Me time!

Finally get some alone time!
Aren't vacations supposed to feel like they flew by? This one feels like it's just been dragging on for forever now!
I know it's b/c not every moment of it has exactly been fun, and a lot has been stuck in the car driving.
Oh well.

Anywho.... so, we went up to Virginia to Busch Gardens. I highly recommend going there.
Beautiful area, and a fun park.
Great rides, and at least on weekdays, not a lot of people. Well, there were a lot of people, but not a lot riding the rides. I think the longest we had to wait to get on a ride was 15mins, and that was only b/c the ride had broken down and they were running it a few times before letting anyone on it.
It was a really nice park though... not like Six Flags.
Busch Gardens actually thought their stuff through. Had a ton of seating in shaded areas, or had umbrellas up at their tables to create shade.

We tried to also go see Jamestown but we always got there just a little too late and it was closed. Meh.
It was gorgeous up there though.... at least in the areas we drove through. Really peaceful and pretty.

After that, we headed up to DC. BLEH.
It was only about an hour and a half drive, so we left early and walked around DC for the rest of the day. Frickin AWFUL.
DC was fine. Lots of people, but it was pretty to look at.
All of the walking was terrible though. My feet still weren't healed up and this just made it worse.
We were all miserable by the time we left.

After DC we drove to this one restaraunt that was on an episode of Man vs Food. They have a 6lb milk shake that DH wanted to get.
Well that area was frickin busy as hell too and it took us 30mins just to find a parking spot. It was a nice area, but a pain in the ass to navigate.

After that, we finally headed to the hotel which was like an hour or so away, so we didn't end up getting to it until almost midnight. It was a really nice hotel though. The Hyatt(sp?)... and it was pretty darn cheap too.

Then we drove back yesterday. The way back down here through Virginia. I guess people just shut their brains off b/c they forget how to merge on to the highway. Worst traffic!! We were stuck in 15mph traffic for 3 hours! No accident in sight.... just stupid assholes that don't know how to drive.

We got home at around 9:30 last night and I slept like a baby.
I get the appeal of staying in a hotel, but hotel sheets & pillows SUCK. They stick to you and just aren't comfortable. Came home to our nice soft sheets and pillows and passed out lol.

DH and the rest of them went out to see Cars 2. I don't really have any interest in seeing it so I opted to stay home. Heaven.... pure heaven.

We'll be heading out to Carowinds tomorrow. Hoping b/c it's a Monday, that it won't be too busy. And hoping that they'll have plenty of shaded seating as well.
And after Carowinds... I think on Tuesday, we'll be heading to the beach. That will be nice and relaxing as well... or at least SHOULD be.
I'm sure they'll come up with something that has us walking all over the damn place killing my poor feet even more.
__________

AF lasted its usual 7 day self. BOO for a long AF, but YAY that it was normal.
Wondering if it's going to happen on its own again. And if so, I hope it happens a little later this time b/c we aren't going to have any privacy at the beach to DTD.
I dunno if I will ovulate on my own though. Not with all of this crap I've been eating.
I mean it really hasn't been that much since we've been skipping a lot of meals, but it's still been way too many breads and sugar.

My weight has been flucutating between 202 and 198 this morning. I know I'm retaining a lot of water.
Hopefully by the end of this, my weight will still be under 200, but I'm really not going to worry about it.
Still excited to really start kicking my ass after all of this though. Get serious about losing weight and getting more fit instead of just sitting here and doing nothing.
I don't want to be skinny fat. I want to have a nice fit toned body that everyone will look at and wish they had lol.
Well, that or a nice big pregnant body :D I'd prefer that, but I'll take either.


And yeah, that's about it I think.
Hope my feet will last through tomorrow.

Quickie

Lull in between driving. We're home right now. Got in yesterday at around 5pm.
Sunday was Six Flags. It was fun at first.... but the heat quickly got unbearable (or is it unbareable?).
Either way it was frackin HOT.
I was doing well... getting sun burned but was keeping hydrated.
Then the Superman ride happened. The piece of crap long ass line that takes for ever ride.
If you've been to an amusement park, probably within the last 20 years, you'll be familiar with what are called Flash Passes. It's basically, you spend a little extra to be able to cut in front of all the poor shmucks who don't want to shell out the money for it.
Well, b/c of that, and just b/c the nature of the ride, the line to this ride moved SO slowly and the idiots who designed this area didn't think to put shade or cooling areas anywhere nearby so everyone was basically standing in the heat.
I stood in the line for an hour and couldn't take it any longer. Our water had run out quickly... the sun was boiling my brain, and I was starting to feel nauseated and dizzy. NOT good signs.
So yeah, I threw my hands up and left the line.
AND THEN, there was nowhere to sit in the shade. UUUGH. By this point my feet were killing me so.. yeah, after that it was miserable for the rest of the time there.

