Sun room door entrance wall decor thingamajig

How's that for a blog post title! heh

I've finished up the thing I've been working on. Would've had it done sooner, but oh well, it's done now.
As I said, it looks like Tim Burton has thrown up all over the wall, but I think it looks neat.
I really wasn't trying to get the Burton look, it just ended up that way. I wanted it to contrast with the other wall thing in the living room which is very flowy and smooth and round.

Here's the rough sketch that I did when trying to figure out what I wanted to do

After looking at it for a bit, I liked the sketchy look and tried to kind of keep that going when I actually started it.

Here's the finished product. A far away shot with doors open and closed

And here's a closer look at it w/ the doors closed (obviously).

I may add a little more to it, but I'm not sure yet. Maybe glue some photos to the wall and create a frame around it using this stuff. I think that would be pretty neat. Specially to fill in some of the spots.

Fat Head

Just watched a really interesting documentary called Fat Head on netflix. It basically calls the dude that did Supersize Me a big fat liar and proves that he must've been cheating to say the least.
It was funny and actually really interesting and informative.
Basically just got me even more determined to try the Paleo diet out.
The guy that did this doc also ate fast food every day for 28 days. He ate the way he wanted to b/c well, as he pointed out, no one is forcing him to eat certain things. He ate hamburgers, fried chicken, french fries etc etc. and within 28 days, he actually LOST weight. Instead of worrying about how much fat he was eating, he would try to not eat more than 100g? of carbs a day.
I think his starting weight was 206, and by day 28, he was down to 194. It was pretty impressive and I wasn't expecting that at all.
He also tried another experiment where he ate basically a lot of high cholestrol or fat high foods, butter, eggs, bacon etc while eliminating refined carbs and sugars to see if his health would get worse. Nope.... it actually got better.
Color me shocked. It explains it all in the movie. I would highly suggest watching it one day if you're interesting in that sort of thing.

Oh and speaking of diet. I told DH that I wanted to try the Paleo and he's on board... for the most part lol.
He loves his dairy, so I told him he could have some, but hopefully once I get this book in and he reads up on it a bit more, he'll give that up as well. I really hope it helps with the insulin resistance, which in turn would help w/ PCOS symptoms.

Meh, not bad...

Mixed some greek yogurt w/ a fruit cup (diced peach in juice). Also added in half a pack of truvia after tasting it without lol. Just not a fan of plain non-sweetened yogurt.
But now it's not bad at all. Tastes just like any other yogurt you can buy. Also going to have a yum gold delicious apple.
So yeah, nice and healthy lunch. Still a lot of sugar though. Next time I'll just pour out the juice and only use the fruit w/ probably a little more truvia added in. I know it's still not the best thing for me to eat, but it's a start. Maybe try just sweetening the yogurt and dipping the apple in to it. I'm sure that would be pretty good too.
I like this greek yogurt though. LOTS of protein in it. Think it's something like 23g of it in 1 cup/serving. AND it has less lactose so it's easier on the stomach if you have a problem digesting dairy.


I did P90 Sweat 3-4 today. My eyes started getting heavy in the middle of exercising. That was pretty weird.
I also had to slow it down right near the end b/c my stomach started to feel a bit nauseous.
It was still a good workout though.

________________________
Ya know, I always thought I was pear shaped. Before hopping in the shower, I backed up some to try to get a good look at my body, and I am very rectangle now. I used to have really big hips b/c my booty was huge. It's still pretty large, but apparently that has been going away. My hips aren't going to get much smaller (other than booty size), thankfully or else I'd start having an apple body shape. My upper body is still pretty large and fat while my lower body is apparently losing all of the weight (except for my fingers... sigh).

Why do you hate me???

Huh body? WHY??
I slept like complete crap last night. Tossing and turning all night long and never got in to a deep sleep. Well, not counting the 20minutes this morning before waking up finally. UGH
And even that wasn't restful b/c I had a dream, and in it it was basically everyone talking about SiLs pregnancy. REALLY?????

I'm ok right now but I am going to be feeling it later.

About to go exercise. Honestly, I don't feel like doing it, but I'm going to anyway. Can't let myself slack off for no reason. I just had a nice long 2 day break.... that should be good enough.

Body Issues

Just wanted to update on what my body is doing or not doing... whatever.

Feels like I keep having CM gushes down there. I checked CM and it's very lotiony as it usually is when I'm not going to O.

Pimples.... actually kind of clearing up. Still have a few popping up here and there, but not really that bad.

Feeling REALLY tired lately. Like I haven't been getting enough sleep. My sleeping hasn't been great, but I shouldn't be feeling like this. Not sure what's going on. It feels like I want to take a nap starting at about 3pm. It goes away, but then by 8pm, I'm ready to go to bed.

My depression is making me feel like I want to puke. Well not all the time, but when I think about DH's sister, and just everything. I get that awful feeling.

The inositol MIGHT be helping with the extra hair. It could just be wishful hoping though, but it looks like the hairs are coming back in lighter... not as thick as before. I hope it's not just my imagination. I hate having to pluck them all out!

OO, and I know this isn't a big deal for people without belly fat, but laying on the bed, my ribs are actually starting to poke through the fat! lol You can't see it when I'm standing up, but laying on my back, WOO there they are!!!  rofl

The inlaws

DH's parents had to come over tonight so they could use our computer to do their taxes (we always buy TurboTax).
I was dreading them coming over. DH's mother is a bit of a nosey type. Thankfully though and to my surprise, she didn't mention a word about anything. DH must've told her not to or something. OR maybe she just figured she shouldn't, who knows.
I know she's told everyone else by now though. Why?
Because about 10-15mins after they left, DH's aunt called to see if they were still here.
When I informed her that they had already left, she asked me if I was ok. UUGH.
I don't want to sound like I resent them caring... I just don't want it brought up. As soon as she asked it, the tears started to flow. Thankfully she didn't keep me on the phone much longer or she would've gotten an ear full of ugly sobbing talk.
Just shows me that even though I'm ok most of the time, as soon as something or someone reminds me of why I'm sad, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I honestly don't know how I'm ever going to face his sister. She's just going to keep getting more pregnant. It's not like I can avoid them for forever, and I don't want to.
Maybe when we're actually trying again, I'll be able to.

Oh and no insurance letter yet. UGH I want to smack DH. Frickin procrastination. He had plenty of time to do it today, but oh no, he had to do other stuff, and then his parents came over and had to use his computer so blahblahblah. Pissed at him right now for not writing it. He has something tomorrow as well. I told him, he's not getting out of doing it on Tuesday.

Being healthy is expensive!!

DH and I decided to try to eat a bit healthier this week. Our grocery bill was a lot more to show for it! YIKES. Hoping with the weather starting to warm up, fruit and things will go on sale more often now.
It wasn't all healthy, or as healthy as we could be, but it's healthier than what we usually end up getting.
Been reading about the Paleo diet and think I may give that a try startng next week. I'm not good with eliminating foods, so I'll try it out slowly. I bought a book about it so will read up on it.
It sounds like a lot of PCOSers have really great success with it and a lot of their symptoms disappear.
So yeah, will probably start trying to give it a go next week.
This week is going to be slightly healthier eating as well. Carbs and sugars are going to be meh. Fruits b/c well, they're sugary lol... and carbs b/c the grocery store was having a REALLY good sale on Honey Nut Cheerios so we got 2 boxes of it. HN Cheerios aren't that bad though, and I plan on having that w/ an apple or banana or some greek yogurt w/ fruit added to it and an apple or whatever for a lot of lunches this week.

Emotions... Still feeling depressed, but overall I'm ok.

And on a nonsexual note...

Alcohol is def a truth serem for DH lol. That's kind of actually why I wanted to drink to begin with. Just to get him to open up emotionally about all of this, and for myself to open up as well.
I know it's kind of sad, but it works for us.
So last night, after the whole experimental sexual circus....
We were laying down and that's when I asked what he told his family.
He said he told his mom that I was depressed b/c we just had a m/c. I don't think he mentioned the other one and not sure if he said anything else. He said his mom told him that he could tell her anything.
He also told me that he also can't really feel excitement for his sister and his family b/c he wants us to be pregnant.
He starts beating himself up over waiting so long to try. Told him, Even though I wish we would've started sooner, can't do anything about it now so there's no point in dwelling on it or feeling guilty about it.
It was all very sweet and of course I'm crying through all of it.
I try to explain to him better why I'm feeling the way I do. I think I did and he understood.
We also talked about when we're gonna try again and April seems to be when. He really wants us both to lose some weight before then. I think we're both hoping that w/ some weight loss I'll respond better to the meds.
I asked what if the insurance won't cover us any longer, he said we're getting X amount back from taxes, but I mention all of that needs to go to paying bills... most of that being from the injection cycles, specially the last one. He still told me April though. So, happy to at least know that this break won't be too long. That eases my mind a little.

