Just wanted to post something

I never did say what I was thankful for when Thanksgiving rolled around.
I am SO thankful for my sweet DH. Sure he can be a turd sometimes, but lord knows I have my moments too. He's my world and I just don't know what I would do without him.
I hate that he's leaving for a week. I'm gonna be so worried about him the entire time.
He's such a good guy, and helps out his and my family SO much. I love him to death and hope I will make him a wonderful daddy one day.

I'm also thankful for whoever the hell made fertility drugs. If it wasn't for them, and RE's and OBGYNs and all of them, women like myself would never even have a chance. It's a bit depressing thinking like that, but it's the truth.

And yep.... just wanted to post something before I headed to bed :)

Maybe it was just my bowel

Who knows. I have been having some strange BMs since Thanksgiving so could be. Lovely, but meh.
I hate shopping. I really do. I never get good deals, and I hate spending money on things I could probably find cheaper, but I'm too lazy to look lol.

Oh I had a dream that I took an OPK and it was dark. Not a positive though. How sad is that. Even in my dreams they're not + lol.
Blahblahblah....

It's doing something

My left ovary is doing something. What though, I have no flippin idea.
I wish it was working though. I'll have to bust out some OPKs and maybe remember to actually temp just in case lol.
If it's gonna do something, it better do it soon b/c DH is outta here on Friday (boo).

SUCH a tease!

My left ovary has been aching like crazy. Such a damn tease b/c I know it's not doing anything. Maybe making small follicles, but that's it. UGH so damn frustrating.
I need to keep my mind off the fact that I still have over a month to try again! BLEH Sure Xmas and New Years is coming up, but that's still almost a month away. SIGH sucks so much. Stupid body!

Turkey Coma

Hope everyone had a lovely day yesterday.
I ate WAY too much and it was just sitting in my stomach. Felt like I had eaten a basket ball.
Didn't help that I was also getting headaches for some reason.
It was a good day though. Lots of food.
I wish my turkey had turned out better though. I always seem to overcook it even though I use meat thermometer. Oh well. I think I next time I'm gonna try using an oven bag. Maybe that will help keeping the bird moist.
And even though I was the walking dead most of the day yesterday, wanting to keel over and sleep, I still stayed up until 3 playing frickin World of Warcraft lol.
Slept a little later, today but meh, I'm ok. I'll probably pay for it today.

I had a BFP dream though. Sigh. It was nice, but such a tease. Dreamt that 2nd line was BLAZING too. In the dream I didn't believe it was real. Oh well, maybe one day.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy gobbler day everyone that celebrates it. And if ya don't, happy uh... Thursday, Nov 25th! ;)
Had to get up early to prepare the turkey and pop it in the oven. I'll probably take a nap later once I put the temp down. Found a new recipe for preparing the turkey this year
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Homestyle-Turkey-the-Michigander-Way-2/Detail.aspx
I hope it's good. It has a lot of really good reviews/ratings.

Past 2 times I've made turkey I used the Alton Brown way. Brining it first and all that. I didn't really like the taste of it so trying something different.

I'm also making a sweet potato casserole and a cake.

Casserole
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Yummy-Sweet-Potato-Casserole/Detail.aspx

Cake
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Tiramisu-Layer-Cake/Detail.aspx

I've made the cake before and people really loved it. I'm not a huge fan of that alcohol kick even if it is very mild, but it's been requested by DH's uncle so I made it again. I screwed it up though, but hopefully it still tastes OK lol.
If you like baking and you like coffee, I do recommend trying it though. Making the cake as is, the coffee flavor is very mild. If you read through the reviews though, lots of suggestions say to double the amount of coffee liquer etc for a stronger taste.

ARGH!

I had a dream last night that I broke my thumbnail.
And what happens today?? I broke my damn thumbnail!!!! And of course it couldn't break off higher up, oh no, it has to break WAY down there. Enough to where it's bleeding and hurts like a sonofabitch!
Damnit, now it's all sensitive and I just know I'm gonna be hitting it on everything today. BLEH!

Bleh... sadface

My mom just came over to drop off some stuff and to visit a bit.
We're not super close. My parents divorced when my brother and I were really young. She had a bad drinking problem back in the day that drove us all away from her.
Anyways, she asked about us trying, asked if we were, and asked if I had gone to the doctor.
So I told her all about what's wrong with me and what I've gone through so far.
And I just couldn't bring myself to tell her about the m/c. I almost did, and my eyes started to water up. Thankfully she didn't notice, but gawd.... to have something like that still have such an impact on you. I didn't want to burst in to tears in front of her (I don't like crying in front of people... not really a 'not wanting to show weakness'... thing, it's mainly b/c I don't want to make ppl uncomfortable? and it's embarassing. Silly I know).

