In lighter news

We have our anniversary present to ourselves.
We're going to a Weezer concert at the end of Oct. It's DH's FAVORITE band. He's been listening to their new Hurley album in the car since it came out and that's it. Nothing else!
I'm not a huge fan honestly. But DH has never been to one of their concerts, and they're coming to a place semi-close to us so, off we go.
I already told him that we could go to one of their Blue/Pinkerton concerts if we can, so we'll be going to that as well whenever they go to a place we can get to.

I'm really not a big concert loving person, but he's SO happy and I'm so happy seeing him that way. It'll be fun ^_^

Spotting

It just started not too long ago. I know there wasn't anything earlier. Then I used the bathroom maybe 30mins ago and there was a fairly large spot/smudge on the panty liner. Surprised me seeing that.
Wiped and there was watered down red.
Used the bathroom again just a few mins ago, and I passed a very small clot.
Not sure what's going on, but I'm afraid if this is AF, then the RE won't let us start injections again next cycle. Oh gawd, I hope that doesn't happen. I want to start again ASAP... you hear me RE!!! ASAP!!!!!

Art moment

Having an artistic moment right now. It's been a LONG time since I've had any inspiration to do anything art related. Even the nursery, I can't really get in to it. At least not yet.
BUT, I looked up how to make your own mask which I'm planning on doing.
Starting off with plaster wrap stuff. And if I get decent at it, I plan on maybe moving up to leather masks.
Saw one artist's website with their creations, and they are SO cool and sell for a boat load lol. I dunno exactly how well they would sell, but it could be a source of income if I could get good at it. Start off small w/ the plaster ones and work my way up to better material.
Really excited about it, but I have to do a lot more research on how to make the kinds of masks that I want.

Self Pity time!

Just feeling a bit of that "unfair" moment coming on.
Stuff like, women who ovulate on their own have NO idea how lucky they are.
Yes some of them do have infertility issues unfortunatly, BUT at least they get to try every month. At least they don't have to spend money JUST to try. At least they always have a chance and don't have to rely on their doctor's opinion and choice.
I'm just so sick and tired of having to rely on medications to even get my fricking period! I'm so tired of having to hope that my doctor will give it to me earlier so I won't have to wait even longer to try again.
I'm so sick of just not knowing if the next injection cycle is even going to work.
Yes DH has a good job, but we can't keep up with all of the injection cycles for long. I don't see how some couples do it when their insurance covers none of this shit.
And I'm SO scared that next injection cycle, it's going to be a BFN. Before, the BFNs sucked, but after getting a BFP.... I think seeing BFNs will hit a lot harder.

I just want this part to be over and done with.

Better

My vajay is feeling much better today. I can barely even feel anything down there. Thank goodness it stopped itching the first day. I'd be more worried about a continuous itching than a stinging sensation funny enough.
Still no BDing for a few more days at least though.

Sigh, we should be getting an invite for DH's cousin's wedding soon. UGH I will scream if that bitch gets pregnant before me.
Yes, there is that selfish part of me that wants to have the first next generation, but it's not even about that mainly. She's just a god awful person.
During their grandmother's funeral, she came up with a smile on her face and asked me if I knew what her name was. Uhm, WHAT? I was caught off guard and didn't answer her, so she walked off with this smug look on her face. Seriously, WTF?
She's completely irresponsible. Her parents have bought her 2 cars. The 2nd one, she sold a few months later to her boyfriend's parents for over 10k less then what was spent on it so she could pay for her and her boyfriend to move to California (which didn't happen).
Her parents paid for her college. Paid for her to live in an extremely nice dorm.. for her to not even finish her first semester and give up college all together. I know college isn't for everyone, but from what we've heard, she didn't even try. Before she went off, her parents threw her a going away party. Family and friends showed up, and gave her presents, she pretty much stuck her nose up at everything she was given. You know that fake "oh thank you" kind of comment and smile when you or someone else doesn't really like a present they got but they don't want to be rude about it. Well she did that with everything. EVERYTHING. Specially the things her parents gave her, which was a bunch of nice shit for her dorm life.
She is smug, bratty, stuck up, and a HUGE racist.
During a family get together, her and her douche brother started telling fucking racist jokes. And these jokes were AWFUL. I don't remember them exactly, what I do remember is a bunch had to deal with what the Nazi's did to the Jewish people during the holocaust.
UGH I can't stand her or her damn brother at all.

