is gonna be a good go to food to calm a sweet tooth. It's good for us, packed full of protein and healthy fat AND you really can't eat a lot of it b/c of the fat content. Well, at least I can't.

Anxious to see what my weight is tomorrow morning. Hoping to at least be back down to 192 again.

Whey protein ice cream!

About to go make some. DH bought this cookies and cream flavored stuff that smells AMAZING. It smells like coffee which I love but DH, meh. heh.
Anywho, I'm going to try experimenting a little with it and try to come up with something that will be a nice healthy dessert.

Exercise today was ok. Did a bit more weight training. Some bicep curls, back flies etc.
Also did finished it off w/ high intense stuff at the end.
Feels like my fitness level is going backwards right now. Oh well. Just have to keep pushing forward.

Must.... Eat.... FOOOOOOD

Holy moly... thank goodness we do not have any junkfood in the house because last night, I would've eaten EVERYTHING!
I seriously would've baked a cake if we had sugar lol.... that's how desperate I was for something.
Damn provera!
It's also causing some pretty funked up dreams. Just weird ones. Too bad none of them are BFP dreams, but meh... I enjoy weird dreams too heh.

I def think it's causing my weight loss to stall. I'm fine with that b/c I know I've been sticking to my diet so it's not my own fault for any kind of gain or lack of a loss.
I won't be seeing that 189, but I will see it eventually. Hopefully next week! Just have to make sure I'm not THAT bad this weekend like I was last time lol.

Should be hearing back from the follistim pharmacy today. They called yesterday, not sure why they just couldn't complete the order then, but whatever.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Eh, meh...pfft

I did a little bit of exercise, not much at all.
Just did about 15mins of easy rowing and about 28 squats and that was it.
I'll do better tomorrow though. Like I said, it's just so hard to get back in to the swing of things after resting.
Resting is so nice and lazy and awesome lol
Well.... wasn't a total rest yesterday. Had to clean out a 10gal tank.
10gal, not big at all, but I really let this tank go. Got totally overgrown w/ plants and was just dirty as hell b/c it's difficult to clean.
I'm still not totally done with it.

Anywho, not important.
I think the progesterone is really helping me sleep a lot more soundly, BUT it's also making me pretty low energy during the day. Oh well.
Plus it's making me HUNGRY and for bad stuff! I must resist though!
I already ate WAY too much today. Nothing bad, but I still feel guilty for pigging out lol.

Time to do some research

I'm going to have to look up whatever information I can on ways to help implantation. Of course nothing probably will help, but it won't hurt to try something.
I am excited for next cycle, but I'm so afraid it's going to be another disappointment or worse, another heartbreaking chemical.
I hate that infertility has totally sucked any kind of innocence out of this. Instead of just being hopeful and excited, there's always fear and depression.

Anywho... weight back up to 194 this morning. Honestly, I'm not worried about it. I have no idea what my body is going to do on provera, so if my weight goes back up some I'm not going to sweat it.
I did have a slightly carby dinner last night.
Fixed some veggie chicken soup. Tomatoes, carrots, celery and onion. Yummy but all of those carrots and tomato really bumps upt he carbs. At least it's good carbs though :)

Alrighty, I'll be back later. Have to figure out what I'm going to do for exercise today.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

193, not bad

Weighed again this morning and came in at 193. Not too shabby. Weekend weight is still coming off.
I think we'll indulge a bit this weekend as well, but not AS much. No more X amount of donuts that I inhale lol.

Actually surprised it's already at 193 since it felt like I ate a lot yesterday. So glad I started doing this again, not just because of the weight loss which well, is the main reason, but b/c I'm not feeling as hungry as I used to which is just such a huge relief.
It sucks being hungry!

And because it was asked. Next cycle, I'll be doing the same thing as my other injection cycles. Follistim, microdose HCG every day until the trigger shot, then progesterone sups 4 days after the trigger.
No exercise for me today. I have some fish tank stuff I need to get done. I've been procrastinating about it b/c it's going to be stinky and messy, but I need to get it done. I know I won't want to do anything afterwards so yeah, just taking a break today.
Watched DH do P90X for the first time yesterday. GOOD LORD.
He did the workout that focuses on shoulder and back, so basically nothing but pushups and pullups. Holy crap that was a lot of stuff!! I don't see how he lasted through the entire thing!!
He pushed through it though. He was huffing and puffing and turning red in the face, but he did it. I'm so proud of him!
I don't think P90X is really a great workout though. WAY too long. Maybe good for doing it once or twice a week, but not every day.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention.
I started provera last night. By the time I went to bed, spotting had already stopped! WOOO!
Thank goodness!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Houston, we have lift-off!