I know a lot of women out there experience multiple m/c and honestly, I don't know how they do it. I had 1 early loss and I get teary eyed and want to sob at just the thought.
I hope I never have to experience that again.

I dunno why I'm so hesitant to tell anyone about our fertility struggles. Maybe b/c I don't want them to see ME as the problem (even though it is me). My body is already failing me, I don't want others to know. If that makes any sense.

Jazz it up

Another boring post for your pleasure!
No idea what I could do to jazz things up though. I live a boring life, which I love... so yeah... *shrugs* Oh well.
I'll just complain about my hormones going crazy.

Headaches, hot flashes, fatigue, add a dash of nausea, body aches, and yep... that's me in a nutshell right now.
Is it crazy for me to still be hoping that my body works on its own? I mean hell, it hasn't worked on its own for who the hell knows how long, but here I am, still hoping that a miracle will happen. SIGH.

Ya know, I don't think my cycles have been regular since I was a young teen. Like as in Middle School. I remember my periods being really bad back then. Lots of cramping. Same with some of High School.
And then, pfft, nada. I lived with my best friend for a while, and we sort of synced up a little, but my cycles were still irregular. So yeah, I've been living with a screwed up body for quite some time now.
Thank goodness for modern medicine!!!

I hate cleaning!

And there's so much of it to do! BLEH!
I can just hear my DH now "Well if you did more of it, maybe there wouldn't be so much now!" BLEH! lol
DH in my head has a point.
I just hate it though. I hate dusting, I hate dishes, I hate laundry and folding clothes, everything! Well almost. I don't really mind vacuuming.
So many disaster areas though. Like the computer room. The floor is SO cluttered and dirty from all of my art crap. I'm gonna have to get down to business today. At least straighten up this room and wash the bathroom rugs.


In other news, learned that DH's sister was proposed to the day before yesterday. She called last night to tell DH. I'm really happy for her. She's the eldest of the bunch. I think she's 35? She joined the Navy last year and met him that way. He's also in the Navy. Not sure about the details of it all though.
I actually wouldn't mind if she got pregnant before me. I mean of course I'd be jealous, but I know she would be an excellent mother.
DH's other sister is growing on me as well. I couldn't stand her before, but after having dinner w/ her and her husband every other Friday, she's not as bad as I remember her being. I still want to have a baby before her though :P I know that's awful but meh, I don't care. lol

So yep, like I said...

We're gonna be getting the Mazda3.
It's a bit larger than I was hoping to get, BUT I think that will be better in the long run. The Mazda2 wasn't bad either, but like I said, the added room in the 3 is nice.
Both of them drove really well though.
The 2, there was much more room up front than the Fiesta. And it drove really well. Not much road noise.
The 3 drove extremely well. Had lots of room, and was just nice.
I'd really be happy with either one of them, but I think we're gonna go with the 3.
Now just have to get DH to talk w/ his bank about all of the loan junk and see who will give us the better option.

Drunkin Ramblings

I'm not drunk now, but I sure was last night lol. Well, maybe just a little drunk.
That's what I always do whenever we have to wait. Can't try? Pffft, lets drink and have some drunkin sexcapades.
So yeah, it was fun last night.

While drunk, DH brought up that he wanted a baby. Of course that started to make me cry (getting teary eyed now too). It's just the first time I've actually ever heard him say those words and it just made me feel even worse that my body just doesn't work. It was still nice hearing it though.

He asked how I felt about adopting. Maybe down the road if nothing we do works, but right now, I want to focus on trying to get pregnant.
I've only ovulated 3 times so far, so hopefully soon it will happen now that O is actually occuring.
I think the longer we try though, the more open I am to possibly adopting one day. It's just such a long drawn out expensive process. I know they want to make sure that the child is going to a good home, but the expenses... how is it any different than buying a baby?

It wasn't all serious talk last night though. That would've really killed my buzz :P lol I'm still glad that it happened.

BLEH

My weight keeps creeping up. Not sure why since I haven't been doing anything different. Hope it's just temporary and will go back down.

Also, it feels like I'm more emotional than I used to be. Not sure if it's just all of the stress (even though I don't feel stressed) or what. Or maybe doing all of these fertility meds is doing something, who knows.