I just hope I'll be in my TWW by the time her wedding rolls around. And gawd damnit..... I'm gonna have to get a new dress for that shit b/c hell, I'm not fucking girly and own like 1 dress which is black and doesn't fit right any longer (my huge fat arms are too big for the sleeves. Damn you fucking girl clothes!).

Ouch

So, I took a look down there and I think we may have torn a little something. I'm not positive though.
I'm about to overshare to shield your eyes if you don't want to look.
I'm not oozing anything funky like I've read how yeast infections are lol. I think I'm spotting a little from it. Like just a barely there smudge on my panty liner. But that's not really surprising considering where it is.
Now I'm not positive what I saw was the tear, since I don't exactly make a habit of looking at myself down there lol, but I THINK it is.
It should be fine though. We'll just have to be a bit more careful with future sexcapades :P


EDIT: Oh yeah.... definitely a tear or something. We just BD'd and OUCH. Going to have to stop the bumping uglies for a while until I'm healed up. Don't do it unless I miraculously ovulate or something (pfft yeah right)

Run small?

Do G-strings run small or something? I know I have some thunder thighs but I KNOW I'm not a 2X in the undies department.
I got one of the lingerie today. The G-string is WAY too small. I could probably get it on, but I'd have to be cut out of it...which could be fun in and of itself but not the point lol.
It's not a big deal though, but makes me nervous for the other things I'll be getting. I hope they're not smaller. Sigh, they could be though.
May have to keep them on hold until I lose more weight.
Bleh, damnit.

It's my Birthday. Whoopdidoo!

Seriously, how can I even be excited about it. I wanted to be pregnant by now AT LEAST.
Oh well, I'm not depressed or anything, it just feels like another day which is how I'll treat it.

Weighed in at 215 on the nose this morning. So I'm actually down a lb from last week. How the hell that happened is beyond me but I am not going to complain about it rofl.

Just made the appointment for the consult which will be next friday, Oct 1st. I really hope he'll go ahead and give me the provera then so we won't have to wait longer. Lets see, I'll be cd24 then. If I get a 7 day dose of provera, and it goes the way it has other cycles, then I'll probably get AF on the 10th or 11th. And then start up injections again.
That would be awesome. I want to get started again so badly. I hate waiting.

Meh

That's about how I feel today.
I think I've been eating WAY too much sugar lately. All the candy and desserts is starting to catch up with me. I def notice how awful I start to feel afterwards. I really need to calm my sweet tooth down. I'm already at risk of getting diabetes, I don't need to push it any further.

My vag is feeling very irritated right now. Not sure what the hell is causing it. Just itchy and dry. The dry feeling is probably causing the itchy irritated feeling. Wiped after using the bathroom earlier and there was some blood.
We did have a few slip ups the other night BDing, so maybe that was the cause. Maybe I have a small cut or something down there. Hopefully it heals up soon whatever it is. Bleh, hope it's not a yeast infection or something like that. I've never had one before *knock on wood* and sure as hell don't want to get one now.

YAY!

Yay for semi-drunken hot sex. lol
Neither of us got plastered, but it was still fun. We have A LOT of alcohol left over. Hopefully that'll be sitting in the freezer for oh, 9 months or so.
I had 2 White Russians, about 4 shots of Porn Star, and then 4 shots of porn star mixed in to 2 drinks w/ sierra mist. The porn star drink doesn't have much alcohol in it. It tastes pretty good though. Mixed with the sierra mist, it tastes like a tootsie pop.
I swear, it seems like I'm some lush or we can only have great sex if we're buzzed. That's not the case I promise lol. We drink maybe once a month if that much. And our normal sex life is just as great. It's just that when we get a bit buzzed, all of those insecurities I have about my body fly out the window and I'm not so focused on that and can just have fun with DH.

I did experience a little bit of spotting last night. It was there when I used the bathroom, but thankfully that was the only time it happened. There was a little bit of residue left, but that was very light and barely there.

Going to start OPKs today I think. If I remember to that is. Felt some twinging this morning on my left O. I doubt anything will happen, but I can hope.

OOO I feel it coming

Boy that title sounds so dirty lol.
I'm talking about a headache though. I can feel one coming on. May be a dehydrated headache. Gonna have to chug down something. I'll take tylenol too just in case though.