And yeah, I cried a bit more as he fell asleep.
I wish we didn't have to have alcohol to open up to eachother like that. You would think after what.. 13 or 14 years we'd be UBER comfy saying anything to eachother, but it's just our personalities are so similiar in this fashion. Oh well, we have our own system and it has worked so far :) heh

So yep... there it is in a nutshell. I'll continue to exercise. Try to lose as much weight as possible during this time. And I'll continue to exercise during the injections as well. I'll probably stop after the trigger though.
I think once we are ready to try again, I'm going to tell the RE that I want to be a bit more aggressive with the injections. Start at a higher dose and up it more each time if it needs to. I want more than 1 follicle.

Sex....

Yes, I'm talking about it.
We got our drink on last night and tried out some of the toys we bought.
C-rings... not for us. The vibration from them makes his whole willy vibrate, but honestly, it doesn't do anything for me.
We also tried out the little free gift ones... once again... nothing for me. Even right on the sensitive areas, it wasn't doing anything.

We also watched the porn. It was just meh. I guess typical general sex porn that actually got pretty boring after a while. We'd lose interest quickly in it, start doing our own thing... look up, see some other people having sex, and just ignored it most of the night.

We also tried the different lubes we purchased. I tried out some of the mint flavored Good Head gel on him. The flavor of it is good, but the consistancy of the stuff is a bit goopy and thick so that didn't really help with anything honestly.
The warming gel. I couldn't feel it but DH said he could. So meh for that.
And the regular lube did it's job. The strawberry smell from both the warming gel and the regular one was nice.
And finally, we tried the Not Yet stuff. It comes in SUCH a teeny tiny little tube, but you only need a little bit of it. And yep, it works... at least for a little while it does. Apply it to him and wait 10mins. We waited about 20 just to be sure. It def worked, but I think as things kept getting erm.... wetter down there, it rubs the stuff off of him or it just wears off. Either way it still lasted a pretty long time.

The truth...

Well, DH went off with his family to eat. I asked him what he was going to tell them when they ask why I'm not there. He said he didn't know, and I just told him to tell the truth.
He thinks, well thought, I'm depressed b/c his sister is pregnant. I told him it's not about her at all and of course started feeling that uncontrollable kind of sobbing coming on so I couldn't talk.
I guess he thought the only reason I was depressed was b/c she's pregnant and I'm not. Of course that makes me sad and jealous, but it's not even the reason.
Hopefully I got at least some of why I'm feeling the way I am before he left. I don't want his family thinking I'm this selfish bitch that can't be happy for them.
I am happy for them deep down, but my own pains are overwhelming every part of me right now.

Poor DH doesn't know what to do for me. Him just being there is enough for me. Listening when I need him to and talking with me.
He's writing the letter to the insurance this weekend. He was going to do it last weekend, but doing the taxes took up most of the day.
I hope the insurance gets straightened out. I don't know what we're going to do if it doesn't.

Body good, emotions... bad

I did P90 Sweat and Sculpt. Didn't finish all of sculpt though.
It was just the 1-2 circuit for the sweat, but I tried to work out a bit harder with it to get a good workout in. With sculpt, I started it, and just didn't feel like doing it. I did a few bicep curls, swimmers press, did a round of lunges and squats and that was it. Just wasn't up for anything else.
It's something though and my body is feeling really good. Just a sort of refreshed feeling.

My emotions on the otherhand.... I've been feeling so down all day. Going through different scenerios in my head and making myself cry pretty much. I've been working on the living room thing, but it hasn't taken my mind off of it.

Definitely going to have a talk with DH tonight. Try to figure some things out and have a plan.

WI, Measurements, my depression......

I'll start off with the weighin and measurements.

Weight this morning was 212.8. I think it's actually a little less than that b/c I hadn't done a #2 yet, but that would only take off a fraction of a pound anyway so not even going to worry about it.

Bust- 42.25
Underbust- 38.25
Above bellybutton stomach- 40
Waist- 39
Pooch- 44
Hips- 44
Right upper thigh- 26.25
Left Upper thigh- 26
Right upper arm- 16.75
Left Upper arm- 16.75

Some of the measurements are down, some are up.
It's difficult measuring in the same spot unless it's something like my waist which is obvious (and that measurement was down by .5 inches woot). So I know some of these aren't accurate.

I just basically started exercising anyway so I shouldn't expect too much yet. Hopefully next week's WI and measurements will show some significant improvement.


Still feeling bummed out about last night. I know I'm going to have many days like that too which sucks. Really going to have to have a talk with DH and ask him when he wants to try again with injections. I know he wants to focus on losing weight, but I don't want to wait the months, hell, even years it's going to take me to get to a normal weight. And I just need to have a time line. I want to try again in April. Hopefully he'll agree. In the meantime I'll keep up with the exercising.

I guess my body just needed an extra long warmup period b/c I'm feeling fine today body-wise after the good workout yesterday.
My back was a bit sore and achy last night but that seems to have cleared up thankfully as well.

Do they have radar or something??

Seriously, does DH's family know when I'm feeling better so they can call up and just shoot that shit to hell?
I was feeling good today. Still sad yes, but good.
Everything was going so well. We were watching a movie, and the phone rings.
Guess who it is!
It's his pregnant sister. As soon as I saw her name on caller ID my soul sank.
I handed the phone over to DH and he talked to her. Apparently her dumbass wanted to ask him about some anti-nausea meds. Of course she wants to ask about something like that.... of course she does.
And DH..... DH is completely clueless. He doesn't get how awful I'm feeling. I know I don't give him much information though so it's partially my fault as well for his cluelessness.
After he got off the phone with her, he went in to the computer room and all I did was cry and then try not to cry even more.
My temper got the better of me and I yelled at one of our dogs, and he asked if something was wrong.
I told him I was in a bad mood and he asked why. REALLY????
My reply was something along the lines of, what else would it be?
After a few seconds, he guessed it and said something like, "but you weren't mad a minute ago."
I snapped his head off and told him I was and had been since SHE called.
He didn't say anything after that.

I hate feeling this way so much. I hate crying over this. I want to be one of those people that can be happy for family getting pregnant. That can look at them, and be around them, but I can't. I don't want to see his SiL. I don't know if I ever will. SHE is a constant reminder that we've failed... that my body is failing us. SHE is my reminder that I may never go through what she's going through. SHE is a reminder that I've lost 2... and she's going to probably be delivering around when I would've been. I can't stand this......

See... this is what happens...

...when you don't have sex for almost a month! You get all horny and start thinking up a WHOLE mess of ways you're gonna get down and dirty and start wondering about toys and such.
Got our other goodies today in the mail. And yes, I'm about to post about them. So if you don't care to read on about sexual things then skip over this :)

First up

I'll start with the free gift first. It's a different mini little vibrator than the other one. It's the Mini Baseball Bat Bullet.

It's so cute. Looks like a little exclamation point.

Next up we have
Not Yet gel for men. It's exactly what it sounds like
It desensitizes a man

Lemme say, DH has NO problems in this department. We both thought this might be fun to use every once in a while for extra long romps.

The C-Rings. C standing for well.... a male chicken.....
DH picked both of these out. I think they look interesting, but I dunno, the idea seems painful. If ya don't know what they're intended for.. well.. google it :P lol
First one is the Boss C--k
Very unassuming little thing. It stretches out quite a bit so I guess it won't be painful afterall. It has a small little vibrator and yeah, that seems like it works very well. Feels a lot stronger than the bullet and that other free gift vibe that we got.

Next C-Ring is called the Smokey Elephant. BLEH. As I said before, I dunno why they use animals in sex toys.
It has an elephant's head and trunk on it. I get the symbolism obviously, but still.. BLEH. And this one is HUGE. It also has a ring for uhm... the other part for him down there. Now I was def afraid this was going to be painful, but it's a pretty large ring for uhm.. the berries.
Vibe on this was is ok. About as strong as the bullet. It doesn't have a nice on off button though. Just screw the cap on tighter to start it up and unscrew it to make it stop. Plus it takes 3 batteries while the other one only took 1 tiny one.
He wanted it though, so whatever

And finally

Yep, we bought our first ever porn together. Awwwww, so classy!
Neither of us are really porn watchers. We've watched some together before, but it was more of a joking around thing then. Like a "Hey look at this! *laughs*" sort of thing.
I've been telling DH maybe we should start getting some so.. yeah, in our drunken sex starved minds.. we thought it was as good a time as any hehe. There are some other parody ones I wouldn't mind getting if this one is ok. And who knew porn DVDs cost so damn much??? Frickin insane some of the prices!