Monday the Georgia Aquarium was really nice. Loved it for the ocean view part alone. Watching the whale sharks and manta rays was really cool. At one point they were feeding the manta rays, and one of them jumped out of the water. Very cool... and better yet... air conditioned!!
I think I enjoyed it more than the others but meh.

So yeah, after that we went to the chicken and waffles place then had to go back to this other restaraunt b/c I left my purse, and then came home.
My feet are SO blistered and sore. My forehead is toasted and puffy right now, and BLEH.
We get to do this all over again tomorrow.... then DC.... then the beach, then Carowinds.
My poor poor feet.

Well... guess it won't be this time.

I was really hoping that this indent trend leading to BFP would happen once again, but nope.
I had an upset stomach last night right before bed.
Used the bathroom and wiped away fresh blood along with 2 smallish clots.
This morning, woke up, took my temp, got up to use the bathroom and to check to see what the temp was.
Temp dropped again to 97.45 and there was even more blood in the toilet. None on the pad yet, but it usually slows when I'm sleeping.
I laid in bed for a bit and finally got up b/c my mind is racing, and yeah, this is AF.
Actually kind of surprised b/c I expected some spotting to occur beforehand, but nope.

I'm REALLY hoping that I may have ovulated a little sooner than I think I did b/c if not, then I only had a 10 day lp.
Yes, it's still a natural cycle, but 10 days is just too short.
I'm going to start taking B6 again once we're back from this vacation. Or maybe pick some up during it. I'm sure we'll be headed to the grocery store at least once during this trip.

So yeah.... boooooo AF, but YAY natural AF lol.
It's so bittersweet.
Don't get me wrong, I am excited that I got AF naturally, but it also makes me kind of worried.
Will it happen again?
Why now?
Did the little bit of hcg from the chemical help?
What will the RE want to do?
Did the weight loss help? The diet?

I'm def going to start using OPKs again though. I have my doubts that I'll ever start having normal cycles, but hell... it could happen. I actually believe that now lol.
This just opens up the real possibility of having a baby naturally though. I mean if it continues of course.
How awesome would that be? BOY it would save us a ton of money if my body does continue to work on its own. No more injections, no more every other day doctor visits. That would be nice.
Save up some of that money to buy baby stuff :D

_____________
In other news, DH is on board with the weight loss goal for the end of the year.
He wants to get to about 180. He's already at about 210 so not much more to go. I think he wants to get cut more than anything, as I'm sure most guys do lol.

My goal is going to be 130 or 140. I think 130 is probably going to be a good weight for me. I'm only 5'1 or 2", but I do not have a petite frame. Even now, even with all of this fat still on my bones, my hip bones can clearly be felt... no fat or well, not much fat around them left to lose.
I also have a big head, so think if I tried to go down any lower, I'd look like a bobblehead or lollipop... not a good look for anyone lol.

I'm super excited about this though. It just feels so right. Like this is supposed to happen. I mean obviously, I want to be pregnant, but if that's not going to happen this year, then I'm gonna look damn good going in to next year!
Plus this possibly ovulating on my own and getting AF naturally just makes me want to get healthier and lose more weight. If that is what helped get my cycle back, then I'm gonna continue to get healthier.
I just feel so determined about this. HOPING that feeling stays with me even through the tough times b/c lord, there are going to be.
I HATE exercising. Love the feeling it gives you, love that I actually do it when I do it, but I hate straining my body. HATE IT lol.

This always seems to happen

I end up taking one of the "good" tests and get a frickin indent in it.
Here are some photos of the FRER and it's lovely indent.

Photo in the case (duh) before the time limit. Shows a whole lot of nothing.

And then BLAMMO... indent when it's drying.
Just taken on my pee stick plate and one taken on my desk.

These supposed good tests are really starting to piss me off.


But ya know... this has happened with my other BFP cycles lol. I'm sure it won't this time, but the previous ones... I would take a test (Answer), and it would show a bad indent. Then within the next day or so, I'd get my faint BFP.
Oh I can wish for it at least. Hope that it's a sticky bean..... sigh.


