Thanks!

Seriously, thank you everyone that has commented so far (and will in the future).
It does seem like I don't have any problems actually getting pregnant if I ovulate, it's just STAYING pregnant that's the problem.
I hope if this is really real that it's a sticky one.

I got a call back and no beta today, but I go in early tomorrow morning to get it done. I'm so nervous!


I went out and bought some more tests. 2 packs of Answers (2 tests each). I know, I said I wouldn't buy them ever again, but damn them for having a good price on their tests! lol
I also bought 1 3pack frer and 1 3pack CB digital.

I came home and immedietly took an answer test. I REALLY shouldn't have though b/c there was no hold. I had a nervous stomach before I left that wanted OUT OF ME. Yeah, gross....
So there was only maybe an hour hold if that long.

Something did show up but it's a lot lighter than the one from earlier and I'm really not sure if it is an indent on the answer test.
I'm not using any more of the good tests today so I'll have to torture myself with wondfos and wait until tomorrow.

Here's the answer test.
First photo in untweaked in kitchen light.
2nd is same photo but tweaked (contrast messed w/)
3rd photo is taken w/ natural lighting and tweaked (contrast)

Mostly tweaked b/c I hated that it was lighter and I wanted to see if the tweaking brought out any pink, which it did I think.

So yeah.... I'm super nervous right now for obvious reasons. DH is going to get a surprise when he gets home... that's for sure!

Uhm.... ok then

This was unexpected!

It's faint but there right?

I took wondfo tests and decided to save the PP. If another shadowy line came up again on the HPT I was going to take the last FRER.
Sure enough, another shadowy line showed up so I used the FRER. Immedietly something very faint started to show. I thought it was indent at first, but I dunno.
I'm 8dpo! How can this be?
And also the line on the wondfo appears to be a little darker than this morning's test. Still too light for a photo of it, but it's easier to see.
The FRER line is very visible in person. It's faint though and it's hard to tell if there's color on it.

I went ahead and left a message with the RE though. I said that I am still really early and not sure if it could be a faulty test. I figured w/ my past history if m/c that they'd want me in ASAP just in case.
Not sure what they'd be able to do for me, but we'll see I guess.

8dpo and yeah....

I pretty much just woke up so the crazy dust hasn't had time to take full effect yet.
It's starting to though.

Last night was interesting. I woke up 3 times to pee.
One of those times when I was trying to get back to sleep... I started to get a headache (thankfully I didn't wake up w/ it this morning), and I started to feel nauseous.

My temp also dipped a little. It went down to 98.38. Still nice and high, but just a little lower than it was. I think it was just b/c it was colder in the room and I didn't have my dog plastered right up against me.

Took tests this morning and the hpt has a shadow line. Now, I do know better than to trust ICs completely, but I'd also be lying if I said that it didn't leave me a little hopeful.
I would take a photo but it's way too faint to be picked up w/ our camera.

EDIT: The test is drying now and BOY this is a faulty test. There is still a shadow line, but it's now outlined by 2 white lines. I guess that's where the antibody strip is on the test. It's pretty weird. Never had a test do this before.

Here's a tweaked photo of it. You can see that there is a shadowy line and the lighter white lines around it. Took it w/ the opk just so your eyes look in the right area.

Photos

Some Xmas photos for ya....

Our tree... I wanted multicolor this year

Outside, No flash, and flash

And then close ups of all the stuff. I love my cow, chickens and giraffe! heh
The wire deer is nice too except that now the head lights aren't lit up. Booooo

And bonus photo! Our dog Cid begging for his gingerbread man toy :D He's got that crazy look in his eyeballs!

ARGH! Where are all of the obsessors??

I know they're out there, but it always seems like I'm late in joining the obsess-party!
I always feel like whenever I'm in the TWW, I'm the only one going insane. All of the ones that WERE are either pregnant or on to their next cycles and all the others that I'm sharing a cycle with are normal so I can't obsess any with them lol.

I just wanna talk symptoms or possible ones. Farting more than usual? Tell me about it! Pimples popping up in private places? Share :P lol!

SIGH!
As for my own symptoms... meh. I've had a lot of diarrhea today. YAY GROSS! So thinking the possible uterine aches I felt before were just bowel.
I'm feeling aches coming from my left side now though. Kind of a pressure/heavy feeling.
Probably nothing, but I need to obsess about it anyway.