I wish my body would work. Just frickin ovulate on its own. I mean hell, there are women twice as big as I am that don't have nearly as many problems that get pregnant. Awesome for them, but damn, I'm nowhere near as big as some and here I am struggling for my body to work even on meds!
One day.... one day....

Oh and on TTC

AF left the building by Thursday thank goodness.
It still sucks having a week long AF. BLEEEEEEH
Erm what else.... I'm fairly certain that the cysts are gone. May be one still on the right O. I felt a little bit of twinging last night when I was going to bed, but not much. So that may have just been the last larger cyst bursting or whatever the hell they do.
I haven't felt anything on the left side for a while.
Too bad I can't try again now. It's still early in my cycle, just gimme some meds! lol

Fiesta

So we went and looked at the Ford Fiesta yesterday.
They finally got in the Keylime green color in hatchback that I want.
It's a super cute car, and I loved the no key thing. That was pretty neat, but the car in general is just TOO small inside.
That def was not a problem with the Fit. The Fit felt like yeah, it was small, but there was still room to move.
The fiesta on the other hand, there was lik no room to move up front, specially if someone is going to be sitting in the back.
DH's knees were almost touching the front panel thing as he test drove and my knees were almost touching the glove compartment. Plus I didn't like the headrests. I wear a clip most of the time, and with the way the headrests angle towards you, my clip kept hitting it forcing my to keep my head down. Not comfy.
Also, DH mentioned that he felt the car shake whenever we were braking. The salesman said that it was the engine doing something to save on fuel. I probably wouldn't mind it but meh.
So yeah, although it's a cute car and I really like the way it looks along with all of the gadgets, it's just too small & cramped.
I think it's out as an option.

We'll probably be test driving the Mazda2 & 3 tomorrow (Saturday). Like I said as soon as we looked at the Mazda3... we'll probably end up getting it. It's a bigger car, so room inside won't be a problem. We'll see how it drives though.

Living room Wall Sticker

Totally forgot that I had even taken these while I was working on it.
Anywho, here are some photos I took of the progress on the upper part of the living room wall sticker.

Sketch of what I wanted to do. It didn't end up like it exactly of course. I had to take out a bit, and change things around.

Drawing part of the design on the paper.

And then the progress shots. This was really hard for me. I get vertigo going up ONE step on a ladder so I had to be careful lol.

And there ya go ^_^

Wall Sticker How To

Thanks Kerrik for asking. Gives me something I can post about at least hehe.

Alrighty, so here's an explanation on how I do the wall stickers.

First, I bought myself some ConTact Paper. It's a sticky vinyl stuff that people often use in their kitchen shelves. I purchased both of mine off of ebay. They were pretty expensive, but this stuff is going to last me for a little while.
I got Black and White. I figured if I needed color, I could just use some acrylic paint.

I then sketch out whatever design I want to do on the wall. After it's sketched out. I'll usually scan it in the computer so I can flip the image. I'll usually just stay at my desk to do the rest (which I'll explain in a sec), to save on ink and paper, but I wanted to be a bit more comfy with better light so I printed out the mirrored image so I could sit in the living room.
This is the wallsticker I'm working on now.

The reason for mirroring the image is b/c I have to draw on the back of the ConTact paper. Drawing it on the back means the image is going to be the correct way once it's actually put on the wall. Hope that makes sense. I don't want to draw on the side that's going to be showing on the wall b/c well, I don't want ugly pencil marks showing.

I then use an X-acto knife & scissors to cut out the design. Don't have a photo of just that, but you can see it in the one right above.

I usually have to do everything in sections b/c they're so big. It's easier to work with, but more difficult to line up and put back together on the wall. It gets frustrating but oh well.

Also if I'm adding color, I'll start doing it now after I have the sections cut out.
I just use acrylic paint. Nothing fancy. Going to get some more tonight. They don't mix very well and I need some orange :P

And yep, that's about it... when I'm done with a certain section, I'll put it up on the wall and work that way.

Here are 2 others that I've done
This one is in the computer room. I'm not too fond of it. It was more of a "I'm bored" experiment. I should probably add more wings to it lol

And this one is the very first one I did. I want to add more to it. Well, background and stuff, but not sure exactly what I want to do with it yet. Sorry for the poor photo quality, but meh, you can still see it.

Oh I just found photos that I took of the big sticker as I was doing it. I'll post that next.

Meeeeeh.....