But good news, the bleeding has FINALLY stopped! WOOOO
Woke up just dreading what I was going to see when I used the bathroom, and voila! NO BLOOD! YAY!
Now just to get some alcohol and get my freak on lol.
Damnit, but we have to go out to eat with the family so... probably won't be until around 8 until we start to get things going.
And I'm sure everyone wants to know all the other details lol. I know, I tend to overshare a bit, but oh well. We're all adults, not like we haven't heard this stuff before... or done it ourselves *winkwink* heh

I'm excited to get my lingerie too. Not sure when I'll get it. Hopefully next week some time. If I don't look too hideous in them, I'll probably end up buying more in the future. Wish there was more I did like. Like Teddys. I just don't think they're flattering at all though. Not even on the women with fantastic bodies. Most of them remind me of ugly 80's high leg cut swim suits that just don't look good. Corsets I like but they're SO expensive for the nice looking ones, and way too damn hard to get in.
I dunno... Even though I'm not girly myself, I like that about the babydolls. I like how sweet and girly they are. I wish there were more that didn't open in the front though. UGH how awful would that be. Here I come in my babydoll with my belly all exposed and hanging out the front. BLEH. Even if the material is sheer, at least it's some cover.

And yeah, I'll stop rambling.

Woops

I forgot to update today! I thought I had for some reason. Oh well.
So the bleeding is barely there. Hopefully tomorrow morning it will be completely gone.
It's been brown old blood most of the day. There's been some orangy colors stuff, but it has still been barely there. YAY!

Also ordered some lingerie. SIGH. Lol. Found a really good website with a lot of babydolls that I really like. I had to tell DH. He won't know what I actually get, but hopefully I'll look good in it.
One of the things I got was in a 2x. The rest I got everything in 1x. The 2x one was a babydoll that I purchased on ebay. It's one that I REALLY wanted, but everywhere else was $30+, and then I saw the 2x for only $19. I figured I could cinch it up here and there if I have to. It's flowy though so I don't think the size will matter much anyway.

Plus Size Ranting!!

UGH Why couldn't I at least have a flat stomach. It could still be big. I could still be thick, but with a FLAT stomach. God damn you insulin resistance. Damn you PCOS for ruining my body like this!!!!!

I'm 30yo, almost 31 and I don't even own anything sexy for my DH and we've been together for gawd, 12..13years now.
I was just looking up plus size lingerie and NONE of it, unless I want to squeeze my ass in to a corset (which I already have 3, counting the wedding dress one), would look good on me.
Damn you ugly nasty below belly button POOCH. GOD I hate it so damn much but it sure as hell doesn't want to go the F away!
It would be nice if the plus size models were bigger, or had different plus size shapes instead of the gorgeous big boobs flat stomach ones.
Show some frickin lumpy ass, lumpy stomach ones. Show them in all of the same kinds of lingerie so girls like myself can see how we'd possibly look.
Sigh.....
Maybe I should just start wearing my corsets (all bought for my wedding FYI.. although I'm sure they could be used for fun too).... see if squeezing the hell out of the fat stomach would cause the fat to move elsewhere... oo maybe more in to my boobs. DH would LOVE that lol

Rambling

Just decided to ramble a bit.
I wish this bleeding would just stop already!! It better not last until this weekend. I want to get plastered and have a bit of triple X showdown with DH for my B-Day, and well, bleeding would really ruin that plan.

Hmmm what else.
Oh, thank goodness for no more soy. I swear that stuff gives me awful headaches. I still hope it works but I doubt it will. If the real stuff did nothing, then what the hell are the chances that soy, something not proven, would work.
Sigh, I can still hope though.

Oh my HCG came back a 0, so yay for that. At least I don't have to come back to get that checked.
Although now I have to call back to set up an appointment for the consult to discuss what we want to do next.
I don't see what the problem is. The injections worked, how about we do that again huh? See, not difficult at all and it doesn't require us to go in and spend money.

Annoying!!!!!!

Apparently my RE had me coming in tomorrow for my beta instead of today, even though he did say today on the phone.
So gawd damn annoying.
They got me in anyway, and he walks by and says that we should come in for a consult.
I have no fucking idea why and it annoys the ever living crap out of me.

What the hell are we going to go over?? We already know m/c can happen to anyone and blahblahblah.
We already know what's going to happen next injection cycle.
The ONLY new thing I would even want to talk about is going on progesterone after ovulation. I don't think we need a fucking consult for that shit.

I know not all of my anger and annoyance is just b/c of that, but still, it doesn't help.

And no exercise today. I'm still sore. It's better than yesterday, but still feel bleh.

Go away bleeding!

Grrr, it just needs to stop already!! Right when I think it is lightening up, it starts getting heavier again. Not heavy, but light bleeding.... er you know what I mean.