Was thinking to myself, why wait to call tomorrow when I can just call today, so I did.
I waited until it was their lunch break though so I wouldn't have to actually talk to anyone. I'm such a weirdo. I HATE talking on the phone.
So yeah, I waited until I knew no one would answer and called so I could just leave a message :P lol

Anywho, got a call back a little while ago from the nurse.
Everything is good to go for next cycle. Our prior approval for the insurance is good up until Sept 3rd, so we're still covered until then.
She said she's going to order my meds later this week and I'll be starting on 175u again.
MAN that seems like SO much. Dang high maintenance body heh.

She did ask how long go my last period was and I lied. I'm so bad. I dunno why I did. Maybe thinking they'd tell me to wait longer to see what happens. I feel bad about it, but too late now. If they ask about it whenever we go in, I'll tell them about the last 2 cycles.

*pokepoke* What are you doing down there?

Still spotting. What else is new. SIGH

Just when I think it's going to get heavier, it lightens up, or vice versa.

Whatever, I'm over it!

Exercise today was meh. It's always so difficult to get back in to it after a day of rest. At least for my lazy ass it is hehe.
I did my usual thing minus the high intense interval thing. I just did an extended high resistance session on the eliptical machine.
Everything else was basically the same though.
I'm back to 194 today, so that's 5lbs to lose to get to 189. Hope my body can do it!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

So many carbs!

Yes, I'm turning in to one of those people right now lol.
There are just SO many carbs in everything out there!!
DH and I basically said screw it last night and went to town on carb loading, same as Friday night lol.
It's so bad and I know I'm going to be starting this week off at a higher weight than Friday.

Looked up some Taco Bell nutrition before we left. About had a heart attack for the amount of carbs in everything! Some of it wasn't THAT bad, but come on, who the hell other than a small child is satisfied eating ONE frickin taco?
I had 3 fresco chicken soft tacos. Think they're either 21 or 22g of carbs a piece. Some of that is from the tomato, but most is from the shell. BLEH. I also had a piece of cake they gave out which was SO sweet it about made my teeth want to jump out of my head.
We then just said F it, and went and got some icecream afterwards. SO yeah.... my carbs for yesterday were through the roof.

Oh well, back on the low carb train today.

End of last week, I FINALLY started to not feel hungry all the time. I remember it taking a little while the very first time we did this as well. Felt hungry all the time, and then suddenly,it just sort of stopped. I think if I do feel hungry after dinner, it's more a habit kicking in wanting a dessert.

I'm still bleeding.
I thought it may have been AF last night about to actually start, but nope. It has now lightened back up. This reminds me of my cycles before we got any kind of medical help. I constantly bled.
Not sure why that would be happening now other than the low carb thing, but why on earth would THAT be causing this? Just don't know.

Hell, it could still be AF about to come. If I O'd on cd12... I would be 11dpo today. Maybe my body is just screwy and these have been pre-AF spotting days or something and the witch will appear later tonight or tomorrow.

Just hoping the RE calls me tomorrow. If bleeding hasn't picked up by then or even if it does, I'll call and get things moving along.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Oh and I forgot

A great article on BPA. You know, why we shouldn't be eating canned tomatoes and blahblahblah.
It's basically a load of crap that once again, the media blew WAY out of proportion without getting their facts checked.

BPA Link

So there ya go. If you were steering clear of canned foods, especially tomatoes, then you can enjoy your canned delicious foods once again with no fear.

Just stop already!

I dunno what the hell my ladybits are doing but they just need to stop it already! Stop it! You hear me??
Bad ladybits! Bad!


Yes I'm still spotting and it has gotten just a little heavier. It's reaching a pad. Still not a huge amount.. well, it does look like a lot when I wipe though. I dunno.... thinking this could be AF. Have my doubts about that since there's no actual flow, but it's been pretty consistant and it's red, so *shrugs*

I was SO bad last night.
We went out for chinese food. It was a Thai/Chinese place. I've never had Thai before so got this seafood soup. It was ok, but it smelled like sour feet.
Anywho, very little carbs. Great right?
Well I totally ruined that shit later on when we went to Krispy Kreme!
I'm not even going to say how many donuts I inhaled, but it was A LOT. DH looked at me like I had just swallowed a kitten whole after I was done rofl.