So yeah, there's another look in to what we'll be experimenting with this weekend. Are ya traumatized yet? hehe

P90 is so good

I hope to one day be up to a fitness level to even attempt P90X, but until then, I'll stick with my regular lil P90 videos.
Just did Sweat 3-4 circuit. It's still all the same exercises as the 1-2 but adds in extra reps and goes a bit faster. REALLY good workout.
I'm not sure I'll be able to do the 3-4 with sculpt afterwards. May have to stick to doing 1-2 w/ sculpt. That's ok though since I've really just started out.

I have my official WI and 2nd measurements tomorrow. I've been weighing before I get dressed to workout and it's down a little, but I know that can easily go right back up. Hopefully it won't though.

Feeling a little better today. Not wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, but I'm still feeling really down and depressed.
Thinking about all of the great things DH's sister is going to experience and just dreading that I'll never have that.

One last thing

Before I head to bed.
After exercising tomorrow. I'm going to work on the wall sticker out in the living room. Not the big swirly one, but the zombie one.
Bad photo, but this thing

It's above the door that leads in to the sunroom. It's a bit out of place, so I'm going to add a hell of a lot to it tomorrow and however long it takes. It shouldn't be too long for most of it.

The rest of it may not really match the lil zombie and his victim though. From what I have sketched... it's going to look like Tim Burton threw up all over the entry way lol. Looks cool in my sketch but we'll see how it turns out.

It's something that will hopefully keep my mind off of all of the depression stuff. At least for a little while until I feel like continuing the nursery mural.

On a lighter note

Some photos to enjoy to help lighten the mood here for now.

A potato we had that was smirking at me.

And our cat Stewie dressed in a panda costume we had purchased for our dog Cid when he was a puppy. We never actually dressed him up though so this costume (along w/ a lion one) were in my closet collecting dust when DH found them.
Our Fat lil Stewinator actually started to purr :P

Ouch!! part 2

Feeling a little better, but am still crying at the drop of a hat whenever something reminds me of all of this.... which is everything.

So we DTD tonight. Honestly, I really wasn't in the mood, but DH wanted to try out the wedge.
Figured it couldn't hurt anything and it would take my mind off of things for a little while.
Well...scratch the not hurting anything part!
The wedge works VERY well. Lemme tell ya.
We did it missionary w/ my booty elevated on to the wedge.
We did it right after dinner so DH was not about to lay on my stomach, so he had to hold himself up. That was a workout for him. Didn't help that he had done weight training today so his arms were tired lol.
Now it was good, but I am still VERY sore down there.... something I was not aware of until we started. YOUCH. I mean seriously, it was like first time raw pain.
The position didn't help matters either. If you're not familiar, being in that kind of position helps to promote deep penetration. Yeah, that was hurting too... but that one was actually in a good way rofl.
I mean at first it was almost too much, but I gritted my teeth (seriously.. I did), and stuck it out and it was good in the end. Not great b/c I was in pain, but good.

We also tried some of the new lube. The embrace stuff. Not sure how much DH used. Couldn't really feel anything but I think that's b/c of me. For some reason right now, I am REALLY watery feeling down there. Not sure what's going on, but I think b/c of that, we couldn't really feel the lube at all. *shrugs* Not like it's going anywhere so maybe later.


Oh and finally, I told DH not to expect me to go out to eat with his family for a while. (and here come the waterworks). He's not the best w/ his words so he said "Whatever". Lol I know that sounds bad, but it wasn't said in a cold way or anything like that.

On a different note

Should probably mention things that are occuring with my body right now.
Not sure if it's good or bad, but it may be useful to have this info down the road maybe.

I've been getting a lot of dull headaches. Taken tylenol as soon as I feel them coming on. I know yesterday and today has probably just been from the crying though.

My face is still breaking out. Not as bad as I thought it was going to though. Still breaking out on my forehead and around my temples where my glasses sit.

Felt a little bit of aching/pinching in the right O area when I was working out. Not sure if this is still a cyst or not though. I haven't felt anything other than that today so I think my cysts have already gone.

I did take an opk this morning. Line on it as usual but nowhere near being a +. Not that I was expecting it to be or anything.

Hooha is feeling much better today. I'm sure I'll have at least 1 more day of rest. Nothing like a crying depressed wife to turn off the DH.

And I think that's it. Probably not but that's all I can think of right now.

Well that didn't help

Thought there might be a slim chance that exercising would help, but no. I just ended up bursting in to tears afterwards.
I feel like such a selfish drama queen. So many women have to go through this with multiple women they're close to, and here I am, breaking down over ONE.

I really hope DH won't make a big deal when I tell him I'm not going to go out to eat with his family for a while.

A new day....

...and I still feel like crap.
Cried myself to sleep last night, and of course I had a dream about all of this crap this morning. Awesome brain.........
The dream.... Myself, DH, His sister, her husband and MiL were all sitting with eachother trying to figure out when her due date was. Since she's irregular and she wasn't sure when she even had her last AF, she had no idea. SO I start barking out dates and she keeps saying that I'm wrong (even though I'm not).
Cut to another scene and we're helping them get crib parts in to their home b/c they're already starting to set stuff up for a nursery. She still had just found out about being pregnant, but she looked like she was probably 5-6months along already.

Seriously brain..... I know it's on my mind and all, but ya couldn't just NOT dream this one damn time?

Getting a headache from all of the crying I've been doing. This is going to sound so dramatic and cheesy, but it feels like my soul is broken.
I guess the only good thing that will come of this is that I'll probably lose more weight now b/c I have almost no appetite.


Thank you everyone for the support. It's so greatly appreciated and I dunno where I would be without it.

Poor naive DH

This news has seriously made me depressed. I've been crying about this since he told me.
I forgot to mention one part of the story.
He said she might be pregnant. I asked why it's only a might and he said it was b/c she hadn't been to a gyno yet. Which probably means she got a positive HPT.
It's not even about her getting pregnant easily, b/c she didn't. She and her husband have been married for a year or 2 longer than DH and I, and have been trying since they got married (he was stationed in the Middle East for a while though, but still, they've been trying longer than us). She's also plagued with irregular cycles. So she's also struggled with infertility..... BUT the difference is that she hasn't had to go through all of the shit we have. Even though she is irregular, she still does get AF and does ovulate on her own.
I'm not angry or sad that she's pregnant, even if I don't like her at times.... I'm angry and sad that I'm not.

I know people say now should be a good time to take a break from it all b/c of how I feel, but no... it's not.
Being on this break... specially since it's b/c I m/c again makes this all even harder. If I knew that we were going to be able to try again next month, or hell, even the month after that... it would give me something to grasp on to. Something to hope for, but I don't even know WHEN we're going to be able to try again.
DH is no help either.
I know he's been delaying writing the letter to the insurance company because he doesn't think they're going to cover us again. And he's probably right.
But that doesn't bother him. Why? Because he's under the impression that we still have a chance to get pregnant naturally. NM that I don't ovulate on my own or anything. NM that even when I was thinner (like in the 140-150's), I still had VERY irregular cycles. I remember when we first started going out (when I was that weight), and eventually started having sex. I'd go MONTHS without anything resembling AF. I would often buy HPTs b/c of the absense of AF.
He thinks me being thinner will suddenly make me ovulate. It could, I'm not going to deny that, but it also may not. I may still be right where I am now, just skinnier and still not pregnant and angry that we hadn't been trying with medication in the hopes that my body would start working.
I'm not angry with DH though.... I just feel alone.
Just feeling completely beat down and utterly hopeless.
I won't be able to go out to eat on Friday with his family for a while. I know if she is pregnant, that's all they're going to talk about and I'm going to burst in to tears in front of them and in public and that's just not going to happen.
I've put on a strong face before.... I don't have the energy to do that any longer. Well, not right now at least.

Well there went my good mood

DH came home... had a look on his face and asked if his mom called me.
All I could think was "Why the hell would his mom call ME of all people?"
I ask him why, he tells me that his sister (the younger one) may be pregnant.
I know it's better to hear it from him but good god that is not what I wanted to hear.
It's not even about wanting to have the first grandchild any longer. It's just yet another reminder that I can't get pregnant. Just another reminder that the only 2 times I did, they ended before I could even feel anything.
That the ONLY chances we have is with expensive medication that we can't afford right now.
It's not fucking fair that it feels like every other woman in the GD world has a chance every month while broken me doesn't.
Yes I am wallowing in self pity but fuck it... I don't care. I'm going to b/c I deserve to with all of the shit I have to go through to even have a frickin chance.

They've arrived! Sex stuff ahead!

Probably been here since this morning. I didn't hear it get delivered. They usually ring the door bell. I know our dogs would've gone crazy if they had so must've been super early when it arrived.

First up... lets talk about the Liberator Wedge.
It's a LOT bigger than I was expecting it to be. I'm glad it is though.
It came in it's own little carrying baggy w/ handle. It features a couple on eachother, but I'm sure that can be easily taken off for a more discreet appearance.