What the hell can I talk about now that we're not TTC atm.
Uhm.... hmmm....
I finished the living room wall sticker thing.
Here's the full view of it. The top part has been done for a year now. I started on the part w/ the big flower a few months ago.

The bottom half of this section is all I had to do to finish it. I have a bad habit of stopping something if I lose interest in it. And that's what happened here. People are coming over for Thanksgiving though so I wanted to get it done before then.

I have another that I'm working on that's going to go in the nursery. DH suggested that I just do wallstickers instead of painting on a mural. He brought up a good point. Since I don't really know my talent w/ painting, it may just be easier to do the wall sticker.
I agree. Plus doing the room w/ wall stickers will be a bit easier to fix mistakes.

And yep, that's about it. My days are going to be filled doing this and watching movies. Not too shabby. I can't complain, but it would be nice to obesess about TTC.

I'm not certain but I think the left cyst may have gone or is going. I haven't felt any discomfort on that side for a while now. The right ones are def still there though. Every once in a while I feel dull aches in that area.
This cycle, I'll be taking my usual herbs and such. I'll also be taking Red Clover to help get rid of the cysts, and I'm taking maca root again as well. Put the powder in gel caps so it's MUCH easier to stomach now lol.

Offtopic Junk

We went and looked at some cars this weekend.
We went to the ford place to look at the fiesta. They only had one. I honestly don't really remember it much. Not a good thing IMO. Briefly talked to a salesman, looked inside the car and that was it. He said they were getting more within a few days, so we may call back and see if they've gotten more.
We also went to the Mazda place to look at the mazda2. It's a lot smaller than I want. I want small, but not too small, ya know? Plus the appearance just isn't appealing to me. The salesman there was really nice and helpful. He pointed out the Mazda3 to us. It's bigger than what I want, but I just LOVE the way it looks and this one color it's in that they had. It's more expensive than I wanted too, but I really like it.
We also went back to the Honda place to look at the Fit. It's a cute car, and DH test drove it. He's going to be doing all of the test driving. I trust his opinion. He said that he was a bit afraid to go faster than he was b/c he could feel every bump. Also, the road noise was REALLY loud. We got on the highway with it and all you could hear was the WHOOSH of air.
Not sure if that's how all small cars are or not? *shrugs*
I do like it's look, and like all of the airbags, but just that noise though is really offputting.
I wanted DH to go back to the Mazda place to test drive the 2 and 3, but he didn't want to go back so soon and seem desperate *eyeroll*
We made it clear to the sales people that we are still in the shopping around phase.
I want to go look at the Scion XD, but DH doesn't like it. *shrugs* I like the way it looks, and even though it is going to be my car, I want him to like it as well.

I have a feeling we're probably going to end up with the Mazda3 which I'll be fine with lol.

Hrmm, what else. Going to finish up the wall sticker thing in the living room probably tomorrow. I've put it off long enough, it's about time I finish it up. I only have a small little part left to do so hopefully won't take long.

Uuuuhm, have to figure out a spot to put all of these masks that I've made. I want to get them hung up soon, but just can't decide where. I'll probably end up putting them up in here (computer room).
I have an idea for a new one. It's going to be a bit complicated, and I hope I can pull it off. The overall design of it isn't complicated, but the technical aspect is, if that makes sense.

I have another wall sticker idea that I think I'm going to do. It's actually from a dream I had a long time ago. I drew a pic of it that I was planning on coloring, but I think doing a wall sticker of it would be much cooler.
Now just to figure out where it's going to go.

And yeah, that's about it. AF is still here. Had some aching over on the left ovary, but not really much else. Thankfully the cramping has stopped. AF should hopefully be gone completely by Thursday. Damn I wish I were a lucky one and it only lasted for a couple of days. Not a damn week.

Bleh

Bad AF. I'm not used to getting cramps. They're like rolling wave cramps. That's the best way to describe them. Thank goodness for ibuprofin.
I guess I'll do what I've done before, try to focus on losing some weight while I wait.
Maybe try to do the insulin resistance diet a bit more this time around. Would be awesome if I could lose 11 lbs, get under 200. Hell, I'd still probably be stuck in a size 18 though. Damn stomach.

Damn you ovaries!!!

