Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Poor naive DH

This news has seriously made me depressed. I've been crying about this since he told me.
I forgot to mention one part of the story.
He said she might be pregnant. I asked why it's only a might and he said it was b/c she hadn't been to a gyno yet. Which probably means she got a positive HPT.
It's not even about her getting pregnant easily, b/c she didn't. She and her husband have been married for a year or 2 longer than DH and I, and have been trying since they got married (he was stationed in the Middle East for a while though, but still, they've been trying longer than us). She's also plagued with irregular cycles. So she's also struggled with infertility..... BUT the difference is that she hasn't had to go through all of the shit we have. Even though she is irregular, she still does get AF and does ovulate on her own.
I'm not angry or sad that she's pregnant, even if I don't like her at times.... I'm angry and sad that I'm not.

I know people say now should be a good time to take a break from it all b/c of how I feel, but no... it's not.
Being on this break... specially since it's b/c I m/c again makes this all even harder. If I knew that we were going to be able to try again next month, or hell, even the month after that... it would give me something to grasp on to. Something to hope for, but I don't even know WHEN we're going to be able to try again.
DH is no help either.
I know he's been delaying writing the letter to the insurance company because he doesn't think they're going to cover us again. And he's probably right.
But that doesn't bother him. Why? Because he's under the impression that we still have a chance to get pregnant naturally. NM that I don't ovulate on my own or anything. NM that even when I was thinner (like in the 140-150's), I still had VERY irregular cycles. I remember when we first started going out (when I was that weight), and eventually started having sex. I'd go MONTHS without anything resembling AF. I would often buy HPTs b/c of the absense of AF.
He thinks me being thinner will suddenly make me ovulate. It could, I'm not going to deny that, but it also may not. I may still be right where I am now, just skinnier and still not pregnant and angry that we hadn't been trying with medication in the hopes that my body would start working.
I'm not angry with DH though.... I just feel alone.
Just feeling completely beat down and utterly hopeless.
I won't be able to go out to eat on Friday with his family for a while. I know if she is pregnant, that's all they're going to talk about and I'm going to burst in to tears in front of them and in public and that's just not going to happen.
I've put on a strong face before.... I don't have the energy to do that any longer. Well, not right now at least.


My Fertility Roller Coaster... said...

Oh sweets.. ur not a lone.. we are all in the same boat.. just bobbing up and down waiting to see when it is our turn... I know how ur feeling and u have ever right to feel the way that you do...
Sending much love ur way...

Emily said...

I know how difficult this must be for you. We are just coming off of an extended break after a miscarriage, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

Just try to keep on keeping on, and know that you aren't alone! We are all here for you.

Hugs to you today.

Kerrik said...

Lisa, it is perfectly natural to feel the way you do about your SIL being pregnant. Truly, you have every right to feel the way you do.

I cried like a banshee when my friend told me she was pregnant, and that was before we had even tried any type of assisted reproductive therapies. I think pain and the trauma builds up over time, but I do think we will all find some kind of resolution (as they say over at Resolve), and I'm not just saying that.