Forgot

... to mention lower back aches as a possible symptom.

Took a test and still BFN of course :P

Looked at some past posts from last cycle. Seems as though I had some uterine aches/pulling on 8dpo pm.
Lasted until the morning of 9dpo, and then I got the faint BFP on the FRER 10dpo.

I can still hope for that... with a better outcome of course :) 10dpo BFP was nice to get!

Worried now

Well, a little at least.
Kinda scared that I didn't ovulate w/ the +opk and that it happened this past Sunday.
I wasn't taking OPKs any longer b/c I didn't think I needed to.
Would TOTALLY suck b/c we haven't BD'd any time near then.
I remember at the concert my right ovary started aching. I thought it was just the vibrations from the loud music, but maybe not?
Or I thought it was the corpus luteum cyst.....
And now with my temps super high.... I dunno....

UGH this has me upset b/c I wanted to BD after the concert (b/c of the aching ovary), but then we just went to bed.

Sigh, sucks sucks sucks.

IF I'm not preggo and IF I'm actually 7dpo today, then AF should be arriving Saturday or Sunday.


Symptoms? Meh, nothing much. I couldn't lay on my stomach last night. When I lay on my stomach, I usually favor one side a bit more. I couldn't stay that way b/c it caused my ovary to start aching.
Also I thought I was getting some uterus aches last night as well.
Could totally just be bowel though b/c I ate a TON last night.

And I caved...

Lasted longer than I thought I would :P lol
I tested this afternoon. I knew nothing would show up, but still tested anyway! heh
Oh well. Still VERY early so still plenty of time to hopefully get something.

As for my weight. UGH don't even ask.
I didn't exercise today. Wanted to finish putting up Xmas lights outside and I knew I wouldn't want to do that after exercising, or exercise after doing that.
I know it's laziness kicking in but oh well.
Losing weight is like 90% diet anyway. I need to get my eating back under control which I'm doing.
Once I get that going again, hopefully the weight will come back off. Sucks gaining weight back. It's SO damn easy to gain it all back, and SO damn hard to get it off. BOOOOOOO bodies! BOOOOOOO

Does everything have to be a reminder??

I swear, there can't be ANY show on tv without someone being pregnant!

Was watching America's Funniest Home Video last night, and of course they had a segment dedicated to pregnancy.
First video was the mom telling her 2 kids that they're going to get another sibling.
2nd video was of a couple going to the hospital b/c the woman is in labor, but they're stuck b/c a long train is going by.
3rd video was an ultrasound where it looked like the baby gave a thumbs up (that one was actually pretty cute).
I mean the videos didn't make me depressed or anything, but it would still be nice not to be reminded every damn time I turn around!
I'm watching Kyle XY on Netflix right now and I'm sure soon someone is going to get pregnant on that show too! UGH!

Anywho, enough of my bitching....
My temp did jump WAY up this morning to 98.51. I had to take it earlier. Woke up having to really need to use the bathroom. Not sure if that caused the temp to be a little higher or not.
It was warm in the house last night so that may have helped the temp be up there too.
We'll see how the next few days go.
Not sure when I'm going to start testing. Maybe tomorrow, or wait until Wed.
Pfft, who am I kidding... it's gonna be tomorrow :P

Concert

We went to a concert last night! YAY!
It was in Augusta which is only about an hour away so we couldn't pass it up.
It was 4 bands; Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, Hollywood Undead, & Avenged Sevenfold.
It was also general admission for the seats, but thankfully we still managed to get some pretty great seats :)
Was just a really great show. Not a huge fan of all of the bands that played, but they all did a fantastic job and sounded amazing.
My ears are still ringing from it :P lol
It was my first real rock concert. Well, I went to a Guns N Roses/Metallica/Faith No More one when I was a lot younger, but I don't count that one.
This one came with mini moshpits on the floor, crowd surfing, head banging and all that good stuff heh.

There were highlights of the night. There were a few kids a couple rows in front of us. Just having a great time. When Black Veil Brides is done with their set, the kids started to do a bowing motion. The singer of the band saw them, pointed to them, smiled and did it back to them. MAN that made their day. Huge smiles, lots of OMGs and lots of texting to friends or family that weren't there heh.