So I had my appointment at noon.
Had my ultrasound which showed 2 big cysts on my right ovary. Both measuring around 25-30mm.
And had a larger one on my left ovary measuring around 40. Had another behind that one that she couldn't see.
So BLEH.
I'm disappointed obviously, but I'm ok as well. It sucks, but I'm not as sad and depressed about it as I thought I would be.
Now, have to wait a month and then see if we want to just wait or go ahead and do another round.
The RE was up for starting me on a higher dose. He said that it may cause me to make more follicles to begin with which is what I think needs to be done. So yay for him listening to wht I want at least.
And he didn't seem to be too worried about my luteal phase length. It wasn't really a problem the 1 time I did get preggos anyway so not super worried about it.
So yeah, there's all of that. Now in limbo land for at least a month.

Some good news, weighed myself before my shower and came in at 210, so woot! My weight was fluctuating between 213-218 for a while there.

Made the call

Yeah, this is AF. It hasn't really turned in to a flow yet, but it will. It's gotten slightly heavier since it started so just a matter of time before it turns in to a flow.
Sigh, I'm ok. Heartbroken of course, but I'm ok.
Now if my baseline comes back showing cysts though, THEN I'll get sad, but I'm really hoping that that won't be the case and we'll be able to start again on saturday.
I just left a message for the RE. Hope they'll be able to get us in tomorrow. Asked about upping the dose if everything is ok, and asked about the luteal phase length. 11 days just doesn't seem long enough to me.

AF may be starting

It's here to ruin the day, but at least it has ended my misery w/ the not knowing.
Went to the bathroom a little bit ago and the bleeding has picked up. It's not a flow yet, but it will be soon I think.
Passed some small clots in to the toilet, and had a good bit of blood on the tp. Not dark red, but still fresh.

I really hope that we'll be able to start back up ASAP. I REALLY don't want to wait a month before we can try again. Specially since that comes so close to Xmas.

Sigh.... Come on ovaries, pls don't fail me now. And I really hope my doc will agree to upping my dose a bit more. 13 days is still too long IMO for one freakin egg. If it was a natural cycle, totally acceptable, but not with frickin injections.

Sigh

I hate this so much.
As you can see, I used an answer test as well. I dunno why. I guess I just wanted a better result one way or the other, but it didn't really do that b/c I swear I can see the indent or something where the 2nd line should be. I'm not trying to fool myself in to thinking that it could be something b/c there is absolutely no other color in that spot. I think you may actually be able to make it out in the photo.
Basically it's just me staring too hard at the test, wishing that that damn 2nd line will appear.
I don't really like the instructions for the Answer test either. It tells you to read the results in 3 mins. 3 mins isn't enough time! Even the cheap IC ones tell you to wait 5 mins.
Oh well, they're cheaper and they work so meh, can't really complain too much about that.

I took my temp early early this morning. Not sure how accurate it is since it was cold. I warmed it up some though so *shrugs* Temp as 97.87. So pretty much below my coverline I think.

We'll see what today brings. If it's AF, then I hope it starts quickly so I can call my RE's office and make an appointment for tomorrow.
Going to ask if my dose could be raised some since DH has to leave at the beginning of the month. Want to get things going ASAP.

There's the photo of the answer test shrunk down some. May make the indent thing that showed up a bit easier to see. I wish I could get excited about it, SOME hint of color, but there really isn't any. BOOOO

Gotta prepare

Have to prepare myself for the worst. I just can't keep my hopes up too high b/c I do not want it to come crashing down when/if AF shows.
It's still pretty much the same, but who knows if it will get heavier or not. I'm hoping not, but we'll see.
If it is AF though, then I just hope I won't have any large cysts to prevent us from trying again.
If it's done soon enough, maybe I'll be in the tww before DH goes off to Cali for work.
He leaves at the beginning of Dec, so it would be cutting it very close if we got to try again so soon.
I really hope so. I do not want to wait until next year to try again. I know it's not that long, but just saying, waiting until next year makes it seem like forever.

Sigh, come on little eggbert. If you're still in there, please stick.

Spotting

May be the end.
Just used the bathroom and had some orangish coloration on the tp.
Feel like just sobbing in the fetal positon right now.
I'll try to hope that it's like last time (minus the m/c part), but sigh... it's hard to hold out hope when this happens.

Feel so pathetic

I went back and looked at my BFP posts. All it did was make me feel even more awful. I thought it would make me feel better somehow. Seeing the tests turn + (even if they stayed light), but no.... reading my doubts, and then confirming that it wasn't a viable pregnancy.... it just made me feel even worse.

Losing Hope

Sigh... BFN again. I can't help but feel like this is never going to happen. My heartaches for this and breaks every time it's just a single line.
Doesn't help that I had a terrible dream. It started off kind of like a thriller/suspense type, but in the dream, I wanted to take an HPT before we left the house.
So I go to pee in the cup, and when I wipe, there is blood all on it. I keep trying to tell myself that I could still have a chance, but I know deep down that it's over.