Anyway, b/c of that and b/c I didn't want 3 days of rest, I exercised today.
Squats, modified burpees, wall pushups, kettlebell stuff, high intense eliptical, high resistance eliptical, jumps, ab leg lifts, plank in pushup position.

Think that's it heh.
It's a lot of stuff, but what I did only took about 25mins.

We WERE supposed to go to this steakhouse tonight with all you can eat meat, but oh frickin no... we have some stupid ass B-day shit to go to at Taco Bell. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
Oh DH loves that shit, but seriously??? How can you even compare Taco stank to all you can eat STEAK?? And not just any steak, but filets, and flank, lamb, and whatever else the place has! SIGH.
I'm so pissed off about that right now.
Don't misunderstand. Nothing against celebrating someone's birthday, but really, Taco Bell??? REALLY???

Friday, August 12, 2011

OPK today and other junk

Took an OPK and HPT today. HPT just for the hell of it.
OPK is darker, but still not a +. I think it's only darker b/c there was a little bit of blood mixed in w/ the urine.

Yep, I'm still spotting. Booooooo... thankfully still not really reaching a pad, but still there when I use the bathroom. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's just a small smudge.
Still so annoying though.

Forgot to mention that we got the 10lb kettlebell yesterday afternoon. Looks like it was dropped b/c it is chipped in 2 spots. Not really a big deal, but it still pisses me off. Oh well.

I emailed my RE this morning. I figured I wouldn't hear back from him today anyway, so just went ahead and did it. If I do hear back, meh, if I don't... I'll give it until tuesday before I call.

Erm what else.......dernit, think there was something else, but I can't remember now.... oh well. If it comes to me later I'll post it :)

Well, that's a shocker

First, I'm still spotting. It's only there when I use the bathroom, but it's still red fresh blood.
It has to be b/c of my diet. Dunno what else would cause this to happen so suddenly and then continue to happen. Whatever.

2nd... my WI today went fan-frickin-tastic!!
So my weight has been fluctuating from 194-197... mostly 197 which it has been for the past few weeks most of the time.
I was expecting to get a WI today of 195 which I would've been more than happy with. Remember that I was weighing myself every day so this would've kept on track to what I was losing during the week.
Well I was wrong.
Got on the scale this morning after stripping down... and
Could not frickin believe it! lol I've hopped on the scale a few more times just to be sure. It jumped up to 193 1 sec, then back down to 192 the next, but whatever!! That is still a lot more than I thought! rofl
Boy, low carb does my body GREAT apparently lol. I'm sure the exercising has helped as well.

And speaking of exercise, none today. Woke up with the back of my thighs sore. Wasn't expecting that, but it's good to feel since it shows that whatever I did yesterday did something, ya know?

Thursday, August 11, 2011


Spotting again that is. Checked 'up there' for blood and there appears to be a considerable amount. Maybe not enough to actually cause a discharge other than when I use the bathroom, but it's there.
Wonder what the heck is going on?
Guess touching my possible cervix wasn't the cause of it after all.
Just another screwed up thing my body is doing.

Nope, not today

No +opk for me today. Boo :(
Wasn't expecting to get a + but it still sucks not to get it.
Both ovaries still ache if I lay on them so.. I dunno. Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll get a + this weekend. Who knows.
I'm not counting on it though.
I'm going to email my RE on Monday. Hate leaving a message on the phone b/c I never say everything that I meant to and it's talking with the nurse, not the RE. I'd rather email him so I can tell him what we'd like to do etc etc.

I dunno, I've actually been debating if we should just continue with this break a bit longer. Now that I've gotten back in to eating better for my body, maybe give this some time to heal me back up.
And we're still struggling w/ money a little bit and I know DH would like to pay off the credit card a bit more before we start adding more back on to it from doing injections.
Nah.... I mean it would probably be the better option, to wait, get healthier, get more money, but I just can't.
It breaks my heart to even think about waiting even longer.