Another highlight, this one is kinda mean but I'm a bitter old bitch and found it funny. DH and I was sitting in our seats. People were still coming in and the concert hadn't started yet. A few teens behind us kept going on and on about how someone could get any girl they wanted and started pointing out "hot" ones on the ground level. They pointed out a couple girls. One had bleach blond hair w/ a rose in it and the other was a brunette. Welp, those 2 girls were groupies, or at least they were trying to be. Saw them go up to the backstage entrance, talk to the security and quickly got DENIED lol. They scurried away after and started texting and talking to eachother. I just found it funny. I'm sure they used every line in the book to get backstage, but NOPE!

Hmm what else... oh one guy that was across the ground from us. I had spotting him when Hollywood Undead was on. He was shirtless and his girlfriend was behind him w/ a sparkly shirt. He was having the time of his life, but the guy had absolutely NO rhythm at all. He kept trying to head bang and wave his hands, clap etc on beat, but yeah, it was futile. I shouldn't make fun, and I'm really not, he was just someone I noticed and well, he just so happened to be rhythmically challenged :P

And finally, this one a not so great memory and I really hope these 2 didn't kill anyone on their way home. There was a couple in front of us, and I swear, they had to have had at LEAST 10 beers each. Now at $10 a pop, they spent a ton of frickin money, but that's not even it... they were totally wasted by the time the concert was over. The girl could barely keep her eyes open and could barely stand up without wobbling all over the place.
If I had seen them when we came out, I would've pointed them out to the police that were standing outside.
Like I said, I really hope they got home safe and didn't hurt themselves or anyone else.

There were a few other memorable moments but I'll spare you heh.

My ovaries started to ache when we were there. Maybe they didn't like being constantly vibrated by the music lol.

Hmm what else.. oh, my temp dropped this morning. We got home late, so obviously I took my temp a bit later. It was accurate though. Worried b/c of what I mentioned before about the possibility of not actually ovulating. But it could just be my normal pattern. 5 dpo I do usually get a dip in my temp so maybe it's just that.
We'll see I guess.

Hmmm, ok then

I'm not so sure about my temps. It was 97.84 this morning. That's on the low side for post-O for me and I dunno... it has me concerned that maybe I didn't actually ovulate at all. I know that's a very real possibility, especially with my history of not ovulating.

Oh well, if nothing happens, that will suck, but I'm ok with it. Just knowing that my body tried at least is kinda comforting.

Holy crap

My weight gain has gone crazy.
Starting monday, I'll be doing P90. NOT P90X.
P90 is what first came out and it's MUCH easier. There are different workouts for different body parts along w/ a general cardio and general strength workout as well. I've done the general ones and don't plan on doing those so will do the workouts that target specific areas.
I need to do something because... YIKES... seriously.

OOOO We have a concert we're going to tomorrow! I'm so excited even though I'm not a HUGE fan of who we're seeing. Think it's 4? bands w/ the main one being Avenged Sevenfold.

Break Down

I hate infertility. I really do b/c there are just those moments when you have a complete and total emotional break down.
I had that happen to me earlier.
I'm watching the ABC show No Ordinary Family on netflix instant watch right now.
One of the episodes, the father's brother comes in to town, and they find out that the brother knocked someone up.
Well, there was a moment when the brother starts talking about wanting to tell his girlfriend that he was going to leave, but then he saw the baby on the ultrasound and it changed his mind.
Just a totally cheesy tv moment, but good lord, you would've thought I had just seen my dog die or something b/c I started to bawl.
I'm ok now and feel stupid for even doing it.
I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who has moments like this. Just kinda depressing that any of us even have moments like this over fertility issues, ya know?

Happy Thanksgiving!

For all of those who celebrate it. For those who don't, YAY it's almost the weekend! :D

Everyone has left and it certainly was eventful. NOthing says family get together like a HUGE arguement!

First, the turkey turned out GREAT. Lots of compliments on it even though I totally overcooked it.
That's ok though b/c the brine totally saved it from drying out.
My brine solution was about a cup and a half of regular table salt b/c that's all I had, and around half a cup or more of chicken bouillon. Brine overnight, IMO preferably 24+ hours. I think the chicken bouillon is what makes it taste really good.
Put the bird in on a v rack. Bake at 350 breast side down w/ some white wine or chicken broth in the bottom of the pan. Onion and celery in the turkey. Depending on how large the turkey is, check thigh meat, when it's 180 F, flip the bird and cook another 30-40min to brown skin.