I hate dreams like that. They really suck the life out of you when you wake up.

I don't think I'll be getting my BFP this time :( My boobs are barely hurting any more. I know you can't go by just that, but *shrugs*

Dizzy

Wonder if it's the progesterone??
I've been getting dizzy spells for the past couple of days. Not enough that I'm actually getting offbalance, but it feels like I could. Ya know?
Have I mentioned this already? Hmm, think I may have wanted to when it first started but didn't? I can't remember. Oh well, not gonna hurt to repeat if I did.

I dunno, I think it may be the progest. Hard to tell since all of the side effects are similiar to early pregnancy symptoms.
Hope it's more from a baby in there than the suppositories.

Torture

Every time... I always do this to myself.
I don't want to but I can't help but go to the POAS section of the forums I go to and every time it makes me more and more depressed.
I guess I'm just hoping to see more threads from ladies that got their BFPs a little later, or someone that is going through something similiar, but nope... it's usually always, I'm 5DPO and here's my blazing BFP!!!!
Or, we were trying for 3 LONG months and here's our BFP!!!!!! Or, Here's our BFP ACCIDENT!!!!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
Keep in mind that I'm not talking about the ladies I've befriended. I'm talking about the ones that I don't know.
It's great for them that they got their BFP, but ugh, I HATE seeing it.
It's selfish, it's bitchy, but you know what, I do not give a flying shit. The time I've had to wait, the crap I've had to go through, I deserve to have a bitch-fit every once in a while, same for all of us battling infertility.


EDIT: And I decided to shorten the title of the blog. Fits what the address is anyway so it makes sense lol.

Where are you??

Come on 2nd line!!!! Where th heck is it. SIGH. Losing hope as the days go by. Hard to remind myself that there's still time.
Anyway, took 2 tests as you can see. One of them had one of those annoying indents on it right where the 2nd line would be. Didn't want to risk it showing something when nothing should be there, so took another. Meh, would've been OK w/ the one I think but oh well. Too late now.

I keep looking at the HCG/Injection/ Positive after Negative charts on fertilityfriend. It's somewhat comforting to see that the majority didn't get a BFP until 10+ dpo. Sigh. Still sucks having to wait though.

Ramblings of a bored woman...

I'm feeling a bit venty right now and just need somewhere I can get it all out. Seems like the forum buddy groups I'm in, everyone is busy with whatever is in their own lives and don't have time for the forums atm.
That's totally fine, don't get me wrong, it's just lonely though when you have no one to talk to this stuff about.

First, lemme explain about my constant use of the word Hope, Hopeful, Hoping, etc etc.
I know I could easily say pray, praying whatever, but I'm just not a religious person. Nothing against religion or the people who want to follow whichever one. I just don't.
I'm not athiest. There's nothing wrong with that or anything.
I'd say I'm more agnostic than anything. Kind of caught in the middle. I question if there is a God, hell, maybe even Gods. I guess b/c of my doubts, I'm just not comfortable saying pray when used in the same context as hope.
I am a bit of a hypocrite though b/c I do find myself praying sometimes. To what though, I don't know. *shrugs* Really all I can say about that.


In other news... feeling waves of negative emotions right now. Anger, jealousy, self pity.... everything.
I feel like I can't breath when I think about TTC and this cycle failing.

Sigh, these days can't go by quick enough. Not knowing is driving me insane in the membrane.


EDIT: Rambling some more.
Feeling so lonely right now. Like I'm the only one going through this. The rational part of me obviously knows that's a load of crap, but the desperate part wants to believe it.
It's SO difficult when you can't talk to anyone about these things going on.

Fertile people will NEVER understand. This includes women that had a child or 2 before with no problem and are having a difficult time with another. (I'm not talking about the women that struggled w/ their first).
I'm not saying that they don't hurt, it's just different and not the same as those of us struggling to have one.
THEY have their child, children already. If they never have another, sure it may hurt them a bit, but they still have 1, 2, 3, however many.
They will never understand the pain of wondering if they'll ever be called Mommy. They'll never understand the heartache of us childless ones.

I don't mean to sound like I'm angry at fertile women. I have nothing against anyone at all. I guess it's just jealousy mixed with anger at my own situation in all of this.

