This is going to be ranting and venting if you couldn't tell.... with a lot of cussing.
I knew this night would come sooner or later. The night when SiL would finally go out again with family. I just can't deal with it yet.
I will eventually but right now, I can't and well, DH doesn't get it.
As soon as I found out that she was going to be out as well.... I told him I wasn't going. I guess he thought I was joking or that he could convince me but no.
So what does he say to me?
"You have to get over this eventually."
Yeah, no fucking shit sherlock.
That just really hurt. I know I have to overcome this bitterness, jealousy and loathing of this entire situation, but god damn... I'm still fucking bleeding from the last damn m/c. Give me some fucking time.
Excuse me if I don't want to see the baby... or possibly see DH holding the baby. That breaks my heart to even think about. I know it's kinda crazy, but I don't want to see him holding a baby unless it's ours. Having to see him holding a baby, the adoration and love in his eyes for a baby that isn't our own.... that kills me.
I know I'll have to get over that too since this is his neice, but come on..... I need time. Does he not understand that this is our 4th time failing... MY 4th time failing? Would he be so quick to get over it if it was HIS body that failed us every time?
I know he said it out of frustration b/c he really wanted me to just go, but I'm not strong right now. Or well.. I am most of the time but that was when I knew I wouldn't have to face SiL & the baby.
Sigh.... is it so wrong of me to not want to see them? I mean damn, I think I've been doing pretty fucking awesome up to this point.