_______
Got in A LOT of cleaning. Man is this house DUSTY! And there are SO many damn spots where dust can collect too!
Just spots you overlook all the time... like the frickin doors or light switches. SIGH!
Oh well... most of it is dusted now and should remain dust free for oh.... 2 days :\

I still need to get the sun room and straighten up my desk and that should be about it. Not really worried about much else. Oh and need to straighten up the butler's pantry. No we don't have a butler... pfft, I wish.. get him to dust and cook for me :P lol

Wasted test

.... BUT it felt good to use lol. Sign of a true addict? Yeah, probably lol
I just used one of my FRERs w/ some left over noon PP. Total BFN. I was expecting it, but I dunno... was still hoping maybe it was so sensitive it would pick up something lol.
SIGH! So so sad and pathetic.
Call me crazy but I do kinda see something on it. I'm pretty certain it's just where the 2nd line should be though. It looks indenty even though I didn't see anything when I took the test out of the wrapper.
*Few mins later after the time limit*
Popped open the test, and sure enough, there is an indent visible on the dull side of the test strip (if you've opened up a test before you'll know what I'm talking about).
It's just a very small indent but it's there.
Good lord... I am blind as a bat when it comes to other people's tests when they post photos, but my own... I can't believe I even saw that.
I'll try to get a photo of it if it becomes more apparent once dried.

I guess I'm still trying to remain hopeful. It's difficult though.

Ok... I've wasted enough time today.... I need to finish dusting *cry*

Noon tests...

Pfft nothing.
My eyes SO want to see something, but there's nothing there except for that one single pink line.

Hmm, ya know.. this makes me question if I've had more than the 3 chemicals. I know some of these past medicated cycles where I've only had 1 egg... I had a questionable line up until AF arrived. Just remembering those, and then seeing these obvious BFNs with nothing.... *shrugs*
Best not to think about it but of course now that I have, that's all I'm going to think about, SIGH!

I'll test twice more tomorrow probably and then that will be it.
If AF is going to arrive, I should start spotting tomorrow.

M to the Meh!

My temp was about the same today as it was yesterday. 97.85. I also took it at 3am so FF took away my crosshairs. Not worried about it.
I do question if I actually ovulated or not though. It seriously wouldn't surprise me if I hadn't.

Test this morning is BFN once again. Surprise surprise. I'm actually ok with it though. I mean don't get me wrong, it sucks and I was hoping, but I wasn't expecting anything either.

I also weighed in today. Back up to 197. Seems to be where I'm stuck at right now. That's ok considering I haven't been great with my eating.
This vacation is going to be terrible, but hoping that all of the walking we'll be doing and the hot weather will boil some fat off of these bones heh.

Sunday is quickly approaching. I'll probably update the few days we'll be home in the next 2 weeks.

3 little letters that we've come to loathe

Tests this afternoon are still BFN.
I took 2 tests. The first one I just forgot about. Started watching something on youtube, and by the time I remembered the test, it was already in the beginning stages of drying. It looked like there could've been a faint something there, so I took another test.
Nope, nothing. Boooooo :P lol
I guess that's to be expected if this was implantation dip today. FX that it was. How soon after it can you get a positive pregnancy test? Probably at the very earliest the day after, guess depending on how quickly the hcg makes it to the urine.

I'm hopeful, but remaining realistic as well.
It is exciting though possibly having a natural cycle. Even though I still have the mixed emotions about it... it means maybe my body is on its way to actually working as it should on a regular basis. Boy, that would save us a TON of money if it did.

Nose dive

My temp took a nose dive this morning to 97.8.
I should only be 9dpo though so it's a bit early for it to go down that much if AF is going to show. *shrugs* But then again, I have no idea what to expect from a natural cycle since well... this is my first real one in pfft, however long.

Test this morning is BFN. No point in posting it if ya can't see anything. My line-O-vision is in full force though. Keeps wanting something to show up.

________
Still have a ton of cleaning to do. Mostly dusting and vaccuuming, but that's going to take forever.
________
Was thinking to myself this morning before I went back to sleep..... if gawd forbid, we're not pregnant by the end of the year, then I'm going to be at my goal weight or close to it.
Not sure exactly what my goal weight is though. Maybe 150, 140, 130 even.
Means I'm going to have to start working my ass off w/ exercising, but I think I could do it. Specially if I get a bit stricter with my diet. I don't want to go too strict b/c I don't think I could do it, but at about 80/20, or hell, even 70/30 I think I'd reach that goal or come damn close.

So yeah, I'm going to start that when we get home. Stop slacking off and just do something. I'm going to hate every minute of the exercising, but it's gotta be done. So tired of having this flabby body.

Crazy, table for ME!

So I've been taking tests. Pfft, who am I kidding, of course I was!
And I swear I see something on today's test.
I think it's just my line-o-vision kicking in though.
Have I developed the most useless super human power ever and actually willed a 2nd line to appear!?! :P lol

Watching the test dry right now to see if anything appears a bit more. Looks like I was probably just seeing where the 2nd line should be.
I've had that happen w/ a few of these tests  since I started testing again.
Some of them have actually dried with a 2nd line visible.