Exercise done

Swinging that kettlebell around was FUN. Never thought I'd say that about exercising before lol.
I used the 15lber and did a 2 handed swing. Doesn't feel like exercising. It took a bit for it to feel like anything was going on, but it eventually did. Going to have to do that a lot more often along with some 1 handed ones as soon as I get that 10lb.

Also did a bunch of squats, wall pushups, 2 burpees. Modified of course. Was going to do more, but my toes hurt when I did them so going to cool off on those for a bit.
Erm what else.. oh I also did some high intense stuff. Well, not THAT intense. I took it slightly easier.
Used the eliptical and put it on 5 resistance. Did intense for 30sec, rest for 30 sec for 4.5 mins.
It's not true tabata, but my thighs were really feeling it after and it got my heart pumping more.

That's about it. I was going to do some ab stuff after, but I couldn't lift my legs lol. Too worn out.

I'll be back with hopefully a positive opk. Pfft

Do or die

Well, not really lol.
Just today is the day for the OPK. If it's still not positive today, then I know that I won't ovulate this cycle.
Scared, nervous.... not hopeful though.

I really think my poor eating these past few weeks has damaged my body again. Reverted it back to what it was doing before.
Would explain the diarrhea that I've been getting. It was just like how it had been before.
I only just started doing low carb again and that has already fixed itself. I must be REALLY sensitive to carbs for it to have such an impact on me like that.
Angry at myself for letting my body get back to this.

I think the scale is finally moving in the right direction again. I have my official weigh in tomorrow, but of course I've been doing it every day :P lol It's slowly been going down.
Even with this bloated feeling I have... that weight is going down again thank goodness. Just more proof that I'm once again doing what my body needs.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Changed the blog temporarily to this.
Still haven't really decided what I'm going to do to customize it. It's gonna happen eventually lol.

Ok then,...

I'm spotting some. So far, just when I use the bathroom. Put in a little bit of preseed (for some afternoon loving lol), and the applicator came out w/ a little more blood on it.

I did check my CM earlier and I could've touched my cervix, but I didn't scrape it or anything and you would think it would've bled a lot sooner than this. So yeah, I dunno what's going on.

Thinking it's probably something screwy with my hormones. I've been having really dull headaches lately. Not strong enough to have to take anything for them, just annoying. That's usually a sign that I'm either dehydrated or my hormones are going crazy.

Maybe eating less carbs is doing something? I dunno..... guess we'll see what happens.

Afternoon OPK

Yeah, as you can see, not a +.
It's darker than the one from this morning, but looks lighter than the dark ones I had a few days ago.
SIGH. Not looking good... not looking good at all.


I'm sure most if not all women dealing with fertility issues end up feeling this way.
Even though you know there are many others out there also struggling, you still can't help but just feel so totally and utterly alone on this difficult journey.
It's especially bad when it seems like everyone else is getting pregnant.
As always, it's nothing against those people, you're happy for them, but it just makes you feel SO bad for yourself and your situation.
I cheer on so many women during their pregnancies. I'm more than happy to and love hearing their updates, but it just kills me that I'm not there yet.

I don't feel empty... no... I feel hopeless and dread and sad.
Seems as though more and more of my posts are turning towards the depressing.

On another less depressing note.
Got 2 of the kettlebells today! YAY! It's the 15 and 20lb ones. They are really nice, especially considering the price paid for them. They're solid and heavy as hell!
I mean 35lbs isn't really that much weight, but 35lbs in such a small box feels like it weighs a ton! I could barely get the box inside!
I'm not going to be able to use either one of those, so just have to wait for the 10lber to get here. Should be here by tomorrow hopefully. If not, oh well, just do other stuff.

cd19, doesn't look good

Just checked cm and it's nothing but creamy stuff. Signs def don't point to ovulating any time soon :(

Guess we'll see what happens with my OPKs.
Already told DH that I'll give it until Monday, and if nothing, I'm going to call for provera, tell them what we want to do (which I do have to talk to DH about), etc.

Diet is coming along. Not struggling as much as I thought I would with reducing my carbs. I mean I still have cravings that I have to deal with, but it's not that bad.

I got DH to start logging his food. Not sure how long he's going to keep it up, but I think I finally got him to think about how much he was actually eating every day (and it was a good bit).
I think if he reduces it some, then his weight should start to melt off quickly. With as much as he works out, he'll be sporting some serious muscle soon heh.