A lot of reviews I've read always rave about how it doesn't look like a sex toy, and that is very true. It looks just like a regular foam type of pillow. Anyone that is not familiar with the liberator products would have absolutely NO idea that it's anything but a wedge shaped pillow, which well, it is.

The cover on it is very velvety soft and easily removed. There is another cover up under that that prevents stains and such from reaching the foam

Before fully removing the outter cover to wash. I tested how strong this was on our bed. Now I'm a 200lb woman, and this thing held me up damn well. It sank in a little of course (otherwise you'd have a rigid edge digging in to you :P), but this still held up my booty damn well. I imagine someone of a smaller size would be held up even better. This is going to come in VERY handy for TTC amongst other things ;)


Next up, GoodHead flavored oral gel.

I purchased these for DH obviously. I have to be in a certain mood to do oral and thought these would be fun to try out to maybe help get me in to that mood more often and just to spice things up some.
I'm tasting them right now, and so far. Not bad at all.
The texture is like a slightly watery hair gel and it's not leaving any sort of sticky residue on my finger which is a definite plus since I wouldn't want to leave DH sticky (specially if we're not done yet.) And they're waterbased & sugarfree as well so won't screw things up in the hooha area if you decide to get freaky.
Cinnamon- Not bad. Cinnamon isn't particularly a fav flavor of mine to begin with but this stuff is very subtle and not overpowering at all.
Mint- Very good. I didn't think I would like it for some reason, but it's minty and yum.
Passion Fruit- Just has a sweet flavor. Not bad but not my fav.
Cherry- Least fav out of the bunch. I usually don't like any sort of synthetic cherry flavor unless it's tart/sour. If it's too sweet it reminds me of cordial cherries which I hate. This isn't bad, but just not a flavor I like.
Strawberry- Really sweet. Has a pleasant cottoncandy aftertaste to it.
Overall not bad. Subtle sweet flavors.


Next we have Embrace.. intimate lubricant.. strawberry flavored/scented. It's also waterbased and sugar free.

Little on the finger. Sweet smell and a very subtle flavor to it. Very slick. Dried up on finger, leaves no sticky or any kind of residue.


And now for some Hot Motion Lotion. Strawberry flavored/scented

Same as the rest w/ the water and no sugar.
Rubbed a bit on the back of my hand to test out the warming sensation. The smell of the stuff is nice. There's hardly any taste to it.
At first there was no warming sensation. After 2mins, it started. Slight warming to the touch, but def gets warm when you blow on to it.
Leaves a light oily feel which I'm still on the fence about. Will have to test it out on eachother to see if that makes it better heh.


And finally, the free gift.

 The site I ordered from has free gifts with any order. I'll get in to that in a sec.
This is the free gift this time. It's a little finger vibrator thing. This is my first ever vibrating anything. I haven't used it and don't plan on it until I'm healed down there.. and even then I'll let DH do the work ;)
It kinda freaks me out that it's in the shape of a dolphin though. WTF? Why are so many vibrating toys in the shape of animals??  BLEH.
Anywho, I already put in the batteries. It's a bit loud, but seems to have a decent vibe.


I ordered everything in strawberry flavor b/c I didn't think I would like anything else lol. I think next time I'll try for mints instead.
I ordered everything from the website edenfantasys.com . For the free gift, you have to first, find out what the gift is. Put it in to your cart, then put in the promotional code (GIFT) in to the correct area and it will subtract the price of it to 0. Easy enough :)
I'm sure there are other places that may be cheaper. We may try out adameve.com as well for whenever we want something else.

That's everything for now. As I said, I ordered more last night. A few things DH wants to try out.
Hopefully DH enjoys what we have so far though!

Ouch! *whisper* down there....

Damn our sexcapades! They've left me all raw and sore down there. DTD last night and although great, sure didn't help matters.
Going to have to take a break for a few days to heal up. Booooo b/c we're getting the wedge today. Oh well. It's not going anywhere... and tonight can be about DH ;)
I'll take photos of everything we get today. Yes it's all sexual things so if you're not comfy with that, here's your warning for the later post.
We ordered some more stuff last night too. Heh... hopefully will get that later this week. I'll post more on that once we do get it.

I'm still feeling pretty banged up and sore so I'm taking today off to rest. I think by tomorrow most of my bruises won't be bothering me... specially the big butt one.

Bruised ass!

I was planning on doing P90 sweat and sculpt again today, but I just did the sweat instead. The bruise on my ass is really bothering me. Plus apparently, my hip area is sore as well. I know I wouldn't have been able to do any of the lunges or squats in the sculpt part so just decided to skip it.
That's ok though. I'm happy that I got in the sweat at least. Not a fantastic workout, but it was better than nothing.
Weighed myself before working out and came in at 212. So down a pound hopefully. I'll do an official WI on Friday along with taking measurements again.

I noticed this morning that my fingers are looking a lot thinner and it made me angry at my body even more lol. Really body?? Out of ALL the areas you could noticeably lose weight... and you picked my fingers??? I know it's silly, but damnit! I don't care if I have chubby fingers... lose from somewhere else! Stomach or face would be nice....

Better today, but sad

Just found out last night that 2 women from the 2 buddy groups I'm in got surprise BFPs.
Let me say that I am nothing but happy for them and can't wait to hear about their experiences through their pregnancies. I need to make that clear in case anyone from there reads this and thinks that they shouldn't post any longer or something silly like that. I enjoy reading about my forum friends' experiences through their pregnancies and about their babies and all of that great stuff.

Just seeing their BFPs made me sad for myself is all. Just this last early loss hit me again and seeing their newly gotten surprise positive tests just reminded me that nope.... I'm not there yet.
I'm no uberly sad about it. Just a little bummed is all.
But like I said, I couldn't be anything but happy for these 2 awesome ladies.


On a different note. I will be exercising today. My body is still beat up to hell, so may take it a bit easy, but I'm doing something.

I hate the day after

I really do! Specially if I drank too much like I did. I always feel like crap the day after. Doesn't help that I am ALL banged and bruised up. I have a huge bruise/lump on my ass cheek. No idea where that came from. DH doesn't remember doing it. I think I must've just bumped in to something. Back of my neck is sore. My forehead and under my chin are bruised. I think b/c of when I was throwing up. The toilet became my very hard pillow lol.
And my lungs hurt from the puking.
Thankfully today was a lazy day though. Didn't have to worry about grocery shopping like usual. DH is off tomorrow so we're going then.


Oh I forgot to mention this oh so wonderful person I saw in the parking lot yesterday.
We were just starting to pull out of our parking space when a car parked in to a space in front of us. All of a sudden, I see the woman driver smack the ever living crap out of whatever is in the passenger seat.... TWICE. I'm not talking about just a slight smack. This bitch was not holding back.
Well we were already about to drive off, and that's when I see a little child's head pop up in the front seat. The child couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old. NM that it didn't look like they were in a childseat b/c well, they were up front.
All I could do was groan. My heart just completely sank after I saw that.
I wish I had said something. Told DH to stop or get the license or something, but when you see something like that happen... well for me... you're just not prepared for it ya know? SIGH. That poor little kid.

I just don't understand why people like that are always the ones that are the most fertile. WTF nature... WTF.

On a good note...

AF is gone. Was basically gone yesterday. Just a barely there tint on the tp first thing in the morning and that was it. So YAY!
You know what that means..... bow chica bow bow....
Well yeah.... that didn't really go as well as I was hoping it would. I drank WAY too much and last night is a haze. I do remember throwing up my chinese food dinner though..... BLEH.
I'm slightly hung over, but I woke up around 3am and took some ibuprofin and an antacid. Probably not a good combo, but it worked.
It's all good though. Just have to remember for next time not to drink so damn much lol.

Almost...

No exercise today. There's really no reason why I'm not going to other than I'm just deciding not to.
Although I would love to go at it all hardcore like I wanted to to begin with, my body is just not up to doing that yet. I'm hoping that since AF is almost gone (or gone by now), that my body will stop being a bitch and start working for me.
So yeah, right now, I feel like I do need to take extra time to let my body heal. It shouldn't take long though. Usually when I start exercising my body acclimates quickly to it. Hoping that will be the same this time as well.

As for the almost..... we almost DTD last night. UGH It was torture!!!! I was still wearing a pad though so that took any kind of sexiness out of the equation on my part rofl.
AF is either gone or almost gone today. Yesterday it was only there when I used the bathroom and by the night was barely there even then. SO I'm hoping today it's gone or will only just be a slight tint on the tp.
I already told DH that we're DTD anyway so he better be ready. His response "Well I'm not eating anything!" ROFL... BLEH!
Oh he knows just the right things to say to get me all hot..... *searches for that sarcasm button*

Anywho... I am getting drunk and going crazy tonight. I'd rather be pregnant, but I guess one of the small SMALL pluses to not being is that I can drink... and gosh darnit.. I'm going to!