Everything else was good too. Well, most of it was good. Some rice and a potato salad someone brought was a little meh :P hehe

Anywho.... on to the arguement!
So bitchface SiL came over pretty early for once. Everyone was having a good time after we had all eaten, and suddenly DH's uncle is upset and says something about how his hands aren't dirty.
Everyone gets kinda quiet, but nothing else is said so everyone starts talking again. That's when DH's aunt chimes in loudly towards bitchface's dumbass husband about how she's helped to raise SiL, DH and other SiL and how she's an adult and he shouldn't be telling anyone to wash their hands before they touch the baby.... basically.
She basically ripped him a new asshole. She gets up, says she's leaving, they get up say they're leaving and they do go.
It all started when her dumbass husband asked the uncle if he had washed his hands before he touched the baby... as if the uncle had filthy hands or something ridiculous like that.
Look, I get wanting to protect your kid, but our house is clean, and it's not people were running their hands through shit and wanting to touch the baby right after.
They were being totally out of line overprotective naive parents and they insulted the uncle and aunt by asking that.
So yeah..... hope that made sense lol.

Everything was a bit awkward after they left, but it settled down.
I'm sure we'll be hearing about this for a while though..... her husband really is an idiot. One of those know-it-all types that actually don't know anything and spew off totally wrong information. And he has to chime in about EVERYTHING too.

Anywho, blahblahblah...
The day started off great because my temp did rise to a post-O temp! WOOO! I think I did ovulate sooner... maybe it had only just happen so my temp didn't have time to rise to where it should? Not sure if that's even possible but it sounds good lol.
I started the progest cream this morning as well. Hope it helps if I did actually ovulate.
I know we def BD'd enough so if I did O, then it should've had to fight through a small river of sperm :P lol....ew....

Hmm, I dunno

My temp did rise this morning, but only to a 97.64. That's not a post-O temp for me. I mean it could be NOW, but going on what I've gotten before, it's about .2+ away from it.
So yeah, not sure what to think.
I guess it could be 3 things...

I just haven't ovulated yet. It could happen today so I'll get a rise tomorrow.

I did ovulate and my temp is slow rising.

Or, I surged with no ovulation.

These next few days will tell me more.
I wanted to start the progest tomorrow, but not sure if I should. I guess I still could if my temp does go up.
I don't want to wait too long to start it.


In other news. Still have some cleaning to do and have baking to do!
Going to make my first apple pie today :D The recipe is #1 on allrecipes so it better be good!
I'm also going to make the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake again. DH really wants it and I just can't say no to him..... ok that's a lie, I can, but I want to make it for him heh.
Going to use those golden oreos this time. It'll probably taste just the same.
I'm also going to be making a nobake peanut butter pie. I know FiL really likes peanut butter so I think he'll like it, just hope everyone else does as well.

Had a slight disaster yesterday. We bought a brining bag from Bed Bath. It's basically a giant ziplock bag.
Well, I put the turkey in, put in the brine, and first problem, the damn seal doesn't want to stay sealed!
I finally get it closed, try to put it in to the fridge and WHOOSH, out comes a gush of water! I thought the seal had opened again, but nope, the bag actually broke open! Grrrrr,piece of crap!
So I do NOT recommend buying their brine bags if you're brining a heavy bird.
I had to wait for DH to get home (thankfully he got home 10min later), to see if he was taking the car to his friend's house. Then I ran out to walmart and bought a pack of those HUGE ziplock bags and just put it all in to it. It's still holding so yay.

Dip

Test this morning was still pretty dark, but not + any longer. Surprised it was as dark as it was though.
I had a temp dip today. My temp had been staying around 97.4 and it went down to 97.08 this morning.
Now just have to hope for a nice rise tomorrow.
If it does go up and stay up by thursday, I'll start the progest cream then.


Everything is so sore today! I dragged down all of the Christmas stuff from the FROG (finished room over garage), and MAN some of that crap was heavy as hell. Plus going up and down the stairs about 5 or 6 times has made my legs sore.

I still have so much cleaning to do. I need to dust everything.  Have at least 3 more loads of laundry to do (not all clothes)... and just other random scrubbing. UUUUUUUUUUGH... have I mentioned how much I hate cleaning?

Ok final one

I know I keep going on and on about this, but THIS does not happen to me. 3 years and the only times I ovulated was when I did follistim.
So yeah, it's a huge deal to me that I could ovulate on my own :)

I think yesterday's tests were still negative. Oh well, either way, WOO!
Come on eggbert if you're in there!