Anywho.... here is the test.
At the time limit

And drying. Tried to get a photo of what I was seeing, not sure if it shows up though

Do I think it's anything? Pfft, I wish.
I think it's just what it is. Just one of those tests where a non-BFP 2nd line is visible.

Back to bitching

Ok.... so, does anyone else get annoyed by the people who post up their "inspirational" weight loss SURGERY stories?
I'm sorry but how the hell is that supposed to inspire anyone to lose weight?
Seriously, great for whoever that finally lost weight b/c of the surgery, but... just no.
It's not inspirational to me at all. I dunno... I guess it is for those who want lap band or gastric or whatever else there is out there.
But my old fat self struggling with the old fashioned way doesn't want to hear it! lol

Just for fun

A random nothing post b/c I felt like it.

My dog Cid loves his toys. Maybe a little too much.
He hasn't done this in a very long time, and tis is a brand new toy I bought for him just the other day :P Oh well.... he enjoyed himself so I guess there's that lol.

And a random little lint heart I saw while taking a shower. Awwww, yay random love! I <3 you too!

Food

Oh gotta love my creative titles :P lol

Anyway, haven't talked about my diet in a while so here goes.
We've been sticking to it, meh ok. Not great, but ok.
Our weight is def reflecting that though.
I'm not even going to worry about getting stricter atm. Not with the trip coming up, but plan on it when we get back.
We really haven't been THAT bad, but still eating too much sugar.
I LOVE banana chips and have been buying them. Now they're not the worst thing we could be eating, but when we sit there and eat an entire bag of them.. yeah, it's bad lol.
Thinking I'll just make my own and leave out the added sugar.

So yeah, our eating could use some cleaning up, and we'll be doing that once we get home and have gained back at least 10lbs :P

Crap Sleep

Not sure what was going on last night but I did not sleep well.
The night before, I slept great even though I woke up a few times. I'd wake up and it felt like I had been sleeping for forever.
Last night was the exact opposite. I'd get to sleep (not a deep sleep), and wake up and it would feel like I hadn't gone to sleep at all. It was pretty awful.
So yeah, b/c of that, no temps. Hopefully it won't be like that tonight.

Had some nausea yesterday. Not sure what is causing it but it was unpleasant.

Googling

So, just got done googling about ovulation after a chemical pregnancy.
Seems as though many women will ovulate as if it was just a normal cycle after they had their chemical pregnancy.
Makes me wonder what my next cycle is going to be like. Will I ovulate then? Will it happen earlier?
If I had a complete chemical when I had AF and my hcg was 0... would I have ovulated sooner?


Tht is if I did actually ovulate though lol.
I've gotten a few more right ovary aches. Just quick aches that aren't bad at all.

Sigh..... waiting to see what happens sucks.

Maybe? Possibly?

Ok, so my temp was up this morning to 98.64. I took it at 1:30 though. So I had only been asleep for about 2.5 hours. I think if I had taken my temp at my usual time, it would've been slightly lower but still in the post-O range.
SO yeah... it's looking like I may have actually ovulated on my own.
Aint that some shit! O_O
Of course me being the pessimist.. I still have my doubts.
Dealing with a mixture of emotions about this though.
I'm happy that my body could've possibly ovulated on its own.
But then I'm a bit pissed if it did b/c as I mentioned, we didn't get in some good BDing.
And pissed b/c after this last m/c, I was looking forward to just being able to ride whatever I wanted during this trip. Now I have to worry about if I can ride, or how awful it will be if AF arrives.
Just BLEH.
I bought some tampons though. I've only used tampons twice before, and well yeah. Still better than having an accident wearing nothing but a pad though. All of that walking and sweating... disaster waiting to happen.

Obviously, I'm going to start testing like crazy this week lol. By temps, I'm only 6dpo, so I'll start testing on Weds. I'm sure I won't see anything but meh.

_________________

Went bathing suit shopping yesterday. Target frickin sucks for plus size swimsuits. All of them ugly and unflattering. And NM that our Target is set up so the maternity section is RIGHT BESIDE the plus size section AND it's twice as large. Seriously, the plus size section is maybe, MAYBE 4 racks of clothes.... all ugly and looks like something grandmothers who don't give a crap wear.

We then headed to Kohl's. I really like this store, but they're so expensive. I tried on a top. Thought it was a size 16 but it ended up actually being a size 12. Now I know swimsuits are stretchy, and it was tight, but it still felt good knowing that I fit my fat ass in to it lol.
Finally found a cute top that I liked, in my size though and got some boyshort bottoms to go with it.
SO frickin ridiculous that they charge the same amount for the bottom half!!! GRRRRR
Such a fucking ripoff.
______________

Oh forgot to mention that my right ovary is aching some. Not bad or anything and I'm not noticing it most of the time.