Feel good, but getting a headache

As the title says. I feel good after my workout. My right calf was giving me a little bit of a problem, but it wasn't so much that it made me stop or anything.
I am feeling tired which is right on queue for when I've been taking naps. Gotta resist it though!

Been reading more reviews on the liberator wedge. Seems as though people REALLY enjoy the ramp. It's just a larger version of the wedge.  Maybe if we enjoy the wedge we'll get some of the other ones too. There's this one called the hipster on their website that looks really comfy and fun ;)

Oh and I think I def have some cysts. Yesterday I was feeling really small aches on my left O area. And laying on my stomach, that side just felt a lot more pressure.
And today while exercising, I bent over and felt a lot of pressure on my right side as well.
I'm not worried about it though. Neither has really been bothering me at all and I know they'll go away on their own.

Why Body? WHY???

Why is my body torturing me??? I couldn't get to sleep until frickin 5am!!! And that was only b/c I went out on the couch and laid down AND that took a while for me to get to sleep as well. BLEH!
Woke up a little late and thankfully right now I'm feeling ok. Going to resist taking a nap this afternoon at all costs.
I AM exercising today. Maybe that will also help with the sleep tonight.
My right calf has been really sore since yesterday. Hopefully w/ the warmup stretches and such it will go away.
Ya know, weird thing... my right foot was hurting. And I thought exercising may make it worse, but it actually made the pain disappear. How weird is that? The pain was on the top of my foot. I couldn't feel it all the time. Just went I  bent my foot a certain way and I could walk just fine. *shrugs* Not complaining, just weird heh.

Nap time

No exercise today. Ibuprofin really didn't kick in until late afternoon. I started to feel dizzy and just bleh.
I took a very unrestful nap and yeah, woke up feeling worse. Decided not to exercise.
Hopefully my body cooperates with me tomorrow so I can do something.

I think I'm going to alternate P90 with Turbo Jam. Do the 2 P90 workouts one day, then the next do Turbo Jam cardio.
That way it will give my muscles a rest from the weight lifting stuff not that I'm lifting heavy weights or anything lol.

Up late. Even though the nap earlier sucked, it's keeping me up.
I'm about to talk about my sex life again. It's part of this whole TTC mess so why the hell not. *nodnod*

Just ordered some lotions for later use w/ DH *winkwink* lol. Can't really use this stuff while trying since it could harm the sperm and whatnot, so figured since we can't really try right now, might as well have some fun. :D
I also ordered a Liberator Wedge. I've wanted one for a while now, but the steep price always put me off. Decided WTH... I'll get one anyway. It seems to get nothing but good reviews. It has to be sturdier than pillows up under my bum (whenever we do it that way). Should be fun to try out, and will also help w/ the hips up afterwards to keep the swimmers in as well hehe.
If we end up liking it, I may buy the ramp as well down the road.

So yeah.... now for this AF/ m/c to end already so I can get my freak on!
It was about medium/light today. It's slowly going away but not quick enough IMO.
Watching DH work out... getting all sweaty and breathing heavily.... SIGH! Damnit......... lol _/=^_^=\_

UGH!

My body hates me.
I slept like crap last night and I woke up with an awful headache.
Didn't sleep well= my muscles haven't rested so I'm all stiff and sore today :(
DAMNIT! Exercise will probably happen late today. Going to try to rest some and hope my body feels a bit better and this headache goes away.
My body is working against me here and it sucks!

It's a love hate thang

As I've said many times before, and will say many times again. I HATE exercising. I hate the strain, I hate the sweating, just everything.
But god do I love the edorphin rush afterwards. Just makes you feel so good. AND that sense of accomplishment is a big plus as well.
Now to just get that rush after giving birth :P

Lets see. I did P90 Sweat & Sculpt in that order.
I didn't bother with the abs.
I really think doing the sweat first helped me do better w/ the sculpt workout, Well, at least the lunges and squats part. I usually maybe do only 1 or 2 lunges and squats and I quit, but I did almost all of them this time b/c my legs were nice and warmed up from the cardio exercises. Only reason I couldn't do all of them was just b/c I was getting tired.
It was a really good workout though. At least IMO hehe

I weighed myself before starting and it was back up to 213... almost 214. I think it was 213.8 or something like that.
So yeah, I think it only went down before b/c of water weight. I was hoping it would stay down but I'm not gonna beat myself up over it. So long as it keeps going down from this point on.

TSH, AF, and uh... yeah..

TSH came back normal, so I stay on my current dose of synthroid. I figured it would. Dern, I wish I remembered to actually ask for a number though. SIGH!

AF has lightened up some thank goodness. I really hope it won't last longer than my usual AFs. That's still long though. UGH I hate having a week long AF.

I've been having some weird sex dreams lately that don't ever actually get to the sex part.
Like the one from this morning.
I dreamt that I was part of a demon hunter organization. The demons looked just like people, but the way we could tell that one was close was that we'd get uh..... horny. ((I swear, my dreams would make awesome pornos rofl)).
I remember in one part of the dream. I was shopping in a grocery store when all of a sudden, I start feeling well... horny. So much so that I can't control it and start moaning and groaning on the floor making a huge scene. A fellow hunter comes to the rescue though and swoops me out of there. After regaining some composure, I get embarassed and angry that I won't be able to shop there any longer :P lol
Skip ahead, I'm in a meeting w/ a bunch of other hunters. I start getting that feeling again, and that's when I spot this new guy I've never seen before. He's giving me smoldering romance novel eyes, and the closer I get to him, the randier I get.
Of course I realize what this means and make a scene demanding to know what a demon is doing there. Our captain or whoever the hell is in charge informs us that he's on our side, and I get all huffy and mad.
A while later, I calm down and go to talk to the new demon dude. He's sitting by himself on a couch and of course the closer I get.... Well I make it over to him, and sit next to him to talk. Suddenly he grabs my hand and I see he has a HUGE boner lol. Apparently it works the other way as well. They feel the exact same way whenever we're close.
He says something like.... It's the same for us. What are we gonna do about it?
And in the dream, all I could think was something along the lines of... It's time to get it on bitches!
We're planning to meet up in his room. I go there a little early, strip down buck nekkid, and yep.... that's when I wake up! Boooooooooo
Rofl..

I know it always sounds like I'm some huge perv that wants to have sex dreams all the time. I'm not! I swear lol. It's just that when this is the only action I'm getting, or have gotten in a while... damnit.. it would be nice to have a completed one! >:P

And yeah...

It went about as I was expecting it to. Really nothing new brought up and nothing done.
I'm not angry about it though. Slightly disappointed, but not upset over it.
He basically said the same things we heard the last m/c. Don't know why it happened, could do blood tests, but he doesn't think they're necessary etc.
He said that he feels like we will get pregnant, we just have to stay persistant. Oh he doesn't know who he's talking to lol.
I mean it wasn't a bad consult or anything, it's just things we've already heard before.
I'm good though. We're going to take a few months off from the injections. I'm gonna focus on losing some weight, and hopefully once we start back the insurance thing will be sorted out and I'll be in a bit better health.

RE appointment today!

MAN! He better have some ideas on what is going on. I feel it that this has something to do with implanting or failure to implant. It's just too much of a coincidence that both of my BFPs start off the same and end the same. This one ending a bit sooner, but still... same thing!

No loving last night. I just can't while I'm on AF. Even if it's just a little bit of spotting or something, I can't do it. Back in the day we tried DTD while I was on my period, and BLEH that was not fun for either of us.
Just no... no. I want it, BOY do I want it, but I can wait. I've waited this long, I can wait another week or however long this lasts.

I'll be back later with the update on whatever the RE tells us.

Drowning my sorrows.....

...in donuts and sex dreams lol.
DH brought home donuts yesterday after his paintballing thing. I inhaled 3 of them. I don't feel guilty about eating them at all, and I won't for eating the ones we have left either. Sure I may gain weight and the sugar and flour isn't exactly helping, but right now, I could care less about that.
I figure I deserve to eat whatever the hell I want right now and I'll worry about working it off later.

As for the sex dreams. SIGH. It was a quick one and there really wasn't any sex. Or well, I woke up before the sex happened. I won't go in to any details, but it was gonna be a good one lol.
MAN I want to pounce on DH! It's been 22days since I've had any lovin!! UUUUUUUGH. I mean yeah, I wasn't in the mood b/c of the progesterone goop, but still. 22!!!! Holy crap! I am feeling the absense of it now. Geeze. When I'm on the suppositories again, we're gonna have to figure something out b/c this is insane. Specially if I do get pregnant and stay pregnant. That would probably mean I'd have to stay on the sups until I was what, 10 weeks? I'd have to get me some.