As for cleaning..... I've only scratched the surface. SIGH! This is what I get for putting it off for so long and not cleaning on a regular basis lol.

Ok, now THIS one is def positive

What the title says...

The photo was actually taken before the time limit so it got a little darker after this.
So yeah, even if the one from yesterday wasn't a +, there's no question that this one is! YAY!
Keep BDing and hope for that temp rise! WOO!
This week is starting off great... well other than having to clean.
I'm so excited! I feel like such a dork for being excited to use progest cream. How weird is that :P
*happy dance*
Boy, this put me in to SUCH a great mood!!

Thanks everyone!

You're all so sweet and supportive :)  I hope everyone that O'd has a great TWW w/ a surprise at the end :D
And I hope everyone waiting to O has a nice strong healthy eggbert!

We BD'd last night. Used my wedge, used some preseed, and kept my butt propped up after for around 10-15min. I had to really use the bathroom though so had to get up and take care of business.
No temp rise this morning so still time to get in more BDing.

OPKs this morning are still pretty dark, but have me wondering if I've gotten a + yet or if it's still just really close.
Here's a photo... I'll ask you ladies. If you got this test, would you think it was +? Be honest, it's not gonna hurt my feelings or anything if you don't think it's a + heh

In other news.... cleaning.... have so much to do. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

WOO!

I think I must've caught my surge in the beginning b/c my OPK is now a +! WOOOOOOO

First test was taken around 1pm, this one was 7:45pm.
I'm SO attacking DH tonight. Using preseed, gonna prop my butt up on the wedge and YEAH!
I just really hope my temps indicate that I do actually ovulate. WOuld hate for this to be just a giant tease.
FXFXFX!!

Not a fluke!

I took another OPK a couple hours after the one I posted and it's just as dark.. maybe a little darker! WOO!
It's still not a + but it's SO close.
Def going to BD.
Had to order more OPKs. I'm almost completely out... and I had 100! Yikes.
So glad wondfo tests are cheap.

I checked cm and it's creamy as I always have. Maybe there is EWCM further up? *shrugs*
I am feeling extremely wet down there though.

We'll see what happens I guess. Will have to keep a very close eye on my temps.

OOOOOOOOO

OOOO for ovulation that is! At least, I hope so!
I haven't taken an OPK in 2 days b/c I just got tired of seeing the negative tests lol. Funny how that works... all I wanted to see was a negative test when I was still miscarrying, and now, I want that sucker to be + again! heh
Here's the test from this afternoon. Decided to just take one since I haven't and.. yeah

It's not a positive, but it's close.
I'll def be keeping an eye on things and peeing on more sticks now.
I will gladly take a cd20something ovulation over nothing! I'm so looking forward to using the progesterone cream and just having a chance while we wait to try again!

In other news.... busy busy!
I have SO much cleaning to do and I'm going to be in the kitchen ALL day Wednesday fixing all of the desserts. It'll be worth it. I'm actually looking forward to that part.
Cleaning though... BLEH lol

OOOOO I'm going to start bringing down the Christmas decorations and setting those up! YAY! I've been waiting a year to look at all of my new yard decorations. I'm so excited :D

Kinda just.... meh

I never have any idea what to title my posts :P lol
So I talked to DH last night. Asked him if he'd be ok trying again in Dec if the RE lets us. He said he was ok with it, but I think he only said it b/c he knows I'd want to try then. When I asked if he was sure, his response was "It's up to you." UGH! I hate it when he does that. I can't make a baby by myself here :\

No +opk still. I don't think it's going to happen. Disappointing but I'm ok with it. I mean there isn't much I can do about it so I'm not going to get too upset over it, ya know?

Eating has been good. I did have a mint and a tiny piece of a piece of cream cake last night. We had to go to a wake and they had sugary crap there for everyone. I REALLY wanted to devour the entire piece of cake, but I controled myself lol.
My body is still doing something funky though. I know I'm bloated. I could tell that yesterday when I went to buy some pants. I dunno what the hell my body is doing, or trying to do. I wish it would just start losing weight again.
I do need to start exercising. I've made excuses not to this week. BLEH! Bad me I know.