Sooooo much money!

We are spending so much and we haven't even started our vacation yet!
Buying all of the crap we're going to need... just UGH.
It's gonna be a good thing that we're going to have to wait a little longer to start trying again. Now don't get me wrong, I want to start asap, but that adult logical side knows this is best.


As for the gross maggot issue.
There were a few squiggling about, but I think we may have actually gotten most if not all of them. Haven't seen another one since thank goodness.

Just when I thought...

... I had gotten away.... someone has a birthday or it's a family based holiday and I'm sucked right back in! Grrrr
Yesterday was MiL's birthday. Yay for her.... BLEH for having to see SiL once again.
Thankfully the conversation didn't center around baby crap for most of the night.
It did for a few minutes though when the aunt pulled out crap for the baby shower to show her and plopped the bag of shit right on to my lap.
REALLY??? Do I look like a damn table?
UUUUUUUUUUGH I know I'm going to have to go to that shit too. They better let the guys come. I'll be miserable either way, but at least I'd have DH with me.
_____________

So in nasty news. We have frickin maggots! BLEH!
We've always had a bad fly problem ever since moving in. Dunno where the hell they come from, but we've never seen maggots inside.... well until this morning.
I get woken up by DH doing something. Get up, and see that he's moved the fridge. I'm thinking, eh, he's just cleaning.
He then says that I need to put on shoes b/c there are maggots crawling around the kitchen! GROSS.
There weren't a WHOLE lot of them, but still too many. Hell, 1 is too many.
I know we're going to see more. They have to be travelling through any little crack they can.
No idea where they're coming from. None other than the random crawlers under the fridge, and none behind the stove.
We don't exactly have a pristine house, but it's not messy w/ trash everywhere (just dusty :P).
So yeah.... dunno what the hell the flies, or maggots are eating other than whatever was in the trashcan.
We don't have mice and I haven't seen any roaches, so pfft, beats me.
It's still gross as hell though. Even though I know this isn't our fault, it still makes me feel like I should've been able to do something.
_____________

And in less gross news... my temp dropped slightly today to 97.82. Now.... this is a usual post-O pattern for me. In multiple other cycles, I've gotten temp dips at 5dpo, which I could be according to temps.
If my temp goes back up tomorrow then yeah... very real possibility that I ovulated on my own. Exciting but still kinda pisses me off :P

And it begins...

The gushing and the constant baby talk.
MiL told DH that SiL was having a girl.
Now I'm happy to be getting another niece, but that doesn't mean I have to like the mother.... at all.
She can kiss my fat infertile ass for all I care.
So yeah, dinner last night was pretty much ALL about that. It was almost unbearable. If I were a dramatic person, I would've walked out and sat in the hot car rather than listen to them.
It gets worse.... they then ALL turn to me, and tell ME that we need to have a boy now. B/c ya know, apparently it's my decision and it's just THAT easy for us. NM that they know we're struggling to get pregnant.
Just so damn irritating!
____________

Now that that's out of the way.... my temp today was post-O once again. That makes 4 days of post O temps.
FF actually took away my crosshairs though for some reason. Probably b/c the temp was taken about an hour after the usual time. My temp doesn't really change that much though in just an hour, so I'm sure this is a pretty trustworthy temp range that I'm in.
I'm sure if I had taken it an hour earlier, it would've still been in the post-O range.

Honestly, this kind of sucks if I did ovulate on my own. I know that's so contradictory from what I always complain about my body not working.
It's just that... I sure as hell wasn't expecting this to happen, so our BDing has been just for fun. We did BD pretty much right before the temp rise, but I got up right after and used the bathroom. I did lay right back down to go to bed, but still.. I'm sure a good bit of those swimmers were flushed down the toilet.
So yeah, IF I did ovulate, it would piss me off that we didn't catch it.
And then, if I did and I have my usual 11 day LP.... it means that I'm going to be getting AF right at the beginning of our damn vacation and will have AF for the majority of it! Grrrrrrr
I dunno about everyone else, but I sure as hell don't want to walk around in hot ass weather, crotch sweating (along with everything else), on a heavy flow day! BLEH! Just disaster and embarassment waiting to happen.
Sure I could just use a tampon, but I dunno.... tampons freak me out.

I have doubts but also thinking.. hmm maybe that I could've ovulated.
My ovaries haven't been bothering me for about a week? now... give or take a day. Noticed it just the other day that neither of them were aching at all when laying on my stomach favoring one side.
This could just be from the m/c though. My body finally healed after it.
Also, there is the issue of my breasts being sore.
They've been sore for about 3 or 4 days now. It's not a terrible soreness or anything, but yeah... my boobs hve rarely ever gotten sore on their own... and then it only lasted for pfft, maybe a day or 2.