I also learned that I can't handle going to the pregnancy section of the forum that I go to. At least the due date month that I would've been a part of. All of the women that got a BFP around the same time as myself are going to be going to their first u/s appointments soon... and I just can't handle reading about that.
Didn't think I was still so affected by the loss.

Sigh, it would've been nice to be pregnant on my birthday. Hopefully we'll be on the road to it again by DH's next month.

Why Turbo Jam?? WHYYYYYY

It totally kicked my ass. I'm SO damn sore today. My sides, lower back and my upper arms are sore as hell.
SO yeah, I think it's safe to say, no exercising today.
AND I'm going to have to seriously stretch a bit on my own whenever I do it again so this doesn't happen.
My right knee area was really bothering me last night. It got so bad, I could barely stand on it after sitting w/ it slightly bent. It's feeling better today. I think the exercising made it worse or something. I dunno.
It doesn't feel like the actual knee, more like the muscles or tendons or whatever behind it.

Still bleeding!

Grrrr.... when is this going to just END ALREADY!!!
It's like it teases me. Oh it lightened up! It's almost gone! Oh wait nm, no it's not!
BLEH.
It's just a light 'flow' right now.
Can't even call it a flow. More like light gushes.

And I want it gone b/c I want me some DH!! It's been a week I think since we've been able to do anything. Grrrr... I'm getting sexually frustrated!

Turbo Jam

So just got done working out and taking a shower.
I did Turbo Jam Cardio Party. It's a 45min workout and boy does it work you out!!
Not quite like P90 does, but it really gets your heart going and you sweat like crazy. I'll switch it up between P90 and TJ from now on. Just to vary it up a bit.
Going to go watch P90X in a second. I just want to see how intense it is.

Oh also while working out, my right knee is feeling very weird. It's been this way for about 2 weeks now. I sit cross legged a lot and whenever I'd stretch it out or stand up, it's very weak and aching. Not sure what that's about. I've never had a problem with my knees before. Hopefully the exercising will help strengthen whatever is wrong. I'll have to be sure to take it easy though if it starts feeling funny.

EDIT: I'm gonna be SO sore tomorrow. I can already feel it.
Turbo Jam is great and all, but there is not nearly enough stretching before or afterwards.
Going to try to do some on my own, we'll see if it works.

Official Day 1 Weigh-in etc etc etc....

Weight: 216

Upper Arm Right: 16

Upper Arm Left: 15

Upper Thigh Right: 25.25

Upper Thigh Left: 25

Bust: 41.75

Under Bust: 38

Belly Above Waist: 40.25

Waist: 40

Pooch/Hips: 46.25

I hate my stomach so damn much. Frickin PCOS Insulin Resistance! I mean seriously. I was wearing a size 18 at 250lbs, and I'm STILL in a size 18 at 216! WTH???

Sigh, oh well, I'll be back afer the workout to complain some more lol.

Day by Day.....

Not sure how heavy the bleeding is today if anything. Woke up and went right to the shower. Looking at the pad, it didn't look like there was any fresh stuff on it, so maybe it has stopped or gone down to spotting or something. It picked up some last night, so it may do that again.
Feeling bloated, but I may need to go #2. Lovely huh :P

Talked with my cousin last night. The only other person that knew we were pregnant. And I told her that I m/c. I got choked up over it. Didn't think I would but I did.

Weighed myself this morning at it was at 218. BLEH. My weight is going back up for some reason. Maybe it's b/c of this bloating I'm having. I dunno.
Hope it goes back down tomorrow.
Going to start back up exercising again tomorrow. May switch it up and do some Turbo Jam instead of Power 90 all the time. Turbo Jam is more of an aerobic workout though. So not sure how well it will work compared to the P90. We'll see.

Small update

So, I did get my red clover and saw palmetto today.
DH tells me that the saw palmetto can cause birth defects. Greaaaat, so that's money wasted. Unless he wants to start taking it for his prostate, but if it messed with testoterone in women, imagine what it would do in a guy. So yeah, it's going in to the bathroom closet.
I will start taking the red clover though.

Since I have to take so many soy pills, I'm breaking it up throughout the day. It's 10 pills in total (that smell like tobacco, bleh). So I'm splitting it morning  noon & night.

Bleeding has let up a lot but it's still there. Thankfully no more cramping or backache though. Well my ovaries have been cramping a little bit. Funny enough, they start after I take the soy. We'll see what happens.

