Monday, November 8, 2010

Ramblings of a bored woman...

I'm feeling a bit venty right now and just need somewhere I can get it all out. Seems like the forum buddy groups I'm in, everyone is busy with whatever is in their own lives and don't have time for the forums atm.
That's totally fine, don't get me wrong, it's just lonely though when you have no one to talk to this stuff about.

First, lemme explain about my constant use of the word Hope, Hopeful, Hoping, etc etc.
I know I could easily say pray, praying whatever, but I'm just not a religious person. Nothing against religion or the people who want to follow whichever one. I just don't.
I'm not athiest. There's nothing wrong with that or anything.
I'd say I'm more agnostic than anything. Kind of caught in the middle. I question if there is a God, hell, maybe even Gods. I guess b/c of my doubts, I'm just not comfortable saying pray when used in the same context as hope.
I am a bit of a hypocrite though b/c I do find myself praying sometimes. To what though, I don't know. *shrugs* Really all I can say about that.

In other news... feeling waves of negative emotions right now. Anger, jealousy, self pity.... everything.
I feel like I can't breath when I think about TTC and this cycle failing.

Sigh, these days can't go by quick enough. Not knowing is driving me insane in the membrane.

EDIT: Rambling some more.
Feeling so lonely right now. Like I'm the only one going through this. The rational part of me obviously knows that's a load of crap, but the desperate part wants to believe it.
It's SO difficult when you can't talk to anyone about these things going on.

Fertile people will NEVER understand. This includes women that had a child or 2 before with no problem and are having a difficult time with another. (I'm not talking about the women that struggled w/ their first).
I'm not saying that they don't hurt, it's just different and not the same as those of us struggling to have one.
THEY have their child, children already. If they never have another, sure it may hurt them a bit, but they still have 1, 2, 3, however many.
They will never understand the pain of wondering if they'll ever be called Mommy. They'll never understand the heartache of us childless ones.

I don't mean to sound like I'm angry at fertile women. I have nothing against anyone at all. I guess it's just jealousy mixed with anger at my own situation in all of this.


unaffected said...

I'm with you in the praying/hoping thing. I'm not very religious, although I sometimes pray to whoever is out there listening to such things. But I don't like saying that I'm praying for someone, mainly b/c I won't be praying for them, or for anyone really. Sometimes I feel pressured into saying that I'm praying for someone, though. It's really odd, actually.

I hear ya, on all accounts :)

LisaL said...

Ah, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one :)

Kerrik said...

I'm also with you on the praying part. I sometimes find myself praying, wishing, asking, but I don't know who I'm asking or what. Sometimes I think it's God, sometimes a guardian angel, and sometimes it's just an ask of myself; to be strong, to fight, to be happy and healthy.

LisaB said...

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. :( I do pray, but sometimes I don't know if anyone's listening! I do pray for all my TTC girls and hope that it helps. Good luck!