I didn't have any EWCM though. I felt wet a lot, but no EWCM. I also didn't have any kind of O pains. I know that's not saying much since I'm sure the majority of women don't, but meh.

So yeah.....once again just having to wait and see what happens.

BLEH!

I had a feeling... I just knew.
I left a message to set up the consult appointment.
I knew before they called back what was gonna be said.
RE isn't going to be in all next week. UUUUUUUUUUUGH.
So yeah, consult isn't going to be until July 7th. Which means I'll probably get provera then, which means we're probably not going to be trying again until close to the end of July.
Frickin sucks, but nothing much that can be done about it. SIGH.

My temp was at 98 this morning. It was taken a bit earlier though, so not sure if I was actually asleep long enough for this temp to be trusthworthy.
fert friend gave me dotted xhairs. I still don't think I ovulated, but whatever.

I feel like a grown up!

Took my car in for its first oil change and tire rotation. First time I've ever had to do it, how sad.
Oh well....

I slept like shit last night. Woke up, took my temp, used the bathroom, and then it started to thunder storm.
That kept me up until it passed.
Then I just could not stay asleep.
Kept waking up ever 30mins.
I was going to take the car in super early, but I was dead to the world this morning. I needed those extra hours of sleep. I could've used more, but didn't want to wait too long.
________

My temp actually went up to 98.34 this morning. Not sure what that's about.
I dunno, of course part of me hopes I ovulated on my own, but then another part hopes not b/c we didn't BD.
Well we did, but I got up right after and used the bathroom. So yeah....
I don't think I did though. I had no O type of symptoms. I know you don't have to to actually do it though.
We'll see what my temp continues to do I guess.

Someone slap me

I need to stop testing! I really do lol.
Using up all of my tests. I only have hmm... probably 40 more now :P lol
Took an afternoon test and it's the same thing as the morning one.
Total BFN, but my eyes catch where the line should be. It's not even a shadow line.. just like a really slight difference in the way it looks.
I'm soooo staring at the tests too hard :P
I need to remind myself that willpower alone is not going to make that 2nd line appear! lol

I laugh now, but it feels like I'm a few steps away from being an emotional wreck. I'm not crying at the drop of a hat or anything, but thinking about it makes me want to. Seeing pregnancy on tv, makes me jealous and angry.
Our vacation isn't going to be really any better b/c DH's friends are fertile. So fertile in fact that both of their kids were accidents and she willingly got her tubes tied after their last one b/c she gets knocked up so easily (she has a daughter from another guy).
So yeah... seeing them isn't going to help. Seeing their perfectly adorable, well behaved children is just going to remind me of what we don't have.
And don't even get me started on Friday nights. I am DREADING this friday's dinner b/c I know the gender is going to come up and I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to hold it together.
Sigh......
Have I mentioned how much infertility sucks? Yeah? Well.... yeah.......

Oh the joy

... of owning dogs.
Woke up at about 2:30 this morning. Took my temp, and got up to use the bathroom. When I hit the door to our bathroom, I smell poo.
At first I thought our little dog may have just had some bad gas, but no... I realize this isn't alpo farts I'm smelling, this is poo.
So I start looking around the house w/ all the lights off, at the dogs' usual poo spots (the few times they've done it), and nada. WHEW, but I'm still smelling it.
Head to the kitchen and scratch my head b/c I dunno where this smell is coming from.
My eyes finally get used to the dark a bit better, and there it is. The giant lake of liquefied crap on the kitchen floor.
UUUUUUUUGH
I seriously debated just going back to bed and letting DH clean it, but finally reason came to me and I cleaned it up. It took 2 whole rolls of paper towels, mopping, and a ton of air freshener to clean it up... and I still want to spray the area down more.
BLEH
I know who it was. Our oldest dog Bing.
She doesn't tell either of us if she needs to go out when she has an upset stomach. Oh no... she just sneaks off and does this. Thank goodness she did it on linoleum this time though instead of the carpet.
Was still gross and a pain in the ass to get up, but at least it won't leave a gross stain.
I hate not feeding her, but it's the only way to insure she won't do this again until whatever is upsetting her bowels settles down.
So yeah.... I just ended up staying up until DH woke. Told him to not feed her and leave her outside until I woke back up and then I went back to bed at 6.
SO yeah, have that weird off balanced didn't get enough sleep feeling right now.
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Weird dreams continue. Dream right before I woke, I dreamt I was one of the contestants on So You Think You Can Dance. lol
Dreamt that we had just gotten to Vegas (didn't look like it though), and we were all given a piece of paper w/ our living options. Whether if we wanted to stay in a hotel that was a bit far to drive to, or we could stay in this huge luxury bus that was like right outside so we'd be able to get to bed quickly etc etc.
Myself and 2 other people picked the bus.
Then there was a different option on how you wanted to be transported to the hotel.. and "Elephant" was a choice, but only during certain hours of the day o_O
There was more to it but yeah...
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My temp was up this morning to 98.11. That's a post-O temp, but I think it's just a fluke. I'm sure it will be back down tomorrow.
HPT is of course BFN heh.
Pretty sure I can see where the 2nd line should be. There's no color or anything like that, it's just a slight difference from the rest of the test. It's total BFN though.
Feel like such a tool testing like this, but I dunno... I just want to.