Day 4... better

I had to sleep on the couch last night. Dog was having some seriously bad alpo farts that lingered. I was going to puke if I stayed in the room.
So went out to sleep on the couch, and of course his cute but stanky little ass followed. Thankfully I was upwind of him this time so didn't smell anything.
Got up at around 3 to use the bathroom b/c I felt very wet. Wanted to make sure I wasn't leaking all over the place, and there was a large clot/tissue on the pad.
Pretty sure it was more than just a regular blood clot b/c well, it was puffy and 2 toned. Some of it was red, other was lighter. I felt it and there was definite mass to it, not just slimy like a clot would be.
I hope I've passed it all, like during bathroom trips without realizing. Would hate to be told that I didn't pass everything and have to get a D&C anyway to clear the rest of it and then have to wait even longer to start trying again.
I think the worst of it has passed though. At least I'm really hoping so. I just don't want that awful backache to come back.

I started soy yesterday. taking 400mg of it. Yes I know, it's a lot. But if I didn't respond to 150mg of clomid, then I figured, maybe I would 200, and soy is supposed to work half as well, blahblah. So I'm taking 400mg of it. I should be getting my saw palmetto and red clover today.

Day 3

Still cramping some and my back is starting to ache again. The cramping I can deal with. It's light and not awful. But the backache, good lord the lower backache is AWFUL. It's not that it's REALLY painful or anything, it's just that the pain radiates out and is a constant pain that you can not get rid of.
Oh well... I guess even early losses can still cause your body to react this way.

DH asked me yesterday if we could get pregnant this cycle. I think he's hoping that I'll ovulate on my own. He knows I don't, but he's hoping. So am I to be honest.
I'm going to try a bunch of herbal shit.
I'm going to try soy iso again. It didn't work for me before, and well, clomid doesn't, but maybe I just need to take the right amount.
I'm also going to start taking maca root again. Going to hve to buy capsules for it though. I can't stomach the taste of it any longer.
Also going to try Saw palmetto and red clover.
It's a lot of shit that probably won't work, but oh well. Might as well try it out for a cycle and see what happens.

Day 2

Not as bad as I thought it would be.
I'm still cramping some. It's weird actually having cramps since well, I haven't had real cramps during an AF since I was a teenager. Well this isn't a normal AF but you know what I mean.
Ibuprofin is my best friend right now though.

The bleeding has let up tremendously. Kind of concerning that maybe everything isn't going to get flushed out, but I think since it was such an early loss, maybe there just wasn't that much to get rid of to begin with? I doubt my HCG ever got to more than 27 since my tests never got darker. So my little bean stopped developing pretty early on.

EDIT:
Seems as though the bleeding may pick up a bit more. That usually happens w/ my AFs. At night it slows down, and then the next day it picks back up.

And lemme clarify what I said yesterday. I did change my pad 5 times within an hour. It's not b/c I was filling one up. It's b/c I was going straight to the bathroom as soon as I felt a clot pass. So when I used the bathroom, the clot would be on the pad. I just was not going to clean it off or something and continue using the pad after that. It didn't happen every time, but well, enough to where I changed it that often.

Gory Details

So, like the title says, I'm about about to go in to gory very specific details on what's happening.
Maybe it'll help someone in the future.

Alrighty, so hmm, where to start. I'll just start off with when I woke up.
So, I had bright red blood w/ my FMU. Just when I wiped though. It was still pretty watered down, but anyone could've told that it was definitly fresh blood.
2nd MU, it was back to being an orangy red w/ a spot of bright red blood.
After coming back from the RE's office, used the bathroom I think 2 more times, and almost nothing on the tp. BUT pretty much right after coming out of the RE's office, my back started aching and I started to feel bloated.
About 30mins before the RE called, I knew it was over. It felt like AF had arrived. When I get AF, I'll usually push down there to help get out any clots, and for some reason I think it's going to speed AF up (it doesn't lol), and I can actually feel the blood coming out. It's the way I can confirm that AF has actually started.
Well that's what happened this time. It was light at first, but it picked up pretty quickly after that.
My backache and bloating got extremely bad. I also started to cramp. I don't think the cramps would've been that bad by themselves, but with the other 2, I was in aching ladybits HELL.
I ended up taking 3 Ibuprofin that seemed to take forever to finally kick in.
The clots started off small and pretty fresh looking, like the blood had just started to clot.
Then the clots started to get larger and darker.
I think I went through about 5 pads in an hour b/c the large clots were coming so quickly. They really didn't get that large. Maybe half the size of my palm or a little bigger. And I never noticed any kind of tissue passing as I've read a lot of people experience. I think I've only ever noticed tissue durig AF once when I was a teenager. It was a rectangle and felt spongy from what I remember.
Weird thing though is that they don't feel like large clots when I pass them. It feels like small clots, but then I look in to the toilet, and there's this big glob at the bottom of the toilet.
Bleeding has slowed a little bit, but this is just the beginning. I'm sure it will probably get heavier again. I won't be sleepind well for a few days, always afraid I'm leaking all over the place and having to get up to change my pad. Lovely.....