Hoping with my own reduced carbs I'll be sporting a slimmer body. SIGH Only time will tell. FX that my WI this friday shows some movement downwards on the scale.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

BLEH! 2 more days

Or well, 3 actually.
No + opk today. It's actually lighter than it has been which doesn't exactly give me confidence that I'll O on my own again.
MAN do I hate PCOS and being FAT.
I know all of this jiggly fat isn't helping matter. If it would just hurry up and come off already! lol

It's like I truly believe that lowering my carb intake will jumpstart my weight loss again, but then there's the pity party part that doesn't want to believe it or give it time to work. Losing weight and Infertility can go SUCK IT!


I think I hurt my knees somehow. Either that or my knees are getting stronger and are just sore. Not sure if that's even possible lol.
Still, they're sore.
Took it a bit easier today.
Did 20min treadmill. Just slow walking with a minute of jogging.
Then I did some
wall pushups which I'm getting better at. I can do them better. Slower but better.
and a few ab leg lifts.
I also tried once again to do a girly pushup and I'm happy to say that I can almost do 1 now lol. I know that's so pathetic, but it is progress for myself. Considering that I couldn't even go down an inch before, I can almost go down completely.
Oh and I also did a short plank and stretches.

Nothing too strenuous b/c my knees are worrying me a little.

No OPK yet. I'll probably take one after I eat lunch.

Monday, August 8, 2011


I think I'm gonna have to start using dailyburn again to track what I'm eating. At least for a little while.
Just put in what I ate today. Had absolutely no fruit and 1 Pecan Pie Lara bar.
Frickin carbs are up to 50 already!!! I was going to eat a peach or apple as well, but pffft, not anymore. The lara bar alone is 24g of carbs! YIKES.
Going to have to be careful eating those. Eat fruit first and then eat those as a treat or something.

Going to have to go eat an egg. Feeling unsatisfied. May just need to drink more water..... hmm.... I'll drink water instead and see if that helps.

About the same?

Think so. OPK looks about the same as it did yesterday. Maybe a little lighter actually.

Sigh, so much for an earlier ovulation... if I even do that is.
I didn't get a + until cd20 last cycle, so maybe it'll do the same again this time. Hope so!

Fluke? Maybe...

Think the opk yesterday may have just been a fluke, or dark only b/c my urine was super concentrated. Hope I'm wrong, but I dunno.....
We'll see what my test looks like today.

Anywho, just got done exercising.
Did some squats. Chair assisted ones at first. I think those are actually harder to do b/c you don't have to really focus on your form much since you have the chair there to stop you. I then switched it over to just regular squats. Could tell that I'm getting better b/c I could squat lower. I'm still not real low or anything, but I'm slowly getting there.

I also did some wall pushups. Hurt my wrist at first so had to stop, then went back to them after a while.

What else..... I did some crunches and ab leg lifts.

I also jumped around like a fool lol. That was actually a lot of fun! We actually bought a real jumprope this weekend. I tried using it, but man, my coordination sucks lol. Easier to do invisible jumprope :P hehe
I started off doing those, then the Linkin Park song Blackout came on the workout cd, so I just started to jump around to the song. Doing run lunges, and just jumping side to side to the beat. GREAT great song to do that to and I think I'm going to do that a lot more often. It was working me out without it feeling like a workout.

I also did, or well, tried to do a tabata workout after all of this. Could only make it to 3 minutes again and just barely. I think I'm going to have to tone that down. Do 30sec w/ 30 sec rests. Take it slower and less intense and hopefully work my way up to do a real tabata session.

Stretched afterwards as well and I can finally tell that it's doing something. Once again, it's slow progress but at least it's progress. I'll be able to touch those toes one of these days! lol

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Close, but no cigar

OPK today is darker. IRL it looks pretty close to being a +, but just not quite there yet.

See how yellow it is? That's not from the lighting. That's from super concentrated ultra neon yellow from the B vitamins urine! lol
Seriously, it looked like food coloring straight from the bottle. Crazy, never saw that before.

Anywho, really hope that OPK is a + tomorrow!! Would mean that I'd hopefully be Oing earlier! YAY! We'll see though. My OPKs have been all over the place.