Oh and the pants... I could def wear a size 14, but bought a size 16 b/c of the fit on my thighs. I guess it was just the cut of the pants, but the size 14 legs were too small. I could still fit in to it, but it was WAY too tight for my taste and just looked... bleh lol. Don't need anyone seeing the shape of my jiggle here :P lol

SIX

Six vials of blood taken this morning! YIKES!
She kept pulling them out and my eyes just sorta bugged outta my head lol.
I thought I was going to get woozy or something, but nope.
AND it's only going to take about a week to get results back! WOO! After googling info on it, I thought it was going to take a month or more from reading others experiences, but nope, both the nurse and the lab tech both told me a week or so. YAY!
I SO can not wait to get the results in. I don't want anything wrong, but like I've said, if there is, I just hope it's something treatable. Get me a baby already damnit!
I'll have to talk to DH about when he wants to try again since the results are going to be in sooner than expected.
I dunno, feeling anxious and excited now.


In other news, my body is still acting all weird. I had 2 apples yesterday which apparently was enough to cause me to gain a pound. I know I know, I shouldn't weigh myself every day b/c it can fluctuate so much, but it's so tempting when the scale is right there :P hehe
Oh well, as I keep up w/ the lower carbing, I'm sure the weight will come back off again.
Exercise will start again tomorrow. I am TIRED today for some reason. I slept pretty well, but woke up feeling exhausted.

Limbo, and not the fun one w/ the stick

So, somewhat news, I go in tomorrow to get blood taken for the other tests whatever they are. Pretty sure it's all of the blood clotting things.
It's so weird to actually wish for something to be wrong. Something FIXABLE to be wrong that is. Just some easy solution that we can take a pill or shot for and POOF pregnant with a sticky bean!
I know it's not going to be that simple and easy though. Sigh... it never seems to be for me.

Still no +opk. They're all looking pretty much the same.
No feelings in the ovaries either. I really think eating so many carbs and sugar has really screwed with my body again. I didn't gain 4+ pounds by eating right :\
I'm back on it today though. I did eat an apple, which isn't that bad, but I can't have that every day. The carbs I do have need to come from veggies and that's it basically. Anything else and it's all going to be stored as fat. I know that sounds extreme but from past experience and what I am now... I think my body is extremely sensitive to carbs/sugar so limiting it that extreme is needed to get my body to do what it is supposed to be doing. If that makes any sense heh.

And that's about it.
Oh if anyone from the buddy group on soulcysters stops by here wondering why I haven't posted.  I dunno, although I'm happy that SO many got pregnant, I just feel out of place posting there now. I know there are still a few others fighting the fight such as myself, but I dunno, it just made me feel lonelier.
It's weird b/c I don't feel that way with another buddy group I've been part of for years now on a different forum. Hell, a lot of those ladies are pregnant w/ their 2nd and I can't wait to read their posts.
I guess it's jealousy as well for me not going to the cysters site. I see women struggling through the same things I am, and when they get pregnant with no medical help, or hell, WITH medical help, I feel more jealousy towards them and their success.
Is that weird? I don't wish any of them ill or anything awful like that, and I do still go there and read posts, but I just can't bring myself to be a part of that group any longer... at least not right now.

False Alarm

Boo, seems as though the darker test from yesterday was just a fluke. Oh well... sigh.
I probably won't ovulate on my own. Not with the weight gained and eating habits.
I'm going back to low carbing starting tomorrow and hope that helps. Bought extra eggs (actually they were free with a coupon :D ) just so I can boil them and snack whenever I get hungry.
My weight is staying steady at 194 right now. Well, somewhat steady, it has gone up and down.
I'd like to be 180 by Xmas. That would be so nice and a great present to myself :)
I'll have to be on top of my eating though and not give myself excuses to cheat like I have been.

Hmm..

OPKs are getting somewhere maybe? Hopefully?
Just took a test not too long ago, and while it's not a +, it's a lot darker than it has been. I'll have to keep an eye on things. Hopefully will get that +!!! I don't care if it does come later, just to get it would be awesome!
I have my progest cream ready to be used if I get the chance :)

Lost control

I need to get my eating under control. I've just been so bad these last few days.
I need to go super strict w/ my carbs again. Start logging everything. That's the only way I'm going to start eating better again.