Wait...

Scratch the bloating. I think it's turning in to cramps now. Sigh, at least this is happening quickly and not prolonging anything. I just hope it passes just as quick. This sucks :(

Worse

My bloating and backache have gotten worse.
My backache feels like I REALLY need to poop. Like I'm extremely blocked up and it's not moving anywhere.
Bloating is feeling worse as well.
Bleeding has gotten heavier and I'm starting to pass larger clots more frequently. I hope this doesn't last long like I've read some m/c can.
I hope it just lasts as long as a usual period does.

So, it's confirmed...

Just got a call back, and my HCG has dropped to 5.

I've started to bleed more too. It's turned in to a light/medium flow. Small clots right now, but I think it'll get worse soon.
Maybe just like a bad period, like when I did provera for the first time.

The RE said that I go in again next week to get my lvl checked again just to make sure that it's 0. And then about 3 weeks, take provera and hopefully start again.

It's going to be a pain in the ass waiting that long. I guess I'll try to focus on my weight loss again to pass the time.

Sigh... I'm heartbroken. I'll be crying for a while I think, but I'll be ok. I'm hopeful that with the whole 'more fertile after a m/c' thing is true and that we'll have a nice sticky bean next cycle.


RIP my little sea monkey.

Waiting waiting waiting

Just waiting to hear back from the RE's office. Hopefully they'll be calling soon b/c this is torture.
I'm not expecting good news at all.
I just hope when I ask how long we're going to have to wait, they don't tell me a couple of cycles. Hell, I don't even want to hear 1 cycle. I want to start again ASAP.
I'm sad over this loss of course.... but I'm not depressed about it and the loss is still pretty early so my body shouldn't have much if any recovery.

I've had bright red bleeding this morning w/ very small clots. Also really mucousy as well.
Been feeling like how I usually do when AF shows up. Bloated. Also feel kind of constipated, or like there's a big gas bubble that isn't moving. Making my lower back ache quite a bit. I wanna go lay down and relax, but waiting for this damn call...

Bleeding again

So the bleeding has returned.
It slowed down for a while there. Barely there when using the bathroom, and started to turn brown.
Now it has started back up again. Most of it is the same color, but there was a drop of red red on the tp. I think it's going to keep getting heavier.

I took a wondfo test. Got my new batch in today.
There is barely a line on it. Not like before where you could tell it was there and it had color. No, this test had a line that most people wouldn't even see or thought it was just an evap.
Also took an OPK and it's 2nd line was lighter as well.

I broke down when DH got home. He could tell something was wrong and I just couldn't hold it in any longer.
I couldn't talk at first, so after I calmed a little. He asked if this means I started my period.
I said no, and told him that I just bled a little. He then asked if my tests were getting darker, and I told him no.
I think he's still trying to hold on to some hope, but I've lost all of mine to be honest for this little bean.
I just hope next time he/she decides to stick around.
Going to ask the nurse or whoever I see tomorrow when we'll be able to start trying again and make it clear I want to start ASAP.

Same...

Bleeding is about the same I think. No clots, same color.
No cramping either. Makes me wonder if I would cramp with a m/c though since I don't get cramps during AF? Probably....maybe......who knows.

I am however getting some really weird vag pains. Could be cervix pains. Like a spasming feeling. Sharpish pain.
It's more uncomfortable than anything. Noticed it this morning when I woke up, and it kept going for a little bit, then just a little bit ago, it has eased up some.

I did call the RE's office. And the nurse said that spotting in early pregnancy is common and to try not to worry. And to take it easy today.
I gotta do at least a load of laundry, but other than that.... my behind is staying on the couch most of the day.

Bleeding

Used the bathroom and wiped away a big streak of watered down fresh blood.
I've felt wet all day long but nada on the tp.
I'll update if it continues, gets worse, stops, whatever.

Just not feeling it.

Ok, so no testing today. Since I used 2 tests yesterday, I didn't want to use any more today. Well I was going to use an OPK but we've been gone most of the day so I never got the chance. Maybe later tonight if I remember and can get a good hold.