Bought some kettlebells online. We first went to Target looking for some. They had maybe 4 different kind. Really not very many and all of them were expensive. Some from Bob.. the trainer from The Biggest Loser. Came with a workout dvd, but for a 15lb one, it cost $44.
The ones I bought online from walmart. A set of 3, 10, 15, 20lbs.... $46, shipping was about $9. So yeah, I'd say that was a MUCH better deal!
I can't wait to get them!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Feeling really shitty right now

Damnit, where's that high you get after exercising?
I'm just feeling so shitty right now.
On he lists primal success stories on Fridays. And guess what today's story mentioned.
A woman that was a little overweight. Got pregnant 4 months after trying.
Everything was fine.
2nd pregnancy took a bit longer and she had 2 m/c before another finally stuck.
She adopted a primal lifestyle before trying for the third, and voila! Got pregnant with a sticky one on the first try and is due in Dec.

Just like a gawd damn kick in the face.
It sucks that she had to go through miscarriages.... but damn I wish it were that easy for all of us.
I mean really? First try and then BAM pregnant?

Yes, I'm still fat, but come on!! I'm not nearly as big as some of the women out there getting pregnant! Why the hell do I still not have a baby yet?

Doesn't help that today is Friday and we all know what that means.
I've been lucky this past month and not having to see HER, but I know we'll be going out tonight w/ the inlaws.

I'm so happy for DH's mother and father for getting their grandbaby, but man, it hurts so much knowing that it could've been 2. I don't want to see her. NM that she's just a huge bitch.... I just can't stand looking at her and seeing what I could've been going through as well.

I hate this so much.
Going to sound cheesy, but my soul hurts so much from this struggle. I know everyone says it's a strength to continue on like so many of us do, but it doesn't feel like it. Every bfn, every m/c just tears a part of you away. Every cycle where you have to sit back and see everyone else get pregnant, while you may be happy for them... a little piece of yourself dies.


Just got done exercising.
Did another high intense thing. Tabata or whatever it's called.
Good lord is it tough!!
Oh it sounds GREAT on paper. 4 minutes of working out? AWESOME!
But good lord it sucks when you're doing it! lol
It's 20sec of high intense, 10sec rest.
I didn't quite make it the entire 4 minutes.
I did it on the eliptical and good lord, my legs were about to fall off!! I had to stop at the 3min mark and my legs felt like jello afterwards.

After I rested a bit, I did a few wall pushups and some leg lift ab exercises.
Tried doing a girly pushup after that. I could get almost all the way down! YAY! lol
Slowly slowly getting somewhere.

I should probably do more, but I don't feel like it. Shouldn't say that and just do something, but seriously, tabata workouts are no joke. Feel like I want to puke right now lol.
Think whenever I do them again, do it AFTER I've done everything else.

WI today sucked. I knew I was going to be up this week, but it still sucked to see. I'm back up to 196.
I know it's b/c of my eating this week.
I've been eating WAY too much sugar... mostly from fruit, but I've snuck in a few starbursts here and there.
I've just been SO hungry this week and not feeling satisfied. I think it's b/c of the excess sugar, which just causes me to be hungry. Vicious cycle.

Going to have to keep that in check next week. Buy a lot more eggs and boil them for snacks whenever I'm feeling hungry.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Not bad

Not as sore as I thought I would be. Stomach is just a tiny bit sore. Shoulders and back are a little stiff, and the back of my thighs are a bit sore, but nothing awful.
I was planning on taking a break today anyway though so the soreness just gives me a better excuse to rest heh.

Need to vacuum anyway. Our carpet looks awful. Combo of stuffing from doggy toys and black dog hair ALL over the place.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

cd12, still neg

Think the OPK is actually lighter today :P
Oh well.
Hmmm... I need to stop posting videos. Not sure if it's just me, but it makes the page very jittery when I try to scroll down.

OOOO feels like my lower back is starting to ache. May need to stretch a little.

My right ovary was aching earlier today. *shrugs* Dunno what the hell either ovary is doing. Apparently a whole lot of nothing right now.

Alrighty, that's it for now. Gonna go rest on the couch.


Just got done working out.
Did something a bit different today.

I followed this workout er... timing? intensity?