Doc's office apparently called on Thursday and left a message, but we never got it. So I called yesterday and the RE called me finally at around 4:30.
My hcg actually came back a 2, but he seemed fine with that. Just told me the test he wants to do now and I'm supposed to call in on Monday to schedule that.
Better if I do that. The 2 times that the RE told me to come in before, the staff had NO idea b/c he forgot to say anything to anyone else so I had to wait while every other patient was seen.

cd 16 and still no +opk. I don't think it's going to happen. I'm not feeling anything on my right side any longer. Must've just been a cyst.

Dinner last night was ok. My neice is SO cute. Her eyes are lightening up to a light blue color. It's easier to see her now. Still makes me long for my own and sad that we could've had a baby by now, but I don't think those feelings will ever go away. At least now I don't feel like crying at the drop of a hat.

So tired!

WTH is wrong with my body. I just don't understand.
I start exercising, which you would think would help wear me out and sleep better, but NOPE! Oh I'm worn out but I sleep worse! WTF? I slept like complete crap last night. Of course my appointment was this morning so I couldn't sleep in either. BLEH!
I did exercise, but it was really short. Only did some weight stuff and that was it. I was not about to get on the eliptical or treadmill. I hate them both when I'm full of energy so I sure as shit didn't want to get on them when I'm lagging.

In other news.... there is def something going on on my right O. I felt it all last night and all this morning. FX for that +opk!!

Oh and lunch is leftover squid from last night.

Yikes

I dunno what my body is doing right now but I do not like it!!
I weighed myself after I ate lunch so that could've been the reason why my weight was up so high, but still, it shouldn't have been THAT high. It was 196! BLEH!
Like I said, I dunno why it's that high, but boy that sucked to see. Other than dinner tonight (which still wasn't that bad), I've been doing pretty well diet wise. Maybe some rice or a potato here and there for the past few weeks, but that's still not awful.
So yeah, I dunno what my body is doing. Hopefully w/ the exercising that will help.

As for dinner tonight, it wasn't all that great. I had some rice and I had some pineapple. It was yummy! heh
I also had a chicken breast and some squid. That's one thing I don't like about getting healthy again. Just the initial hunger I feel. Not sure what it is, but whenever I start exercising and eating better, I get HUNGRY! It lasts about a week or so. I would be snacking on some hard boiled eggs, but we're running low right now so I've been eating larger meals... hence the chicken breast AND the squid heh.

Oh and I've been feeling something going on on my right O area. No +OPK today at all, but I dunno, feels like something is going on in there. Hopefully within the next couple of days I'll get a + opk :)

Slight setback

So the price of slacking off for so long is that when you get back in to exercising, you get sore and that has happened to me.
Helps that I haven't been sleeping well once again.
So I'm taking today off. I'm not that sore, more stiff than anything. I just don't want to make it worse so I'm taking today off.

OPKs are still negative. Nothing really going on there. I guess that dream was too far fetched.. hoping for a normal length cycle lol.
Tomorrow is the next beta. Not looking forward to waking up so early, but it will be good to finally get that 0 result and hopefully schedule to come in for the other tests. Get that crap over and done with.

Thunder thighs

I still have im but they're not as big as before! lol
I could see that my pants are getting looser but I actually noticed it today when I was exercising.
Stretching after I worked out and just noticed that my legs have to be pretty close together now for the thighs to touch. Oh they're still jiggly, but it's a start :D hehe

Exercise today was 15min on eliptical. Did very quick high intense sprints on it a few times. Not very long b/c good lord those hurt! lol
I also did more weight training stuff. A few squats after, some weight lifts etc and then I stretched afterwards.

Lunch today is leftover chicken from dinner last night.
I brined and baked a whole chicken last night. Have most of the dark meat left over for today. I usually don't like eating chicken leftover... weirds me out for some reason, but oh well, time to get over that.

OPK this morning is still a negative. I'm only cd12 so not too surprised. I just hope I do get the natural oppurtunity though. That would make waiting to try with meds again go by a lot quicker.

Just shut up and do it!

So I exercised today. I honestly wasn't going to do it, but after visiting Lisa Marie's blog Working on our miracle, her posts inspired me to just shut up and start doing something. I dunno, I guess it was just a reminder that I'm not the only one struggling with both weight loss and fertility issues. Both can make you feel SO isolated and lonely so although it sucks that anyone has to go through either, it was still nice to be reminded that I'm not alone. There are others out there and there are plenty who have overcome both.
I can bitch and moan all I want about gaining weight and feeling like shit and guilty and blahblahblah, but complaining isn't going to get this weight off.
Why am I willing to try everything under the sun to have a baby, but not get myself healthy and I'm sure losing this excess weight will help with getting the baby? I guess losing weight takes a bit more actual work, but still, I want to be around a long time for my kids so that should be motivation to keep going.
And I WAS seeing results when I was exercising.
So yeah.... here I am.