I dunno though, I'm just not feeling very optimistic though. I know I have to stop worrying etc etc. BUt gawd is that easier said than done.
How am I supposed to NOT worry when my beta was so low?
How am I supposed to NOT worry when my HPTs aren't giving me blazing lines?
How am I supposed to NOT worry when I barely have any kind of symptom?
I know some women don't get symptoms, but UGH, I wish I did. Just so I could feel pregnant. Feel like this lil bean is going to stick.

I've been thinking to it at night and in the morning. Telling it that I'd love for it to stick around, but if it can't, then I understand. I'll be sad of course, but I'd understand. Feel like a crazy woman for doing it but it helps a little. I hope whatever little soul it has can understand me.

Seems like I'm getting back some of the really early weird symptoms I was having. Such as pimples and my hair is falling out a bit more right now. Not sure what that means, but hoping something good.

Afternoon tests

They're only slightly darker than this morning's. Meh, not gonna bother to post them.
I just don't think this is a viable pregnancy. I may call and leave a message tomorrow. See if they can do an ultrasound on Wed as well. The aching on my right side has returned. Feels like it may have gotten a little worse, but it's not bad. Just a dull aching. I'm still worried about it though.

21dpt

Things aren't looking too good on the HPT front.
Was hoping today's Answer test would be blazing so I could stop worrying so damn much, but the line on it was barely there.

First test is after 3 mins. There was a line there, but it was EXTREMELY faint.
2nd photo is about 15mins after
3rd photo is about 4hrs after in better light.

Shouldn't my tests be blazing by now? I have to prepare for things to go bad. I have to prepare myself for my beta to come back awful.
I'm not giving up hope, but this certainly puts a damper on it. I just don't want to be caught by surprise by a bad number or if I start to bleed or something.

I'm going to take another test later today at around 2pm if I can get a good hold.

Yay DH!

Love him so much!
I half joked to him that I wanted more answer tests. Of course I was hoping he'd say ok, but I wasn't expecting it.
But he woke me up from a short light nap to go out. We went to Wally World and got 2 more boxes :D
He's totally feeding my crazy and I love him for it rofl.

I'm going to take one tomorrow. HOPE it's nice and dark. Either way, light or dark, I'm going to wait a day or so before using another.

I should be getting my wondfo tests on Tuesday so I'll be able to test every day with those again. Sigh, I really hope the line is dark tomorrow.

My FMU seems to be ok now. At least with the lines on the wondfos that I've been getting. My afternoon PP could be stronger, but I never seem to be able to hold it when I'm trying.

19dpo

Or however many DPO I really am lol.

As you can see, my last wondfo test is just all sorts of FUBARed, but you can still see the 2nd line pretty clearly which is a relief :)

I may try to convince DH in to getting me some answer tests :P lol

Last night was a surprise at dinner. We usually go out Friday nights with DH's family.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't expect then.

His aunt asked me if I was still on clomid or if I had moved on to injections.

I was dreading talking about it, but she started to talk about her own experiences with infertility treatments.

I dunno... it was just... refreshing? I honestly had no idea what to expect from his family, but I was expecting the worst and well... that's not what happened.

Shame on me for assuming the worst though.

She just seemed happy to talk about her own experiences with someone that knew what she went through ya know? And boy did she go through a lot!

Gagging BLEH

Let me explain that my dog Cid sometimes has a problem when he poops.
Not sure why, but sometimes, a little piece of turd gets stuck to his ass, so we have to wipe it off.
Now other than the occasional strong shit smell, it has never bothered me before. Obviously it's not something I enjoy, although I think the dog does.... perv.... but now.... my gag reflex was having none of it.

Let the dogs out, let them back in, checked his booty and instantly gagged when I saw the poo and couldn't stop.
I didn't throw up. A little bit of this thick saliva/mucus stuff came out, but that was it.

And thinking about that, and just the thought of gagging is making me want to gag more.

I'll endure it if it means my bean is staying put.

17, 18? Something DPO

As you can see hopefully, the wondfo is still showing a line. And the opk is nice and dark as well.

Really eases my mind. Woke up early again today b/c well, DH left his damn alarm radio on and I was nervous about my temp.

My temp also went back up so yay for that.

I just wish these wondfo HPTs worked as well as the OPKs. The opks bring up such a nice 2nd line.

One more post..

One more before bed.

Just wanted to list symptoms that I'm still experiencing.

Breasts are still sore. That did go away for a short while, but started to hurt again. Wearing a sports bra so don't notice unless pressure is put on them.