So yeah, this is where I'm at right now.
I want to oink out on all of the junk food, and I want to pork the hubs. At least I can do one of them.......

Facebook. BLEH

Even though I love the internet and could not imagine life without it. I just can not get in to these websites like Facebook, Twitter or hell, even myspace.
I've never even been to twitter. I think I signed up for myspace and visited it maybe 4 times total. And Facebook, I only have it b/c of the cousin I speak with.
I've accepted friend requests from other family members but I don't talk to them. I don't want to.
Anywho... I went on Facebook tonight to accept DH's friend invite. He just joined the other day b/c he wanted to see photos his coworkers posted.
I go on, and see that a different cousin has just given birth to a son. BLEH.
I was never close to her, but I used to be with her sister.
Not really any negatives to say about her or anything... it just made me sad for myself is all. Which is one of the main reasons why I'm glad that I don't Facebook.
I see so many women upset over Facebook announcements from friends or past friends and such who exclaim that they're pregnant and I'm just happy I don't have to deal with that.

Oh wait, one negative thing to say about her. She posted a comment complaining that she always had to hold her baby or he'd cry. Really bitch??? If only we all had a LO that wanted to be held and cuddled. If only we had that "problem".

Finally

It started last night. Still no actual flow to it, but I did just wake up. I'm sure it will start. Been wiping away really mucousy discharge along with it.
It started at around 8. All of a sudden I started feeling really bloated. Then my lower back started to ache about an hour later. Went to the bathroom, and yep... lots of stuff on the tp for the rest of the night.
Took ibuprofin to help.
Dern, was hoping that if it didn't start, I'd go paint balling w/ DH today. Oh well, I'm just glad it's here.
I may or may not exercise. It depends on how I'm feeling. Right now I feel pretty crappy and we've run out of ibuprofin. Awesome.....
I may take off a day or 2 depending on how long a heavy flow lasts and how heavy it is.

Inositol, OPKs, HPTs!!

Just got my 2 big bottles of the stuff. It's in powder form. Looks and feels just like powdered sugar and actually has a sweet taste to it. Dissolves as soon as water hits it so not at all difficult to take.
1/4 tsp= 600mg. Not sure how much I'll be taking. Maybe 2400mg a day or more.

Also got in my OPKs and HPTs. So I'm all set to go, now just to hope my body decides to work.

Now I remember

Why I hate doing eliptical and treadmill.
I only managed about 32mins today.
I absolutely hate doing the eliptical and treadmill. I try to watch a movie while on either, and I can still never take my mind off what I'm doing so it makes it feel like it's taking FOREVER. 5mins feels like frickin 15.
It's awful. It's so dull.
I did eliptical today and I don't even feel like I got in a good workout. I'd much rather do dvd workouts. I'll do that tomorrow. I just can't stand doing the eliptical again, or the treadmill... ever!

Sleeeeeeep

I needs it!
UGH another restless night. I just can't get comfortable. Tossing and turning all night long. Waking up every 30mins. BLEH. Even laying on the couch, which usually knocks me out cold was a waste of time.
I'm gonna be feeling it later today...

I've been drinking more liquids so will probably gain back some of the weight that was lost. I was really dehydrating myself so I could take tests. I really need to stop doing that *nodnod*
Speaking of tests, I ordered more OPKs and HPTs. Can't remember how many. I think 50opks, and 30hpts? Well I think 40hpts b/c the opks come with 10. It's something like that.

No flow yet. Still lots of red and tiny clots. Probably still have some progesterone in my system still. My temp dropped again today so hopefully it will start later.

I'd be a great prisoner.

Not that I've ever been to jail or anything :P
I had to call the RE's office to make sure it was OK to stop the progesterone sups.
With the test being BFN, and the increased bleeding, they said it was up to me.
I went ahead and cancelled the beta on Monday as well and set up a consult with the RE on Tuesday afternoon.
I really hope he'll have some ideas on what could be going wrong. Ideas that don't involve us doing IVF.
Maybe print out the femara coupon and see if he'll prescribe it to me. I doubt it though. When I've brought it up before, he seemed to think femara was just a fad.

This is it!......maybe!

First, no exercise today. I chose sleep instead. I feel a little guilty, but it's not like I can't just exercise tomorrow.
Will probably do the eliptical tomorrow since DH will be home and I hate exercising in front of him. But maybe me doing it while he is home will motivate him to start.

On another note, I did take an answer test just a little while ago. BFN. I'm not going to bother w/ the progest sups any longer. Also when I used the bathroom then, wiped away what looked like AF type of blood along with a few small clots. Just want it to start already.
Was thinking maybe I could use the rest of the sups down the road to bring on AF, but not sure if they would work like provera does? I probably won't even bother.

5 times!

I had blood drawn today to check my thyroid and had to get stuck FIVE times!!!
I know I have tiny veins but damn. Seriously?? It's a good thing I'm not terrified of needles, but that still sucked.

I hate going in to my OBGYNs office though. Nothing but pregnant women including the staff. The lab tech that finally got it looked to be about 5months along. NM the 3 or 4 women that came in w/ their huge baby bumps. Awesome, because I always need reminders that I'm still childless and can't seem to stay pregnant. :\
_________________________________________

And I hate the Callie pregnant storyline on Grey's Anatomy. Just there to remind me that "Hey! You can't get pregnant like she did!" And her whole coffee crap last night. What a load. I know it's not bad to have a cup or 2 of coffee when pregnant, but to jones for it like she did. I get that it's comic relief but I just found it extremely irritating and I wanted someone to just smack her after her whole, baby vote, vagina vote stupid ass speech.
_________________________________________

I so want to stop these damn suppositories. They are definitely preventing the m/c from starting. Put in my one this morning, and the applicator had fresh red blood on it, and now, back to just there when I use the bathroom.
This can't be a good thing can it? To hold it in like this?
_________________________________________

Exercise today will either be late, or not at all. I am SO frickin tired right now. I didn't sleep well at all. May take a nap and if I feel better, I'll exercise later this afternoon.

Turbo Sculpt kicked my butt

So just got done. Did Turbo Jam. Cardio Party and Turbo Sculpt. Both are a little over 40mins each.
I didn't finish the Turbo Sculpt. That workout is WAY too hard for my fitness level. Even their modified movements were too difficult. Too many squats and lunges.
Cardio Party was ok though. I tried not to overdo it like I have before. Whenever I have, I always end up extremely sore for a few days afterwards. So I made sure to take it easy.
I started getting some weird cramping in the uteris area by the end of it.

So yeah, I did do an hour, but near the end it was mainly me standing there looking at these people exercising like they were crazy. I think P90 will have to be my sculpt workout.
Alrighty, off to take a shower and wash the stank off.

Stats...

I was really debating if I should just wait for the 2nd beta or not, but decided I should just go for it now. As much as I would love a miracle to occur, it's not going to happen. Not this time.

Decided that I'm not going to post photos. I'm still taking the photos, but there's really not that much change week to week. I'll post comparison shots later down the road when there is an actual physical difference in the photos.


Stats

Weight- 209

Bust- 43.5
UnderBust- 38.25
Above Bellybutton- 41
Waist- 39.5
Pooch- 43.75
Hips- 45.25
R Upper Thigh- 26.25
L Upper Thigh- 26.25
R Upper Arm- 16
L Upper Arm- 16


Everything seems to have evened out unlike when I was taking measurements before. And the pound down from yesterday is always nice to see even if it is probably just water weight.

Should've known

I should've known that something was wrong. I did an opk the other day and it wasn't a positive any longer. I convinced myself that it was nothing, but that was the start of it.
I know everyone says that you can't rely on OPKs and HPTs to progress, but it worked for me. My OPKs slowly got darker until it was a +, and then I guess when the egg failed to implant, it started to lighten up.
I'm always going to wonder what happened.  I have a feeling maybe my uterine lining may be too thick.
They always say it's nice and thick, and I've never reall paid attention to it, but maybe b/c it's thick, it's not letting an egg implant properly.
How would they even treat that if it is the problem? If the RE wants to talk with us again, I'm going to bring it up. Heh... I'm sure every doctor just LOVES it when someone brings up something they googled :P lol

Thanks everyone

Thank you everyone. Just wanted to say it. I totally appreciate all of the support I get here and the forums that I go to. I don't know what I would do without it.


Talked to DH and asked him what he wanted to do.
He said he wanted to wait a couple of months to pay off some bills. Mainly the 7k credit card bill. Most of that being from the fertility stuff. Geeze.

I've started to have red discharge again. It's not that deep AF type of red yet, just a washed out red color. Also had 2 tiny clots again earlier.
I know it's the start of it and just hope it starts soon. Hopefully it won't be as bad as the last loss was w/ the gawd awful back ache.

