Friday, October 28, 2011

Good night turned to shit

This is going to be ranting and venting if you couldn't tell.... with a lot of cussing.
I knew this night would come sooner or later. The night when SiL would finally go out again with family. I just can't deal with it yet.
I will eventually but right now, I can't and well, DH doesn't get it.
As soon as I found out that she was going to be out as well.... I told him I wasn't going. I guess he thought I was joking or that he could convince me but no.
So what does he say to me?
"You have to get over this eventually."
Yeah, no fucking shit sherlock.
That just really hurt. I know I have to overcome this bitterness, jealousy and loathing of this entire situation, but god damn... I'm still fucking bleeding from the last damn m/c. Give me some fucking time.
Excuse me if I don't want to see the baby... or possibly see DH holding the baby. That breaks my heart to even think about. I know it's kinda crazy, but I don't want to see him holding a baby unless it's ours. Having to see him holding a baby, the adoration and love in his eyes for a baby that isn't our own.... that kills me.
I know I'll have to get over that too since this is his neice, but come on..... I need time. Does he not understand that this is our 4th time failing... MY 4th time failing? Would he be so quick to get over it if it was HIS body that failed us every time?
I know he said it out of frustration b/c he really wanted me to just go, but I'm not strong right now. Or well.. I am most of the time but that was when I knew I wouldn't have to face SiL & the baby.

Sigh.... is it so wrong of me to not want to see them? I mean damn, I think I've been doing pretty fucking awesome up to this point.


SLESE1014 said...

your feelings are never wrong. Yes eventually you will have to face the madness. You're not alone in not wanting to face it. When my SIL the monkey had her baby on my 35th birthday, I was extremely bitter. Here I was facing the "advanced maternal age" diagnosis and she was popping out #2. It sucked. I waited a little extra time to see the baby.

As much as I hate my SIL, I love that little girl. And it was important to me to develop some sort of relationship with my niece regardless of who her mother is. I faced the situation and even though I waited a little long to see her, it's paid off in the end.

You have been pretty damn along this journey. You should be super proud of yourself for holding up as well as you have.

One Cycle at a Time said...

I'm so sorry. For what its worth if I were in ur situation I wouldnt be able to see SIL either. I feel like i might not be able to make it to my family' s at all for the holidays this year... seeing as how all 3 SILs have had a baby in the last tear or are pg...

give urself some time to heal. Hugs to you. :-)

Jen said...

Ugh, what an awful situation. I think you have every right to feel the feelings you have and to avoid the situation for now. You are grieving, and understandably. I hope DH comes around and begins to see things from your point of view. Take care of yourself!

creatingarainbow said...

I would say you were doing a great job too...and still are!!! You are right to stand up for your feelings...its shitty to have to face a baby (esp in the family!!!) even months after a miscarriage, let alone while you are still bleeding. You have every right to refuse to go and if nobody understand, than they just plain suck. I'm with you!!!

Amy and Robert said...

omg, omg... exact same situation with my sil coming to dinner with us last night, except i didn't know she was going to join MIL, FIL, me and DH for our anniversary dinner. I have no clue what she and her new baby have to do with OUR anniversary. The second I saw her walk up, I walked to the car. That was it. NO dinner for me, and excuse me--why the set up? How many times do I need to tell people I will not put myself in that situation right now. I do not want to be around pregnant people or their newborns. I just can't do it. For my health, sanity and emotions. I had a four hour discussion last night with my DH about this whole situation. He finally gets it. I just read him your blog and said "see, I'm not the only one....exact same situation...and I am not stupid for not "sucking it up" !!!! Thank you for posting this. I know exactly how you are felling, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

LisaL said...

Thanks ladies. Feels good to know that my feelings are valid.
Afraid that I'll be forced to face them sooner than I want tonight since SHE is having some kind of halloween party, but whatever....
I do want a relationship with my neice, but it's going to be so hard to even look at her.

LisaB said...

I'm so sorry :( I totally relate and understand. You are definitely valid in feeling the way you do. Big hugs.

Lisa Marie said...

I am so sorry hun! I totally understand! I had to see so many pregnant people this weekend & it hurt. I actually started crying in a bathroom at a halloween party. I was numb & ignoring the situation but as soon as the door closed to the bathroom I lost it. Ugh! It hurts to see my husband with his nephews. He loves them (I do too) so much & I know he'll be an amazing dad. It's hard to watch it sometimes. I dread seeing my cousin & her new baby at Christmas. It never seems right when younger cousin's have kids before me. It's NOT fair!!! HUGE Hugs hun!