Damn you emotions!

I actually made myself depressed last night.
Told DH that we could possibly have a 15yo right now if my body worked.
Then I started joking with him about the type of baby we should adopt and why is it illegal to 'buy' a baby, when that's exactly what adoption is :P lol
Anyway, it all still made me depressed.
I really hate infertility. It's just so unfair and too fucking expensive!!
I wish people would think before they commented that IF couples should just adopt.
Uh huh, b/c all of us IF have twenty thousand plus dollars just laying around to use for adoption. NM that adoption isn't for everyone for various reasons.

Before, honestly, adoption wasn't for me. But as the cycles go on, with each passing m/c.... the idea of it doesn't concern me as much any longer.
I still want bio children, but now I feel like I'd be able to love an adopted child equally.
The idea of adoption scares me though. Being scrutinized so harshly, the money, the possibility of the bio mother wanting her child back. Very scary.
I don't think we're quite there yet though, but it's definitely a real option now.
DH and I will have to have a long discussion on what we want to do.

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Diet has been ok. Since for the past few weeks, we've been SO awful during weekends, our weight loss is going the other way.
DH has gained back a few pounds and I'm back up to 197. I think it was only natural for my weight to go back up since the m/c probably had something to do with it before, but DH's weight shouldn't be.
We're going to try to be a bit more strict these next couple of weeks before our trip and then afterwards, continue to be stricter.
We'll still have our cheats, but not AS bad.
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My dreams have been pretty funky these past few days.
Like the one I had right before I woke up.
Dreamt that for some reason the world was flooded. Not all of it, but where he was. He was some kind of water sprite thing that wanted to get it on and of course, I complied lol.
We're trying to figure out some positions, but it gets awkward, and we feel like things could get better if we find some solid land.
So we swim over to this trailor home that's about a foot in the water. We go up on to the porch, try DTD there, but there's still too much water.
So he breaks in to the home. I get nervous b/c I dunno who lives there, but he seems like he's done this before.
We go in, and it's obvious someone is currently living there. Helps that there are 2 giant rottweilers in the home and they're mean.
Suddenly, the woman that lives there comes barging in and chases us out of the house. BUT weird thing is is that she has the face of a rottweiler.
Anyway, we run for it, and it's a cheesy romantic com moment where we're laughing while we run away w/ this woman screaming at us that she'll kick our butts if she sees us again.
DH mentions that he knows of another place that he def knows is abandoned, so we head over there, and I wake up as we make our way.

I've had weirder ones than that, but that's the only one I remember.
I don't think these dreams mean anything, but wanted to mention them anyway.
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Tested again today. Still BFN :P
Honestly, I dunno what I'm expecting to see lol
Part of me of course hopes for a miracle, but I know that's just not going to happen.

Meh...

Wish there was more to report on but there isn't.
Both ovaries are still feeling achy whenever I lay on them.
It must just be PCOS cysts.
My temps are still confusing. Not sure if I'm back at my usual pre-O temps, or if these are new post-O ones. I don't think I ovulated though. Not with the m/c taking as long to finish as it did.
Makes me wonder though.
Since the trigger shot is supposed to help finish maturing eggs before they ovulate, AND the microdose HCG is supposed to help the follicles mature as well... then maybe that happened for me naturally? I know it probably doesn't work that way at all when things are going on naturally, but still... I thought it was a good thing to ponder about.

Feeling just... there. In limbo.
We may not be able to start trying again so soon.
With this trip coming up, we are going to be spending A LOT of money on it and may have to wait to start again.
I hope not.

As for the trip.... it's quickly approaching. Lots of stress right now trying to get everything we need for it.
I know DH is excited, but me... meh. I mean I'll have fun, but I am not looking forward to standing in the heat waiting to ride rollarcoasters.
My body just does not function well in heat. I instantly start to sweat, which causes me to dehydrate b/c I never drink enough, so that gives me a headache and just makes me feel like crap.
Going to have to remember to drink my fluids!