I did about 30mins worth of exercises. I did 15mins on the treadmill. Jogged for about 2 mins and walked the rest.
Also did some strength stuff like squats, wall pushups, ab stuff, kettlebells. I also hopped around at the end and yeah, it felt good to do it. I still hate straining and huffing and puffing, but I'm glad I did it. Now I won't feel guilty for blowing it off once again :)

I have all the motivation in the world to keep going, it's just holding on to that motivation. I lose sight so often and end up stopping.
I need to remind myself that I'm getting healthier for a baby. That even though the results aren't instant, I AM getting results!

Lunch today is some soup. 2c chicken broth, about 3 teaspoons of beef bouillon (I like it salty), a little less than a tbs of coconut oil for some fat, and 3 eggs. Didn't bother to lightly scramble the eggs, just cracked them open and plopped them in to the boiling soup. Cooked for a little longer to let the yolks cook and voila, lunch.

Sorry sorry

I went missing again! lol
There really isn't anything to post about really. Just kind of sitting in limbo here.
OH the spotting/bleeding finally stopped!!!
I think the heavier stuff was AF and once that was done, it just stopped. Probably b/c my hcg is finally at 0 now.
So yeah, there's that great news :D
I've been using OPKs for the past few days. Nada to report there.

I did go out on Friday w/ the inlaws. Felt like I could actually look at my neice without crying. She's so tiny and adorable. While I wasn't about to burst in to tears, it still made my heart ache looking at her. Just made me feel even more incomplete.

Uhm what else.... I go in this Thursday for a final beta. Hopefully get scheduled to come in some time next week for the other blood draw. Get those tests done already.

My eating and weight has been AWFUL. Weight is going up up up and my eating is terrible. We're still doing ok, but w/ holiday crap and DH wanting me to make stuff for work (and having to test recipes first)... our food choices haven't been the best.
So much for getting my kick ass bod by the end of the year b/c lord knows we're not going to be pregnant by then :\

MIA

Was missing in action for the last few days.
Just didn't feel like posting to be honest.

Thank you everyone for the support on Friday. That was such a bad night and awful next day as well.
That night I told DH that he was being mean to me, then said something like no, not mean... insensitive.
He didn't say anything after that, but he knew about what b/c the next night he asked if I was going to SiL's dinner thing at her house. When I said no, he didn't make a big deal out of it like the night before. I think he at least understood a little better that I'm not over this yet and he needs to back off.

Anyway, it's all good for now.... that is until Friday rolls around again and I have to decide to go or not.

We had fun for Halloween. Didn't really do much. My brother and his family came over to trick.
Bro stayed here and gave out candy. DH, myself, SiL and my 2 neices walked around.
That was fun. Was NOT fun doing DH's makeup though. Nothing went right and it didn't turn out right and just UGH!
Next year will be better *NODNOD*

Here are our costumes...

We both forgot to take our glasses off :P heh Oh well.
I think mine would've been better if I had first made the mouth smaller and made my own skin whiter.
DH's would've looked a lot better if he had wanted to be red but noooooooo.
Oh well.

It was still fun, not as many people giving candy or out getting it this year, but it was cold and it was a Monday so not surprising.

I have to complain... now brother's wife is really sweet, and I do love her, but good lord her fuse with her children is so short.
It's Halloween... it's a kid holiday basically where they're supposed to get excited and anxious and want to eat all the candy. Her kids are no different and SiL was not having any of it. I mean she's just awful to them. I understand getting frustrated, but telling them that they're not going to go trick or treating (and not just a threat but actually meaning it), b/c they keep asking when they're going to go?? REALLY??
I just want to shake her.... if her kids are annoying, it's because YOU raised them that way. Stop taking out your frustrations on your kids and making them cry on a day they should be having fun!
And that wasn't even the worst part of it....

I dunno....
I mean I know I'm not going to be some perfect parent or anything close to it, but damn man.. aren't you supposed to have more patients when you have children? Or at least FAKE having more? Don't yell at your kids for acting like KIDS.