Going to look in to some herbs to try. Think on the PCOS forum they talk about using something.. inositol? That's probably not correct, but going to look in to it anyway.

Starting tomorrow

Going to start exercising tomorrow. Not put it off until the beginning of the week or anything.
What else can I do at this point ya know?

I can't NOT try. Even if I'm not going to be ovulating on my own, I have to do something to remain pro-active with TTC even if it means just losing weight and hoping that it helps.
It will certainly help my overall health. I know I have high blood pressure. Or it's borderline. So exercising and losing weight will help with that which will help w/ any future pregnancies that may occur.
Going to keep all of those ladies that were overweight, lost weight, and got pregnant in mind. There are lots of them on the PCOS board that I go to and it's really inspiring to read about their experiences.

I'm going to really try to limit my carbs and my sugar. Carbs is going to be the most difficult. I'm not a huge bread eater, but I do eat a lot of pasta.

I am going to exercise like crazy though and really push myself. Just go for it with everything I have.
I don't work so what else do I have to do. Go at it mini-Biggest Loser style. Lots and lots of exercising. Going to start tomorrow at an hour or 2 workouts on video. Even if I'm wiped out and all I'm doing is flailing around w/ no energy, so be it... I'm still doing it for an hour.

Current weight is 210. Weighed myself earlier b/c I knew I was losing weight since getting the BFP.
So 11 pounds to reach my 199 goal. I would love to do it before the month is over, but I think that's just a little too ambitious. I'll definitetly try though.
Next short term goal, well it's a bit more than just the 11lbs is to be down at least 40lbs by the end of July. We're going on a road trip with some of DH's friends and if not pregnant, then I'd like to be down at least 40lbs.

I'll do like I have in the past. Post up a profile and front photo shot and all of my measurements tomorrow.

12

That's my beta for yesterday. Yesterday that was 16dpo.
There's just no way this is a viable pregnancy. No way unless a damn miracle happens and I'm not counting on that.

I'm absolutely crushed. And knowing that we won't even be able to try for who knows how long..... to call this a low point is an understatement.

I had some red discharge w/ a small clot right after I got the call. I've been feeling wet all day. A feeling I usually get before AF arrives. I think I'll start to bleed very soon. Maybe later today or maybe tomorrow. :(

An hour or so to go...

And the wait is killing me!!!
I know so many women would love to be in my shoes right now. To even get a BFP! I just can't help but feel so cautious and scared to death about this.
Specially after the first one. I got SO excited when I got my first BFP. I cried with DH, I celebrated, I did everything you're supposed to do and then the tests didn't get darker and my world came crashing down.

I hate feeling this way. I hate going to the pregnant boards and seeing so many of the women celebrating, while I'm just skulking about waiting for the worst to happen. I feeling like I'm the only one who is worried sick that this isn't going to stick once again.
I just put a pregnancy ticker up and I'm scared that that somehow jinxed everything.

I know if I do end up m/cing again. There isn't anything that could've been done to prevent it most likely. Still doesn't mean I won't feel like a complete failure though.

I hate this so much. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that I got a BFP, but why can't just SOMETHING happen that could ease my mind. I'm just so tired of being scared about this.
If everything is fine, then fantastic. I'll be the happiest person ever.
But if this isn't a sticky bean again, then pls let it just end soon.

19dpt

As you can tell by the photo, the line is lighter. Much lighter than yesterday's test.
I held it for 3hrs, but felt like the urine was still pretty diluted. It was light yellow and just not a good concentration.
I'm hoping with everything that I have that that is why the test is lighter, but have a feeling it's not. Specially w/ the temp drop.
I haven't had any spotting today yet. Had some of the progest goop come out yellow, but that was it.

Can't say I'm feeling optimistic right now.
I know the first beta # isn't all that important, but I hope it's good. I hope I'm like some of the ladies that didn't get progression until a week later. I'm hoping my line will be darker soon. I hope my temp goes back up. I hope we'll finally have our LO.

BBT dropped

This morning my BBT is lower. I know everyone says that temps will fluctuate during pregnancy, so I'm hoping that's the case.
I know I'm going to be running to the bathroom all day to check to see if I'm bleeding or not.
Honestly, I'm worried about it, but I'm not freaking out over it just yet.

This happened my last BFP. I had 2 days of temp drops, and the 2nd day is when the m/c started.
Hopefully it's not the same this time.
I'll start freaking if I start bleeding or my HPT comes up negative or something.

Going to just go ahead and take another FRER today. I know they've been unreliable for others recently, but they've been nothing but reliable for myself. Hopefully that continues.

Now just to get a good hold in. Going to try to watch some movies to distract myself.

Itchy

And not in a pleasant place o_o;  Not sure why it started, but it was awful yesterday. Just felt dry and irritated and itchy as hell down there.
I've never had a yeast infection before so I have no idea if it could be that, or if it could be just the progesterone irritiating me or what.
BLEH I hope it's not a yeast infection. How would I even know if it was since hell, I'm already getting goopy discharge from the progesterone.
I have 3 containers of yogurt so gonna chow those down for the next couple of days to see if that helps.

Spotting... still here. There was another tiny little clot earlier. Another stringy looking one w/ a bit redder discharge with it. It wasn't a lot though, just a thin line on the tp.
And then the usual peach stuff the rest of the night.
I'll have to bring it up with whoever calls me tomorrow.... if my brain decides to work for me that is.

Really body... really?

Right before we left for the RE, I started feeling wet down there. Being paranoid, I went to the bathroom and checked.
I wiped before actually using the bathroom, and there was light red blood w/ a tiny clot on the tp.
I used the bathroom, and wiped away more light red blood. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was enough to make me think that this wasn't going to end well.
In the toilet, there was a glob of something. It was white w/ clots in it. I was afraid it was tissue, so I did pick it out of the toilet. It was just some of the suppository goop w/ tiny clots stuck in it. Gross, but I felt better that it wasn't tissue coming out.

I was still convinced that this was it though.
Get to the RE, go get blood drawn, and get told that the RE likes to do betas every FOUR days. WHAT???
The lab tech said that they'll probably have me come back Friday or maybe even Monday b/c they don't do betas on the weekend!! UUUUUUGH.
So yeah, THAT sucks.

I'm still having some tiny clots. They look almost stringy. When I put the progesterone sup in though, there was barely anything on the applicator except for a hint of brown.
Who the hell knows what my body is doing. I don't even think it knows.

I know try not to worry and all that jazz, but it's pretty impossible. I'm feeling OK now, but it's not going to last long.

Afternoon tests

I'm freaking out to be honest.
I'll post up comparisons

First photo is of the Equate from 2 days ago (16dpt)
Next is the one from today

When I saw that the line didn't get any darker, I panicked and took an FRER. The line on it is about the same as the one from yesterday. I can't tell if it could be darker, lighter or the same.

First is yesterday's test, next is today's

That equate should've been darker today. If things were progressing as it should.... I just feel like it should've been darker. Specially after 2 days.

UGH these tests did not give me any confidence. I need my betas to come back good. With the way the tests are looking right now, I don't see how they will. I really hope I'm wrong. I hope b/c it was just a 2.5-3hr hold, that's why the tests aren't as dark as they should be. I hope my numbers come back fine and doubling..................I hope this sinking feeling will be replaced with excitement.

Scared

That sums up what I'm feeling.... well, multiply it by about 100 and that's what I'm feeling.

When I got my beta last time is about when everything started to go badly and I'm terrified that it's going to go that way again.

Although I want to, I'm actually scared to take a test later today. I never thought I would ever say that. I just don't want to get the little bit of hope I have dashed away if there isn't a progression. Oh I'll still test of course, but I'm nervous about what the results are going to be.
I just hope this equate will be as good as the last one and not like the first one I took.

I did take my last wondfo this morning along with another opk. The OPK isn't positive any longer. It's about a shade below positive.
The HPT may have a darker line on it, but it's so faint that it's hard to tell. I mean the line is actually on it, you can see it clear as day, but it's still faint. I tried getting a photo of it, but the camera wouldn't pick the line up.

It's going to be difficult trying to hold the PP in. That's all I'm going to be thinking about doing. BLEH.

Dernit!

Why do I do this to myself.
There's a sticky thread on the forums that asks women to post up their beta number and what their HPT looked like.
It's a really interesting thread, but it just made me nervous.
SO many of their lines were so dark w/ only just a little bit of HCG in their system.
It doesn't help that so many of them got their BFPs so early on and they turned dark so quickly afterwards.
UGH. :(
I wanna be one of them! I want a nice dark test.... sigh.

I love DH so much!