Oh and I tested this morning for the hell of it lol.
If by some miracle I did ovulate, I could potentially be 9-10dpo. I doubt I did ovulate, but I have a crapload of tests so taking a few won't hurt.

Much Better

Jolly rancher vodka is MUCH better than skittles vodka. Mix 2 shots of the JR stuff with some sierra mist or sprite and it tastes fantastic! I really liked the blue rasberry.
Didn't get sloppy drunk either. Yay responsibility! :P lol
It was a fun night.
Didn't have to go out to eat with the inlaws (thank goodness), so we went out to a steak house, just the 2 of us.
Came home, started drinking, got freaky, and *nodnod*

Holy frickin hell!!!

Chemical BURN!!!!!!
Lets just say where the sun don't shine. OUUUUUCH!!!
Bought some hair removal cream. And yes, I have a hairy ass crack. Wanted to try some of this, so slathered that shit on. Instantly it started to burn and I tried wiping it off quickly. Not quickly enough though. Holy shit my ass hurts! lol I thought I'd at least have some time if the skin was too sensitive, not an instantanious reaction!
Oh god I will be in a world of pain if my stomach gets upset tonight. PLEASE body, don't punish me even further!!! rofl
I have aloe.... put that on it, and good gawd, the pain was excruciating! rofl I'm laughing now but seriously, it felt terrible.
I have no doubt it will heal up just fine, but sheesh. I've learned my lesson *cry*
It's feeling better now... going to slicken it up some more w/ more aloe a little later.

I also used some of the stuff on my nether region. Meh... some of the hair came out, but most of it is still intact.
I'm not even going to worry about this crap any longer. DH is just going to have to be happy with my prickly pear.
Be happy that I even bother to keep it trimmed damnit :P
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Not looking forward to going out to dinner tonight with family.
DH had only told his mom that I wasn't feeling well last week. Not a lie, but not the full truth either.
I dunno... I'd just be seriously tempted to tell her the truth if she asks why I wasn't feeling well. Sigh.
Plus, not sure when his sister is supposed to be finding out the gender. UGH. She SHOULD be showing by now. She's a big girl like myself though and wears baggy clothes, so she could still be hiding it well. I'm just so over her.
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Making jolly rancher vodka for tonight! Woot Woot!
Lot of good reviews for it, so hopefully it's better than that skittles grossness.
Def not drinking like I did last time. No more hangovers, thanks!
Actually control myself some and let whatever I drink kick in before drinking more or not *nodnod* Be an adult damnit! heh
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I didn't sleep for shit last night. Pretty sure it was b/c I had some chocolate and either the sugar or maybe even the little bit of caffeine in it kept my mind racing. I went to bed at 10... didn't get to sleep until after midnight.
Then I woke up to take my temp at 3, so I know it wasn't very accurate. Meh... I'm feeling ok now though.
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My body is just being weird right now. A LOT of cm down there. A lot of creamy stuff that just gushes out. I guess it may have something to do w/ my increased libido as well. So I'm sure that's not helping matters down there.
Seriously, thank goodness for panty liners.

Normal

So, got a call back from the RE's office today and my thyroid stuff came back normal. No antibodies or whatever, and my level is A-OK (thanks to the synthroid).
So yeah... was told to call back in a few weeks to set up a time for a consult. I dunno WHY we have to go in once again. Maybe to give blood or something for more tests? *shrugs*
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On a random note... I really wish I could dance! Dancers have the most amazing bodies! Fit but still feminine. And NM the male dancers that are all cut and fit and buffed.
My rhythm consists of me workin it in my desk chair. As soon as my feet enter the picture I turn in to the stereotypical no rhythm white girl.
Wish I could at least do that booty pop thing. Or twerk I think it's called? Just looks so naughty. I'm sure a lot of strippers probably do it lol, but it still looks really fun and I'm sure DH would frickin LOVE it. I'll try to practice it if I can figure out how to pop my booty out fast. It's slooooow right now. heh.
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I must've done something to my back yesterday. My mid-back is frickin killing me! Well, it's not that bad right now, but it was awful this morning. Feels like I pulled a muscle somehow but I have no idea what I did.
Frickin hate getting old! lol

Definition of bittersweet

Welp, that's the end of that. My beta came back at 0.
Happy, but still immensely sad.
Whatever it was tried to stick around, but it just wasn't meant to be for some reason.
Sigh...

No results for the thyroid thing yet. Not sure when that will be ready, but I'm really not even worried about it.
Ok, so what if I have Hashimoto or Graves... it's still the same med I'm on now to treat the hypo. Big whoop.

And that's about it.
Exciting!