Blue

Just feeling blue today. DH's sister is always on my mind and I hate it. I hate thinking about her and what she's going through. I hate that I'm not.
I should also be having morning sickness. I should also be having fatigue, I should also be hearing the heartbeat soon.
I don't want to see her, but it feels like I should soon. Not b/c I want to, but b/c I need to see her as she progresses instead of just one day popping in and seeing a big baby bump.
I feel like puking thinking about finally seeing her though and it feels like my heart sinks. I don't know if I'm ready or ever will be. I just hate what she represents... she represents everything that I want and reflects back to me all of our failures and losses.
I am seriously considering going out this Friday for dinner, but I don't want to embarass myself by crying in public when she shows up... or worse yet, that puking feeling actually turning in to puking.

And I swear I'm going to strangle DH (not really but I sure as hell feel like it). I told him, Tuesday... you're writing that damn letter!!
Tuesday rolls around and NOTHING. His excuse... "Oh I want to call the insurance company first." Really?? And you couldn't do this fucking earlier so you could write the gawd damn letter already??? UUUUUUUUUUUUGH...... He's not doing it to be an ass (I hope), but still, his procrastination pisses me off so much sometimes.