Wednesday, May 26, 2010

In a mood right now

Okedoke, so my estrogen today came back 108. It went up so yay for that at least, although it's rising VERY slowly.
They've upped my follistim to 175 and I go back in on friday for another ultrasound and blood test.
Thankfully today's HCG shot didn't hurt that bad oh and the vial of follistim we were using almost had enough in it, but was 25 short. So thank goodness we got the vial from the RE's office.

This mood I'm in is weird. It's not a completely hopeless feeling, just.. I dunno, kind of angry, kind of a big pity party really.
I'm feeling kind of jealous at all of the women getting their BFPs.
Not the group of women in the buddy groups I'm in. I'm actually happy and excited whenever one of them gets their BFP.
It's the rest of them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing the finger at anyone in particular. This is just one of those illogical moods I'm sure we all get in to from time to time.

I'm really not angry at anyone in particular, just this whole situation.
It's like I go to these forums, and even though there are others who are having trouble as well, who have it worse than I do, you still can't help but feel like you're the only one.
Specially when you see nothing but BFP threads from women who only had to try for a cycle or 2.
On one forum that I go to, it's not that bad, b/c you can avoid most of the BFP threads by staying out of the POAS section.
But on the other forum that I post on, the infertility/TTC stuff is just one huge area. No subsections. So every BFP thread is posted there and you can't avoid them.
Yes the women struggle probably more than most b/c they have PCOS, but still.... that damn illogical part of me gets annoyed by seeing their BFPs.
Not annoyed at them, but at my own situation b/c it feels like I'll never have that joy. I'll never be able to post up my beautiful blazing BFP test. I'll never be able to give DH the onsie that I bought to surprise him with when I do get pregnant.
Just a big load of self pity..... BLEH
I don't like feeling this way, but have to get it out or it'll just fester and make me feel even worse.
Hopefully a nice loooong uninterrupted sleep tonight will make me feel better tomorrow.

I don't ever get that anxious feeling when I have an appointment the next day. I mean I'm anxious to go, but my heart isn't racing or anything like that.
You know that excited feeling so you can't sleep. Like X-mas eve when you were a kid and you never thought you'd get to sleep. Or if you did, you wake up every hour on the hour b/c you're so excited lol.
Yeah I don't get that feeling, but apparently my body seems to think it does b/c damnit, I just do not sleep well the night before my RE visits.

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