It's basically running really fast for 30 seconds, resting for 30sec, running fast 30sec, resting 30sec. Do this for 4 minutes.
I did it on the eliptical and MAN my legs were about to fall off after! lol
It was difficult, but you can def tell that you're getting in a good workout. And come on, who can argue with doing it for just 4 minutes... 2 of those minutes resting! lol

I also did this

It's just some exercises that this person suggests doing daily at home or wherever when you can't get to a crossfit gym.
No fancy equipment or anything, just you.
I did day 1 which is
10 burpees
20 squats
30 situps.

I modified it of course.
For the burpees, I did the beginner version.

Was actually pretty simple and easy enough to do. I'm nowhere near being able to do a regular burpee since it requires you to do a pushup lol.

Squats were just normal squats.

And for the 30 situps, I did crunches and leg lifts instead.
I did 40 crunches. 10 regular, 10 for each side (where your lower half is turned to either side and you crunch up), and then 10 straight leg lifts.... hands under butt, legs straight out and lifting them up and down.

I also did about 10 wall pushups. Attempted to do a girly pushup lol, and a few jumprope jumps.

All of this took, hmmm, maybe 15-20mins, and lemme tell ya, I'm still feeling it now.
Doing all of that didn't take nearly as long as what I've been doing, but it feels like I worked out A LOT harder.
I think I'm going to stick to something like this. Still do long slow cardio on eliptical or treadmill, but put in short high burst intesity stuff. Maybe alternate days.

Fixing my lunch now. A nice big head of cabbage that I'm steaming/boiling. Yum :D

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Negative. It's about what it usually is. Maybe just a tiny bit darker. Nowhere near being a positive. Boo

Comparison shots

Took some photos of myself today to compare with ones from the past.
There's a difference! YAY! lol
Not a HUGE difference, but you can tell that I've shrunken down a bit.
I still have that damn belly though! UGH

Please excuse the blurry photo from today lol..... and the soap scum on the mirror :P lol

I love these shorts... they make my ass look so great in them! Now to just get that ass looking great OUT of them :D

Whatcha doin there?

My left ovary is aching for some reason. Hopefully b/c of a nice big follicle waiting to ovulate!
Pfft, I wish.

Slow start this morning as well. Slept in a bit. Not too long, maybe an extra 20mins.
Just got done exercising and fixing my lunch.

30mins eliptical
10 wall pushups

The eliptical, I upped the resistance to about a 7. Like trying to walk through moving water. Figured that would be enough leg workout so didn't bother with squats today.
My wrists are hurting when I'm trying to do the pushups now. Not sure what's going on there but didn't want to make it worse so only did a few.

Lunch is eggdrop soup.
Haven't posted a food photo in a while so here ya go
Made with chicken broth, gluten free chicken bouillion, salt, pepper, garlic powder, 4 lightly scrambled eggs. Yep, 4 eggs.
Yum yum :D

Feeling good so far. Going to start OPKs today.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Damn my uncreative mind! lol

I did exercise. Waited until 11 to start. No real reason other than just trying to delay it for as long as possible lol. I didn't want to eat lunch too late though so just sucked it up and did it.

I did 30mins on the treadmill.
About eh, 15 squats, 10 wall pushups, attempted to do a plank, jump rope, and I stretched.

I wanted to do more squats, at least 20 or more, but my legs just felt like jello. Not sure what was going on but they were not having any of the squating action. Felt fine on the treadmill, but it was just walking so.. meh.

I did a bit extra stretching though. I hope what I'm managing is helping b/c UGH I hate not being flexible! I barely was even when I was a skinny ass little kid. Sigh, I'm trying though. Guess that's all that can be done for now. Just keep on trying and hope these tight stiff muscles and tendons stretch out.


Yep, that's what DH and I did this weekend.
It was full of sugary delicious weight gaining awfulness!

My weight is up to 197 this morning lol. I shouldn't laugh, but it just shows how bad we were this weekend.
Lots of candy, cookies, chips and alcohol!
Well, alcohol only on Saturday night, but it was all still sugar shit.

Feel like crap this morning. Alwys do on overcast days.
About to go exercise before lunch. Don't want to, but I have to get back in to this.
Can't let the laziness get to me.. at least not until the weekend :P lol

Man... I can't believe it's August already. Still can't believe I'm not pregnant. Was so sure that this would be the year. That I'd finally be pregnant and I'd finally get to start our family.
Sigh.... so damn depressing even thinking about it, but how can I not?