Low constant hum

Test is still BFN. Sigh. I twisted it and turned it every which way but a 2nd line wasn't gonna appear on this one.
I started getting some nausea last night and this morning. Can't be sure if it is the progesterone or the midnight snack I ate upsetting my stomach. Doubt it was the snack since the nausea lasted so long.
It sucked when I woke up early this morning though. Not sure what's making the humming, but something in the house is making a constant low hum. I HATE that sound. It seriously drives me crazy. All I could do was focus on that sound. I tried ignoring it, but thanks to DH's alarm going off every 10mins, I couldn't get back to sleep.
Once DH got up, I turned the tv on and went back to sleep again finally. I could still hear it, but the tv noise was a good distraction.

YibbidyBibbidy

I have no idea what the title means. It just popped in to my head when I was trying to think of what to put there lol.

Anywho, todays's HPT is most def BFN. So, the wait begins. I am still early, so have a few days to get a BFP.
I'm not optimistic,but hopefully my negative feelings are proven wrong.


Offtopic
We just watched Toy Story 3 last night. OMG I cried twice during that movie. I'm about to get in to spoilers so don't read further if you haven't seen it and don't want to know what happens.

I cried when they were in the dump incinerator and they all accepted their fate and joined hands with eachother. OH MY GAWD. I want to cry now just thinking about it.

And then of course the last part where Andy plays with them for the last time. Just that whole scene.

Sigh, I can understand now why this movie was said to be sad.

It's creeping in again

It's that time again, that time when all of these awful feelings start creeping in to keep my spirits down.
I'm sure a lot, if not every woman/couple go through this.
Not knowing, the god awful waiting to know, the doubt, the heartache, the fear.
I hate this so much. I really do.
I'm sure whenever I do finally have children, I'll look back on this time as a time when I could be proud of myself that I would do anything and everything to get my family.
But living it right now is just painful and just plain sucks.

I know I know, I need to just live my life, blahblahblah BS.
THIS is my life right now. It's not like every waking moment of my life is consumed by TTC. I'm not saying that. It's just that the majority of my concerns, of my worries & hopes is devoted to this right now. If that makes any sense.
I always seem to type that out. I wish I was a better writer so I could articulate what I'm trying to say better. Oh well. Hopefully the point comes across anyway.
And I know I say Hope, Hopeful a lot. I'll get in to that a bit later.

Anywho, now that I explained all of that. I just needed to vent some. I'm sure I'll be doing a lot of that as the days go by and the stress of this gets worse.

Offtopic!!

Forgot to mention.... I've been watching Nip/Tuck on netflix. It's my first time ever seeing this show since well, we never had cable.
I just got done with the 3rd season. The one where they find out who the Carver is, where Matt (the oldest son) dates the racist chick, etc etc.

How frickin annoying are the characters??????????????????? Now the show is good, don't get me wrong, but good gawd damn do I wish I could just strangle the hell out of them all. Well there might be 2 that I don't mind. Liz & Julia. But everyone else I just want to knock some sense in to their idiot heads. Specially the stupid ass son Matt. Is it bad that I actually cheered when the father punched him and rebroke his nose? lol

I dunno, it's like the writers all sat around together and thought up the most frustrating crap for the characters to go through. It's hard to keep watching a show when every single choice that's made makes you want to throw the remote through the TV rofl.

Start the fun

It's hard to see in the photo, but the test does have a faint faint line on it. Today's PP was much more concentrated since I actually had uninterruped sleep for 5 hours.
I think it's most likely still the trigger shot and the test tomorrow will be BFN. Or hell, I'll take a nice blazing test :P lol
Hmmm... I'm 9 days past trigger. Just realizing that it has been that long, but then it feeling like it's taking forever to get to that could be/couldn't be point w/ the tests.
Hope I'm making some sense lol.

UGH I just got a wave of doubt and dread. Damnit..... I hate this sinking feeling like it's hopeless. I'll be hoping, wishing, praying, everything for a BFP soon. Didn't get that last one until, cd13. Not too long to wait but it's going to feel like forever.

Mood Swings

Not sure if I fully trust today's test. It was only from a 2 hour hold this morning. I dunno... I may just trust it. I can see a hint of a line on the test IRL, but I'm not sure if it has color or if it's just typical IC line that I can usually see. We'll see what tomorrow's test brings.

This progesterone is causing me to have some seriously bad mood swings. Well really not swings, it's just made my temper super short. I've been SO snippy and quick to anger. I really hate feeling like this and hope it doesn't get any more worse than this.

