About time!

Sheesh, about to pull my hair out waiting for blogger to come back up. Boy how pathetic do I feel right now admitting that? lol

Anyway.... So much for my good mood! It has all gone down the crapper and I am in that depressed state I usually get in about this time.
Obviously my hpt didn't get darker today.
There's an ever so faint ghost nothing line on the hpt, but seriously, it might as well be BFN, so that's what I'm counting it as.

I took another test around 11:30 b/c one again, PP from this morning was really dilluted.
It's only slightly darker, but again, should be considered BFN. It's had a lot of those damn round indents all over it, but figured it wouldn't hurt to ake it anyway.

Just feeling so beaten and out.
I know for most women 10dpo is still early, but damn, my LP is only frickin 11 days long! I don't have a lot of time to get a BFP. If there's a baby in there, it needs to have implanted yesterday!

No temp to record for today. Oh I did test, but I was SO restless last night that any temps that I took were really unreliable.

Bedtime- 11.
Woke up at midnight to pp.
Woke at 1:20. Figured I'd take my temp anyway. Took it, it came back at 98.13. Used the bathroom again while I was up.
Woke again at about 2 briefly.
4am, took temp again. 97.9, pp again.
Woke up at 5 to let the dogs out.
Stayed in bed for about 30mins after that and finally got up to cook breakfast.
Laid back down at around 6. Kept waking until I finally got up at 8. Took temp, and came back at 98.48

So yeah, temp was ALL over the place b/c my sleep was so screwed up. None of them as high as the past 2 days, but still in the post-O range.
Still, seeing that none of them were as high really got to me though.
I mean, I wanted to think the 2 high temps were a fluke, but of course I was hoping they weren't.

Symptoms..... meh.

My boobs don't hurt any longer. They did early this morning. The multiple times I got up, my boobs would ache a little when I moved.
Just took a look at my nipples. Earlier, they looked like they were lightening back up, but now appear to be about as dark as they were. Meh. They're not as sore though... not that they were really all that sore before.

I was experiencing some nausea earlier after I ate an early lunch. I think that was just coming from my anxiety and mood.

Woke up with a headache. I felt it coming on early this morning, but thought it would go away once I went back to sleep. Nope. Thankfully it didn't get too bad before I took some tylenol for it. I can still feel it though. I thought it was from the restless night, but headaches that linger even when I take something for them are usually hormone related (some of the other symptoms, such as the acne help to confirm that).

I had an awful dream. Kinda similiar to another I had in this TWW. Dreamt that I kept checking my panty liner and it was filled w/ blood. For some reason in the dream, at first I didn't realize why it was happening, then it finally hit me that I wasn't pregnant.
I had a few more funky dreams when I went back to bed after fixing breakfast. Only remember one. I was laying on my bed w/ my old HS best friend. I look over, and see a doppleganger of my bestfriend. This new one comes and stands on the edge of the bed. I call it her name, and all of a sudden get a sense that this thing is evil. It slowly looks down at me w/ this evil, psycho look on it's face, and I startled awake.

Face is breaking out. Not much, but a little is enough.

The lower backache I felt yesterday came and went throughout the rest of the day until I went to bed. Must say that made me hopeful but *shrugs*

Also last night, I was getting hot flashes. Now I think this kinda has to do with hormones and the weather. I tend to get hot very easily when it's warm outside. Maybe not exactly how a flash feels though, but I do think it wasn't helped by the warmer temps.
Just feeling like this is another failed cycle. I don't want it to be.... I'm desperately hoping it's not, but just feeling so hopeless and useless right now.

What the hell is wrong if we can't even catch one out of 5 frickin eggs IF that many mature ones released?
Every failed cycle just keeps chipping away at me. Feels like that hole in my heart opens just a little more.

I know I should remember that I didn't get BFPs until 13dpo the 2 times I did get them, BUT I m/c'd both times. How is THAT supposed to ease my mind? Ya know?
I want to be happy, I want to remain positive, but I can't. Not right now.

Going to go take a nice long shower and read some. Hopefully get my mind off of this long enough to feel like my world isn't about to crash down around me once again.