I left him a message earlier, just telling him when my appointment is.
I jokingly (but hoped) asked him to get me some more tests. I honestly didn't think he would b/c he REALLY hates shopping most of the time... specially if it involves going to Walmart.
Welp, he came home late b/c he did just that. He went to Walmart! He bought me 2 more equate and another pack of 3 FRER.
SQUEEEEEEE..... I love that he supports my POAS addiction lol.

So yeah, yay for that :D

Probably will take an equate tomorrow. Since the one from yesterday was so apparent, and since it will be 2 days between tests, hoping that there will be an obvious darkening of the new test.

Afternoon 17dpt FRER

This was only after a 2 hour hold. I tried going longer, but metformin IBS is kicking my butt this morning.
The test appears a little darker than yesterday's FRER from what I remember, but I think the photos really show that it is darker.
As I've always said, our camera does NOT like picking up faint lines, but it picked this one up NP even in clouded over lighting.
I'm feeling a lot better now.

I still wish this spotting would stop though. I completely forgot to mention it in the message I left and when the nurse called me back to set up the appointment.
If I see her tomorrow, I'll bring it up. I'm sure I'll probably just get the usual "some bleeding is normal in early pregnancy" line.

17dpt

Damn Answer test!!!! The line is barely there. It showed up ok in the photo but IRL, it is SO faint. I wasn't planning on using another test today but I need to now.
Guess I'll use my last FRER this afternoon.

My temp went back up so that's somewhat comforting. Going to try to calm down and not freak out until this afternoon.


Speaking of this morning. I woke up to take my temp, and to use the bathroom. BOY did I have to go (metformin bathroom trip). I got out of bed and felt nauseated.
After I was done, I laid back down and felt completely nauseous. I had to get up 3 more times b/c whatever I ate was not agreeing with me at all. After I emptied out my stomach I only had a very dull lingering nausea left.
Now I have no idea if that's actually morning sickness or just bad food. I guess if it happens again, then I'll know.

So much for just a dull headache

Have had one since waking up this morning. Thought it would go away on its own but nope.
While grocery shopping, I started getting quick hot flashes.
Right now, I can feel my headache getting a little worse and my face is completely flushed. My cheeks are rosy pink right now like I've been blushing.
Not sure what's going on, but if it means the little bean is sticking around, then bring it!

I honestly can't wait to get more pregnancy symptoms. I will gladly throw up every day. Or have to pee every 10 minutes. Or whatever else women complain about during pregnancy if it means I'll have a healthy baby in 9 months.

Going to go lay down a bit and see if that helps the headache.

Equate

Took a test at 11:30 this morning. I really tried holding in the PP for as long as I could, but I just kept thinking about it and I couldn't hold it any longer.

It was still a good hold though.

Used the equate and this is what I got. A lot more visible than the FRER.
Same test in different light.

Things done differently

Just feel the need to post this. I'm still not celebrating yet, but wanted to list what was done this cycle, and things done differently.


We had sex 5 times after the HCG shot. Twice the day of the trigger. Twice the day after, and then once the day after that (when I ovulated).
The last 2 times we had sex, I orgasmed after DH did. I made sure to prop my butt up on 2 pillows afterwards as well for at least 15-30minutes. Oh and a few of the times we were DTD, we would do it in missionary w/ my butt already propped up on the 2 pillows. (Highly recommend doing that sometimes anyway ;) )

I drank grapefruit juice starting on cd6. I think I drank it until I took the trigger shot or maybe even the day after. I can't really remember. OceanSpray brand. First container was no sugar added, sweetened w/ splenda. 2nd container was no sugar added, and nothing to sweeten it.
I think the grapefruit juice really helped with CM. I was also taking Evening Primrose Oil. Now brand called Super Primrose. 1300mg gelcaps, twice a day.

Erm, I took baby aspirin or low dose. Whatever you want to call it. Not sure when I started it though. After ovulation, but can't remember exactly when.

And w/ the poop thing again. I know, I'm sorry. I know I talk about my poop a lot but metformin has made it a big part of this process I think.
Anyways, I did my best to avoid foods I know to flair up my metformin IBS. Such as salads, and this certain ramen that I love. I kind of convinced myself that my frequent bathroom trips was causing problems w/ implanting or something like that lol.


I think that's it. I don't remember doing anything else, but I'm sure I'm probably forgetting soemthing.

Sigh.................stupid spotting..........

16dpt

There are my tests for today. I didn't go crazy w/ the remaining FRERs and answer tests or anything lol. It's just 1 FRER taken in different lighting.
I was afraid that the FRER line wasn't any darker, but an awesome woman from the forum that I frequent tweaked one of the photos from yesterday and one from today and compared. It does look like today's is a little darker. That made me feel a lot better.
With no tweaks though, I think the OPK is the only one that is obviously darker. Before it was almost a +, now it def is.

I'm still nervous though. My temp dropped slightly today. Was 98.43 yesterday, dropped to 98.26. I'm trying not to think about that too much since it didn't drop a HUGE amount but still... a drop doesn't make me feel confident lol.

Still spotting. Story of my life! Thankfully it doesn't appear to be fresh. Well other than the peach colored stuff. I just wish it would stop.

I do feel a bit more nervous today, but there is still that underlying sense of peace. I dunno if it means everything is going to be OK w/ the pregnancy or just OK in general though.

Feeling..... calm but nervous

First, I just wanted to post a photo of the FRER dried. The line obviously dried darker and just wanted to post it :P lol You can tell it has color there, but just wish I could've seen that color earlier.

Honestly, I'm actually feeling calm right now. Very weird.
I'm still nervous that this isn't real or that it's going to end like my last BFP. But I dunno... I feel calm.
I do wish the spotting would stop though. I stopped taking the baby aspirin just in case that was making it worse.
I'm still waiting to celebrate. I know others would be jumping off the walls with excitement if they were in my shoes, but I just can't right now. With what has happened w/ the early loss, and this spotting/bleeding, I just don't want to celebrate too soon when things could go wrong.
I'll start getting more excited if the tests start to get darker. If everything is still going ok, going to make an appointment for the beta for Tuesday afternoon. Now THAT is going to make me nervous. If my tests start getting darker, I'll get more confidence that everything will be ok, but until then... BLEH.

I don't think I'm really having any symptoms. Well I may have some, but it could be from the progesterone.

I think the only thing that could be a symptom are the constant dull headaches. I only had to take tylenol for it once, but even then I probably didn't need to. I just thought it was going to get worse.

Bewbs really aren't all that sore. There's a deep tissue kind of sore, but that's about it. Been wearing bras for the past 2 days so maybe that's helping.

I haven't pooped yet today :P Awesome huh heh. Seriously though. Salads or any green veg makes me have to go. Ate a salad yesterday and nothing.

And yeah, that's it so far. Is it sad that I wish I had more symptoms? hehe Where's the nausea? Where's the extremely painful boobs? How about the super sensitive smelling powers? Come on body! I will gladly suffer through any and all of those.

So yep, that's where I'm at right now. Feeling weirdly at peace, but have that nervous feeling as well.
FX for a darker test tomorrow and FX that this awful spotting/bleeding will stop.

Oh and speaking of that really quick.
I put in my 2nd sup this afternoon, the applicator I use had 2 tiny clots on the end of it. It didn't look like fresh clots though. the blood around it just didn't have that bright fresh look if that makes sense.
Still... that doesn't make me more confident to see.
Little bit of blood on pad, but I think it was only there b/c it travelled out w/ the waxy gunk.
And yep, a little bit of the peachy stuff on the TP when I use the bathroom.
UGH I want it to stop!

FRER... damn you faint lines!!!

Went to walmart. Got a 3pack of FRER, 2 pack of answer and 1 equate.
Came home and used a FRER w/ a 4hour hold w/ no drinks so it was pretty concentrated.

A faint 2nd line appeared on the FRER within a minute or so. It's SO faint though and w/ the problems people have been having with FRERs I'm so hesitant to get my hopes up.

At least I have more tests now. Not gonna take any more tonight and just hope that tomorrow something darker will show up.

15dpt

Boy, you would think I'd be thrilled to be at this point b/c it means AF didn't arrive. NOPE, I'm not thrilled. More frustrated and worried.

So yeah, those are my tests for this morning. The wondfo is still showing a faint line. It comes up within about 2-3minutes and I really think there is color. But it's SO faint it's difficult to tell and to really rely on it.
Only took one answer test, but 2 photos.
Once again, the answer test had a grey 2nd line out of the wrapper which means it's probably a big indent.
The first photo of it was taken at the minute mark. It was showing the indent well.
The 2nd photo is at the 3min mark.

I'm still spotting/bleeding. It's still the peach colored stuff, but there is a lot of it. It hasn't reached my pad yet though. My temp did go up this morning. Yesterday it was 98.27, today is 98.43. So a pretty big jump, but, with the tests not really showing much of anything, and the spotting continuing and not lightening up.
I dunno what the heck to think.