*insert clever title here*

So the tests are still getting lighter and the HPT is still showing a faint line. I'd say either tomorrow or the next day is when the HPT will go -. Hopefully not for long though :)
I had some pretty bad waves of nausea last night and I'm actually getting a littl this morning too. Not enough to where I'm going to throw up, but enough where I want to head to the bathroom just in case.
Uuuuhm, and yeah, really nothing else to report on here atm. Maybe I'll think of something else later :D

DH's Work

Was just thinking about it today. Yesterday, DH said that he was going to have to work this Christmas. He's had to before and he'll have to again next year probably if he can't get someone to switch with him.
What sucks is that they've asked him to work it previous years as well.
Why? B/c he doesn't have kids.
Now don't get me wrong, I understand their thinking in this, but how completely shitty is that for us?
So what, just b/c we don't have kids yet, it means that our Christmas doesn't matter as much??

And this year, besides Xmas, they've asked him to go to California at the beginning of Dec for some stupid ass convention for some bullshit. They could've asked ANYONE, but they know DH doesn't have kids yet, so he's the one they go to. Doesn't help that DH hates saying No to people. That's great for me *wink* but it sucks when people take advantage of that side of him.

Just ugh, frustrates me is all. It's like there are 2 sides, the haves (w/ kids) and have nots (w/out kids) and we're stuck on the have nots.

Oh my poor boobies

Photo sucks but you can see that the lines are fading. Now my urine was pretty dilluted again this morning, but you can still tell that the trigger shot is working its way out of my system b/c of the OPK.
I can't wait for the HPT to go BFN though so I can start getting some real results. I'm so anxious for it to be 9+dpo so I can start wondering if the test will go BFP.
I'm having my doubts unfortunatly. I think it's only natural, but I'm also very hopeful as well.

My boobs hurt like hell. Not as much as I've read some women get. Like can't stand even their shirt to rub them or anything like that. They just hurt if you put pressure on them. And of course DH just LOVES torturing me when they get like this. Always trying to tweak the nips. Yeah, he gets smacked a lot but he still tries. Sigh.... lol

That's pretty much it. Progest sups aren't that bad, I'm just afraid they're going to cause an infection or something.

Up every 2 hours

Alrighty, so I think my tests are SO light b/c I was literally up every 2 hours last night having to pee. And not just tinkling a few drops, no, these were just full on streams of PP as if I had just chugged down a lot of water. So yeah, this mornings urine sample was pretty diluted. Oh well. There's still a line on the HPT and that's really all I'm looking for right now.

Erm what else, Oh the suppositories are making my pee foamy too. Really weird looking in to the toilet and seeing pee bubbles all over the place lol. Oh well.
And yep, that's it from myself. Hopefully I'll stop peeing so much. Hard to do anything significant when you have to go to the bathroom all the time.

Hrmmm, problem

I think my morning time progest sups are going to be a problem. Specially with my metformin BMs.
Used the bathroom about an hour after I inserted the sup, and it looked like most of it was pushed out.
Not worried about the one at night since I could just do that one before bed and then go to sleep.
I've had some instances where I'll wake up to use the bathroom, but at least that's still a few hours for it to absorb.
But the day time one.... don't know what I'm going to do to try to prevent it from being pushed out like the one earlier. I can't stop the BMs from occuring. Damn metformin, and *shrugs* I dunno. Read that laying down for a little bit after inserting is a good idea, so I'll try that. I dunno. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

And so on and so on...

Yep so there's my test for this morning. HCG still going pretty strong. I think tomorrow the OPK won't be a + though.
Just inserted my first progest suppos. I'm gonna have to use one of the preseed applicators or something to help. I just can't reach far enough up. They're not kidding when they say this stuff is waxy and not to let it get too warmed up.

Hope everyone had a fun Halloween weekend.
We had to go to DH's cousin's wedding last night. BLEH. Some people dressed up, but most didn't. Party poopers. I did my face all up to look like I had skin missing over my left eye. And then I colored my teeth to look gross. I did get photos but I'm shy so probably won't post them. I know, I can't help it.
I already have next year's Halloween costume planned. I've done zombie 2 years in a row, time to do something different :D
Anyway, I felt like it was a wasted effort though. Just a boring pretentious wedding.
They had it at the same place DH and I got married. Their wedding I dunno, maybe it's b/c we know them, and don't like them, but it all seemed very fake.
Well, at least the food was good... minus the gross wedding cake.

And yadda yadda, blahblahblah... (insert something else here)