I'm feeling nauseated. I'm not sure if it's my nerves or what though. It has come at various times. Before eating, after eating, before drinking, after drinking, doing nothing, etc. Just a nauseous, almost making me gag feeling.

My appetite has come back a little bit, but not much. I'm still really not getting hungry.

I've had some aching MAYBE in the uterus area. It could be intestinal though b/c I was slightly backed up. Not much, just from the night before, but w/ how often the metformin has me go, just that short amount of time can cause my intestinal bits to cramp up and ache.
So yeah, could be uterus, could be that.

And that's about it. My hair seems to have stopped falling out as much now. Acne is clearing up. I'm really not all that tired earlier. At least not that I've noticed. I took a nap today but that was only b/c I woke up at 5am and felt drained after hearing what my beta was.


Really hope the wondfo test tomorrow shows a good line on it.

Corpus luteum pains?

Maybe that's what I was feeling before on my right side. I thought it was just a regular cyst, but maybe it was where I ovulated from and that was where my ovary was pumping out the hormones.... or something like that.
I'm not feeling it any longer though. At least not on that side. I'm getting some discomfort on my left side now. Doesn't feel the same though. I doubt my ovaries would be taking turns or some such thing. But never know I guess.


Hmm what else. I thought I saw a small spot of blood on the tp earlier, but it hasn't happened again. Even if it was blood it could be nothing to worry about.

Sigh, why is everything a waiting game! BLEH

Little Bean

Finding myself thinking to my little bean.
Just telling him/her that mommy and daddy love it very much already.
And how much everyone will love him/her and how spoiled and just surrounded by support they'll be.
Telling it how much we've wanted them and that I hope we'll get to meet.

It's silly but it's making me feel better, and sad at the same time.

Beta #

It's only at a 27.
Honestly, I feel like it's just a matter of time before I start to bleed.
I know that's so negative, but with what my body has been doing. Like the temp drop, the HPT lines not getting darker, my bewbs not being as sore, etc etc...
I guess I'm just preparing myself for the worse.

I have to wait until Weds before I get another beta drawn. Damn Labor Day or I'd get it on monday.

I hope I'm worrying over nothing. I really do, but I have to be prepared if things go bad.

Beta today!

I really need to stop taking my BBT. I had a temp drop this morning and it's freaking me out. But looking things up on google, looks like temp fluctuates so that could be what is going on. I hope so at least.

Went ahead and took the answer test. Was going to save it for later, but the temp drop scared me in to taking it.

I wanted to be able to tell the nurse if it was lighter or if it was BFN or something.

It looks like it may be slightly darker than yesterdays, but not by much.

The wondfo looks like it is darker though even though the photos don't really show it.

Also took a photo of the answer test a couple minutes after the 3minute mark. The instructions say to read it then. Dunno why b/c the line continues to darken for at least 5 more minutes. Maybe even 10.

Oh!

Forgot to mention, I've LOST 5 lbs. WTH? How the hell did that happen?
No, I haven't had an appetite the past few days, BUT I've been making sure to eat when I usually do AND I've been eating just as much.

I have been getting bad diarrhea for the last couple of days, but 5 lbs? Really?
I weighed in at 220 just last Weds at my annual!

So that's 5lbs in a week. Any other time and I'd be thrilled by this. BLEH

Update

I can't hold my pee for very long. I know that's a symptom, but I think it's just from me thinking about it.

I took another wondfo hpt and opk though.

The HPT looks a little darker than this morning, but still very faint.
I took the opk b/c I was just curious to see how dark the line would be. It's actually pretty close to being a +. I know the photo doesn't show that very well though.

I know I should try not to worry so much, but my breasts aren't sore any longer. I know w/ hormone fluctuations, symptoms can come and go (from what I've read at least), but it's not very reassuring w/ the light test this morning.


Was thinking about waiting to take a test tomorrow, for after the appointment, but I think it would be better if I took it before.
That way if it is a negative, I can tell them what the tests have been doing.

I'm running low on wondfo HPTs. Only have 3 left. I have a bunch of OPKs left though which doesn't really help anything, but oh well. Maybe it'll be a good thing when I can't test any longer.

Answer test is lighter today

The answer test is lighter and I am terrified that this is going to end in m/c.

I don't know what to think. On one hand, the answer test IS lighter, but on the other, the wondfo seems to be about the same as yesterday's test.

Tomorrow's beta draw can't get here soon enough. I am really freaking out right now.

Going to take another wondfo later w/ a really good hold.

I am praying that my morning urine just didn't have a good concentration in it or something.

Oh gawd, pls let our sea monkey stick.