Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Well.... I WAS ok...

Today has just been awful.
I was worried all day about my appointment. I was hoping everything would be ok, but I knew deep down that I'd have cysts.
And I was right.
I have 4 large cysts. 1 on my left, 3 on my right. 2 of them on the right are HUGE. And I mean over 50mm big.

I'm pretty much devastated, defeated, angry, everything in the book emotion-wise.
I can't help but feel like nothing is ever going to work. I mean hell, the cycle that DID work, ended up doing THIS to me.

The PA told me we could keep trying, but damn woman, when I don't fucking ovulate on my own, what makes you think I will this time? And even if I do, with these monstrous things in the way, I doubt anything would happen. Hell, it would probably be yet another cyst that gets gigantic.
And who knows how long it's going to take for these behemoths to go away on their own. Could be one cycle, could be more than one. So we could be potentially waiting until August to start TTC again.

And my god damn husband hasn't helped one damn bit. He's so fucking clueless. I don't ask for much comforting b/c I know he's not really used to giving it... he's just a clueless typical guy when it comes to things like that.
But I REALLY needed it today. I mean just a hug, or some reassurances that everything would be ok would've been great, but nothing.
And I know he wanted this to happen. Maybe not THIS way, but I know he wanted to take a break. I know he was sick of taking off of work to take me to my appointments. I know he likes the money we're going to save not having to do injections, blahblahblah.
Plus he somehow thinks that if I lose weight I'll magically be cured of everything and will be normal and regular and all of that rainbow spewing out my ass bullshit. I've always told him that even when I was skinnier (around 150lbs), my cycles were STILL very irregular.
And I know he's happy, b/c he wants to visit his friend in Dec. And me not being hugely pregnant would make that a lot easier.

I am going to focus more on losing weight while we wait, but not for him. Fuck him and his clueless unsupportive ass.
I also bought some stuff called Estrotone. It has black cohosh and other shit in it. Says it's supposed to help w/ cysts or something. Also bought some milk thistle that is supposed to help with your liver, which should help with the cysts.

The PA said if nada by cd35 (July 17th), then call to get some provera. FUCK... so if nothing by then, 7 days of provera... then about 5 days to get AF....... It's going to be August, and even then, the cysts might not be gone.
Fucking monkey balls!

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